A Bronzed Life

 I'm turning into a giddy girl for some reason. I was looking at lip gloss and new hairstyles yesterday. Magically, I had like 9 matches yesterday! I don't know how Hinge works anymore. I did look up some of the algorithm and the math nerd in me was fascinated. I think it's the same match algorithm they use in residency match for health professions. 

The idea of looking at is as "stable matches" where no one is matched with someone that is more preferred by someone else helps calm my second place feelings.

I read once that the silver medal sometimes feels more like a loss than a bronze medal. The idea is that you only see one person ahead of you. Whereas with bronze you beat out everyone else! 

So instead of dramatically thinking of my life as this second place consolation prize. Maybe it'll help to think of it as a bronzed life. 

It doesn't have the shimmer of gold or the sting of silver. But I beat out a lot of people to get to where I am. I could have been stuck in poverty. I could've been left hungry. I could've died. I could've been stuck homeless or beaten or abused. So many bad things could've happened. One of my relative's in-laws quit law school because of the discrimination. That happened to me with all my degrees. I could've quit and said what's the point. There's just so many left turns that could have been the end of my road but instead I just got turned around a lot. My journey was delayed. I ran out of gas. I took some pit stops.

But my journey inevitably continued for as much as was in my control and influence. 

And financial independence is my bronze metal. 

It's not the dream house or dream job or dream location or dream partner and kids and life. But it's the one I have. No one will look at it with awe or wish for it, but that's okay. 

In this moment, I think I am going to go ahead with the name change. Yesterday I was briefly reminded why I did it. Part of it was brokered on a promise of a better life (which didn't materialize as I envisioned), but part of it was to take a stand against an oppressive history. So I'll bronze that part of it. 

I got a work email that made me a bit anxious and snapped me back into the reality of working. So while I was feeling good and toyed with the idea of staying in the workplace longer (which is easy to do when you're enjoying paid-time-off), this email was a gentle reminder that my workdays are numbered and that unsettling feeling keeps me motivated.

So while I may not immediately RE, I know why I labored so hard to get here.

And although Happy Brain thinks I could make it to 60 in RE, I know that's largely wishful thinking.

The one thing I wish I could figure out was how to make my overseas relatives my beneficiaries. That would make me happy. They never got a chance to chase the American Dream. If I could leave them the fruits of my labor then it won't be for nothing.