Wed, Nov 30, 2022, Another financial milestone

 It's harder to write about happy news somehow. Maybe because I think those things shouldn't be noteworthy. Or maybe because it's in larger measure than I like to give credit for.

Yesterday I got an early deposit of my paycheck and noticed it was a few hundred dollars more. Given my recent foibles with payroll, I thought they'd made a mistake and not withheld the correct taxes.

Well, friends, after some clicking around, it turns out I hit a new milestone. Remember last year, I came to the 'taxing' conclusion after filing my taxes that I made too much to contribute to Roth IRA. After the tax debacle dust settled, I was silently gleeful. Yay!

Well, the reason my paycheck was a little higher this time was because I reached the OASDI limit! Apparently that social security tax they take out about 6.2% (I think) is capped if your income is over $147k. Having never reached that limit before, I thought social security was always taken out of all your income. Nope!

So as of my Nov 30 paycheck, I'd reached $147k, so only about $411 was taxed and the rest I got to keep! 

So...look at your girl... phasing out of stuff. I got it going on! I don't know who to celebrate with!

Oh well, doesn't take away the milestone I didn't know I had yet to reach. I love these reflection points. Stop and smell the cash, MERJ!

My spending is out of control a bit this month. In a bit of downtime between meetings, I noticed my spending for November was hovering around $1800/mon. I no longer know off the top of my head what my target monthly spend is, but this feels high!

The window is closed right now, but I think some of the new spending had to do with therapy bills and clothes shopping. The clothes shopping total is a little high right now but I haven't done all my returns. 

I had therapy this morning. I wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about so I'm a little glad he decided to talk about the Seattle decision. He said I was fortunate to have the flexibility to go to Seattle and stay short term. He used a lot of positive words to describe my situation. Which is nice.

He also brought it into perspective about the Sean thing...basically... you could have stayed another month and seen where things go. Makes sense now. At the time, I was really unsure. $2500 was just not an amount I was trying to spend. But in the perspective of, I'll spend whatever to get what I want (ie, a husband), that amount seems worth it. But we're also going with the perspective that everything worked out. I would've been mad if I'd stayed and the very next day he started ghosting me. 

He said it didn't matter about the split, it was just dependent on how important escaping the NC heat was to me. 

I mostly just need reminders when I'm making these high stakes decisions on what exactly I wanted. 

So I think for now, I'll plan to split the summer. And with the Lifestyle Fund reserved, I can make a $2500 decision more readily. 

At the end of the day, it's not like I have the best rhetoric. I say lots of random imprecise things. It's a lot to expect another human to say the perfect words. 

Mon, Nov 28, 2022, It's sunny here

 It's hard to be sad when it's sunny. Yesterday, was the first day I felt tired of being by myself. Maybe it was the dread of the upcoming work week.

But today I made progress. I spent 3 hours on a work project that should've taken an hour because of technical difficulties. That sucked. I got nervous and anxious.

Luckily, I was able to move 2 of my work tasks to tomorrow. 

Ended up doing some personal errands.

- Picked up makeup from Macy's and Ulta.

- Returned about $600 worth of merchandise back to Old Navy.

- Scheduled an appointment with Orkin to come back out since I've seen some more reminders of uninvited guests. Gross. Honestly, that has put a damper in my sails. 

- Cancelled my appointment for cleaning with Angi and called Molly Maids instead. Looks like that will run me about $300 from the $200 I was quoted from Angi. 

I wasn't sure how much Old Navy stuff I was going to keep, but it looks to be about $200. Which kinda sucks. Even though they were only $13/pair, I think I will return the 3 pairs of fleece-lined leggings I got. I didn't take them with me today because I planned to keep them. However, on the ride back I remembered, I really don't need cold weather leggings. They were still really for this November/Dec trip that I didn't end up taking. And even if (I mean 'when') I go next fall, it'll only be cool enough for them like the last 2 weeks of October, I'm hoping.

I'll just wear the 3 new long sleeved dresses I got as they cost a pretty penny. I also have a Ponte skirt and the corduroy pants I found in my old clothes I can wear. I might keep one pair, but I really shouldn't. They're not super comfy but they're comfier than the corduroy pants. 

Plus, next fall is a whole year from now. That's way too long to keep anything. 

I hate that I just checked that Voice number again. Maybe I'll just send the password to myself weekly. I don't want to be constantly checking and breaking my own heart. 

Sat, Nov 26, 2022...spending more money (and potential love stories)

 I just booked housecleaning for about $200. If it goes well, I might do it quarterly. That's who I am now. Once the tap started flowing, it can't stop. I unfroze my one remaining credit card to charge it to because I'm not sure what my money is doing at this time of year. 

I was like this last year I think. With all the Christmas shopping, it just feels like the time of year to buy stuff. And I know what my regular expenses (for the remaining month) will be so it's easy to loosen the purse strings.

My Old Navy haul came in and it was fun to try on all the stuff. I was both excited and dismayed. I got a little mad because by the time the items came I'd already decided I wasn't going. But then this morning, I woke up excited again and had fairytale daydreams of being back in Seattle for a winter holiday. 

I got this really cute puffer coat that I want to wear...somewhere! Like one of my reality stars, I was going for the outfit!

I remember again when I had that detour from college and was living off the kindness of relatives, I used to store up all these clothes I'd wear once I got to college and my "real life" started. 

While I do want to get excited and expect only good things to happen next year, I need some guardrails in place. I forgot how long in advance is best for me to plan for from an emotional management standpoint. But 5 months is probably too much. Yet, I did have a loose idea of being okay to gather nuts in preparation for likely events. For example, a picnic blanket for the picnics in the park I dreamed of having. 

I vacillate between going to Seattle for 9 to 12 months or just 4 to 5 months. 

Less so, but sometimes I wonder if I should just stay my happy butt home and not go at all.

I vacillate on what my theme should be - one last shot at love; YOLO for my last year in my 30s; or just a spring/summer and fall vacation. 

I love my daydreams of being loved, but when I try to flesh it out to see what parts of it are achievable, so that I can prep for it I find myself stuck. 

Is there a future with Sean or was it just a casual fling? Did he mean it when he blurted out that he loved me? Or does the silence and end of our relationship give me the answer I need?

Will I be able to rekindle things with Dan or was that just a summer fling? 

Who do I fasten the day dream to? Or do I let both stories play out?

Do I start anew and add up all the fantasies together into one magical year? Do I keep the puffer coat!

What's different about this versus starting over in undergrad? Starting over in grad school? Living in DC? Living in LA? Moving to NC with the full dress and makeup and starting over then? All the summer programs where many people fall in love and make fast friends?

What will be different this time if I decide to go all in?

But even if nothing is different, what have I really lost?

I want to plan out next year so I can remember to be happy when I get what I want.

Well, kids, can we celebrate that I lasted 1 holiday break without feeling down? Not devastatingly down anyway. I actually want one more day to myself to just day dream. 

It probably helped that I got some phone calls from a committee member just about everyday. 

There are 4 scenarios I want to plan out. I'm only planning for happily ever after.

Scenario 1: The Sean story, I go in March. I go to 3 meetups where I think he might be... we get reacquainted. I follow Dr. Pat's book and we are engaged within 9 months. I stay in Seattle. I book for 3 months at a time...following the stages I guess. 

Scenario 2: The Dan story. We contact each other 3 times before Spring/Summer. By the third time, he continues the conversation. He inquires when I'll be back in Seattle, and I confirm...soon. We stay in regular contact and our conversations move from platonic to friendly to romantic. I get to Seattle in late May and we start to date. After 6 weeks, he asks me to be his girlfriend. We get to know each other and the compatibility we initially had deepens. It's hard to imagine that we were ever apart. That we are so different on paper. I don't know that we reach burning love but it is a slow and deep and comforting love. It is a love that feels certain. It is a familial love because when we are together we are family. It is the love that you hear of that the person is still happy and supports the other person even if they were to choose someone else. But somehow we choose each other every day. It's the love of two people that feels full. It is both enough and plenty. It's comforting and safe and filling. It's the love of two people who know they will grow old together and the idea delights them. It's a forever love. 

Scenario 3: Forget those guys. I never hear from them again. And I never reach out. I go to Seattle in the spring/summer and start from scratch with dating. I go on a few dates a month. This is the story I can't flesh out. Maybe I meet someone? Is it a fling? You'd think it be easy to make an amalgam of all the love stories that have gone through my head both real and imagined. But I usually need a starter in the shape of a real human or a real interaction. Otherwise it's pure fantasy. Ok, so I go on some dates. I meet someone, follow the rules in Dr. Pat's book, and we are engaged by the end of the year. I live 1 more year in Seattle officially and we marry and move in together. In this scenario, I do just go ahead and do the split summer. Just to have a break and make sure we can continue while apart.

Scenario 4: I do the split summer. I don't really date. I go and have fun in Seattle in spring/summer. But due to lack of any real connection in romance or friendship, when I come back in the fall, I keep it to Sep and October and just have a cozy last season in Seattle. I never go back. 

Wed, Nov 23, 2022, Am I being gaslit....again?

 I thought Counselor Katie was telling me to radically accept the possibility that my life won't be much more than this. When I brought it up, she said that's not what she meant.

Then Counselor Mark...I thought he told me not to give up until I've exhausted every possibility of getting a partner....he said he didn't say that... I have it in my notes.

