Sat, Nov 26, 2022...spending more money (and potential love stories)

 I just booked housecleaning for about $200. If it goes well, I might do it quarterly. That's who I am now. Once the tap started flowing, it can't stop. I unfroze my one remaining credit card to charge it to because I'm not sure what my money is doing at this time of year. 

I was like this last year I think. With all the Christmas shopping, it just feels like the time of year to buy stuff. And I know what my regular expenses (for the remaining month) will be so it's easy to loosen the purse strings.

My Old Navy haul came in and it was fun to try on all the stuff. I was both excited and dismayed. I got a little mad because by the time the items came I'd already decided I wasn't going. But then this morning, I woke up excited again and had fairytale daydreams of being back in Seattle for a winter holiday. 

I got this really cute puffer coat that I want to wear...somewhere! Like one of my reality stars, I was going for the outfit!

I remember again when I had that detour from college and was living off the kindness of relatives, I used to store up all these clothes I'd wear once I got to college and my "real life" started. 

While I do want to get excited and expect only good things to happen next year, I need some guardrails in place. I forgot how long in advance is best for me to plan for from an emotional management standpoint. But 5 months is probably too much. Yet, I did have a loose idea of being okay to gather nuts in preparation for likely events. For example, a picnic blanket for the picnics in the park I dreamed of having. 

I vacillate between going to Seattle for 9 to 12 months or just 4 to 5 months. 

Less so, but sometimes I wonder if I should just stay my happy butt home and not go at all.

I vacillate on what my theme should be - one last shot at love; YOLO for my last year in my 30s; or just a spring/summer and fall vacation. 

I love my daydreams of being loved, but when I try to flesh it out to see what parts of it are achievable, so that I can prep for it I find myself stuck. 

Is there a future with Sean or was it just a casual fling? Did he mean it when he blurted out that he loved me? Or does the silence and end of our relationship give me the answer I need?

Will I be able to rekindle things with Dan or was that just a summer fling? 

Who do I fasten the day dream to? Or do I let both stories play out?

Do I start anew and add up all the fantasies together into one magical year? Do I keep the puffer coat!

What's different about this versus starting over in undergrad? Starting over in grad school? Living in DC? Living in LA? Moving to NC with the full dress and makeup and starting over then? All the summer programs where many people fall in love and make fast friends?

What will be different this time if I decide to go all in?

But even if nothing is different, what have I really lost?

I want to plan out next year so I can remember to be happy when I get what I want.

Well, kids, can we celebrate that I lasted 1 holiday break without feeling down? Not devastatingly down anyway. I actually want one more day to myself to just day dream. 

It probably helped that I got some phone calls from a committee member just about everyday. 

There are 4 scenarios I want to plan out. I'm only planning for happily ever after.

Scenario 1: The Sean story, I go in March. I go to 3 meetups where I think he might be... we get reacquainted. I follow Dr. Pat's book and we are engaged within 9 months. I stay in Seattle. I book for 3 months at a time...following the stages I guess. 

Scenario 2: The Dan story. We contact each other 3 times before Spring/Summer. By the third time, he continues the conversation. He inquires when I'll be back in Seattle, and I confirm...soon. We stay in regular contact and our conversations move from platonic to friendly to romantic. I get to Seattle in late May and we start to date. After 6 weeks, he asks me to be his girlfriend. We get to know each other and the compatibility we initially had deepens. It's hard to imagine that we were ever apart. That we are so different on paper. I don't know that we reach burning love but it is a slow and deep and comforting love. It is a love that feels certain. It is a familial love because when we are together we are family. It is the love that you hear of that the person is still happy and supports the other person even if they were to choose someone else. But somehow we choose each other every day. It's the love of two people that feels full. It is both enough and plenty. It's comforting and safe and filling. It's the love of two people who know they will grow old together and the idea delights them. It's a forever love. 

Scenario 3: Forget those guys. I never hear from them again. And I never reach out. I go to Seattle in the spring/summer and start from scratch with dating. I go on a few dates a month. This is the story I can't flesh out. Maybe I meet someone? Is it a fling? You'd think it be easy to make an amalgam of all the love stories that have gone through my head both real and imagined. But I usually need a starter in the shape of a real human or a real interaction. Otherwise it's pure fantasy. Ok, so I go on some dates. I meet someone, follow the rules in Dr. Pat's book, and we are engaged by the end of the year. I live 1 more year in Seattle officially and we marry and move in together. In this scenario, I do just go ahead and do the split summer. Just to have a break and make sure we can continue while apart.

Scenario 4: I do the split summer. I don't really date. I go and have fun in Seattle in spring/summer. But due to lack of any real connection in romance or friendship, when I come back in the fall, I keep it to Sep and October and just have a cozy last season in Seattle. I never go back.