Sun, Nov 13, 2022, Turns out love isn't worth the risk

 After taking my therapist's advice to contact Sean, I've spiraled. I took his advice to contact Dan and eventhough the Dan thing wasn't a total bust, it wasn't really forever love either. 

I've been crying on and off all weekend.

I really need to do something with my anxious thoughts and feelings. I rearranged my office and that felt good. Just that burst of energy and very instant feeling of gratification - helped. I didn't even have to go to church today. I got out of bed because I felt the impulse to re-arrange my office.

I think a lot of the anxiety is the upcoming work projects too. 

The office looks a lot better. Instead of having everything in the middle of the room so I could be closer to the window, I put the desk against the side wall so now my view (surprisingly) isn't of the construction but of the nearby open field. Yay! I was hopeful but I did it without even testing it first. I just got tired of the feeling of clutter.

I moved the futon back against the wall. Now I have a nice area of open space to one day do stretching. One day. 

Health and fitness is like walking on an endless treadmill for someone who prefers to run trails. I can't do it without an immediate short term goal.

I don't enjoy sweating. I remember thinking this even as a 6th grader running track. I was like, my lungs could burn or they could not. I chose the latter.

I'm trying to keep my phone off until the end of the month (November) since that's when I'll have access to my Seattle Google voice account.

If I can do it, I hope to keep it off the rest of the year. It's been awhile since I've had a tech detox.

It's been such a nice weekend for puttering around the house.

I finally went into the scary bin downstairs to look at some clothes I was hoping I'd take to Seattle next year. I mostly just didn't want to be afraid anymore. I picked out some stuff, brought it upstairs. Had nowhere I wanted to store it. Tied it up in 2 plastic garbage bags with the intention of getting a rubber tote when I go to Walmart to make a money order. 

Not long after, I went through the bag of clothes to make sense of what I could really wear in Seattle given it's fickle weather of many layers. I had a couple cute outfits I remembered before but the tops are so thin and I'd have to wear pants. My leather boots are really cute and they make me feel sexy and confident, but I just don't like wearing pants - especially ill -fitted pants (ie, all pants on my body). 

And I couldn't think of one weather situation where those thin tops would make sense. I did like the idea of wearing what I'd previously worn as a thin cardigan as just a top. It was VERY low-cut and.... I kind of liked it. 

I did sort through and pick out some possibilities but I had trouble imagining what scenario I'd wear them to. In the end, put them right back in the bin. (Kind of accomplished nothing, but the bin is less scary, and I feel okay if I were to just buy all new clothes for Seattle.)

I thought the biggest risk of planning so far ahead was that I was too afraid of something bad happening, but I remember that I'm sometimes the bad thing that happens. I get overwhelmed with the possibility and just want to "end it." That's my go-to as you know.

I've toggled from moving to Seattle full time, to giving it 2 years, to 9 months, to 6 months, to now just a select 5 months in the summer to be able to actually enjoy the weather (and be on the lake). Then Reality Brain is like.. really... you're going to go outside when it's 80 degrees outside. 

I don't remember what I felt like when I was there briefly in July. I know some days were cool and I wore a sweatshirt, and other days I wore a sun dress and was hot. So that's confusing. 

I got annoyed with making outfits...with pants. I think if I can find 10 new cool-weather dresses, I'll probably go that route.

Well the other things on my mind today were... well if the weather is terrible.. maybe I just go for like 6 weeks at the beginning of summer and come back to NC from July 15 to end of August and wait out the heat here. I figure why be hot and spend money. I'll definitely be HOT in NC but I won't be spending money. 

Then I remembered I wanted to recreate by a lake house, so then I said... what about 10 days in August, so I would spend maybe mid July to mid August in NC just as a break ... get my hair redone, have a reprieve, have something to look forward to.... and then go back..with different clothes...

I tried to even imagine a dream life with dating...and I just couldn't... that's when I started to be more affirmed with my proclamation that love isn't worth the risk.

Next year was supposed to me My Last Year/ My Perfect Year. My Perfect Year slowly came to the foreground which made me lose sight of looking for love.

That's what started this whole Seattle thing isn't it?

In a way I did accomplish something by way of having some "friend leads" for next summer, my Perfect Year... I just am losing focus on what I want to accomplish. 

I think at the heart, I just want to prove to myself that I've let go of destiny and signs and jinxing and that I can plan out a perfect year and have it go my way. Just doing what I want.

I can't make my mind up about chasing love or not. It's just not an achievable goal, so it's hard to bake it into my perfect year. I think the best I could come up with today is that if I do get asked out / if a relationship progresses, I have the book as a guidebook which is comforting, so that's a forward plan (as opposed to a back-up plan). 

I only want to plan for the positives. 

Even with the separated summer, this time I'll say I'm going back to NC for two weeks (if someone falls in love with me). That way I can have time to think and prepare. 

I decided in my forward-up plan, if Sean messages me in March, I'm heading out there 2 weeks later. Only planning for the best! 

So as always I find my self stuck in a loop of decision-making. I still want to go next Summer. I think the default is just going for the 5 months, but I would rather have a plan of what I hope to do / accomplish. 

As for the rest of the year, I think I'll likely stay in town for Thanksgiving because of work deadlines. Then even though it'll suck, I think I'll head to my aunt's house in MD from Dec 19 onwards. I will be miserable, but I won't be alone. Being alone sucks.