Tues, Nov 15, 2022, How much is my life worth?

Dear Diary,

My, how November has flown by, and it makes me happy! The great mix of sunny and cool weather is something to rejoice.

I really don't know why I've been crying for the last week or so? I'm a little anxious about my next work projects because I'll be flying solo. 

I got a weird call from a recruiter for an Amazon job. We'll see if it's a scam or not.  

I finished the book, You Should Talk to Someone, it gave me some insight into what therapy is like for a therapist and other patients.

It helped me to ask for a session tomorrow with Katie.

I just don't want to be crying for the rest of the year.

Part of it is Sean, part of it is just this impending feeling of loneliness, part of it is probably work. Yesterday I felt this overwhelming need to go back to Seattle.

I have some regrets. I dreamed of just being there and showing him I won't leave him and I'll always be there whenever he needs me. The number 2 thing The Book says that masculine men need is your availability. If anything, this is my greatest asset. I wish I had said I'd be back in 2 weeks and then gone back. I wish I could navigate these things easier. I stalked him a bit on Meetup and saw pictures of his latest hike. I'm usually right about how bad I'll feel, but I'm rarely right about how easily I can get over someone. 

I wonder if he's just the first one to voice that my lack of availability and lackadaisical approach to where I'm living is the real issue? It's funny that he accuses me of both coming on too strongly and dropping out of his life. What the heck, dude.

Was my need to hurt him...the reason this failed?

I had been plotting to get him back this whole time. 

I just took a look at my budget for the year, I've spent more than $1,000 on therapy this year! Wow!

Don't mind the $20k I've spent going to Seattle.