Today I woke up and I was surprisingly okay. I took the phone in the room with me last night because I knew I would be anxiously awaiting a text from the Texter. No text! That turd did not text me back.
I slept mostly okay, actually.
I woke up around 5a and felt strangely calm. This clarity came to me and I wrote and wrote and wrote in my bedside journal.
I think what has kept me sort of anxious in the dating pool was not really having a plan or blueprint to follow. Everyone sort of just approaches it with different intentions. What's the end goal. That's different for everyone. What's realistic? What's fantasy? If all these blond girls get all the attention then why aren't they all finding love? Maybe they are?
I don't know, but I couldn't read another 'why didn't he' article after something dumb happened with a boy.
But as I lay in my bed in the wee hours of the morning, I thought marriage and relationships are like work. I've always jokingly said, why would I take on another job. I just couldn't see the benefit of relationships in my late 20s and early 30s. I've written about it several times even on this blog.
I think I always knew marriage (the end goal of relationship or the ultimate relationship) as having a purpose, and in modern days that's financial. I respect the gold-digger relationship. It's clear cut what the expectations are. I think what annoys me is the continuous evolution of women while men continue to be cave dwellers.
I think I was just annoyed with all the posted solutions for 'why didn't he...' problems. There just didn't seem to be that many when I searched 'why didn't she..' So it seems the dynamic is still weighted in the men's favor.
Fine.
I can't change that.
I was feeling so limited by all the things I can't change. Sometimes it does just make me hibernate on my couch and lock out the world. But sometimes it doesn't.
There may be thousands of articles on what women need to do to "keep a man," but at the end of the day, they're the ones still chasing us. Men need women more than women need men. They've made us this way. They've proven unreliable, untrustworthy, and unpredictable. So we've adapted to live lives without them.
That's the premise.
The relationship is optional. It always has been from my perspective.
But for whatever reason, Mean Brain was trying to convince me that this is the thing I needed to have in order to have purpose and direction for my next x-y years, post-FI.
I really don't know how I got sucked into that.
I think with FI looming, I felt I had to make all these decisions immediately...or else.
Anyway, there's way too much rambling to come to continue on how I got here. Lately, it seems like every PF blog I read seems to be talking about sunk cost fallacy...but as it pertains to different types of relationships. And basically, the message is GET OUT!
One blogger (Millennial Mayday) I was reading just blurted out that she doesn't like hanging out. I was like, yes! me too. It's something I'm actually proud of and don't really hide that much. I remember very clearly that day in professional school where I left a dinner and announced I had to head home to watch a Lifetime movie. No one really batted an eye. This was a social group not necessarily life-long friends with close bonds.
I digress. The point is, this morning I started to reframe relationships in terms of FI or FIRE.
If a (romantic) relationship is work (i.e. a job), then what does it look like when you FI. At least for me.
What's my safety net?
What's my objective?
What's my work-life balance?
There are at least 5 pages of notes in my journal that I hesitate to re-copy here.
I'm still in the beginning of stages of reframing romantic relationships like this, but here's a smattering of what I got so far.
I think I realized what I'm looking for in my next "job" (i.e. relationship) is attention and affection.
I think when I realized the Texter just wasn't providing me that, it was kind of like okay. *shrug emoji*
I mean it hurt my feelings that he didn't think I was desirable, but I don't think it needs to be this life ending rejection. It doesn't need to be anything more than your favorite ice-cream parlor is out of your favorite ice-cream flavor today. *shrug emoji*. Yes, you traveled all this way. But okay.
So it's a little bit of cutting your losses instead of getting sucked into sunk cost fallacy.
Now mind you, I still have to do guardrails like delete my Voice number so I'm not tempted to fall into bad habits like texting him or calling him out. Or feeling daily rejection when he continues not to text me. But still, I'm not spending a 2nd or 3rd day feeling mopey and questioning ALL my life choices. For me THAT's HUGE progress!
