On Hinge, Temperance, A Credit Card Bonus

 So my triggered feelings are starting to subside. I think the more I'm aware of this ebb and flow, the easier (eventually), it'll be to believe that whatever I'm feeling in this instant won't last forever. I do know that's decades away, though. Discouraging. 

Small bites.

My immediate goals are focused on Jan and Feb. That's just a natural mile marker because that's where my next financial pivot takes place.

Financially, I'm sending 50% of my paycheck to my pre-tax 401k for the first 2 months of the year. Once that's done, I hope to start hoarding cash to save about $30k in preparation for FIRE. That'll be 1 of 2 years of RE money. Year 1 is my CDs.  Then one change I'm making is to start including monthly installments of my annual expenses in my monthly transfers to my Bill Pay account. It's what I was defacto doing when I first started budgeting but stopped last year to aggressively save. But being so cash poor in December reminded me that this is a good idea. 

I still don't know what the student loan situation is going to be so I may not quite be able to set it and forget in March, but we shall see. I also have a tiny wrinkle in that I'm frontloading my utilities by 4 months to reach a Credit Card Spend to get the bonus. So there may be extra cash in that Bill Pay account because of that. I think that'll be okay. I have to remember that I recalibrate quarterly for scenarios such as these. So the easiest thing to do will be to carryon with the monthly transfers as though I am paying that utility bill monthly and just recalibrate. It's a little bit of a cash drag, but that's okay.  Set-it-and forget it is best for me.  I was thinking about paying that credit card spend off monthly to mimic the monthly utility bill, but if I can source the cash, I'd rather just do a lump sum and be done with it. Luckily with my budget app, I can recategorize the expense so that takes care of the tracking. 

Professionally, some work anxiety has returned. I think my deliverable needs to be worked on but I'm avoiding looking at it for a little while longer. I fear all of a sudden, we're going to go from zero to 60. But I hope to start getting serious about it next week. I'm taking this last week to mentally get ready. The amount of stress I feel just thinking about work is a bit alarming considering I just got back from holiday! So this week will be taking it easy and then get ready to get in the full swing of things next week. 

Personally, I can't make up my mind about Hinge. Obviously putting these arbitrary time limits on my time on the app isn't working. So, I'm hoping to naturally or organically lose interest. Mean Brain is still trying to convince me that the last guy I went on 2 virtual dates with is my long lost love. I realized I tend to gravitate towards people who have a life I can more easily insert myself into. Even though my mouth says I want to "build a life" with someone, I think that's just lip service. I feel myself wanting to be a supporting character. I don't know if it's protective or if it's what I really want. It just seems easier to slip into someone's life than to have to start all over. I always said I'd rather be vice-president than president. You get all the perks without the pressure. I think that's why I gravitate toward older men. I want someone who is already established and maybe looking for a sidekick...erm... partner. Haha. 

I think realistically, I'd like to be able to contribute to the household within my budget but keep finances separate. So it'll help if they have more money. I think my fear of being mistreated trumps a desire for reckless romance every time. I want to feel free to leave at any time and not be too tangled with someone. That freedom I'd like to think would allow me to love more wholly but on the other side a higher level of dependency I think fosters intimacy and closeness. Is it possible to love independently? I think from a single's perspective when your partners seems interchangeable, it's more likely that's what happens when an alternative presents itself. I think a lot of people feel confident that their partners wouldn't cheat on them. I think most partners probably don't go looking, and that's probably the best you can hope for. But I do think, for most people when the opportunity presents itself in a very accessible way, the decision is less clear. 

So all I'm saying is it's hard to know what to hope and pray for. 

But although I'm not admitting it publicly to people I know, I'm still on the app and I'm still texting with one boy. I feel solidly in the friendzone and he's someone I would have to "build a life with" which honestly sounds like the relationship-work I'm trying to avoid. 

Aha! So I think what logical brain is afraid to say is that given my history...dating history, world circumstance... as much as I hope for a love worth living for, I think the most likely outcome for me is a romantic friendship. That's a mature way of saying a monogamous friend with benefits. I don't see love in my future, if I'm speaking freely. But it's not because I don't want it or because I don't think I deserve it. And that's okay. 

That's at least the lie I'm telling myself to keep me texting this guy that doesn't carry a torch for me. It's attention, however small. And it's neutral attention which is better than negative attention. Progress!

I think once I can relax and not feel like it'll be the end of the world when we stop texting, I'll be able to enjoy it more. I just need that secure attachment, but I'm not sure it'll come. Especially when you exchange just ONE text a day. Ugh!

This, my friend, is a real test of temperance for the single girl!

I'm also using the random conversations on Hinge as background noise for now. It'll also help when this texting relationship ends. I'll need a little bit of an ego safety net.

Lastly, I got my first bank bonus of the year! It happened so fast, I almost didn't realize what was happening. I charged the spend on Jan 1 and paid it off a few days later. And it looks like on the 7th I got the $300 bonus! Technically, it's only about $266 because I had to spend $34 to use a credit card to pay my HOA fee. Isn't that wild! But yay! That felt nice. One down, two to go!