Sat, Nov 12, 2022, It still stucks

 I'm in actual agony. Eventhough I've hidden my phone away and locked myself out of the Google Voice account. My mind is still plaguing me with replays of the last few messages with Sean.

I hate my counselor for giving me advice. I'm trying to recount if I didn't give enough context. I wish I wouldn't be so intimidated to say No to men. Stop being a people pleaser, MERJ! Did I emphasize enough that this man had already told me for the third time now that he doesn't want to be with me, doesn't want long-distance anything. We forgot to solve for how I will feel. They kept wanting me to think about him. That's not my job. 

I wish I had not responded at all, that way Sean was the one feeling anxious. I wish I had at least more closely followed the verbiage from the book. 

Oh so many regrets. 

Part of me is still hoping the counselor is right, but therapists are never right. They exist in this utopia where we all communicate and express ourselves. That's just not reality.

I wish I would've waited, slept on it. But the thrill of not being anxious about something always overcomes me. But I just replace one anxious feeling with another. 

But there was a part of me that had hoped for professional advice when I was dating someone. Behold, it didn't change the outcome! 

The book is my guide! I can't let anyone else's opinion overrule it. It gets me and what I'm trying to accomplish to a T! 

I think ultimately, I'm not available to Sean so this already had a low likelihood of success.

But if I had let him be the one last to text, then I had options in the coming months. I could send a check-in text, something.

But I can't double text. 

I wish I hadn't responded...at least not yet. Not till I was very sure what I wanted to say. Maybe wait a week and see if I wanted to say anything at all.

I'm not sure if I regret the follow-up text even. Did I turn into the masculine then?

The counselors wanted me to acknowledge his feelings. That's not exactly what the book says. I can validate this thoughts but not necessarily cherish his feelings - that's his job.

I can't help but re-read this book. Just excerpts when I get bored.

Part of me is excited to try some of these tricks next summer. So it looks like I will be on the apps next summer. 

I'm so curious to see how these plans blow up in my face. All my plans always blow up.

More and more, I'm trying to solve the problem of living in Seattle. 

I'm ready for another fresh start.

It boils down to finances.

I just can't live paycheck to paycheck. And living frugally in Seattle just doesn't sound like something I want to do.

The best I think I can do is maybe get a lease that starts in June that way I'll know by the following March (about 3 months before renewal) whether I'll have enough money to cover expenses with my bonus. That doesn't make me feel good.

Who will do my hair? Who will be my friend?

I know I don't want to live with roommates as I originally thought. And I don't want a scraggly weird apartment. I like the furnished apartments of the short term rental companies. 

I want to live this fantasy. I think we can all agree living till 80 or even 60 is not in the cards for me. So, I think I have to just try to live out some version of fantasy for however long I have left.

I think the more I do stay in the workforce, the more inclined I feel to "live it up."