I'm a bit annoyed at Counselor Katie, only because her payment system is a bit problematic. I have to manually do it. And I don't get invoiced or anything. And her admin is telling me to schedule the check to arrive the day of the payment. Errr...I'm not scheduling a pre-payment. That's just crazy.

So I have 4 days off with no human contact.

So much to say and think, yet so little at the same time.

Biden delayed student loan payments for what appears to be about 8 months next year. I'm just budgeting for no student loans for the whole year. This threw quite a spanner in the works. Without the student loan payment, I decided to just make the monthly (really quarterly) overseas payments come out of my bonus. It amounts to about $6k/yr. I think I'll just take a lump sum out of whatever my bonus is and put it in a separate bucket so I don't have to account for it.

So without student loans or tithing money in my monthly budget, my total expenses for the 2023 calendar year is around $18k, rounded to $20k. I didn't want to do another sparse year, but here we are.

It's hard not to feel motivated to save more. But I'm stuck with...what am I doing with all this money. 

I thought planning my perfect year would be a great exercise in claiming my life and ceasing to wait for the other shoe to drop. But alas, it's just kind of taken the fun out of it. I feel like I've run the gamut of emotions of all the things I've planned for next year.

I think that's part of the reason flying to Seattle for the Nov/Dec timeframe just never took off the ground. I was pretty set that I'd spend Nov/Dec enjoying the milder late fall climate in NC. So without an obviously compelling reason to stay in Seattle, this was the easier choice. 

So I have $800 worth of clothes coming on Monday and no place to go. It's overwhelming. And I discovered an Old Navy glitch that was giving away $20 coupons but couldn't bring myself to splurge on anything. My mind is too pre-occupied.

I've gone through different iterations of which of the $800 haul I want to keep. I think I'd settled on the 2 tight dresses (more warm weather clothes) and 3 pairs of leggings.  I might still try everything else on just for fun. But a winter trip to Seattle is like at a 0.0% chance of happening at this point. 

I'm still trying to convince myself it's okay to keep a few items because I do plan to return for a late spring and an early fall, so some of the cool weather clothes makes sense.

But I'm not really interested in figuring out where to store everything. 

I really, really regret not staying and see where things would have gone with Sean. I imagined if I were still there and we were still getting along, this news from Biden would have been the "sign" I was looking for to stay all of next year.

It would've been awesome! 

But now that I'm not actively sobbing and it's been about 3 weeks since I left Seattle, and it's the holiday season, it's hard to imagine upending my life to be back in cold, dark, Seattle this time of year.

In today's session with Mark, he was trying to talk to me about likelihood with rejection, etc. I think the numbers don't lie. It's like 1 in 3 black women will get married. 

So if I do go back, right now, the thing that makes the most sense is just shoot for low hanging fruit which is a summer fling. But this time, don't wish for more when it ends. So with that as a goal, a spring/summer trip for 6-8 weeks makes sense; take a break; then go back for late summer/early fall. 

I won't need a puffer coat and warm sweaters...or pants! I won't get to wear my cute fall boots, but that's okay. 

I did get to use 2 of the glitchy Old Navy coupons and got 2 dresses/tops to wear over leggings and a pair of ankle boots for $9 total. 

Depending on how some of the other stuff fits, I might keep a couple things for the late spring/early fall..but just a couple. And then just remind myself that I can always wear...pants. Ick. 

Now I wonder if the cost was ever the issue with moving to Seattle. I could always have technically afforded it. And I think it would be scary to move to Seattle to be with a boy as much as I thought that's what I wanted. But with this free year of no student loan, I really don't have an excuse not to move, but I feel even less compelled than I did before.

Mon, Nov 21, 2022, Retail therapy

 I'm not sure what this "Amazon recruiter" is on... if it's a scam, he's not doing a good job of selling it. Something's off but I'm not quite sure what. Right now, he's trying to submit me for a project manager that works on site. Eek, not really what I was looking for. It's only 3 months, so who knows.

Since I'm not spending $5k on a winter getaway, decided to blow a bunch of money on some make-up. Because of shipping and different sale prices, ended up ordering from three different places. At some point, I'm going to have to put gas in my car and drive to all these places.

I'm thinking of putting the futon back closer to the window so I can feel the sun on my face. 

I washed 3 makeup brushes today that I forget I even had.

One of my Dollar Store shadows might actually work well for a blush. But I bought the palette I saw on the YouTube video anyway.

I kind of decided to stay but we'll see. 

I just would rather plan for My Perfect Year next year than have a little bit of fun this winter.

It'll be good too once my manager gives me an idea of what my project schedule will be like next year. 

I think the beauty of this potential Winter 2022 vacation was that it capitalized on my free time, something I've been leaning into. Why not, have fun elsewhere.

I'm not sure which loose goal to follow right now- stay in NC for the sunnier weather even if temperature wise they're similar; practice temperament (finally) for 2022 and just enjoy my life in NC for the rest of the year, ie, take a break from dating and chasing boys; or YOLO and just enjoy the holidays in a cool spot and my light workload.

But I think since I'd had it in my mind this whole time of spending Nov and Dec in NC, it's easier to stay.

Honestly even the thought of spending 2 to 4 weeks in Maryland with my aunts feels dreadful, and I'm not sure why. But I'm leaving it open in case I start to get the single scaries come mid December.

So that's where I am.

I'm like 90% staying but still day dream about going.

Side note: I turned my cell phone on today because I was hungry and McDs was the easier choice. It filled me with a surprising amount of anxiety. I just felt the need to check all the apps. So I think I may just need to limit cell phone time to when I'm in Seattle. This is why I didn't want a phone. I know myself. 

So maybe this Nov-Dec is a good reset and recharge. #theSimpleLife.

But I also can't help but feel like I'm running out of time. I don't really need to reset and recharge when faced with an unknown amount of years of early retired old person life. 

Maybe I want to run out of battery. I don't see myself chasing boys and being super active after I cross 40. But, My Brain Says, remember how old you felt when you moved to NC. I was all of 27 and was a bit embarrassed going back to school. Wow, to be 27 again! 

Twenty seven is the perfect age to be in Seattle. Well 27 and gainfully employed for 2 years, that is. 

A long term that includes Seattle really depends on how I want to craft life after 40. 

Maybe I'll just turn 30 again... wouldn't that be fun. 

Wouldn't that be funny. Nothing memorable happened between 17 and 27 anyway. I'm not in touch with any of those people. Other than the giant lie, maybe I could start my life over again. 

Here's the thing... I didn't see my 40s as my ascent... I was thinking of it as a descent, I want to coast. But I never really reached any sort of peak. 

Sun, Nov 20, 2022, $800 worth of new clothes?

 Don't be fooled, I only plan to spend about $250. But I was a true American and ordered a few items in multiple colors and sizes with a plan to return the ones I don't use. I did not account for the fact that they're not supposed to arrive until Monday of next week! Two days before I plan to fly out!

I haven't purchased my braiding hair yet, but I probably should. That is less returnable, so I don't know. 

I know I can get my work done in the next 10 days but I'm hoping I can put this trip planning aside and get the bulk of it done in the next 3 days. Then I can resume trip planning.

This is why I don't like trip planning and have been booking my last several trips at the last minute. After awhile, it just gets to be too much. It's a lot of thinking and planning and then I start to wonder if it's even worth it.

I think that's what I mean by, is it the right decision. I ask this question all the time, but no one ever answers. Unfortunately, I don't have any frugal accountability partners, so I've just been spending without a care in the world. 

The old lady meetup group was going ziplining today. At first I was relishing in the fact that I just didn't want to go. When I checked in with Future Regret, I took a closer look at the event details and realized it was like $60 and it wasn't super warm outside. I was okay with my decision not to go. 

I'm 100% going back to Seattle to chase boys. If there weren't even a whisper of seeing Sean again, I would not feel so inclined to go. I mostly am going for one moment. I want to wear the hair style he said he liked and show up in a cute outfit (with makeup I still need to learn to do) at a board game event and just see what happens.

Fantasy Brain taking over again.

I just want the moment. 

Getting my hair done is actually the hardest of the things. It's a lot of coordinating. It's 3 different steps. Order the hair, get hair washed, and find someone to braid my hair.

Then trying to convince myself to be active in winter. It's easy to wish I had stayed because it's been sunny and nice here. And let's face it, even with mostly sunny, mild weather, I've preferred to just stay in the house the last week or so. 

I tried rationalizing that I'll be okay even if I do sit in the house in Seattle, I'll still have my TV shows I want to watch. But I don't know.

Eve is probably going to be on break for half of December, so there goes half of my entertainment. Lots of people with families to go to are probably going to be gone. I did find a couple activities I would be interested in doing in Seattle, but .... I don't know.

I think it's just hard not to want to capitalize on this free time. I know in early retirement, I'll have loads of free time, but I won't have cash flow. And there's just something delightful about taking advantage of remote work and living this version of early/ pre-early retirement. Where when I see a break in workflow, I go on an adventure!

Maybe it doesn't need to be anything more than that.

I've been fascinated by the shows Summer House and Winter House. Sure I'm not a reality star, but I do like the idea of a getaway (even if I don't have a house full of friends). 

Part of me is afraid of doing too much of a good thing.

But the other part of me is quite aware of how unlikely it is I'll want to do this in my 40s. But who knows.

It's just hard to know what to choose...especially when there's no metric. #morefun?

