Wed, Nov 2, 2022, It still hurts

 Dear Diary,

Lamentations of 2022 continue. Sean has stopped responding and that hurts ALOT. I tried to remind myself that first goal was just to have his attention until I left. Goal accomplished.

Of course now that things didn't go my way for Level 2 Goal (his attention for remainder of the year), I'm lamenting. There are 2 things I could have done differently - not mentioned we agreed to be friends, but it's so tempting to want to hurt these people when they hurt me. And maybe delayed telling him I was out of town and played down how long I'd be gone.

Oh well.

At least I know with the book not to chase him. Just let it go, I guess. Grrrr. So it's been 24 hours since we last communicated and it sucks! Since we started talking everyday, this is the longest I've gone without speaking to him. 

Luckily, I have 2 therapy sessions today. I think I will ask Katie to meet on Monday because I know this weekend will be hard.

I've been thinking more about committing to 2 full years in Seattle. But that would be just to date. Which means I would likely have to do 2 more years for the actual relationship. Which sucks!

The book suggests not moving in together without an engagement. I don't know about engagement but I would want at least some sort of commitment - Love? A promise ring?

I've been mulling over factoring my bonus into my budget and counting on it. That's really the only way I'd feel financially comfortable moving to Seattle full time without a relationship. Yeah, that doesn't sit well. It's way too much of an emotional risk to also risk my finances. 

I know I'm okay financially if I stay in NC with my lean FIRE budget, but it's just too much to think about right now.

I feel nervous somehow.

Accomplishments

- Made it back to NC

- Still alive

- Didn't 'go all the way' with Sean to try to woo him with my honeypot

Some money news. I looked at my budget app to get a preliminary look at how much I spent in Seattle this year. The total is about $20k. Twenty thousand dollars!!! Whoa. For about 4 months give or take a few days. I haven't looked yet at how much I spent on food and amusement, etc in detail but at least I have some idea of how much these excursions cost. 

Based just on this preliminary number, I feel like I could make $20k work for a 5 month stay that's better planned. And it didn't hurt as badly to see that number. Sure, that's $20k I could have put in an index fund, but more money just isn't my most salient goal right now. At least not just for the sake of more money.

I want love. No matter what, I always say Love is worth it. I've tried and failed at a couple of endeavors that I thought were my dream. It was easier to let them go than this. I want love. I have so much love to share. There has got to be people out there that just need a good support system. Someone to love them. I have to figure out the profile. But I think it's someone without a good home life. I want to be their home. But the thing is...I am also kind of wanting to find a home with someone else. I want to be with someone who has a large family that they're close to. So this is a bit of a conundrum.

I think out of Dan or Sean, Sean was my better shot to be married in a year. So if he recontacts me, I really have to be on my best behavior.