On January

 Yesterday was a weird day. It started off good then it spiraled to me creeping on a friend of a friend's public Instagram page all the way to posts from 2019. 

I know a couple good decisions I made in life for self-protection, and one of them is staying off social media. If not, yesterday would have been many of my yesterdays.

I think I just started to feel left behind, picked last, just overall discontentment. It just seems people around me are hitting all these celebrated milestones and I'm just not. I just can't find a race that I can win and be the best at.

Apparently, that's something I value because I keep coming back to that. 

I'm obviously grateful for getting as far as I have in my FIRE journey because before and even after the first 100k, the journey was so distressing in its required endurance. 

But now, it's like I can't be happy with that. Something happened in December. Something happened last year living on so little. And now I can't undo that feeling. Maybe it'll pass. 

I think seeing people celebrating the things money buys them is just making me rethink everything. It also might be that my workload has been so light the last few months that work doesn't seem so bad. Who knows. 

I just still feel left behind, like I'm eating other people's dust. 

I think this is when being around like minded people probably helps. 

Good things from Jan

- Workload was incredibly light

- I probably did Guided Meditation at least 3 times a week

- Went ahead with 50% 401k contribution

- Successfully unsubscribed from all the streaming services I gifted myself during the holidays

- Got my first $300 bank bonus

- Got off Hinge

- Went to annual physical

- Signed up to judge 2 science competitions

For Feb

- Considering "working" or at least staying on the computer from 9a to 1p, so that when I have a draft due I can more easily transition into getting it done vs stressing

- Reading between 5-7p (vs watching TV)

I think the Slow Fade Boy is a bit of a monkey wrench. Reasonable Brain is like just cut him loose. I can't look up any more 'why did he' blog posts. I mean there are some things that make it seem like he pulled back a little. 

What are the facts:

- No pictures (promised)

- No phone call (alluded to)

- ONLY texts 1x a day... at NIGHT when I'm asleep (this is the biggest one)

I need to figure out what I want. Yes, friendship, but is it progressing? I want to eventually come out there... I was hoping in March when it's not as cold and maybe cold/flu/COVID season has settled down a bit. 

I was going to send some sort of high stakes text to effectively end communication, but I chickened out. I'm entangling myself in the Slow Fade so that Mean Brain doesn't chastise me later. 

I've been "friends" with dudes before. It literally never leads anywhere other than them eventually fading away when they find a girl they like. 

I've been sensing a bit of slow fade and breadcrumbing. But it could also be inexperience. But Logical Brain is just like even inexperienced guys go after what they they want. Everyone does. When is the time to be brave if not behind a screen!

So do I just cut him loose? Give in to the Slow Fade? Or keep playing along until March and then send a high stakes text?

It's exactly what I knew was going to happen - me trying to convince a boy to like me. It's why I unmatched him in the first place. Right Brain already knew I'd find myself here and here I am.

Then you see shows like 90 Day Fiance, where far away girls get guys to send them money with just one picture and what..flirty words? I wish they gave more insight into what these women are saying.

Or even the women in prison in Love after Lockup. 

How is this even fair?

I'm amazing, but obviously not as amazing as these women.

This is what I mean.

I think what I'm mad at is the thing I put the most effort into - was school. I didn't get to be world reknowned or make the most money.  Even my best mates with less education are making as much or more money than me and have better outcomes.

And they have families - partners, kids, the bigger house.

38 already sucks and I'm not even there yet. 

The only good thing is as far as return on investment, if income based repayment for student loan works out in FIRE the way I hope, that will be a discount degree. And homegirl loves a discount!

And let's face it -I don't enjoy working. I really don't. So why should I bemoan others the fruits of their labor. 

I got to get a whole bunch of degrees - um, I like school.

I get to exit the workforce and live a basic life anytime I want - um, I love not working. 

So what am I complaining about?

OMG! I think my neighbors are selling drugs! I already thought they were up to no good, but it's cold and snowy outside. There is no reason for anyone to be sitting in a car. And now a rando third person just creeped up to the car looking around. Who does that if you're friends.