I can't believe at 38, I'm still chasing boys much the same way I did at 7 or 8 or 17 or 18. 

Okay, let's brainstorm, what will make it a bad trip:

- Sit in the house all day

- Bad weather, where I'm eating junk and feeling horribly physically

- Never cook or eat anything yummy

- Don't go out or hang out with anyone

- And see Sean and something horrible happens (ie, he sees me but nothing is rekindled)

- The weather is depressing and I just sit around doing what I do here; I'm unmotivated to do any work I need to do; don't wear any of my cute outfits; 

- I don't get asked out on any dates and I spiral into depth of despair

- There are no cool events to attend or there are and I'm not motivated to attend

- I'm othered at the events I am looking forward to attending

- I have such a bad time, I don't want to go back next summer, thereby ruining plans for My Perfect Year

Fri, Nov 18, 2022, I feel hopeful

 Symptom tracker at 8:32a = 0. That's a first! I think the worst is 18. Like everything, I thought I'd remember, but I didn't. 

My priority is getting through this work project and slogging until Dec 19. A finite timeline...this I can do.

I think I'm especially boosted because in a spurt of who-knows-what, I turned my phone back on. Surprise, no messages!

I tried to break into my most recent Seattle account, and even Google said it would take 120 hours. Ha!

I think I might as well wait so I don't get locked out permanently.

But I was comforted by the not knowing which is knowing for certain I've been ghosted. And I got to check, which quelled that need. 

I haven't even been wanting to go to the few low-key Meetup events with the old ladies. I'm just trying to enjoy the time to myself. I think when the day starts off cold it's hard to imagine it warm again. With the phone on, I was able to quickly check the weather in Seattle, temperature-wise, it's pretty similar. Oh well. 

I've been thinking more about just going to Seattle in March. But is that reality or fantasy. Fantasy! March because that's what I told Sean. See, this is why I can't be a Carefree Katie, I actually say things and then want them to be true.

It's 33 degrees outside. As much as I want some biscuits, I'm going to stay my happy butt inside. I might make some hot chocolate but I'm afraid of the sugar crash.

I'll probably cry today, but oh well.

As long as I can get this project done by Tuesday, I refuse to be sad. 

I just have to make it to Tuesday, and the rest will be very manageable.

I dreamed about going to Seattle again just this weekend. I think that's why I wanted to break into my phone. Just a glimmer of something to say, yes, do this!

My black neighbor got a new car it looks like. I think that's the third car in as many years. She had Car #1 which I don't remember but shortly after I moved in, she got a black jeep. Now there's a cool looking sports car.

I think more and more, I find myself in a de facto version of early retirement. If my job continues to be cushy, the next 5 years will be very fun. Can you imagine me...enjoying life! Blasphemous!

2023: My Best Year Yet (Nov 17 Update)

 Nov 17, 2022, I have so many versions of this - from My Perfect Year, My Last Year, and now My Best Year...

I have more detailed notes, but I don't know if I want to include action items here or just highlights...TBD

2023: My Best Year Yet

(Nov 2022: Pre-paid for 1 year of counseling)

Theme: Maximize Fun, Minimize Risk (emotional)

Remember: Last year of your young adulthood! Last Year of my 30s!

Jan - Mar:

- Max out 401k

Mar to May:

- Play softball

- Prep for Seattle Summer

Memorial Day to Oct 31 (Halloween):

- Live in Seattle (split the time; respite back in NC: mid-Jul to mid-Aug)

June:

 - Walk the loop at least 1x/week

 - when warm enough, have fun in the water

mid-Jul to mid-Aug:

- take a break, have a respite back in NC

- collect thoughts

mid-Aug to Sep:

- Get in/on the water at least 1x/week

Oct:

- enjoy last month in Seattle

- cook and be cozy

Nov to Dec 2023

- Finish the year off in NC - it'll go by really fast

- Eat puppy chow

- Enjoy romance novels and watch romantic movies again

Thurs, Nov 17, 2022, A $2k deposit on my lease...on life

 Hey, friends!

I've been waiting to use that catchy title all day! I put a $2k deposit down on my new lease...on life. Yes, friends. We had a small opening to change our FSA amounts for next year. Originally, I did a cautious $240 in case I wanted 6 sessions of counseling...was thinking every other month for the whole year...or something similar. I was cautious about putting more because the first year I tried an FSA, we went into lockdown and ended up scrambling to use it. I think it was only around $120. 

This year at open enrollment I had no life plans for 2023 because I was still without a plan. The year is at an end, and I'm still figuring things out but the Lease on Life seems to be a good idea at the moment.

Since the objective is to live another year, I decided to spend the $40/week counseling co-pay x 52 weeks = ~$2k. I have to sign up by tomorrow. So I did!

I was trepidatious. But then I thought, what exactly am I afraid of. Either not using it... obviously because my life would automatically be so great I wouldn't need counseling!

But probably because the thought of the increase started with me thinking of just slowing down with therapy and doubling up for the 5 months I'm in Seattle (because of dating, etc). So I thought, well if I don't do that, I won't need therapy. 

But even if I don't end up going, it would be nice to have the anchor. It's been nice knowing I'll talk to someone for a week. So yeah, I bought a friend. Better than being scammed into one like the old ladies on American Greed- so in need of someone to talk to that they talk to scammers just because they call them regularly. 

Anyway, after not being able to easily find a downside, I just CALLED and upped the balance. 

I'm in a normal mood because I actually did work today. Even that (work) made me not want to get out of bed, but once I started I found a groove. When I started to feel the whispers of overwhelm, I told myself I only had to work till 1p. And that made it all better. 

So much so that I probably finished about an hour ago, but decided to just find different tasks to streamline for the next day. Yay, me!

So yeah, so maybe in dream life... I work 9a to 1p and have the rest of the day to myself. That's essentially what happened a lot of the time in Seattle anyway, except I'd have to wake up at 6a(PST) to log-in. 

Maybe my future techie boyfriend can write me a program to log me in at 9a EST everyday. Winner!

I've been regretting a bit not pivoting on the last couple of trips to Seattle. I do wish I'd stayed or though more about staying. It was definitely easier to leave, but I could have made staying work. If I had looked at my schedule, I would've realized, I had a low workload for pretty much 3 weeks and travel points. 

I think I was also scared of blowing it with Sean, and I ended up doing that anyway.

I'm a little scared about next year. Other than fearing something bad will happen externally, planning too far in advance puts a lot of pressure on me to manufacture an outcome. I'm an overprocessor in that regard. Just by planning it, I feel like I experience all the possible emotions so far in advance so that by the time the event comes, I'm either over it or exhausted from thinking about it.

So at some point, I just want to make the plan and then just live it. In other words, not think about it anymore, and actually just live it. 

I'm trying not to think about 2024, but I don't think returning to Seattle makes as much sense. I'm just so much older than everyone I met there. I'll be in my 40s you know. 

As for the rest of the year, I'm hoping to be able to knock out the next 2 projects relatively easily. I hope I can keep the holidays that my predecessor had scheduled so I can stop thinking about work mid December. 

And I'm hopeful for a light workload next year (2023). I really am!

Something in me tells me that next year will be my BEST year yet! It has to be!

Wed, Nov 16, 2022, Maximize fun, minimize (emotional) risk

 Should that be my motto for next year. Of course after tormenting me for nearly a week, Mean Brain has subsided and I'm back to planning My Best Year Ever.

I realized it's my last summer of my 30s. I just want it to be awesome!

So many thoughts.

Yesterday was a lot of blubbering. But this morning the sun is out and it's just hard to be sad when the sun is out! It just is. 

So I chase the sun. For the sun prefers my dark skin and doesn't discriminate against me. It treats all of us equally. 

Because of the new IRS limits, we have until Friday to adjust our HSA for next year. I think I'm going to go ahead and up it to the amount I'd need for 52 weeks of counseling.

Is this an impulse buy?

Probably. 

(grrr now my torMentor is emailing me... grrr now the reg team is messaging me.)

I was just in a good mood. Now this.

Any way back to my good mood.

I'm only planning for the best possible outcome (while still being mindful of risks to my emotional well being).

So ideally, I get counseling for a year with a white man. It'll help when I marry one and when I have to do business with one.

It's also nice to have a male perspective. Maybe I can stop being so afraid.

Either way, the best possible outcome is I fall in love and live happily ever after, or at the minimum just live for another year. 

As for the summer split, I think the knowns are that I survived a split summer this year and it went well. So it's easier just to start there and tack on a few extra days to the split. I will save enough money to come back in two weeks to each trip.

I think the current plan is for Trip 1 to use points for the trip there and pay for the trip back. Hopefully rack up enough points with a sign-up bonus to pay for the roundtrip for Trip 2. 

That's where I am now.

I was already planning to double up on therapy for the summer anyway (at least as of this morning). Just for the summer of 2x/week = $1600

For 52 weeks (or 1x/week for a year), that'll cost $2,080.  Or about $80/pp. Yowzers!

How much is my life worth?

Well the goal is to live all of 2023, so I think following that, I have to do it.

I was going to skimp and just shoot for $1,000 so that I'm not pressured to figure out what to do with the money. But if nothing else, I can get physical therapy. But this is like buying a gym membership. I bought it, now I have to spend it! 

I can't lose my life over love

 I think that's what I'm starting to realize. My mantra lately has been, what's the worse that could happen. This time I know the answer: I get rejected, I fall into the depth of despair, and move forward with the plan to end my life sooner rather than later.