But yeah, I was putting a lot of effort in and I wasn't getting any attention. That sucks.
I don't know what the PG-version of FU Money is, but that's kind of the approach I'm taking to this next "job."
I don't need it.
The next question I asked myself is what's my safety net when job=relationship.
For a regular job, my safety net is 6-12 months of money to meet basic expenses should the job end unexpectedly or decidedly. (What's unsaid here is the primary purpose of a job for me is a source of income.)
I'm still deciding on what this looks like when job=relationship. But I think for me, my safety net is my relationship with myself. So I have to make sure I'm okay. And part of that is making sure I'm good with my finances. I'm in a place where 6-12 months from now, I'll be okay. I have goodish health. I'm mentally okay (i.e. work in progress). I can engage in some sort of community activity, if I needed to. This used to be family support (and at one point female friendships), but with wish-washy people, I decided familial or friendships are an unreliable safety net. So for me, it'll be my relationship with myself (and God). So that's mild motivation to not be dumb with money or my health and safety. I need to be okay 6-12 months from now if this relationship-job ends.
This actually solidifies for me, that I'm probably not moving for love. Nor am I selling my house unless the neighborhood seriously deteriorates.
So my safety net is my ...independence?
Check! Or at least in progress.
In my mind, relationships historically served a few purposes:
- Companionship (think Eve for Adam)
- Duty (populating the earth / legacy)
- Financial Security (women needed men for status and position; and had kids to help economically and because there wasn't birth control; feudalistic stuff)
FIRE gave me financial security and the earth is well-populated. So, I think for me, I'm looking for a relationship for Companionship. And that looks like attention and affection for me.
So when a partner or potential partner doesn't meet that, since I'm "FI", I can say FU and move on.
As far as the dating ritual, there are parts of the corporate world I want to take with me. At the end of the day, this is the culture I was raised in so it's framed my world view. I'm not that interested in dismantling it at this point (#almost40).
- I like the idea of a screening process. On the dating apps, 2 phone calls and a video chat seems to work well. It's only happened once, but I like it. It was natural and it made sense. (That eliminates the pressure of meeting up with people right away and fast flames that flame out)
- With the screening process, I have to concede that both parties have to be on their best behavior so I still need to be polite and upbeat and positive. As one blogger wrote, don't let all your crazy out.
- Referrals. Almost all my jobs I got through a referral or else I matched the job description perfectly. So, ideally I wish I had a network of people that would refer potential new mates to me, but that may be far and few between.
- I like the probation period of about 90 days. Most companies I have worked for don't actually do this, but I think some sort of probationary period where you feel each other out and maybe allow some grace before committing/becoming exclusive or taking things to the next level. For me the next level is intimacy - physical, emotional, personal. So sharing surface level stuff is okay, and being playful and just enjoying dating. If that goes well, then go for the deeper stuff. But no pressure to share the really important good stuff or really important heavy stuff. No exes or trauma or funerals.
--- And actually, now that I think about it, while in my professional career, I haven't had a probation period, a lot of big companies do use a lot of contract workers. Which to me is just like a long probationary period. So in my analogy, maybe that's what the dating app provides. It's like a contract agency until I can find a personal referral? I don't know...
- No startups. I've never wanted to work for a startup. I like established things. I like rules, structure, clearly defined roles. I'm not interested in helping someone restart their life. So no one that just got out of a bad situation. No one that's just starting a business. And if I'm honest, no one that's just starting dating (like me). I realized the things I seek in jobs are well established businesses and departments. I don't mind being a cog in a wheel. I like health insurance, and regular paychecks, and paid time off. I'm perfectly fine working for the man and complaining with co-workers.
- I'm not that entrepreneurial. I'm okay in a supporting role. I've never wanted to start a business ever. Yes, I get a little jealous when I hear people that cashed out on Game Stop or even crypto or real-estate of their genius business-solve. But I'm pretty risk-averse. I like reliable things. I like rules, I like structure. For example one of my recent matches, I liked his life and I could see myself fitting in it and helping him but in a complementary way, not an essential-worker way.
