I Think I'm Sad Because...

I think I'm sad because I haven't talked to anyone in 1 week or more.

Today, so far I've had one 5 minute call with a customer.

Yesterday, I think I had one call.

The thing is when you live alone and relegated everyone to email, you will naturally lose your physical voice.

Maybe that's why I'm startled when strangers say hello and don't respond appropriately.

Maybe that's why I was ugly crying just 20 minutes ago, for at least the 3rd time today.

This great thing is happening and I can't even say it aloud because then I'd just be talking to myself.

Ugh...what am I doing?

Colleague sent me a copy of her report from her financial advisor and it mentioned naming a "trusted contact." It was her mom.

Who would that be for me?
Remember how I couldn't find anyone to share cupcakes with?
Remember how I couldn't name a deserving beneficiary?
Am I actually an aged curmudgeon? 
Who is my trusted contact?

In most cases, I usually list My Doctor Cousin as my emergency contact for two reasons. One, she's a doctor and has always been a responsible person. So that even if we aren't speaking or particularly close, she would do the right thing. Secondly, since most people have changed their numbers over time, hers is the only valid number I still have memorized - you know back when people used to memorize phone numbers.

I am alone. I am really, really alone.

I don't feel particularly sad about it because I don't know what the alternative is.  Distracted? I don't think I'm sad because I'm alone. I think I'm just both things at the same time. I am sad and I am alone. 

But I don't feel sad, but what is it called when you're crying multiple times during the day for minor things? Don't say clinical depression.

It's something else; I just don't know what it is. Denial? 

Le sigh.

This is what it's like to be me, folks.

The reason I don't think I'm depressed is because I don't feel like the "sadness" is debilitating. And the feelings always seem circumstantial. I'm just not particularly resilient and seemingly quite emotionally labile. I guess, right? 

I just like when things go exactly the way I imagined they would go. I just get thrown off when something doesn't happen the way I thought it would.

My reaction to it overwhelms me and it frustrates me. I think if someone wanted to label it...it's something closer to some sort of female (autism/asperger's) spectrum disorder.

Or maybe I'm just my own type of human. Maybe.