Mon, Nov 14, 2022, A new lease on life

 Hey friends, 

I woke up this morning with a lot of thoughts. I re-read some old posts from this time of year as far back as 2018. Some thematic elements - feeling stuck; how much I don't like spring/summer in NC; how much I like fall weather in NC (from Oct onwards); same lamentations about love; limitations of finances...

I think for me it just showed me that all this wee-wee-woo-woo stuff is bunk. You want something to happen, you have to make it happen. There are no signs, destinies, meant to be. It is a distressing thought. Comforting when it goes your way, but distressing when it doesn't. 

I decided to lease life annually for the time being. Planning my death date was confusing. Even renewing my lease on life is distressing, much like it was when I was renting. Is this it? What if x,y,z bad or good happens? There was something so final about committing one more year to a life I didn't want and a rental I was apathetic about. But renewing my apartment lease felt like committing one more year to my current life. I felt stuck. But after awhile the distress of having to make a decision was resolved because by renewing my apartment lease, I couldn't make any other big decisions..until renewal time came again.

Since this time of year is one when I am most likely to be happy and hopeful, I decided that will be my renewal period. 

Part of what I'm trying to accomplish with My Perfect Year or End of Life Plans or Final Countdowns is just some semblance of control; some sense of direction; some manufactured support where externally the humans have failed me. I just want to know what will happen next, so I can plan for it, so I can expect it, so I won't fall into depths of despair.

Out of therapy, I decided I want to put a gated fence, a cover, an alarm on the depth of despair. I want to go nowhere near it. That isn't to say I love life and definitely want to live for the long term. I just don't want to drown. 

So here we are, friends, I'm renewing my lease on life for the entire calendar year of 2023. It may be my last or it may not be. But I give myself the freedom to not think about 2024. I'm not quite planning to live 2023 like it's my last, but I'm also not planning to look too far into the future. The only real future plan is just the background financial goal of saving at least $36k/year for the next 5 years so that I can reach millionaire status. That is in essence just a capricious goal. I just made it up. There's not much a FIRE budget of $40k/yr will do for me but it would be nice to have. And a million dollars used to seem like such a huge number. 

2023 Lease on Life

I'm thinking the 5 months in NC, broken into Part 1: frontloading my 401k and Part 2: playing softball and planning for my summer bird life...

Then going to Seattle from Memorial Day to Halloween.

Then coming back to enjoy the last 2 months of the year in NC's glorious Fall Weather.

For the Seattle summer, I'm still going back and forth on doing a split. It just feels overwhelming to commit to 5 months away from home. I know I'll be alone most of it so I don't know. For now, I think I want to do the Memorial Day to July 15 split; come back; get my hair done; take a break; recharge; and then go back the last 10 days of August until end of October. If I am in a relationship, the forward-up plan is to just stay in NC 2 weeks. That's where I got stuck last summer. I met someone and couldn't decide if I should go back. 

I want the built in break to think. 

But there is a part of me that likes the idea of nesting for 5 months and being able to spread out and exhale. And it's easier to just do a 1 shot deal instead of taking 2 separate trips. For now, I'm going to go with the split. 

I think there is a part of me that feels more comfortable essentially recreating what I did last year which was split up the time. 

So my main goals for next year is just to make it to the end of year. So my decision making will be like from The Book, just focus on self-centered love. It's becoming easier and easier to do this. Not having to care about other people's feelings is not as hard as I thought. 

Why I still can't commit to moving to Seattle full time? Because I'll still be black and othered. It doesn't make sense to waste money to feel bad. 

So for now, I will budget to stay in Seattle up to 5 months. I'll save my 2023 Bonus Money as a forward up plan in case someone falls in love with me. I'll stay. It's an easy yes. I don't need them to ask. If Sean messages me in March, I'm taking the Bonus Money and heading to Seattle 2 months early. I'm only planning for good things. 

So that's it friends.

What other thoughts did I have...

I'm happy I'm here for this weather. I loved reading yesterday and pretending my home office was a screened in porch. I love the sun and a cool breeze. I liked having the window open and listening to the sounds of my neighbors.

I baked some muffins this morning despite all the gross things I had to see in terms of intruders. Yuck.

I'm excited I decided to live my life this way... 1 year at a time.

I want to plan each year out just like I'm doing this year.

I'm glad I know my limitations and am not foolishly moving to Seattle to chase unachievable dreams. Despair is too close a companion. Love isn't worth the risk anymore. 

I don't know how much longer I'll live, but I know I'll live through next year. 

I don't think I'm going to make any mistakes with men. If I find myself in a fling next year, I know unequivocally not ask for or expect anything. Know that it's time-sensitive and enjoy it while you're there.

I didn't get the fairy tale. I just didn't. I got a horror story. At least it feels like that on some days.

But I get to write a new story every year. And I have so many inflection points throughout the year, that I can start over as many times as I need to. 

Re-reading some of my old blog posts it still amazes me how intense those feelings feel and when I re-read, I realize I had forgotten a lot of it.

So it's best for me and my emotional limitations to just live 1 year at a time, which is broken down into smaller pieces....inflection points, quarters, months, days, afternoons, hours...

Day dreaming...

I'm enjoying my last few more days of freedom before I have to put my head down and work on my project. I want to eat my muffins and finish reading my book.

I wonder if I'll stay downtown next year. I don't know if it's because that's what I did for the first half, but it feels like that's what I want to do again. Not sure if I want to get the meal kits, but probably. If I'm staying for 6 weeks, I can fit 2 or 3 kits in there. 

I feel better and better with the decision not to move to Seattle full time. I'm just tired of starting over and not getting the life I want. This protects me and keeps me safe. There is no guarantee that because you take big risks, you will be rewarded. I'm just naturally a risk-averse person. 

Next year is my last year as 30-something. Wow! Do I celebrate that and my 40s?!

Oh the other thing I was thinking today is....I'm glad I'm chasing good weather... because weather doesn't give preferential treatment to skinny-whites. Or men or any kind of people. It affects all of us equally.