Misery!

 It's freezing in the room. The internal temp inside the house is 50 degrees according to the thermostat but I think it's much lower inside the room.

I'm still feeling small pangs of sadness that I'm not partnered and my prospect may or may not return my interest. It doesn't feel quite as devastating as it might have in the past. So this is PROGRESS. That's huge.

Finally my guardrails are finally working. I was feeling bored and wanting to get back on the apps but I had no pictures on my phone or iPad and the work required to find and upload them was more than I was willing to do in that moment of weakness. Yay! 

But yeah although I'm disappointed, I don't have many more things I can change or do to self-destruct myself.

So again, progress!!

I don't think he'll ghost, but he also may not have the difficult conversation, so likely a slow fade and maybe a final text. He gets until Sunday night since Monday is the 31st, i.e. the end of the month and a natural time for things to end. I'm 90% committed to not texting him back first since our phone conversation (in the future version of this story, I'm rounding it up to a date).

If he does text, I do want to ask if he wants to move from getting to know each other to a friendship, but then part of me thinks it'll be fun to see what happens around Valentine's Day. If he gets weird or nonchalant. So I might do that - accept the breadcrumbs. Although there is some anxiety ridden antics, I might be tempted to keep the text chain going. 

Other things

The misery was last night. Although I caught one outdoor neighbor, I wasn't entirely convinced there was only one. And eventhough I barricade myself in my room every night I keep hearing all these chirps and beeps and I'm convinced there are uninvited guests all around me as I sleep, so I hide under the covers.

It might be the TV. It might be birds outside. I really don't know. Last night it definitely sounded like the smoke detector was alerting that there was a low battery. There was beeping for at least an hour but it was so cold I refused to get up and check. It didn't make sense because I thought my smoke detectors were wired. And I thought if one went off, they all went off. 

A few hours later, the beeping stopped. I mean it definitely felt like it was right outside my door. So either it was my neighbor's smoke detectors and the sound waves were distorted, or it was a very loud cricket. 

I was scared of bringing the space heater in the room but I finally just did it. It's so much warmer outside my room especially with my door closed. All the heat from the sun is warming up the other half of the house.

Yesterday I sat in the car for almost 4 hours because the sun was out and in the car I couldn't feel the chilly wind. I've decided to call it my screened-in porch. And I used to be scared when those boys sat in their car for no reason. #kettleblack

Speaking of those boys, I haven't seen them hanging in the car the last couple of days. I noticed a dad-like figure coming out of their house with army pants on. So maybe when he's around they do less wayward stuff. 

There was some dripping under the kitchen sink. Panic! I couldn't tell where it was coming from. After watching a YouTube video, I tried to tighten everything I saw under the sink and there was one nut that actually felt loose. The dripping seemed to stop but I haven't used the sink much. 

So yeah, last night was a miserable night of sleeping.

I did challenge myself with a lot of dairy filled products this weekend. My tummy bubbled but there was no violent diarrhea. Mind you, it wasn't ice cream or cheeseburgers. Just things I thought had a low content of dairy - some donuts from a bakery and Chik Fil A chicken nuggets. 

I had just been wanting donuts for so long that I finally just did it. I tried to base my stomach first with some dry French bread from the same bakery, but I'm actually not convinced that bread was dairy-free. 

What's laughable is that Friday afternoon Lowe's called to say they couldn't deliver my washer and dryer on Sunday because of the weather. At the time I was like what weather? I think it was supposed to be cold but when I'd last checked there wasn't a storm. And there sure isn't one. It's sunny and in the 40s today. 

It's supposed to be warming up this week so that makes for an exciting February! I hope it stays sunny.

I'm done with winter. 

Again I don't know if it's reaching some level of FI that's got me thinking more about what happens next, but I really want to find a partner. But I can't figure out what I want out of it. Do I even really want a a partner or is it something I think I should want?

I would honestly be fine with a good group of friends. So maybe it doesn't have to be this big philosophical discussion or decision. I have a lot of time on my hands. I have money to spend a little more freely on leisure and entertainment. So what else am I going to do? So yeah, maybe I'm not looking to find the love of my life as my ultimate goal. I'm just looking for a friend and if it happens to be a guy that would be cool too. 

But I think one of my longstanding dreams has been to find a love worth living for, but that dream has been long-shelved by reality. 

So maybe Carefree Katie was right. I'm just looking for "someone to do fun stuff with." Barf.

But is that true? I guess not all the time. 

So yes, I'm not necessarily looking for a marriage and kids and family but I wouldn't say no. 

Right now, I have a lot of free time and when the weather is nice, it'd be nice to get out of the house. That's the most basic truth of my situation. 

I dreamed up to 2 wishful goals for this year in my fits of sleep last night - find a second WFH job and gross $250k/yr and something else I can't remember. 

The hopeless romantic in me wants to get dressed up and go live in Seattle for a month. I want to date and kiss some cute boys.

But that's Magical Wishful Brain thinking. She must be high on life.