Am I Struggling?

I heard someone say that once to describe someone else they thought was struggling with the COVID restrictions. It seemed hyperbolic to me. What's so hard about not being able to go outside?

A few minutes ago, I started to think I am struggling. But is that really true? I was getting teary eyed again.

Am I just using my aunt's death as an anchor to struggles that were already there?

I think maybe she was just my last lifeline.

I remember one of the earliest times I imagined life without her, and I felt alone.  But I was much younger then.

Now I'm a bona fide, almost middle aged adult.

I just feel alone. Not that we talked everyday multiple times a day before she got sick. It's just I knew she was always there and generally was a huge fan of me.  She was immensely proud of who I was and just thought I could do anything.  To her, I was the best!

And now I'm openly weeping.

I feel like the first part of the grieving process was being sad for her - the way her last year on life was, the way I treated her, the way others treated her, the way she died.

Now, I feel sad for me.

I don't have an emotional safety net. I don't have a person who thinks I can do no wrong and just wants to see me happy and take care of me and love me forever.

Can you be the best if no one thinks so? Well, can I be the best, if no one else thinks so?