Tuesday Morning blues? I don't know what it is but I'm in a mood. I even bought 2 breakfast sandwiches and "splurged" on orange juice.
So many thoughts!
In no particular order, here's what ruminating:
- I don't like Lean FIRE. It makes me feel poor. I feel scared that whatever money I have isn't going to be enough. I don't know what's causing this. I think I took it too far with the aggressive savings last year. It didn't feel like I was depriving myself of anything but maybe it was too much. Maybe it was a boiled frog scenario. Maybe that's why the 100% 401k frontload didn't work. It'll be nice to have $2500/mon to spend each month vs just bare bones. Maybe that's why I wanted to stop the aggressive savings at the end of 2021. Maybe that's why when I didn't stop at 2021 I was looking for ways to get out of extending aggressive savings for 3 or 4 more months. So it's good I'm only going to be frontloading for 2 months. I think psychologically having that influx of cash will be good.
- Do I have a spending problem? Something about credit cards just makes me start idealizing this grand life. Just this weekend I was plotting putting the washer/dryer and couch on credit because it's 0% and then just paying it off throughout the year. This is me who was like eh, I can do one more year at the laundromat. Is it me wanting to be so lavish? Or is it just the thought of making such big purchases? It seems so final when it comes out of your debit card. I don't know why psychologically making smaller payments seems like less of a big deal? Maybe that's the psychology behind credit card spending - just a small slow leak of your finances? But I definitely found it easier to splurge and dream about spending when the costs were being charged to the 3 credit cards I have open to churn bonuses. As I always say, I'm the ideal consumer - all the marketing works on me!
- Today is my first day back at work and it feels weird. I feel mildly anxious? I don't even know. I called both doctor's places today to arrange some appointments and couldn't get anyone on the phone. This is why I liked dealing with a medical center - they're better staffed. But in my less-resourced neighborhood after searching this is the best I could find.
I'm just getting tired. But I don't know of what?
- Name change thoughts. I think for whatever reason getting close to my FIRE goal is making things seem more imminent. Like any big change, I have to do it now because I might not have the money to do it later. That's frightening and adding a lot of pressure. Like...I have to figure out my life RIGHT NOW! for the next umpteen years. Scary.
- Spending more. To try to recalibrate this weird spending I did last year that didn't seem bad but apparently is having a weird effect, I was thinking, once I reach FIRE, what if I tried to spend what I make. Since I don't need to aggressively or really save anymore at all...for as long as I can get up and go to work, I should just do my 6% match and spend the rest. I mostly want to beautify my house. But then part of me wants to leave the house altogether. That's part of my hesitation. I think approaching FIRE is just putting this undue pressure to "lock-in" my life. I was supposed to feel free but I feel stuck and trapped. Like I can never change my mind ever again!
One of the bloggers I follow was offended that her FIRE goal of $500k was called 'lean' and deemed 'sacrificial.' She was staunchly of the belief that she's sacrificed nothing and this is the life she wants.
I 100% disagree. I hate being poor. I feel poor living off $20k a year. There's nothing fun to me about travel hacking or not being able to live somewhere nicer or having to say No to myself. Maybe for her it's not a sacrifice and I like to pretend I was already doing this anyway. But I was already doing this because I didn't want to run out of money. I was already doing this because I knew I didn't feel secure in my job - not because I thought they might let me go (which they of course could), but everyday was a struggle and I didn't know when I would just one day not go back.
What worried me the most was that was the easiest job I thought I could get and I still daydreamed about not going back. So I felt stuck. Whether consciously or unconsciously I knew I had to make whatever money I made work for me. I remember just being so panicked about spending money because I never knew what day would be my last day.
Even though numerically, I would be okay now for a little while, it still doesn't feel as freeing as I thought. Why is that?
Because in order to feel financially safe, I'm living in a place that doesn't make me feel physically safe. That can't be good. I'm alone. I have no roots here, but I can't afford to really live anywhere else. I don't necessarily want to live closer to my extended family but even if I did, I don't think I could afford it. So who knows if one is a condition or the conclusion of the other.
And I read a Redditor's thoughts in the leanfire subreddit I just discovered, and she was living a life that echoed my fears. She had leanFired and moved to a different country and felt poor. That's how I think I would feel so it validated what I hadn't yet vocalized. Frugality is super fun when it's a choice. Even my "fun" aggressive savings plan had a negative effect on me and that was less than a year.
