Down But Not Out

 I can't say it, but I'm crushed! I was sure based on past behavior that the Texter would at least respond within 24 hours. But Trusty Gut knew better. I went ahead and changed my Google Voice number to protect myself around 3p today. 

That was my instinct, but then Stupid Hope was like wait till 7p EST since that's when you sent the last text. Give him the full 24 hours. But I knew something was off. We'd been texting daily since Thursday of last week. This is the third time he's broken the text chain.

It just felt like 3 strikes and you're out. Except I don't know if the you, in this case, is me or him.

Either way, Trusty Gut was right. Dumb Hope, literally lets me down every time. So my instincts were right when I first unmatched him on the app. I knew I would drive myself mad trying to win his affection after he said he didn't want to pursue something long distance. But I'm cute and fun and funny. I can change his mind! I must be better than nothing. He's about to turn 39, maybe it'll be the perfect alignment of circumstances.

Nope. 

I checked all the 'why didn't he text me' posts and apparently I did everything wrong. I knew I should've asked more about his last text. Be interested. But I had this other plan I was following that seemed to be working. 

There were so many roads to take, and I guess I gambled and lost. But did I?

Anyway, I'm proud of myself for calling this 3 times over. I'm proud of spending that $10 to change my number and protect myself emotionally. The plan is of course to hold on until Friday a.m. to see if he sends anything at all. That will be 3 days (way past he's not that into you territory). Then I can delete the number so I won't see anything he might text and I won't be able to text him either. 

Ten dollars well spent.

I wanted to go out and get some snacks but feeling kind of under the weather the previous 2 days gave me pause. It was a little warmer out today so I don't feel quite as lethargic but I'm still going to take it easy. 

And I just realized we have Monday off. 

I'm just afraid that I can't bear a 3rd year with no human contact. I don't understand life. I hate that there's no reckoning. There's no destiny that rights star-crossed love. Love is this big thing that keeps us both connected and divided. It's so confusing. Is it real? Does it matter? How could we get it so wrong so often? 

I suppose there is a heavenly reckoning, but it's too late by then.

I'm scared of this year. I'm scared of the idleness. I don't want to be busy with work. I want to live out loud. I want to celebrate. I want to engage. I want to love and be loved. 

But mostly I'm just scared.

I thought this would be easier. I thought this would feel better.