If love is unachievable, then I don't know what my life looks like.

I don't know what I'm doing in Seattle.

I'll still plan as though I'm going there, but it can't be for love. This makes the case for splitting the summer in Seattle.

I don't have any evidence in my own personal life that romantic love is worth the risk. I think it was only ever meant to be a nice to have. But somehow it got distorted. 

Tues, Nov 15, 2022, How much is my life worth?

Dear Diary,

My, how November has flown by, and it makes me happy! The great mix of sunny and cool weather is something to rejoice.

I really don't know why I've been crying for the last week or so? I'm a little anxious about my next work projects because I'll be flying solo. 

I got a weird call from a recruiter for an Amazon job. We'll see if it's a scam or not.  

I finished the book, You Should Talk to Someone, it gave me some insight into what therapy is like for a therapist and other patients.

It helped me to ask for a session tomorrow with Katie.

I just don't want to be crying for the rest of the year.

Part of it is Sean, part of it is just this impending feeling of loneliness, part of it is probably work. Yesterday I felt this overwhelming need to go back to Seattle.

I have some regrets. I dreamed of just being there and showing him I won't leave him and I'll always be there whenever he needs me. The number 2 thing The Book says that masculine men need is your availability. If anything, this is my greatest asset. I wish I had said I'd be back in 2 weeks and then gone back. I wish I could navigate these things easier. I stalked him a bit on Meetup and saw pictures of his latest hike. I'm usually right about how bad I'll feel, but I'm rarely right about how easily I can get over someone. 

I wonder if he's just the first one to voice that my lack of availability and lackadaisical approach to where I'm living is the real issue? It's funny that he accuses me of both coming on too strongly and dropping out of his life. What the heck, dude.

Was my need to hurt him...the reason this failed?

I had been plotting to get him back this whole time. 

I just took a look at my budget for the year, I've spent more than $1,000 on therapy this year! Wow!

Don't mind the $20k I've spent going to Seattle. 

I can't breathe

 I just feel this panic. Like my heart is too heavy to carry my breath. It's 2p and I thought I was fine this morning. Maybe it's the anxious feelings of my upcoming work project.

I thought about going back to Seattle this Thursday. I don't know why. Maybe to escape this feeling that was coming. 

I don't have any credit cards so I don't know how I could easily pay for it. It's cold there.

I decided I'll always stay if someone falls in love with me...or even if I'm in a relationship, or simply if anyone asked me to.

That's how I talked myself out of not going.

I don't know what's real anymore. Without the illusion of signs and destiny, the decision to go is mine alone. So I made up a metric.

I don't know if I'm trying to go because there is something waiting for me - there's no way my body knows that. I don't understand what's happening or why. 

I just feel...confused? 

I'm regretting what I said to Sean. I wish I had better explained... hey, I'll be out of town for a few weeks. Rather than..whatever it is I said. Then I could have pivoted back.

But I still wanted to hurt him or get him to confess feelings for me? I don't know what's going on. 

When do I get to feel better?

Mon, Nov 14, 2022, A new lease on life

 Hey friends, 

I woke up this morning with a lot of thoughts. I re-read some old posts from this time of year as far back as 2018. Some thematic elements - feeling stuck; how much I don't like spring/summer in NC; how much I like fall weather in NC (from Oct onwards); same lamentations about love; limitations of finances...

I think for me it just showed me that all this wee-wee-woo-woo stuff is bunk. You want something to happen, you have to make it happen. There are no signs, destinies, meant to be. It is a distressing thought. Comforting when it goes your way, but distressing when it doesn't. 

I decided to lease life annually for the time being. Planning my death date was confusing. Even renewing my lease on life is distressing, much like it was when I was renting. Is this it? What if x,y,z bad or good happens? There was something so final about committing one more year to a life I didn't want and a rental I was apathetic about. But renewing my apartment lease felt like committing one more year to my current life. I felt stuck. But after awhile the distress of having to make a decision was resolved because by renewing my apartment lease, I couldn't make any other big decisions..until renewal time came again.

Since this time of year is one when I am most likely to be happy and hopeful, I decided that will be my renewal period. 

Part of what I'm trying to accomplish with My Perfect Year or End of Life Plans or Final Countdowns is just some semblance of control; some sense of direction; some manufactured support where externally the humans have failed me. I just want to know what will happen next, so I can plan for it, so I can expect it, so I won't fall into depths of despair.

Out of therapy, I decided I want to put a gated fence, a cover, an alarm on the depth of despair. I want to go nowhere near it. That isn't to say I love life and definitely want to live for the long term. I just don't want to drown. 

So here we are, friends, I'm renewing my lease on life for the entire calendar year of 2023. It may be my last or it may not be. But I give myself the freedom to not think about 2024. I'm not quite planning to live 2023 like it's my last, but I'm also not planning to look too far into the future. The only real future plan is just the background financial goal of saving at least $36k/year for the next 5 years so that I can reach millionaire status. That is in essence just a capricious goal. I just made it up. There's not much a FIRE budget of $40k/yr will do for me but it would be nice to have. And a million dollars used to seem like such a huge number. 

2023 Lease on Life

I'm thinking the 5 months in NC, broken into Part 1: frontloading my 401k and Part 2: playing softball and planning for my summer bird life...

Then going to Seattle from Memorial Day to Halloween.

Then coming back to enjoy the last 2 months of the year in NC's glorious Fall Weather.

For the Seattle summer, I'm still going back and forth on doing a split. It just feels overwhelming to commit to 5 months away from home. I know I'll be alone most of it so I don't know. For now, I think I want to do the Memorial Day to July 15 split; come back; get my hair done; take a break; recharge; and then go back the last 10 days of August until end of October. If I am in a relationship, the forward-up plan is to just stay in NC 2 weeks. That's where I got stuck last summer. I met someone and couldn't decide if I should go back. 

I want the built in break to think. 

But there is a part of me that likes the idea of nesting for 5 months and being able to spread out and exhale. And it's easier to just do a 1 shot deal instead of taking 2 separate trips. For now, I'm going to go with the split. 

I think there is a part of me that feels more comfortable essentially recreating what I did last year which was split up the time. 

So my main goals for next year is just to make it to the end of year. So my decision making will be like from The Book, just focus on self-centered love. It's becoming easier and easier to do this. Not having to care about other people's feelings is not as hard as I thought. 

Why I still can't commit to moving to Seattle full time? Because I'll still be black and othered. It doesn't make sense to waste money to feel bad. 

So for now, I will budget to stay in Seattle up to 5 months. I'll save my 2023 Bonus Money as a forward up plan in case someone falls in love with me. I'll stay. It's an easy yes. I don't need them to ask. If Sean messages me in March, I'm taking the Bonus Money and heading to Seattle 2 months early. I'm only planning for good things. 

So that's it friends.

What other thoughts did I have...

I'm happy I'm here for this weather. I loved reading yesterday and pretending my home office was a screened in porch. I love the sun and a cool breeze. I liked having the window open and listening to the sounds of my neighbors.

I baked some muffins this morning despite all the gross things I had to see in terms of intruders. Yuck.

I'm excited I decided to live my life this way... 1 year at a time.

I want to plan each year out just like I'm doing this year.

I'm glad I know my limitations and am not foolishly moving to Seattle to chase unachievable dreams. Despair is too close a companion. Love isn't worth the risk anymore. 

I don't know how much longer I'll live, but I know I'll live through next year. 

I don't think I'm going to make any mistakes with men. If I find myself in a fling next year, I know unequivocally not ask for or expect anything. Know that it's time-sensitive and enjoy it while you're there.

I didn't get the fairy tale. I just didn't. I got a horror story. At least it feels like that on some days.

But I get to write a new story every year. And I have so many inflection points throughout the year, that I can start over as many times as I need to. 

Re-reading some of my old blog posts it still amazes me how intense those feelings feel and when I re-read, I realize I had forgotten a lot of it.

So it's best for me and my emotional limitations to just live 1 year at a time, which is broken down into smaller pieces....inflection points, quarters, months, days, afternoons, hours...

Day dreaming...

I'm enjoying my last few more days of freedom before I have to put my head down and work on my project. I want to eat my muffins and finish reading my book.

I wonder if I'll stay downtown next year. I don't know if it's because that's what I did for the first half, but it feels like that's what I want to do again. Not sure if I want to get the meal kits, but probably. If I'm staying for 6 weeks, I can fit 2 or 3 kits in there. 

I feel better and better with the decision not to move to Seattle full time. I'm just tired of starting over and not getting the life I want. This protects me and keeps me safe. There is no guarantee that because you take big risks, you will be rewarded. I'm just naturally a risk-averse person. 

Next year is my last year as 30-something. Wow! Do I celebrate that and my 40s?!

Oh the other thing I was thinking today is....I'm glad I'm chasing good weather... because weather doesn't give preferential treatment to skinny-whites. Or men or any kind of people. It affects all of us equally. 

Sun, Nov 13, 2022, Turns out love isn't worth the risk

 After taking my therapist's advice to contact Sean, I've spiraled. I took his advice to contact Dan and eventhough the Dan thing wasn't a total bust, it wasn't really forever love either. 

I've been crying on and off all weekend.

I really need to do something with my anxious thoughts and feelings. I rearranged my office and that felt good. Just that burst of energy and very instant feeling of gratification - helped. I didn't even have to go to church today. I got out of bed because I felt the impulse to re-arrange my office.