The name change thing came about because if I'm going to move forward with the name change, I need to start doing it now so I can cover all the new expenses.
I don't have any more parents I can fall back on if this FIRE dream fails. As much as I hate this house, I can't leave. I can't afford to. This feels like the opposite of FIRE. I was supposed to feel free, I thought. I don't.
The thought of moving somewhere nicer, just locks me into more hours in the workplace which doesn't feel like a better deal.
So what do I do?
I'm way too close to FIRE to give up now. I might be able to squeeze out 2 or 3 more years of work but definitely not whatever it might take to buy or live somewhere nicer. I just can't.
I'm done with saving. And luckily I don't even need to wait much longer. God willing, even on Jan 15, my paycheck will be higher. Last time around (just last 3 checks), after all the auto-savings were taken out, I brought home $325/pp. And really before that, it was about $600/pp with my COVID budget. This time around, even with the 50% contribution to 401k, I should be getting closer to $1700/pp.
And at least for the next 2 months, I have no plans to save any of it!
Daydreams of things to buy:
- new floors
- a new sink
- some furniture
- like really nice furniture that I don't have to bargain shop for; like 1- click , I like it furniture
- I'd love to just see a room online and buy all the pieces without thinking twice
Locking in a new plan
- Another idea I thought of was working for 2 more years (so 2022, 2023), and just buying whatever I want that fits within my paycheck. Saving only 6% to get the match. Or maybe even as much as maxing out for tax benefits but just spending more so that when it is time to FIRE, I won't feel like I didn't enjoy my money. That might be a good compromise.
I had a thought about generations. I heard once that a generation was 30 years. So what if our first 30 years are for our parents to enjoy us. The next 30 years are for us to enjoy our kids. And the last 30 are to enjoy our grandkids.
But if you don't have kids, maybe it's okay to just stop at the 2nd 30. And maybe for some of us a generation is just 20 years.
So I was thinking. Maybe work (if I still can), until around age 40, and just plan to enjoy the fruits of my labor (not loins) for the remaining part of the second generation...so until age 60. Maybe that will be my new Death Date. And maybe I'll die of natural causes. 60 is young but not so young that people will think I died unexpectedly.
I think 2 decades is another nice round number. And even if I only have the $500k I FI'ed with... I would be more prepared to make it work.
And let's be honest, I'll be 38 in 2 months, so forty isn't quite as far out as I thought.
Some things I could try to do in the next 2 years:
- Upgrade my life?
- Fall in love
- Enjoy making 6 figures. If I make it to this year's performance bonus, it'll only be the first time getting the full bonus since joining the company.
I can still quit anytime, but feeling like I had to was making me antsy. I guess I'm not ready. And I could be ready in the next minute, but in this moment I'm not. Sometimes just psychologically freeing yourself from feeling stuck can change your perspective about a situation.
So while I very much May retire when I reach $500k, I now have given myself the flexibility to not do that. I am not one for open ended journeys. So the marker has been pushed out for maybe 2 years. Maybe. Nothing is locked in.
Maybe this is the freedom. I'm going to keep working if work conditions say as comfortable as they are. I might even look for another job or another role in the company. I was feeling really stuck like I had to make all these decisions right now and lock-in my life right now. But maybe I don't. I can give myself a couple more years to make sure it feels good.
So maybe it's also just being around people at Christmas who were spending more. It seems like everyone is upgrading their life. My aunt bought a new car, granted her 20 year old minivan with 400k miles on it clunked out. My co-worker is getting a Tesla, granted she has a high-earning partner and a mom, and side hustle that could cover the new car payments. My relative bought the biggest house and a new car, granted she makes twice as much as me, has a high-earning partner, and parents to fall back on.
So maybe it's a little of that. Or it's all the things.
But this morning as I was bumbling out of bed, I wanted some orange juice with my breakfast sandwiches but the $1.69 price tag was alarming. If I had planned ahead, I could've gotten orange juice from the grocery store. But I didn't and I didn't want to make a second stop.
This morning I got the orange juice. I got the smaller size, so it was only $1.49. But I got the orange juice!
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