On Dating, Usury, and a Health Scare

 This is indeed how your story ends, my dear.

This morning I woke up, yes at 5a to check my phone. Keeping it downstairs is the weakest deterrent of them all. Surprise, surprise. No text from boy. Ha. 

Trust your instincts, MERJ. His "I'm not that into you" vibes are pretty subtle but ever present. Meh. It has affected my mood just a bit, admittedly.

Also the weather and I mean I don't like working. So today is going to be a Honeycomb and TV day. I've already plotted how this relationship ends. Yep, Wishful Brain has rounded our texting into a casual dating relationship that lasted 2 months. Take that, Revisionist History!

So he'll probably text Thurs or Friday, if at all. I'll send a lazy text Monday. And likely that will be the end of that.

I think he scared himself with our brief texting on Sunday. He seemed to think I was asking him to be exclusive. There was promise of more pictures and a phone call. Nada. Ha.

I can't help but remember my teenage self. Very early on I realized the gamification required for dating and thought the whole thing silly. I guess it's like church and talks with your gyno - you just needed to be reminded of the risks!!

So this is my decades reminder that I'm not missing anything as a single person. Women drive these relationships 100% of the time, but somehow convince men that men do. I even saw it unfolding in front of me in the Family Chantel. The younger brother had "decided" he wanted to get serious with a girl and she was like uh, no. And he seemed shocked that just because he "chose" her, she didn't automatically choose him. 

Women, you're so good at this game! Unfortunately, it's one I just couldn't master - much like swimming, interviewing, and corporate jobbing. 

That's my dating update. Still smart, cute, fun, and funny!

As for work. I just haven't quite gotten into the groove of things. I'm a bit petrified to be honest.

Usury

My relative has been acting weird. I realized in the last 2-3 years she has been trying really hard to be interesting. Taking a lot of trips, actively trying to hang out with people she normally doesn't, and just overall distinctively more social. 

And it's because as the internet said, you have to appear interesting to your future mate! I remember doing something similar at 27 when I was actively trying to date. I went out 3-4 times a week and tried to be as socially active as possible. Then one day I left a dinner out to watch a Lifetime movie and never really got back into it. 

Are any guys doing this? Nope! They might work out a bit after Divorce #1 and then just sit around and wait for a girl to notice them. The ones who are struggling with single hood are the ones who don't know the secret - the girl calls the shot and dictates the relationship. Because they don't know the secret, they write these girls off as crazy or controlling or coercing them into a commitment. Oh you stupid, stupid man. That's literally the game. 

Anyway, I've been a little petty because I think my relative is trying to connect with me. Although I said I would say Yes to more social things, I'm a bit avoidant. You got the guy; you're married; you have the baby; and the bigger house. Wasn't it worth sacrificing your friendships? Aren't you immensely happy?!

It's not just her, but all my girlfriends. 

And you have inserted yourself into my old life and a few of my failed friendships. Go forth and prosper!

The whole thing is weird. Plus, if we're speaking freely, I don't really put a high priority on being friends with new moms. 

Pop psychology might think I'm jealous. But what am I jealous of? 

So yes, this is it. I got a little refresher over the Christmas break how I ended up here - single and alone. People have different priorities. And though they ebb and flow. I function best in relationships (platonic or otherwise) where consistency exists. I choose relationships where I am always a priority. Unfortunately, that's none of the ones on earth.

So today, I'll eat my HoneyComb, wait for a slow-fade text and wonder what in the supply chain is causing a Corn Pops shortage!

I long no more for dates or mates that don't put me first.  My relationship with myself is the priority. 

I had a Health Scare yesterday. First a golden cookie to me not only for searching for a doctor; finding a doctor; making an appointment; asking for what I want; but going to the appointment!

But yes, there was a cyst in my breast. They sent me for a mammogram. It's not a new thing for me since I started doing self-breast exams in my 20s (and have since stopped). Usually the cyst disappears by the end of my cycle. Without a cycle (due to hysterectomy), I just stopped checking. 

But my new doctor sent me before I had time to explain all of this.

Then apparently swollen lymph nodes are happening to some people after the COVID vaccine. So after 3 hours at the imaging center, they sat me down for a consult and recommended a needle biopsy to definitely know what the mass was. I was like meh. I don't know, I'm not that concerned. My body does weird things when foreign things like medicine are introduced to it.

If I were in my 60s, I might be more concerned. As uninformed as it sounds, my family members typically don't die from cancers. It's more diabetes and other lifestyle-related diseases. 

I felt a little bit of pressure when the new doctor called me shortly after to talk about it. And I was almost convinced yesterday to make the appointment. But I woke up this morning like meh.

I'm a scientist too. I don't like not having definitive answers, but for this one, they'll have to be okay with me being okay not knowing. 

The point is as much as the idea of saying I wish I had someone to share that day with - like a date or a mate- sounds good. It just wasn't true. Nothing was different because no one was with me at the appointment or I had no one to call afterward. I didn't even think about it. I'm more well-adjusted than I thought. Win! 

I eventually talked to my work colleague but it wasn't that satisfying or gratifying. I think I just wanted to test my hypothesis that having someone to talk to about it didn't make a difference. It didn't.