Area of Improvement

I'm sure I've said it here many times before, and if I haven't said, I've thought it. I really wish I would speak up more. For good things and bad things.

I was rushing to get home because the pick-up for my fajitas took longer than expected and I had stuff in the oven. Normally stuff in the oven is not alarming, but I foolishly lined the bottom and sides of my baking pan with wax paper and was sure a minute more than was needed was going to catch something on fire. Luckily, nothing like that happened.

So in my rush to get home, I ignored some delivery men next door. They said, "hey, how're you doing?" And I just muttered a "hey." I think. I don't even know if it was audible.

When I realized my house wasn't on fire, I instantly regretted how poorly I treated the delivery men. I stewed and stewed and peered out of the window. I wanted to go out and apologize to them. This is what I wanted to do.  Instead, I meekly waved to one that I saw coming up the driveway when he spotted me.  That felt okay.

But as the minutes wore on, I felt I owed them an apology. So finally, I went upstairs and wrote a sorry note on a sticky pad. I went to go stick it on their truck's window, but just as I was walking out of my house, they were walking toward their truck.

I froze and went back indoors.

I wish I could've just said sorry. What would that have cost me?

I hate when people are rude to me for no reason and I don't say anything. But this feels just as bad.

And what do you know... I'm crying again.

What is going on today?

I'll just type through the tears because I don't want to deal with them.

In the past, I've just accepted the other bad behavior from others as my lot in life. With the thought of death date right around the corner, those feelings were eventually salved.

But when I do something that could potentially hurt others, it just makes me think... I may not be making the world a better place in any significant way, but I surely don't want to make the world a worse place.

I just hate when things suck and I can't go back and fix it.

So, how do I move on from this moment. What can I tell myself for the next time it happens. Collateral damage from an un-empowered life? That'll do.

In other news, I got quite overly excited this morning. But once I laid out a plan, managing those tasks seemed doable.