And I'm Down Again

When do I get to stop being this person?
Since The Great Setback of 2001, I think I've just let myself be sucked into the idea of little setbacks turning into big ones.
Maybe because I don't want to be caught unawares.

How do I get to be a person who can let things roll off my back, as the saying goes?

I'm feeling discouraged.

When did I become the person that needs so much encouragement and positive affirmation. When did I become that person?

I felt a little jealous of New Manager. It feels weird to even say it out loud. I was just thinking, how lucky is she that she has so many people that want to love her. She has what she describes as 3 great kids, a partner, and at least one of her parents is still alive. And her team seems to have nothing but good things to say about her.

What's it like to be that person.

And now my eyes are tearing up.

So, today in a meeting I offered a point and I felt like it was entertained but ultimately dismissed. That didn't feel good. It made me feel like I have nothing to offer (false). Then I felt a little pressured to share information about a previous client that I've been feeling like lately I really shouldn't be talking about.

That actually has been a point of inner contention with me since starting new job. So much of my experience has been with this client. And I think we signed something when we started not to share that we were the vendor. But is that while we were working? Is that now? How can I speak about my experience in future jobs?

But then I know from different trainings here that some people know that that client used a vendor for a few services. So, is it a circle of trust? But do my current co-workers now think I'm someone that can't keep confidential things confidential?

So I'm just a little bummed. I feel a little lost.  Adrift.

Then I think...well, just hang in there for 18 months. And that seems doable.

I guess my position would be I can only offer my experience, it's their decision whether to use it or not.