Some Rain on My Parade

I have this emotional wound I need to exudate.  So remember the bad call that happened either last Thursday or Friday. I was so sure it was going to lead to my demise.

I got a little excited when I didn't hear any feedback on Friday, but boy did I celebrate too early.

I got the feedback a couple hours ago (it was initially sent to our lead on Friday, but our lead had to add her own feedback). It was as bad as I feared, but I guess it didn't reach my hiring manager and lead to my involuntary termination (not yet anyway), so maybe not as bad as I feared. It was still bad. And it still hurts. It stings. And it's injured my pride, the little shred that was left.

In the feedback email, I was accused of incompetence and letting down our HCPs. Not good.  I'm just sad now. My entire mood has shifted.

I really wanted to go into New Job with a boost of confidence of a job well done at last job. Wishful thinking.

Now, I'm actually starting to wonder if I don't just belong here (Call Center #2). Now, I'm thinking if I can't even do this basic job well, who am I to take on a larger role. Am I kidding myself into thinking I can actually be a manager.  I feel so defeated. Not the parade I wanted to walk out on.

I don't even know how to come out from under this rain cloud. Usually responding helps to channel some of the bad feelings, but I did that and it felt no different. Le sigh.

Maybe because it's not unexpected? It doesn't make it hurt less. How can I walk into New Job with the confidence of a history of success if I don't have that.

And then I still can't help but wonder what am I really doing leaving this low-volume call center to a much bigger company with 100% more responsibility.

Facts: If I actually spent 8 hours doing the work the job requires, I would not enjoy it very much. The only reason it's even tempting to stay is because the workload is so low.

I wish I knew that tomorrow is going to be a better day.

I am grateful that I had a job these last 8 months (when I thought I would be on sabbatical). So, I could re-frame it as the ultimate Free Money Win!

I wish.

8:36pm Update
Then I recall my revised death date, and all is well again. I went ahead and added my goals for New Job to the poster paper I have hanging in my home office. I shall press on. I am okay. I shall be okay.

I was getting ahead of myself.  I think the unspoken excitement and hidden hope that comes with new beginnings was misleading me, as it's wont to do. I'm still desiring to do great things at my new job, but it doesn't change my past circumstances or future outlook.

Be well, all.