Fri, Nov 4, 2022, Radical acceptance?

 Dear Diary,

Yesterday was not a good night. I think I went to bed too early because around 4a I was alone with my thoughts again. 

Counselor Katie has been talking about radical acceptance.

(Before I get into that, some accomplishments, I've closed all but one credit card and checking account. This is huge because I had to make several phone calls which I hate doing. But luckily, I had a boring meeting so it made it feel like a better use of my time. I even called Citi for a second time because I just wanted to eliminate the possibility of taking another trip this year or anytime soon.)

Do I radically accept that I'm not getting the fairy tale? Or accept that I won't be the standard of beauty? No one desirable is going to flock to me and trip over themselves to ask me out. Do I accept Death House or violently oppose? 

I'm just not sure. I am happy I used the book verbiage to elicit a response from Sean, but I was rereading what masculine men want and the first 2 things are joyous receptivity (which I'm good at) and AVAILABILITY (for play and sex)- which categorically my not being in Seattle has gotten in my way.

There is a part of me that doesn't want to throw in the towel on Seattle until I've done the things the book says - like being there.

But there's a part of me that looks at the last 38 years where I went to college 3x over and was there - fun and happy and cute and YOUNG! There was the time in my 20s when I got the lashes and makeup and tight clothes. I guess it kind of worked...but not for anyone particularly desirable. I was just as passed over.

I'd just hate to invest so much time, energy, and resources to come up empty and not have a plan of how to feel afterward. And by plan, I mean something high stakes like end of life. I feel in this moment I can only throw everything at next year if the only possible outcome is Love or Death. 

Otherwise I can only wade and go for the summer for me. I'm not willing to bet my life on romance right now. 

How much is my life worth anyway?

The book says to be self-centered and love myself first. But it also says to look good, etc..

I'm just thinking about my beauty plan for next year. Do I want to get extensions or braids? Lashes or just strip lashes or just mascara? New make-up? New clothes? 

I also toyed with the idea of my bonus amount determining how long I can stay in Seattle. Either use only that OR use that plus whatever is left after I auto-save $36k for 2023. 

At the end of the day, money isn't the biggest issue -it's the weather, it's waking up, a job I don't really know how to do..

Should I set a goal of just eating what's in the freezer for the rest of the year?