Rejected...Again

 After 3 plus months on Hinge, I think I can officially be done.. for the millionth time. The implicit rejection stings every single second. Right now my only viable prospect is a twice married man nearing 60 who while he has a PhD sells cannabis. 

Yeah. Just writing that is making my eye twitch worse. To add insult to injury, my Catfish account got banned. So the actual fun part of being a #carefreewhitegirl on a dating app has been taken away from me. That was actually more confidence boosting than one might think because I could be fun and funny without my skin color getting in my way. That sucks...for me.

So all in all... my experience dating in my late 30s was mostly traumatic and an exercise in futility. I hang on to any little bit of attention that once it's gone, Mean Brain convinces me that I was actually in love with them and now that they're gone, I'll never fall in love.

I mean the latter is true. I will never fall in love and no one will love me the way I desire to be loved. The mere fact that I'm almost 40 is proof of that. I wanted to have been loved by now. 

So naturally I'm pining for that weirdo because I'm sure he blocked me. I'm wading in a 1-text a day pool with the only other person that asked me out in Seattle. And lastly, there's the drug dealer (excuse me: cannabis retailer) that I'll probably have a third "date" with virtually this week.

That tracks. 

My matches have slowed and I think I only got 1 or 0 today. So I don't know if I'm being shadow banned or just not blonde enough. Yes, I learned shadow-ban this weekend. 

I don't remember when I planned to get off the app this time around. It will serve me right to get banned because obviously I can't control myself. But I said no open chats before deleting. Luckily, it's just the cannabis retailer. What should I nickname him? Can-Can? Haha. 

Wow. Is this really how this story ends? I wish I had never joined. Nothing good came of it. I already knew the way this story ends. Chase no more dreams. I was lucky enough to pursue and nearly achieve FIRE. That will have to be enough.

Honestly, the Hinge ban made me even more nervous of my web footprint. What else do people know about me that I wish they didn't?