9a Minor Freakout

 I am having a little bit of a minor freakout that I didn't see coming. I wrote my last blogpost at 2a, and at 9a I find myself a bit weepy.

Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the anniversary of my aunt's death. Maybe it's the pressure of my next project. Maybe it's all these house goings on, but something is not right.

My brain is choosing to focus on this rejection. I think I said some weird things. I must have. Why do I say weird things. I even prepped myself before hand with questions to ask. I made a note to stay upbeat and positive, don't self-deprecate (that never translates virtually to people you don't know...ever!). But it was my natural defense or default state, I guess.

I'd gotten used to the text messages I guess.

Nothing bad is actually going to happen to you, MERJ. Not one thing. Nothing bad is even happening to you right now. This was not the love of your life. You didn't just divorce a man that you pinned every last hope and dream on. What you're feeling right now is a trick. You will not be consumed by this. He didn't cheat on you. He didn't murder you. He didn't even love you. I don't even really think he liked you.

You didn't know this was going to happen when you were born. You didn't know this person in November and by this upcoming November you still won't know this person.

This is just Feelings. Feelings are fickle. 

I did find myself a bit distracted in my 8:30a meeting. I find myself wanting to check my phone for a text I know won't come. It sucks. A lot. If I ever go back on the apps again, I'm definitely not giving out my phone number again. But I already knew that, but Weakness convinced me it would be different this time. I'm stronger and more emotionally resilient. False.

I immediately want to spend the $10 to change my Voice number, but I need it at least until Tuesday when my washer and dryer are supposed to be delivered. Fantasy is telling me maybe that's why my delivery got delayed because obviously he's going to text me tonight or tomorrow.  So many tricks. 

Love is easy, not tricky.