I think a lot of the anxiety is the upcoming work projects too. 

The office looks a lot better. Instead of having everything in the middle of the room so I could be closer to the window, I put the desk against the side wall so now my view (surprisingly) isn't of the construction but of the nearby open field. Yay! I was hopeful but I did it without even testing it first. I just got tired of the feeling of clutter.

I moved the futon back against the wall. Now I have a nice area of open space to one day do stretching. One day. 

Health and fitness is like walking on an endless treadmill for someone who prefers to run trails. I can't do it without an immediate short term goal.

I don't enjoy sweating. I remember thinking this even as a 6th grader running track. I was like, my lungs could burn or they could not. I chose the latter.

I'm trying to keep my phone off until the end of the month (November) since that's when I'll have access to my Seattle Google voice account.

If I can do it, I hope to keep it off the rest of the year. It's been awhile since I've had a tech detox.

It's been such a nice weekend for puttering around the house.

I finally went into the scary bin downstairs to look at some clothes I was hoping I'd take to Seattle next year. I mostly just didn't want to be afraid anymore. I picked out some stuff, brought it upstairs. Had nowhere I wanted to store it. Tied it up in 2 plastic garbage bags with the intention of getting a rubber tote when I go to Walmart to make a money order. 

Not long after, I went through the bag of clothes to make sense of what I could really wear in Seattle given it's fickle weather of many layers. I had a couple cute outfits I remembered before but the tops are so thin and I'd have to wear pants. My leather boots are really cute and they make me feel sexy and confident, but I just don't like wearing pants - especially ill -fitted pants (ie, all pants on my body). 

And I couldn't think of one weather situation where those thin tops would make sense. I did like the idea of wearing what I'd previously worn as a thin cardigan as just a top. It was VERY low-cut and.... I kind of liked it. 

I did sort through and pick out some possibilities but I had trouble imagining what scenario I'd wear them to. In the end, put them right back in the bin. (Kind of accomplished nothing, but the bin is less scary, and I feel okay if I were to just buy all new clothes for Seattle.)

I thought the biggest risk of planning so far ahead was that I was too afraid of something bad happening, but I remember that I'm sometimes the bad thing that happens. I get overwhelmed with the possibility and just want to "end it." That's my go-to as you know.

I've toggled from moving to Seattle full time, to giving it 2 years, to 9 months, to 6 months, to now just a select 5 months in the summer to be able to actually enjoy the weather (and be on the lake). Then Reality Brain is like.. really... you're going to go outside when it's 80 degrees outside. 

I don't remember what I felt like when I was there briefly in July. I know some days were cool and I wore a sweatshirt, and other days I wore a sun dress and was hot. So that's confusing. 

I got annoyed with making outfits...with pants. I think if I can find 10 new cool-weather dresses, I'll probably go that route.

Well the other things on my mind today were... well if the weather is terrible.. maybe I just go for like 6 weeks at the beginning of summer and come back to NC from July 15 to end of August and wait out the heat here. I figure why be hot and spend money. I'll definitely be HOT in NC but I won't be spending money. 

Then I remembered I wanted to recreate by a lake house, so then I said... what about 10 days in August, so I would spend maybe mid July to mid August in NC just as a break ... get my hair redone, have a reprieve, have something to look forward to.... and then go back..with different clothes...

I tried to even imagine a dream life with dating...and I just couldn't... that's when I started to be more affirmed with my proclamation that love isn't worth the risk.

Next year was supposed to me My Last Year/ My Perfect Year. My Perfect Year slowly came to the foreground which made me lose sight of looking for love.

That's what started this whole Seattle thing isn't it?

In a way I did accomplish something by way of having some "friend leads" for next summer, my Perfect Year... I just am losing focus on what I want to accomplish. 

I think at the heart, I just want to prove to myself that I've let go of destiny and signs and jinxing and that I can plan out a perfect year and have it go my way. Just doing what I want.

I can't make my mind up about chasing love or not. It's just not an achievable goal, so it's hard to bake it into my perfect year. I think the best I could come up with today is that if I do get asked out / if a relationship progresses, I have the book as a guidebook which is comforting, so that's a forward plan (as opposed to a back-up plan). 

I only want to plan for the positives. 

Even with the separated summer, this time I'll say I'm going back to NC for two weeks (if someone falls in love with me). That way I can have time to think and prepare. 

I decided in my forward-up plan, if Sean messages me in March, I'm heading out there 2 weeks later. Only planning for the best! 

So as always I find my self stuck in a loop of decision-making. I still want to go next Summer. I think the default is just going for the 5 months, but I would rather have a plan of what I hope to do / accomplish. 

As for the rest of the year, I think I'll likely stay in town for Thanksgiving because of work deadlines. Then even though it'll suck, I think I'll head to my aunt's house in MD from Dec 19 onwards. I will be miserable, but I won't be alone. Being alone sucks. 

Sat, Nov 12, 2022, It still stucks

 I'm in actual agony. Eventhough I've hidden my phone away and locked myself out of the Google Voice account. My mind is still plaguing me with replays of the last few messages with Sean.

I hate my counselor for giving me advice. I'm trying to recount if I didn't give enough context. I wish I wouldn't be so intimidated to say No to men. Stop being a people pleaser, MERJ! Did I emphasize enough that this man had already told me for the third time now that he doesn't want to be with me, doesn't want long-distance anything. We forgot to solve for how I will feel. They kept wanting me to think about him. That's not my job. 

I wish I had not responded at all, that way Sean was the one feeling anxious. I wish I had at least more closely followed the verbiage from the book. 

Oh so many regrets. 

Part of me is still hoping the counselor is right, but therapists are never right. They exist in this utopia where we all communicate and express ourselves. That's just not reality.

I wish I would've waited, slept on it. But the thrill of not being anxious about something always overcomes me. But I just replace one anxious feeling with another. 

But there was a part of me that had hoped for professional advice when I was dating someone. Behold, it didn't change the outcome! 

The book is my guide! I can't let anyone else's opinion overrule it. It gets me and what I'm trying to accomplish to a T! 

I think ultimately, I'm not available to Sean so this already had a low likelihood of success.

But if I had let him be the one last to text, then I had options in the coming months. I could send a check-in text, something.

But I can't double text. 

I wish I hadn't responded...at least not yet. Not till I was very sure what I wanted to say. Maybe wait a week and see if I wanted to say anything at all.

I'm not sure if I regret the follow-up text even. Did I turn into the masculine then?

The counselors wanted me to acknowledge his feelings. That's not exactly what the book says. I can validate this thoughts but not necessarily cherish his feelings - that's his job.

I can't help but re-read this book. Just excerpts when I get bored.

Part of me is excited to try some of these tricks next summer. So it looks like I will be on the apps next summer. 

I'm so curious to see how these plans blow up in my face. All my plans always blow up.

More and more, I'm trying to solve the problem of living in Seattle. 

I'm ready for another fresh start.

It boils down to finances.

I just can't live paycheck to paycheck. And living frugally in Seattle just doesn't sound like something I want to do.

The best I think I can do is maybe get a lease that starts in June that way I'll know by the following March (about 3 months before renewal) whether I'll have enough money to cover expenses with my bonus. That doesn't make me feel good.

Who will do my hair? Who will be my friend?

I know I don't want to live with roommates as I originally thought. And I don't want a scraggly weird apartment. I like the furnished apartments of the short term rental companies. 

I want to live this fantasy. I think we can all agree living till 80 or even 60 is not in the cards for me. So, I think I have to just try to live out some version of fantasy for however long I have left.

I think the more I do stay in the workforce, the more inclined I feel to "live it up."

Fri, Nov 11, 2022, It stings every second

 Dear Diary,

I think from now on I have to treat each controversial message as though it might be my last. I don't feel that great about my last message to Sean.

I wish I had slept on it. He hasn't responded and I fear I was right. It might have felt better to just let his response go unanswered or at least let him think he was rejecting me.

This feels worse because it feels like I was asking for something, so I'm still waiting for a response. I forgot to consider my own feelings. 

All I want to do is delete my number. I don't want to sit through this. I don't think I can. I was going to try to wait until 4p today, but I think I'm just going to go until 11a EST. That's 48 hours.

I hope he responds by then. I tried to pray for 4p EST, but my heart can't take it. 

I made a mistake thinking I could handle this.

This makes me wonder what my perfect year will look like. I'll exist in Seattle for the fairy tale, but I can't chase.

I'll find a way to subtely let Dan know I'm back. Sean already knows I'll be back so there's nothing more I need to do there.

I think that's as much as I'm willing to do. The apps hurt too much. No variables. In fact, I'll make a point to let Dan know before my next birthday, so that it'll be a clean year. 

The day started off rainy. Then the sun came out. Now it's back to overcast. Much like my mood.

Thu, Nov 10, 2022, It just hurts

 Dear Diary,

It just hurts is all. I'm tired of being alone and feeling unloved and uncared for. I wish Sean would respond. I wish he would fall in love with me. I wish I had a chance at happily ever after.

My mood is definitely lower than I anticipated. Hopefully, I'll shake it off in 7 days.

Accomplishments:

- Financial check-in with 401k plan advisor

- Listed some office furniture for sale (BIG UPS!!)

