We all know by now I go a little nuts when people don't respond to my text messages. I hate any break in pattern without explanation especially when I'm insecurely attached to someone. At this point, that's everyone.
I was so happy with Texter's last message that I got overly excited and texted 2 long texts. He didn't text back. So now I'm second guessing my messages. Should I have just ended with a short question instead? Or would this have happened anyway.
The sheer fact that I'm agonizing over something that's already a long shot; is supposed to be fun; and comes easier to blonde women makes me feel like I've reached the end of the rope with this dating thing.
I'll be 38 in 2 months. Before I moved into Death House, I'd already given up hope on this but those darn dating shows and romance movies re-ignite that tiny kindling every now and then. And you know, Christmas.
Obviously when I'm triggered I recall all my life choices and expectations. This mornings ruminations include:
- Well now, I have to die.
- I should just change my name. Today!
- I should just leave my name as is. That's what I deserve.
- I'm deleting Hinge.
- I should just stay on Hinge and let that Russian man make me his third wife. And live unhappily ever after.
- I should just quit everything and give up.
- Why does this keep happening?
- I should contact everyone else who hurt me. I'm already hurt, why not add salt to these open wounds?
- Why did I email those 2 old friends of mine yesterday anyway. It was only going to hurt me. Didn't I say not to contact old people and leave your old stuff in the past. (Followed by... but the year changing is just an arbitrary marker of time.)
- Ugh, can I FIRE already?
- Should I get a new job?
- Is my paycheck posted?
Luckily, I did get out of bed. I deleted anything having to do with the Texter. Actually there are a few more images left. I have to disentangle myself from this web of online dating.
The new arbitrary deadline is sometime soon with penciled in plans to delete the app exactly 1 week from this miserable feeling.
Given past history, there's a 50% chance he'll text me today by 7p EST.
My plan is whether it's today or Thursday, I'll send him one FINAL text on Friday to the effect of:
Come visit me in NC.
It's what I wanted to get to anyway, and this slow molasses courtship is not working out for me. It's too anxiety inducing and the results are like raisins. Because who likes raisins.
First Temperance goal - fail.
No more waking up in the cold morning to check my phone. No more agonizing over internet articles and questions to craft the perfect text. I was browsing yet another article on sunk cost fallacy yesterday in relationships. Two in fact.
Yeah, this is that.
Man! It always sucks! It always feels like "what if...x,y,z." I think because you know if your "good words" worked before, then there seems like there should be a "good word" you could've said to avoid this predicament. And I feel like it's true.
How often do we like someone until they say that one ridiculous thing or do that one ridiculous thing.
I just wanted a boyfriend. I wasn't even hoping for long term success. We already know the bar was already lowered to monogamous friend with benefit. But not in that way! I just wanted to break this stereotype that girls like me deserved and could be loved and rescued just like blonde girls. But alas, I was not powerful enough.
What's funny is I had this same realization when I was a boy-crazed teenager and I wrote myself a little mantra - I deserve to be earned. Sorry, little me, all you got was 30 years of piss-poor treatment from the opposite sex while the blonde girls ride off into the sunset with each and every one of your crushes.
C'est la vie.
Luckily our first paycheck of the year was posted! So I got lost in that for awhile. I checked everything and it appears my taxes, 401k and new benefits were deducted appropriately. Yay!
Maybe for Jan and Feb, I'll make Wednesday a take-out day. Wednesday because... well because today is Wednesday, and also the default can be that African food place that just opened. They have tasty Wednesday specials. Yep.
I need a little more to get through this cold dark winter. Except, I don't feel like leaving the house.
Yesterday was a bit of a blah day. Today feels no different.
Next week I think I have to do real work.
I don't want anymore emotional drama in 2022. 2021 (and 2020) had enough for a decade.
I guess I can try to stick with the frame of mind that Hinge is just for meeting new people. Not for dating. Just to pass the time. So maybe I don't have to try so hard to be interesting.
So even if I don't delete it right away, I can just be my awful self instead of having to be Carefree Katie in a MERJ disguise. Yes, this. Eventually, the conversations die away anyway. So use past behavior to inform expectations instead of hoping for something different.
Data, my faithful friend.
Oh, in other news. A job alert passed through my inbox. It's internal and it kind of piqued my interest. It's vendor management and contracts. My mentor brought up something similar as a possible development opportunity. It piqued my interest then too. Not sure what this means.
While I don't like actually like engaging with the vendor for day to day operations, I liked some of the admin stuff like looking over contracts and analyzing resourcing needs.
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