I feel better

I woke up ready to spew some negative thoughts, but then I had to use the restroom. I couldn't stand the ring around the commode. So I spot-cleaned the bathroom. And I just turned the air on.

I suddenly feel better.

And when I went downstairs earlier to get my notebook, I noticed no new bugs at the backdoor. I guess my tape barrier worked. Not a sustainable permanent solution, but it works for now.

Woosa!

Tomorrow might be an errand day, but I just can't seem to get my mind focused. What am I afraid of? What am I scared of? What are some negative outcomes that seem impending that I can't vocalize or verbalize?

I'm going to try a brain dump...

• I wish my laptop for New Job would arrive today.
• Did I offend New Boss by rhetorically asking/commenting, "you're old enough to have college-aged children?" If so, will that affect our future relationship? It was just an observation on my part. I thought it was a compliment. 
• Has solo life made me socially awkward?
• Are there things people like about me anymore?
• If I have to go to Team Meeting today, will I say no? Can they force me to go? 
• Should I just send email to Colleague today to avoid having the virtual check-in? 
• I hope New Laptop works with one of my docking stations. If not, I hope new docking station is cheap/ affordable. I wish I knew what model it was so I can order docking station already. ..But that's definitely something I can wait on.
• Why do I keep getting these wonky calls? Will yesterday's escalation lead to some more undesired feedback? 

Oh, something I will say for myself. When I make up my mind to do something - right or wrong- I follow through. 

Mmm... that's not the point I was trying to make. Mostly, just I knew I was ready to leave the call center life when I left Call Center #1. I was worried I didn't wait on God or disobeyed him in some way, because I could't secure another job right away.

One of the reasons I was ready to quit the call center was because I was losing my patience with customers and providing that level of customer service in general. It was a role I just couldn't play easily anymore. But I just thought that was life. And for the most part it is - suck it up and deal with it. But I was getting less patient, less kind, less understanding. It was harder to keep the mask on all day.  I was afraid of getting fired for essentially not doing the job I was paid to do. That was only 1 of 100 reasons, but I quit with no job. I saved for and intended to take a 6 month Sabbatical. 

That didn't happen.  

The six weeks of flailing about before I accepted the offer at Call Center #2 seemed like enough of a break. I still didn't want to do call center work but I couldn't stay unemployed because I was becoming unglued. So for that, I'm grateful for them.

But within the first week at Call Center #2, I was affirmed that I no longer wanted to do call center work. So I kept applying. After 3 more months of actively applying and interviewing, I had to come to terms with the fact that this was as good as it was going to get for me. I tried my best to give 100% but was internally making plans to get out sooner rather than later. I kind of already resigned myself to the idea that this would be my last job before calling it quits (on Life). 

I can't recall my exact plans in this moment without checking my notes, but I know I kind of checked out. I just figured I'd last as long as I could at Call Center #2 and hoped not to get fired.  I would be treading water essentially, and when I ran out of breath, I would just live off whatever I managed to save. And that would be that. 

What I'm trying to say in a long-winded way is this. I don't think New Job is going to change these plans. At some point along the way, reaching $250k became the goal because I could survive a good number of years on that before running out of money. 

While I won't be staffing a call center anymore, I think Brain has just lumped all work as work - call center or not. So I'm concerned that this is the mindset I'm taking into New Job. Thus I don't have a chance of reaching the work-product outcomes I might desire. 

Running in the background are still plans to make it work for about ~18 months until I can reach $250k and then enter my self-imposed Twilight Years (or is it Golden Years?).