--- The caveat with this and no-startups is that makes me a little more interchangeable and dispensable. And actually in this approach to dating, I think that comes with the territory. All relationships like most modern jobs are at-will. I'm not joining any unions or signing any labor contracts. So I guess that takes cults and marriage off the table. I've already paid my dues. I don't need the pension that comes with a 30-year commitment. Being FI affords me that option.
- Each party can leave the relationship when it no longer serves them. So this means sometimes I might be laid off. Sometimes I might be fired for bad-behavior (luckily this hasn't happened to me). But layoffs are possible. Financial fluctuations are possible. Pandemics and workload changes happen. You might get a bad boss or bad actors or bad co-workers. Your boss may have other things going on and may switch who they are on you. A new co-worker might come and steal the spotlight. Your relationship with the job, co-workers, managers might change. I have to be open to that. In this analogy, I think I'm looking at the guy as the hiring manager, but I think they are the hiring manager, recruiter, and co-worker. And the relationship is the work and the workplace. Sometimes you can pivot successfully, sometimes not, sometimes you don't want to. And neither do they.
- No Problematic men. The other thing I think I like about jobs is when I can problem solve and come up with creative solutions. I don't care to be the 'big boss,' but what I do miss about my old job is that I was really good at it and I liked solving problems, being efficient, and coming up with new or better ways to do things. I think that's why I've been attracted to problematic men in the past. I confused my desire to solve problems with attraction. So I need to be a little aware of my personal pitfall. I don't mind helping someone make their life a little bit better, but I'm not looking for a project-man. I'm not interested in making anyone better for the next person. I don't think I need to make anyone complete either.
It feels like what I'm describing is a transactional relationship. I guess that's what is at its core. But I honestly think that's most things. I just don't know the new marketable term yet. Just like how we rebranded selfishness as self-care and pettiness as accountability and boundaries. From what I've seen, the modern relationship is transactional, except people aren't talking about it like that and not everyone is sure where they are in the transaction.
That's the gist of the brain dump for now. I'm still refining what this looks like for my life, but that's the basics. I have to use a lot of FI principles in my approach to dating relationships. The key takeaway is that it's optional. I have to figure out what work-life balance looks like when the relationship is the job. What's my "dream job" situation. What does FI look like? What does early retirement look like when the relationship is the job?
I think the default for me is a 20-year horizon. I've always believed I can do anything for about 10 years. So I know I'll have at least 2 partners. So that takes the pressure off finding a "forever person." The paradigm of working for 30 years with the same company (partner) is antiquated and anachronistic as a FIRE follower.
So I don't know what happens next. I need to refine my safety net for the relationship-job. I need to be more comfortable and accepting of the relationship with myself. I value that so much. I have to let go of Disney fantasy love just like I had to let go of a dream life and a "dream job." I have to let go of "forever." I have to be more comfortable that the relationship-job is an at-will agreement on both parts. Nothing is guaranteed. Circumstances change. It's just one means to an end. My corporate job provides an income to meet my basic needs. That's what I need it for at its core. Being able to learn new things are its perks. Within the space of a corporate job there are perks like health insurance, cool co-workers, good work hours, etc.
So my relationship-job is a means to provide attention and affection. And maybe the perks will be long-term commitment, cool friends and new experiences.
I think most importantly, for now the relationship-job is more of a side hustle. It should be fun and supplement my relationship-job with myself. I think in the past there was the possibility (and maybe hope) that the relationship-job side hustle would be so lucrative in benefits that it would replace the relationship-job with myself and become my full-time job. But that just isn't my goal.
For me, it's always going to be a side hustle. Like my co-worker who resells shoes as a fun side hustle. Or the millionaire who re-sells shoes as a fun side hustle. There's some hustle in it, but it's still fun!
There are no plans or intentions or hope to term my relationship-side-hustle into my full-time job!
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