I can't breathe

 I just feel this panic. Like my heart is too heavy to carry my breath. It's 2p and I thought I was fine this morning. Maybe it's the anxious feelings of my upcoming work project.

I thought about going back to Seattle this Thursday. I don't know why. Maybe to escape this feeling that was coming. 

I don't have any credit cards so I don't know how I could easily pay for it. It's cold there.

I decided I'll always stay if someone falls in love with me...or even if I'm in a relationship, or simply if anyone asked me to.

That's how I talked myself out of not going.

I don't know what's real anymore. Without the illusion of signs and destiny, the decision to go is mine alone. So I made up a metric.

I don't know if I'm trying to go because there is something waiting for me - there's no way my body knows that. I don't understand what's happening or why. 

I just feel...confused? 

I'm regretting what I said to Sean. I wish I had better explained... hey, I'll be out of town for a few weeks. Rather than..whatever it is I said. Then I could have pivoted back.

But I still wanted to hurt him or get him to confess feelings for me? I don't know what's going on. 

When do I get to feel better?