Being Rejected Does Not Make Me Worthless (A Brain Dump)

 It sounds like a duh, but at almost 38, I'm finally getting it. Just cuz it feels bad now doesn't mean you have to stop the party or end your life. You will likely feel it again and again and again. And you might feel it more than other people. It might hurt every time but then it's over. 

Maybe your life is the space between your hurts. Maybe it just is. 

Yesterday I felt a lot of rejection. The texter did text me back 2 days later, but I'd already changed my Google Voice number by then. Is it worth the hassle for one text a day. I'm not getting anywhere on Hinge. Somehow every time I get a bad match, I take offense to it. But I'm not a man, I don't know how they think. Men lying about their age to trick women is just so unseemly, I can't stand it.

Then I called my Racist Friend...twice. He didn't answer or respond to my text or email me back. I don't even like him but it made me really mad. Sometimes when I feel rejected, I use him as an emotional cut. It worked.

I wanted to delete FaceTime and iMessage and end it all. Everything. I was ready to delete Hinge. I wanted to delete my Google Voice number permanently. I didn't want anyone to touch me.

But I'm already in the Death House. I'm already covered in Teflon behind the barricade inside the fortress. I'm so far in, no one can reach me as is. I've run out of walls to put up. 

If I play by my rules, there really isn't anyone on Hinge for me. 

I talked to one of my relatives last night. I was in need of some attention. She emailed me and I called her and she called me back. She's already at arm's length. I was proud of myself for not divulging anything too personal. And neither did she. We basically talked for 3 hours about television shows.

Fine.

This is life now.

I can't let any more outside influences redirect my path. Especially the negative ones. 

I'm in a relationship with myself. This is the one I prize the most.

I think I'm finally at an okay place just an inch above sea level. I'm still catching my breath; I'm still treading water furiously; I'm still gasping for air. But one day, I'll be able to float away. Float around obstacles and bask in the sun with the Normals. One day, I'll be like everyone else. 

The tears are back.

This is the anniversary month of my aunt's death and a lot of the sad feelings just bubble up at the slightest provocation. 

I was thinking about who to leave my money to. There is a girl one of my overseas relatives takes care of. On this show I watch one of the characters is bringing over 2 of her relatives to be their guardian. Maybe I could do something like that for this girl when she gets to high school. She might have a chance. Maybe I could leave my money to her. 

That's all. We were promised wintry weather this weekend. So far, we still have power, so that's good.

But yeah, an unanswered text, an unanswered email, a friend that cuts you out of their life, a horrible boss, a power hungry co-worker. These things don't have to change the course of my life at least so much as I can control it. They don't have to make me stop doing the thing I like to do.  They don't have to make my life worse. 

Maybe they helped fuel me to FIRE, but I don't have to build up all these fortresses that stop any good from coming in. If I do, then these negative forces have more power and impact than intended. 

I don't know what it all means, but I was putting way too much pressure on myself to keep the bad from getting in. Why was I letting myself feel the pain over and over again. I over-corrected maybe? But maybe not. I don't know. 

I think I need to do better at containing situations instead of treating everything like an oil spill? It's like that time when someone left the crockpot plugged in at work and suddenly we couldn't have parties in the cubicles anymore. Instead of just saying, make sure you unplug crockpots. 

I need to go no-contact with my Racist Friend instead of blocking out every possible opening of meeting someone new. That's more like it. 

But I said Yes yesterday to a phone call to my relative that I really haven't talked to via phone for about a year. 

I don't know what it means, but maybe I don't have to. I don't have to plan the rest of 2022 around this event.

Not that event or any recent rejection events. It's literally one moment in time. 

I just think back to 10 years ago. Twenty-Seven felt so old, like I should have had my life together. I had a roommate in her 30s and I remember judging her for still figuring it out. Ha! 

Twenty-Seven feels so young, now. I'm almost forty and I still have no idea what I'm doing. It doesn't seem like most people do either. I think that's the ultimate disappointment with Older Adulthood - the realization that there's no earthly reckoning. Whether you're still working at the fast food joint you started at in your teens or you have an office job with a partner and kids and a mortgage. It doesn't really matter. Life is still hard, people are still mean, you still have to clean your house, shower, take your car in for an oil change, deal with crappy co-workers and weird family and friends. You still have to make dinner. Your partner might still leave you, your kids might suck, and your roof might leak. It can be 2022 or 2012 or 2002. 

Empirically, we're all doing the same 10 things, eating the same 10 things, dealing with the same 10 people. 

So maybe I start making moves toward changing my name an adopting or taking guardianship of one of my relatives. Or maybe I don't and my brother gets everything. 

Or maybe I spend it all and there's nothing left to leave.

I want to finish watching my show, so I'm going to do that now.