5p Check-In and Supplication

 Yes, friends, I just felt this earnest moment of trying to do something to change the outcome of this rejection. But this time it was a plea to God. I felt a little energized by reframing the narrative. For as much as he knows, I didn't reach out to him either, so hopefully he feels just as rejected. Maybe any perceived bad behavior on my part signaled to him that I wasn't that into him. This brings me some comfort in that it takes away the sting of rejection and being picked over. 

But in this narrative, we are both equally interested parties who don't contact each other ever again. If we're all playing by the same rules then he too has to wonder what I thought of him. I like this version of the story better. Every one goes their separate ways. There's no meeting at the bridge where one person is stood up.

But the thing I did is this. I went to get a hamburger for my late-afternoon picnic (inside my car). If I haven't said it enough times on this blog, I live in a not-so-great neighborhood because it's what my FIRE budget can afford. At the burger place there was a homeless man wandering around. I of course in an abundance of caution, started locking all my doors and rolling up my windows. But somehow seeing him just sit on the stoop of a nearby establishment pulled on my heart. I wanted to do something - I always want to do something - but I didn't know what. 

I don't mind buying food because I never carry much cash. Plus the cash just seems more dangerous somehow but even as I type this.... why should I care how they spend the cash. Once I decide to give it away, it's theirs. 

Anyway, I left not feeling great. I ate my food in my screened in porch (aka car). Then decided I would go back in supplication for my prayer for a mate. I can't remember why we give offerings and sacrifices in prayer, but that was the thing I decided to do.

It happens quite often that when I'm praying for something, I will stumble upon a need of 'the least of these.' I almost always never answer their cry. And I always think God looks less favorably on me when I turn a blind eye. 

So this time, I wanted to try everything to get my husband. Convert this 11th hour guy into my future husband. I muttered a few words to get God's attention and drove back. The homeless guy wasn't even there. 

Oh well. If only prayer was that simple. 

I just feel like my time is now. Why not now? 

Have I grown though? Have I really grown though? I have felt this way before. When I transition to these different phases of adulthood - new job or new opportunity, new financial milestone, buying the house- they just seem to be perfect inflection points to find a partner. 

I just want to punctuate these moments with a love event. 

Oh well. I don't know what else to say on the subject or feel about the subject. 

All my investments are down, so I'm basing my FI-dom on $400k (instead of $500k), so in my mind since I only plan to live for the next 5-20 years, I'm kind of okay financially.

And wouldn't you know, it took less than a month to get used to spending more money.

I'm spending $8 to $10 at fast food places when I usually spend $2 to $4. Even $4 was a stretch. 

My goals for this year just feel really fluid. There was love and momentarily trying to get 2 jobs to see how much money I can make. There was getting into reselling. There was the thought of letting a relative stay with me. 

Doing a good job at work is still a priority, but it's extremely difficult to feel motivated to do much more than that for a myriad reasons. 

I'm even virtually volunteering this weekend. I realized I was only half motivated to do that because of Dapple. Not in a romantic way, but just oh I'm saying I do all these things, maybe I should actually do them.

My FIRE goal was this great big daunting task that I took a huge bite out off. It's been the forefront of so many decisions for the last 4 years that without it, I'm not sure what I want.

I don't want to get completely used to this aimless side of me because it'll be hard to come back from. I think I like working towards a goal. A good solid achievable goal. 

Work doesn't exactly feel optional yet. It feels like a helmet or a springy safety net. So it's not something I'm ready to go forth without. It is the thing that makes the next seemingly precarious endeavor feel a little less scary.