- Took the photos, made the ad, searched emails for previous listing of said office furniture

- Sent the required documents to New Bank to get name changed. Update - name successfully changed without issue!! Yay!!

I was so desperate for attention, I scoured through emails from 2010 to find my old cell phone bill to text a boy who thought I was weird. Just to have my phone beep. No surprises - he didn't respond either.

I'm determined not to get too sad this holiday season but it's not looking good.

Oh as I just included above, my name is changed on all the banks I plan on using moving forward.

So I'm down to 3 brokers (still a lot, but here we are). And 2 regular banks - 1 for a hub and the other for regular and recurring expenses.  All 5 have my new name. 

I still have a churning bank which is fine. But I don't think it'll be an issue to change.

Personal Capital keeps advertising their high yield savings account and I am very tempted but I can't open another account right now. 

My Hub is where all my extra cash goes. There is at least 1 bucket of funds there, and I plan to house other funding buckets there moving forward. 

Oh I stopped taking the supplements on my last day in Seattle. I don't think that's the reason for my low mood, but there's no real way to know.

I'm so glad I deleted Sean's number because all I want to do right now is contact him. Grrr.

I'm also a little anxious about having to do real work next week. I probably need to prep but I'm not doing anything until next week rolls around. 

The overcast day isn't helping much. I just want to stay indoors. I don't know if I'm going to either of the 2 meetups tonight. I want to stay home and feel sorry for myself. 

One hamburger is enough

 The price of hamburgers changed at MacDonald's. It was 0.99 cents when I moved here in March 2020 and now in Nov 2022, one hamburger is $1.39.

The app also used to let you get free Large Fries with a $1 purchase. So after the hamburger price went up to $1.19 I would get a hamburger and large fries for about $1.39 with tax.

Now the deal is free large fries with $2 purchase. So not quite 1 hamburger. The other deal is $1 Large Fries, no other purchase required.

The better deal seems to be 2 hamburgers and the free Large Fries which with tax comes in at $3 even. 

But 2 hamburgers is just a bit too much. It's not exactly super nutritious. And although I've been enjoying the regularity of knowing what I can get for lunch, I'm not sure this is a meal I should be eating daily. 

I might skip to no more than 3 days a week. (Weekends don't count.)

So even though it's not a good of a deal, I think I'll stick to the $1 Large Fries and regular priced hamburger which is about $2.58 with tax. That's more than a dollar increase from my old total.

But one hamburger is enough. Fast food is not meant to be a daily occurrence in my opinion anyway, not just for your wallet but your waistline and health.

Anyway, accomplishments:

- Woke up at 8a for a meeting

- Finally messaged Meghan (no surprise she never texted me)

- Sent required paperwork to new bank to change name

- Completed last CE for license

- Completed and paid for renewal for pharmacy license!!!

- Waited until after appointment today with Counselor Mark before responding to Sean. I literally had 2 professionals help me craft a text to a boy. This is my life now. They had two different approaches. They both agreed that a response (vs no response) was better. For different reasons. Katie said I should say what I want and acknowledge my own hurt feelings. Mark said don't feed into it and just focus on the positive.  But they said I needed to acknowledge his hurt feelings, which I agreed to and date. They both asked what I wanted and to include a willingness to continue the relationship.

I could probably have sat with their feedback a bit longer but my anxious spirit wanted to just send off the response after a couple iterations.

Although it's a bit painstaking waiting for a response, it's a world of difference having their support. I don't have the angst of feeling like I should/ shouldn't. They said I should! It's nice to know, whatever the outcome I can share it with Counselor Mark next week.  Whatever the outcome, it's just nice to know I didn't do anything "wrong." Which is where I always get stuck. I had guidance and feedback and encouragement. It makes a difference, friends! It makes a difference! 

Even in my angst, instead of preparing for worst case scenario (which is still possible), I felt hopeful. I began to daydream of an immediate future with Sean. I imagined him contacting me when he was ready. Some fun texts. Some check-ins. Some flirting. I imagined a trip before next summer to rendezvous (not likely because I don't think he's much of a traveler), but it would be nice. 

I imagined being loved and taken care of, even if slower than my timeline. I just imagined being loved and looked after and someone checking on me and promising to be there. I keep thinking about what the book says, go for the guy that gives you 51% of what you're looking for. That's pretty much everyone I've "talked" to over the last year. 

Sean is nowhere near 100% of what I want but is solidly more than 51% of what I'm looking for - especially considering my baseline is just - nice to me and wants to hang out with me.

I think the help of the counselors just helps me to stop questioning if I made the right move. Did I interpret the situation correctly?

It's like having someone to share the burden with. I see why family and friends can be important. I did this healthy thing. This shared burden... is this what a relationship with God is supposed to be like? 

Wed, Nov 9, 2022, Two days of lost sleep

 Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a cool night which normally contributes to good sleep, but it didn't. It took me by surprise. I was also ruminating on responding to Sean.

I couldn't even remember when the text came. I checked a few minutes ago and it's only been since Monday. Geez!

I think when I can look at it objectively, he has said 2 or 3 times now that he doesn't want to pursue anything long-distance.

I do regret a bit following up with him when he didn't respond to me. Per the book, I should be responsive and not chasing. But I convinced myself to follow-up using text from the book as though we were in a relationship.

Groan, so I regret that.

I don't know what I want or the lowest I'll accept.

I guess the very lowest is potential to reconnect next summer. But next lowest is continuing talking (which he is saying he doesn't want).

I think my second goal after I left was that we would continue our flirtation, but I think he had feelings attached to that that I didn't know.

So if the lowest I'll accept is just potential to reconnect, then that's what I have to shoot for.  So I might just go with the thanks and verbiage about reconnecting.

The rest is higher emotional risk and I'll have to manage a response. Plus it takes us back to neutral, and kind of puts the ball in his court between now and next summer. In the end, I guess I'm glad he knows when I'll be back so he can reach out if he wants. 

The rest would likely elicit a response or hope for an elicited response. Which is us just going in circles. 

Plus the neutral response gives him notice that I'm "available" even if not geographically close.

And I've already apologized. And already acknowledged his hurt feelings. 

I'm looking forward to see what Counselor Mark says.

Have I said enough how glad I am to have this male presence in my life. Is this what it's like to have a present father? Wow!

Not sure how much counseling I'm going to sign up for next year, but I think I was initially shooting for monthly. But he'll be good to have while I navigate Seattle next summer. Maybe I can just re-up with both Katie and Mark for those five months...maybe every other week with each so that I meet with someone weekly. 

And if I haven't said it, I'm glad I'm in NC and enjoying the sunshine. No one else from Seattle has reached out to me, so it's easy to let them fade into the background.

I think next year I will just make it a clean end and leave at end of October. So for now, I'm sitting at the 5 months (Jun to Oct). Still Greenlake. And still just for self-love and having fun. I do want to be loved and taken care of, but I can't make an unachievable objective.

If I could say what I wanted to Sean it would be:

I want to be loved and taken care of. If you think that's something you potentially want to do, then I don't want to disappear from your life. If you don't think that's something you want to do, then you are right, we should cut things off. 

2022 YTD and Projected Income (and Expenses)

 I'm feeling very sad and a little melancholy. It's my aunt's birthday and my brain records her as the person who loved me the most (and I didn't even know it).

I'm sad because I have no love prospects and that was kind of the last thing I wanted out of this life.

I have a therapy appointment in 2 hours. Good on me, for getting this time on this day.

Anyway, last night a committee member told me that a colleague gets a dollar for dollar match on their 401k plan up to the IRS max!

That's amazing. That's essentially about $20k added to their total compensation.

Trying to stay grateful for my pretty nice salary, I decided to document my YTD income thus far.

My last paycheck shows my YTD Gross pay as: $142k

Can you believe that! That is the most I've grossed so far in life.

If I project for the final 2 months of the year, my gross pay for 2022 could potentially be: ~$165k

Now if I take 6% of that for the 401k match: $9883.

In total, my total compensation (gross base salary + bonus + 401k match) for 2022 is potentially: ~$175k.

Um, that's pretty baller!

It's good to take a look back.

Especially when all I have going through my account is ~$1500/ pay period. It feels scrimpy.

2022 Total Compensation: ~$175,000

Just wanted to highlight that. So yes, MERJ, wipe your tears with your plenty, plenty money. That's so much money!

To that we will add Free Bank Bonus Money/ Cashback: $1867/ yr

And Capital Gains (YTD): $6891/yr

Which brings total income to: $183k

Yes folks: ~$183,000 in total income for the year!

Look at that, I'm starting to feel better already.

Of that, how much of that was Net Pay. Money I actually saw pass through my bank accounts:

Payroll (YTD): $60k (approx $7k pending for remainder of year)

Bank Bonus/Cashback: $1867

Total (YTD): about $62k

And how much of that, have I spent...

Expenses (YTD): ~$36,500 (known pending for rest of year ~$6000)

The rest is presumably in a CD or in a bank account.

So I'm anticipating about $7k in payroll income and about $6k in expenses for the rest of the year. So that matches. No big deposits to taxable brokerage this year, it seems.

I am still contributing after tax to 401k so that meets any background savings goal. Set it and forget it, my friend.

