Thoughts on Singlehood

 I don't know why I'm still hung up on this. I gave myself so much room to prepare for entering 2022 partner free. But Brain has decided that's the only thing it wants to focus on. 

I even got out of bed at 7a to come downstairs to check a phone that doesn't even have the app. Maybe a lazy text from one of the two boys I gave my number to is what I was expecting. Maybe just out of habit?

This sucks.

I think I'm just bored. Brain is trying to convince me to join the app one more time. Maybe there's one more boy out there for you. Maybe new pictures. This feels dangerously like job applying. I was already on the app more than 100 days, just like I applied to more than 100 jobs and it just kept me in a downward spiral.

Hello, MERJ! You gave up on this dream long ago. Remember your ugly gold tooth, shaving your head, buying cheap house in the hood, and all whatever else. You threw the cake in the trash to stop yourself from wanting it. 

But here I am trying to eat trash cake (i.e. pursue a romantic relationship despite all the negative outcomes). I know it's not something I really want, and I know it's likely not what's best for me. At this point, it just feels like this game I need to win.

Maybe to appease myself, I'll say once I reach FIRE? Or maybe March 1? Or maybe April 1?

I'm just grasping here. 

I know it's just the holiday blues, so I just have to get through it.

The thought of being stuck in the house for another year with nothing to do and nowhere to go is not the paradise I once imagined.

I don't know what I want though. 

Maybe some adventure? I want work to be the backdrop to something else. I need to fill in the spaces outside of work. 

But there's so much value in my alone time. I like spending the holidays binge watching. But I want that to be something different than the other days?

So do I approach dating like I'm due the fairy tale. Or do I accept my circumstance, and treat it like a task I have to work at harder than a Carefree Kate. As much as I know the latter is likely what I need to do, I just can't get there. Work is required for me to live. Romantic love isn't. 

This optional thing can't be something I have to work tirelessly at and fear losing. That's the opposite of what I want to do with my life.

That's the opposite of freedom. 

I just need to quiet Brain.