mental flu

 that's what i'm calling it...

i'm on a slow train to despair

i think i'm having a depressive episode

particulary precipitated by contacting an old love interest

he responded

but not with undying love

it turns out that's what i wanted

i decided to give it 2 weeks...like the book says...then 2 years...

who am i kidding...i've given it 2 weeks before...

oh well...

i decided to just call it mental flu to reframe it...yes when i have the flu...i feel like dying too..

i'm dying internally of embarassment??

i don't know why i feel like dying...but i do..

perfectionism? this isn't the outcome i hoped to achieve

loss of control?

i'm at a loss

doesn't help that i'm in this gray space with neighbor...sometimes i feel okay in solitude...and just decide for myself that we're just friends....and other times i get confused...

i don't know what i want...truly

but i do...i want to be free from obligation and needing other people to feel secure..

i have reached my financial goals...

now is the internal work part i guess...life is endless...

i'm giving myself 10 days to recover from this mental flu and then reassess...

cancelled my hotel booking to see tiffany haddish...

oh and um... i saw mariah carey!!! i let this boy-fiasco totally overshadow that!