Savings (YTD): 

$25k in Savings Bonds and FIRE CDs

$41k in 401k Plan

(pending for rest of year: $8k in 401k) 

Total (YTD): $66k/ yr (including pending amount ~$74k)

So let's sum it up with some very big estimates

2022 Estimated Gross Income: ~$183k/yr

2022 Estimated Net Income: ~$69k/yr

2022 Estimated Expenses: ~ $43k/yr

2022 Estimated Savings: ~$74k/yr (including $49k in 401k)

Well that took 30 minutes. Good enough.

I copied some text messages to share with my counselor today. Is that what's making me nervous?

Tues, Nov 8, 2022, Today is Aunty MERJ's birthday

 Dear Diary,

I went to indoor pickleball yesterday. I was beginning to like it then I saw how good some of these people were and I felt less motivated to play.

I haven't been eating well- mostly chips and candy.

I messaged Dan yesterday and luckily he responded. Decided to send the password off to a friend to prevent my messaging him again until 2023. 

I always think I can handle the fallout of sending a rogue message to a boy I'm interested in. Unequivocally, I never am.

I am surprisingly okay with not being in Seattle right now. When I took a look at the temps yesterday, the low was in the freezing temps.

Sean has turned out to be a bad guy. He reminds me of Jamie of last year. Where I keep thinking if I say the right words, it will soothe their hurt feelings and they'll realize I'm the one in their corner forever. He sent me a pretty nasty message. I'm trying not to respond until I at least talk to my female counselor today. And I hope to be able to wait until I talk to my male counselor tomorrow.

I thought sharing more of my timeline would help calm his nerves but it just made things worse. The fantasy fight in my mind was going to be more romantic but now it just feels bad. 

It's been a week since I've been back and I think I'm just kind of over Seattle at this point.

I have this week of low work and part of next week, then I have to really get busy. 

Oh well, the more the year winds down and I feel empty handed in the love department, the more despondent I feel myself getting. Oh well.

A lot of Christmas movies keep popping up in my feeds, so I'll need to make a plan to try to watch at least 1. Maybe it'll be my after 9p show. Falling asleep around 11p gives me a better chance of sleeping through the night. 

Debating whether to go to breakfast with the old ladies today. It is something my aunt would enjoy and today is her day. So maybe I will just for the fun of it. 

Mon, Nov 7, 2022, Just another F-Boy

 FTG! 

Oh well, so I tried my prayer again. Sean (nor Dan) did not message me yesterday. And I got a message from Amy. So, if God is listening, that means things won't work out with Sean if I go to Seattle for Nov/Dec.

It sucks and part of me wants to go anyway. What does God know anyway! Is he even listening.

Would I really even move to Seattle if I had all the money in the world?

I think I would go crazy with nothing to do waiting on a boy though. I can barely stand it now. I almost can't win the lottery.

I would be just as unhappy with my circumstance because my problem right now isn't money based.

It took about a week, but I'm finally getting re-acclimated to life back in NC. I've gorged on all things sugary and salty and am on the verge of sick. Oh well. 

I'm actually not opposed to going to Thanksgiving with my family in Maryland.

The only thing I wish now that I have future information is that I'd stayed an extra two weeks in Seattle. I could have bowled, gone to trivia, and walked with Eve. I would've had more time with Sean.

But there's also the possibility we would've gone all the way because my resistance was weakening. Then that would've sucked if he still would've dropped me. 

I finally had the wherewithal to look at tickets via miles, and I would've been able to manage it and get my leftover return ticket refunded.

I could've had 1 week free and paid for an extra week. Sean would've been gone next week so it would make sense to make an exit then.

I wish there were a way I could find some quiet time and sit with my thoughts. Make a game plan. Solve my problems. But I just can't seem to find a way.

Frankly, I'm also tired of solving problems.

What if I won the Powerball tonight? 

2 billion dollars would be such a fun amount of money to have. I'm curious if it would make me want to live longer. Honestly, I doubt it.

I'd be okay with $2 million. That's the lowest I'll settle for. #breadcrumblife But I think that's only because right now, I'm still fantasizing about a love-life in Seattle.

I tried to write out what my life would look like with a husband (yep, rounded up to a husband), and I think what I got out of it was that I want a husband. I'll settle for a partner, but I want a husband. If not partner, then a long-term relationship. If not a long-term relationship, then a fling.

The book says essentially, accept or reject the offer. 

Sun, Nov 6, 2022, The Enemy won

 I went to a 9a service this morning. Namely, to reach my quota of doing 3 things out of the house. I left at 10a to get biscuits from McDs before breakfast service ended.

I like contemporary Christian songs. The part of the sermon I did catch was about Praise. Basically, it went something like when you let The Enemy win he steals your joy (check!), then your thanksgiving (check!), and then your prayer. (check!!)

We should be praising God before, during, and after the miracles/answered prayers.

Should we though?

I do wonder if I did enough praising. Isn't that kind of how Christianity gets you. One can never prove if your praise was enough.

But clearly mine wasn't. 

So Sean and Dan didn't work out.

I saw a lady at church in front of me with this great light flowy dress. That's what I want to get for Seattle next year.

I decided to just keep planning My Perfect Year. Whether I live for 1 day after or 1 decade, I just want to plan 1 Perfect Year. 

I don't know how much longer I can keep my job so my focus there is just to make it to Bonus Day 2023. That, I hope will give me enough money to fund my Seattle Summer.

Right now, based on my current data, I want to go around Memorial Day. Ideally, I'd like to ring in summer in Seattle. And stay until end of October. Maybe leave around Nov 8- Aunty MERJ's birthday. But end of October works too. 

I'll still message Sean and Dan because I've never been able to shed my turn over every rock part of my personality.

But I'll implement all my tips and notes.

I just want to have fun, get away for the summer, and get out of the house.

I'm still deciding if I should start shopping for cute clothes now or wait till next year. I don't know if it's worthwhile to go through some of my old clothes for anything I can wear. I kind of don't want to. There is a red jacket I remember eyeing. I know there was a blue dress I used for interviews that might need to be resurrected. 

I think I'll invest in another suitcase so I can carry more shoe options.

I might get another bin so I can store my beautiful 10 new outfits. I just remembered I can use old Catalyze points at Old Navy. That will be fun!

For the next 2 months, I'll just focus on the old lady meetup groups, church, and there are a couple volunteer events and an event at the Botanical Garden. 

Only 8 weeks left in this year. 

So God is listening?

 I jumped the gun of course. I prayed for Sean (or Dan) to text me today. And for safe measure, I asked for someone (friend or foe) to contact me.

My Maryland Aunty just called me!

So God is listening. But I didn't wait for Sean to text me.

I messaged him. I used verbiage from the book and it did elicit a response like the book said. But he minimized what we had- which granted wasn't much. 

But I guess I got my answer.

He stopped responding and I deleted his number, the beautiful conversations, and all the saved text-to-email messages.

I'm staying in NC. Decision made.

I wonder why God didn't answer any of my other prayers. 

I feel free (as I always do initially), in a couple days I'll be sad to have burned that bridge. 

Next year, I'll be sad to have burned that bridge. This is what I had set up for My Perfect Year but Anxious Brain always wins.

I'm just tired of waiting to be happy, you know. 

Sat, Nov 5, 2022, I love to daydream

 Currently, I'm day dreaming about going to Seattle on Tuesday. It's cold and wintery and grey and dark. But when I reread a portion of The Book, it was saying you need to be available and joyously receptive. I'm not available to Sean halfway across the country. Well, all the way across the country.

He did say come back sooner than later. But I don't know if going there is me chasing him or not. I don't know if it's going to make the situation better or worse.

I'm planning next year with no contingency plans, but what about the next 2 months. 

I ended up going to Happy Hour yesterday with the old ladies and there was an Old Navy nearby. I found some cute outfits for a NC winter, but I worry it won't be warm enough for a Seattle winter. It's still in the high 70s here.

I think what gets me is that yes, this is a nice reprieve and if it weren't for Sean I wouldn't even be contemplating returning to cold, grey, Seattle. That and the fact when I actually look at my project schedule, there's only about 2 weeks worth of work for the rest of the year. So that's a lot of downtime. No complaints, just would rather be with my white boyfriend (she laughs). 

This would be easier if we were still in communication, but he dropped me like a hot potato. 

So in the fairy tale, I go back and rekindle but as I re-read his messages, it just seems like it's harder to do than I thought. 

The risk is too great and I'd be stuck in Seattle - cold and alone.

I'm alone here but at least I'm warm.

I tried to pray - God, if things will work out between Sean and me if I go to Seattle on Tuesday, please let him text me today (Saturday).

And for safe measure - God, if you can hear my prayer, let me receive a message (text, call, email) from any friend today. 

I always believe God will answer my prayer, so I immediately checked my email. Nothing! 

The alternative is just staying around here the rest of the year and planning next year. The outfits at Old Navy were really cute but I don't trust myself enough to buy new clothes for next spring/fall. 

They would be good Seattle spring/fall outfits though. But we shall see because I don't technically have anywhere to store them.

In the winter fantasy, I'd shoot for 10 outfits and a budget of $500. I want to get my hair redone. Maybe even nails? Nah, no nails for winter. I'm not an animal. Maybe some lashes and some gold makeup. 

Fri, Nov 4, 2022, Radical acceptance?

 Dear Diary,

Yesterday was not a good night. I think I went to bed too early because around 4a I was alone with my thoughts again. 

Counselor Katie has been talking about radical acceptance.

