Wed, Nov 9, 2022, Two days of lost sleep

 Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a cool night which normally contributes to good sleep, but it didn't. It took me by surprise. I was also ruminating on responding to Sean.

I couldn't even remember when the text came. I checked a few minutes ago and it's only been since Monday. Geez!

I think when I can look at it objectively, he has said 2 or 3 times now that he doesn't want to pursue anything long-distance.

I do regret a bit following up with him when he didn't respond to me. Per the book, I should be responsive and not chasing. But I convinced myself to follow-up using text from the book as though we were in a relationship.

Groan, so I regret that.

I don't know what I want or the lowest I'll accept.

I guess the very lowest is potential to reconnect next summer. But next lowest is continuing talking (which he is saying he doesn't want).

I think my second goal after I left was that we would continue our flirtation, but I think he had feelings attached to that that I didn't know.

So if the lowest I'll accept is just potential to reconnect, then that's what I have to shoot for.  So I might just go with the thanks and verbiage about reconnecting.

The rest is higher emotional risk and I'll have to manage a response. Plus it takes us back to neutral, and kind of puts the ball in his court between now and next summer. In the end, I guess I'm glad he knows when I'll be back so he can reach out if he wants. 

The rest would likely elicit a response or hope for an elicited response. Which is us just going in circles. 

Plus the neutral response gives him notice that I'm "available" even if not geographically close.

And I've already apologized. And already acknowledged his hurt feelings. 

I'm looking forward to see what Counselor Mark says.

Have I said enough how glad I am to have this male presence in my life. Is this what it's like to have a present father? Wow!

Not sure how much counseling I'm going to sign up for next year, but I think I was initially shooting for monthly. But he'll be good to have while I navigate Seattle next summer. Maybe I can just re-up with both Katie and Mark for those five months...maybe every other week with each so that I meet with someone weekly. 

And if I haven't said it, I'm glad I'm in NC and enjoying the sunshine. No one else from Seattle has reached out to me, so it's easy to let them fade into the background.

I think next year I will just make it a clean end and leave at end of October. So for now, I'm sitting at the 5 months (Jun to Oct). Still Greenlake. And still just for self-love and having fun. I do want to be loved and taken care of, but I can't make an unachievable objective.

If I could say what I wanted to Sean it would be:

I want to be loved and taken care of. If you think that's something you potentially want to do, then I don't want to disappear from your life. If you don't think that's something you want to do, then you are right, we should cut things off.