Fri, Nov 11, 2022, It stings every second

 Dear Diary,

I think from now on I have to treat each controversial message as though it might be my last. I don't feel that great about my last message to Sean.

I wish I had slept on it. He hasn't responded and I fear I was right. It might have felt better to just let his response go unanswered or at least let him think he was rejecting me.

This feels worse because it feels like I was asking for something, so I'm still waiting for a response. I forgot to consider my own feelings. 

All I want to do is delete my number. I don't want to sit through this. I don't think I can. I was going to try to wait until 4p today, but I think I'm just going to go until 11a EST. That's 48 hours.

I hope he responds by then. I tried to pray for 4p EST, but my heart can't take it. 

I made a mistake thinking I could handle this.

This makes me wonder what my perfect year will look like. I'll exist in Seattle for the fairy tale, but I can't chase.

I'll find a way to subtely let Dan know I'm back. Sean already knows I'll be back so there's nothing more I need to do there.

I think that's as much as I'm willing to do. The apps hurt too much. No variables. In fact, I'll make a point to let Dan know before my next birthday, so that it'll be a clean year. 

The day started off rainy. Then the sun came out. Now it's back to overcast. Much like my mood.