(Before I get into that, some accomplishments, I've closed all but one credit card and checking account. This is huge because I had to make several phone calls which I hate doing. But luckily, I had a boring meeting so it made it feel like a better use of my time. I even called Citi for a second time because I just wanted to eliminate the possibility of taking another trip this year or anytime soon.)

Do I radically accept that I'm not getting the fairy tale? Or accept that I won't be the standard of beauty? No one desirable is going to flock to me and trip over themselves to ask me out. Do I accept Death House or violently oppose? 

I'm just not sure. I am happy I used the book verbiage to elicit a response from Sean, but I was rereading what masculine men want and the first 2 things are joyous receptivity (which I'm good at) and AVAILABILITY (for play and sex)- which categorically my not being in Seattle has gotten in my way.

There is a part of me that doesn't want to throw in the towel on Seattle until I've done the things the book says - like being there.

But there's a part of me that looks at the last 38 years where I went to college 3x over and was there - fun and happy and cute and YOUNG! There was the time in my 20s when I got the lashes and makeup and tight clothes. I guess it kind of worked...but not for anyone particularly desirable. I was just as passed over.

I'd just hate to invest so much time, energy, and resources to come up empty and not have a plan of how to feel afterward. And by plan, I mean something high stakes like end of life. I feel in this moment I can only throw everything at next year if the only possible outcome is Love or Death. 

Otherwise I can only wade and go for the summer for me. I'm not willing to bet my life on romance right now. 

How much is my life worth anyway?

The book says to be self-centered and love myself first. But it also says to look good, etc..

I'm just thinking about my beauty plan for next year. Do I want to get extensions or braids? Lashes or just strip lashes or just mascara? New make-up? New clothes? 

I also toyed with the idea of my bonus amount determining how long I can stay in Seattle. Either use only that OR use that plus whatever is left after I auto-save $36k for 2023. 

At the end of the day, money isn't the biggest issue -it's the weather, it's waking up, a job I don't really know how to do..

Should I set a goal of just eating what's in the freezer for the rest of the year? 

November 3 Accomplishments

 I'm so proud of myself.

I closed 2 credit card accounts.

I even closed 1 yesterday and had to call a business! 

I tried to close my AA card today, but they offered me 7500 bonus miles if I spent $1k in 3 months. I couldn't decide on the spot if it was a good deal or not.

I'm just tired of thinking about next year. I know it's supposed to be My Perfect Year, but it's hard to plan the last year of your life during the holidays!!

I just wanted to get these credit cards out of the way so I could eliminate the option of traveling to Seattle anytime soon.

I want a break from making decisions and strategizing. 

I'm tired of thinking about dating, money, life, work, optimizing.

I just want to relax and give my brain a rest. 

I essentially have 2 weeks off then work for a month, then 2 weeks off, then it'll be 2023 and work some more. 

I think I am going to end up just doing some money errands and buttoning up finances and cards maybe during that 2 week period in December. 

I'm just ready to close this chapter in my life and look toward the new year. 

Thurs, Nov 3, 2022, I still love the holidays

 Dear Diary,

Sean officially ended things with me yesterday. He said he'd "prefer" to cut things off but to let him know if I'm in Seattle again. I drafted a few text messages last night and even this morning. Trying to play it off, make it seem like not a big deal. Part of me wanted to work the book and just re-book for another 2 months in Seattle. It would be about $4500 for 2 months plus food and airfare. 

It would be a fun experiment. I would probably go to Hawaii with Eve. I could hang out with Michelle and them. I could go to the other Murder Mystery party.

I could date Dan again. 

I wouldn't be in Green Lake though. The cheapest places that made sense were in Downtown/SLU. 

I stopped taking those St. John's Wort supplements. It was mostly a placebo effect anyway.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is in just a few weeks! It's hard to be sad when the holidays are around the corner!

I've been plotting my trip next summer. I think I'll have to get back on the dating apps. Dan and Sean will just be back-up. 

It was nice to wake up just before 9a naturally. The sun is out. No alarm and I slept through the night. No complaints.

I went to pickle ball yesterday and it was fun. I think we were hitting easy balls, so I don't know what an actual game is like at a competitive level but it's definitely less cardio than tennis. 

There's a happy hour with the old ladies on Friday and then I might just go to church for my 3rd event of the week.

I really hate talking to Frenemy about boys. I just don't know why I keep doing it. I'm just used to having different girlfriends. My counselors keep asking me if I have friends, and I keep saying No. I just can't consider Frenemy that much of a friend. Like a fun work colleague I guess. 

Even Eve was a better girlfriend to me and I've only known her 2 months. 

I went ahead and removed my new Seattle number off the phone so I can stop anxiously awaiting someone to text me. I did forward all messages to my email, just in case. But I won't hold my breath. 

Accomplishments:

- Slept through the night

- Woke up without an alarm

- Went to pickleball

- Did a CE yesterday (only 4 to go)

They are using machinery outside my window right now and the noise is grating on my nerves. Today could be a biscuit day but I don't feel like leaving the house.

Wed, Nov 2, 2022, It still hurts

 Dear Diary,

Lamentations of 2022 continue. Sean has stopped responding and that hurts ALOT. I tried to remind myself that first goal was just to have his attention until I left. Goal accomplished.

Of course now that things didn't go my way for Level 2 Goal (his attention for remainder of the year), I'm lamenting. There are 2 things I could have done differently - not mentioned we agreed to be friends, but it's so tempting to want to hurt these people when they hurt me. And maybe delayed telling him I was out of town and played down how long I'd be gone.

Oh well.

At least I know with the book not to chase him. Just let it go, I guess. Grrrr. So it's been 24 hours since we last communicated and it sucks! Since we started talking everyday, this is the longest I've gone without speaking to him. 

Luckily, I have 2 therapy sessions today. I think I will ask Katie to meet on Monday because I know this weekend will be hard.

I've been thinking more about committing to 2 full years in Seattle. But that would be just to date. Which means I would likely have to do 2 more years for the actual relationship. Which sucks!

The book suggests not moving in together without an engagement. I don't know about engagement but I would want at least some sort of commitment - Love? A promise ring?

I've been mulling over factoring my bonus into my budget and counting on it. That's really the only way I'd feel financially comfortable moving to Seattle full time without a relationship. Yeah, that doesn't sit well. It's way too much of an emotional risk to also risk my finances. 

I know I'm okay financially if I stay in NC with my lean FIRE budget, but it's just too much to think about right now.

I feel nervous somehow.

Accomplishments

- Made it back to NC

- Still alive

- Didn't 'go all the way' with Sean to try to woo him with my honeypot

Some money news. I looked at my budget app to get a preliminary look at how much I spent in Seattle this year. The total is about $20k. Twenty thousand dollars!!! Whoa. For about 4 months give or take a few days. I haven't looked yet at how much I spent on food and amusement, etc in detail but at least I have some idea of how much these excursions cost. 

Based just on this preliminary number, I feel like I could make $20k work for a 5 month stay that's better planned. And it didn't hurt as badly to see that number. Sure, that's $20k I could have put in an index fund, but more money just isn't my most salient goal right now. At least not just for the sake of more money.

I want love. No matter what, I always say Love is worth it. I've tried and failed at a couple of endeavors that I thought were my dream. It was easier to let them go than this. I want love. I have so much love to share. There has got to be people out there that just need a good support system. Someone to love them. I have to figure out the profile. But I think it's someone without a good home life. I want to be their home. But the thing is...I am also kind of wanting to find a home with someone else. I want to be with someone who has a large family that they're close to. So this is a bit of a conundrum.

I think out of Dan or Sean, Sean was my better shot to be married in a year. So if he recontacts me, I really have to be on my best behavior. 

Tues, Nov 1, 2022, Back in NC

 I just got home around 11a EST, and it's around 12n. Once I tie up some quick errands, I want to get 2 McDs hamburgers, a soda, some fries and watch some good ole fashioned TV.

My life is simpler here.

I cried a bunch yesterday in the apartment alone. And some tears escaped on the transit. Some are threatening to fall right now.

I don't even know what I'm sad about now.

It's the holidays, so I'm determined to be happy.

I broke the news to Sean that I'm back in NC and didn't renew my lease. I can't tell if he's annoyed but he's stopped responding. Oh, well. I probably could've kept the cat in the bag for awhile, but there was a slight opening when he was like... I'm distracting you from work. 

Still wish I had walked away with a tight community and a boyfriend. 

I guess these things take time.

I was unsure if coming back was the "right choice" since technically my project got cancelled and that was one of the main reasons I was coming back. If my new project is just a copy and paste, it probably would've been manageable from Seattle. I don't know anymore.

I know there wasn't a destiny I missed so that's reassuring. It's harder to pray these days- even my quick thank-you prayer. It's harder to pray and ask for help because I don't want to want anything. It's harder to pray and even be thankful because I'm not. 

It's hard not to slip back into old routines now that I'm back in Death House.

My office view is now a row of townhomes. They look so big this close up. 

I'm grateful my house is still standing. No signs of any rodents. And my car is still here! And I started it without issue! Yay! Oh and also, payroll fixed my tax withholding issue and credited me back some funds!!

It's like I stepped out of a storybook and am back to real life.

I have some money errands I have to do but can't formulate a plan right now. I hope tomorrow is an easy day at work so I can get some personal errands done. 

Maybe life is easier when I can be as forthcoming as possible. I mean, I'm starting my personal history off in 2022, but at least that's something.

I don't feel quite as devastated as I could feel being back. But it's only been an hour.