saturday reflections

 i finished reading one of the journals on ERE forum and it could not have come at a better time!

it was incredibly helpful to have a peek into someone's experience after FIRE.

i learned he struggled with the same things i am internally concerned about...

namely, trying to figure out a structure / patter to life...and stick with it...

but over his first 3 years... no matter how he tried...things ebbed and flowed/ they were seasonally...

i attribute some of my panic on monday to that... i wanted to have a concrete plan.. a structure to how my retirement would go or else... risk failure i guess... but when i think of what failure looks like... i don't have a good idea... maybe falling back into the pit of despair because of the nothingness... i'm not sure... therapy helps in this regard to try to spit out what exactly your brain is accusing you of...

but yeah... it was helpful to read about his daily struggles with everyday things...like budgeting - forcing himself to spend discretionary income...then realizing that didn't work... cycle of intense exercise; trying new hobbies; cadence with family time; figuring out healthcare; taking care of health items; casually browsing jobs...just all the thinking that goes with building out a life when there's not one pressing 8 hours dictating the rest of the time..; i like how seasonal things were...it was like just when you think he's figured it out... interest just wanes or you realize it's not worth the effort or you recognize your own personal limitations...

i took a lot out of it...it was nice not to get the finished polished product... this is the information i was looking for..

it helped me realize my life will be cyclical and seasonal; maybe i'll pick up a part time job... maybe i won't... maybe i'll spend a bunch of time and money on a hobby only to neglect it after awhile...maybe i'll have friendships that come and go...it was just nice to see... oh so nice... and being medicated... i have space to practice some of my therapy... the thing my therapist is always harping...is... you get to choose...

so yeah so maybe monday i felt like doing absolutely nothing at all... i didn't "fail retirement" because of that... who even knows what that means... but boy was i scared of some sort of unnamed bad outcome... 

i'm so happy for the strangers that post their life journeys on the internet...the lurkers like me benefit soooo sooo much! 

so yeah taking stock of my life... i'm mostly happy i stuck it out and didn't un-alive myself. i don't know if the journey was necessarily worth it...but i'm glad i get to experience some of the good stuff now... some of the soft life ...it's nice friends.

it was just really refreshing to see someone not have it all figured out....and walk away into the bliss of more "family time" or lifetime travel...

neither of those are me...i'm just trying to figure out what i enjoy...

i do know i enjoy copious amounts of free time

i love a snow day

i love staying in and doing cozy things...

i love having ENOUGH money... yes, this moment in life brough to you by the absence of abject poverty and the the absence of the fear of abject poverty..

one of the things i know i'll have to figure out...is where vacations fit in when i'm not trying to run away or escape life or work...

i like being pampered and taken care of... so there's that aspect for sure.. 

so yeah...i feel a bit renewed in my journey to early retirement...

i'm looking forward to figuring out the health care marketplace...

i'm embracing not having it all figured it out...

if this random stranger on the internet can struggle and still keep going...i can to... i think what's important to realize is the strong foundation i have to catch myself..

i know i have the guardrails and tools and resources and life-history to catch myself ... it's unlikely i will fall into despair or poverty or obesity or lose all my teeth or live in a hovel... no matter what my brain tells me... 

so yeah i feel the tides turning on my outlook and it's only been a week..

last night i went to a campfire alone just because i wanted smores...