2nd Date Vibes and Other Things

 So I had my second (virtual) date with Capple. I did all that internet sleuthing for nothing because all I found out was his religion and his LinkedIn but I would've gotten all of that from the second date.

It was mostly normal. Nothing too butterfly inducing, which is neither good or bad. He looks like his picture. A little pudgy around the middle but as much as I want to prioritize looks, I've been conditioned otherwise. The thing that sticks out is he asked for the third time to exchange numbers and I remember saying in one of our text convos that I would do it after 2 calls and a video chat, so I didn't love that.

I'm still learning how to say No and stick up for myself. It's not that I have trouble saying No; I have trouble saying No and still feeling like the person will like me. 

This morning I woke up with some mild stranger-danger vibes because of this but I think it's old trauma, so I'm not reacting. 

I don't feel unsafe. 

I think the other thing too, when I look at my spreadsheet, I'm reminded of what I'm trying to achieve. The premise of the 2 calls and 1 video chat is to sort of filter out intention and not be in a rush to meet-up. I have the Google Voice number specifically for app guys so it's not as though I'm giving out super personal information. My guardrails are there to guide me but I can be flexible too. So while, I didn't necessarily want to give my number out right away, I'm not in danger and there's no rush to meet-up because he lives in another state.

At most, I lose $10 to change the number. 

Again, I have to remember that this is kind of a numbers game. There's a 100% chance that Capple is not The One because that doesn't really exist on my current journey. I'm looking for a solution to my problem of needing some emotional support at this point in my journey. Any number of variables of human man can fit that. 

So while I'm a little miffed, I didn't stand my ground, it's not as though I didn't see it coming. I'm proud of myself for recognizing this angst I feel right now is because of past trauma not of any actual real danger. I'm proud of myself for recognizing I can be flexible with my guardrails. I'm proud of myself for recognizing the intent of my search and trying to focus on that. 

So while we didn't make it to the 3rd call, I am geographically not able to meet up right away and I think he wants to pursue a relationship not just go on a date.

Whether that's with me or not remains to be seen. I do think he was gaming me a little bit but I'm trying not to dwell on it. I think also the 3rd call is important because I think by then both people start loosening up and the truth trickles out. I think I start to feel more like myself. So we'll see. 

Again, I just have to remind myself that this is not a high stakes situation. 

Oh another supportive experience for the 3 call rule. May have already shared but oh well. There was another dud I matched with. As always, not really my type but I give people a chance. I wanted to meet on a Friday but he couldn't. I said I couldn't meet on Saturday and he persisted. I said I was only feeling bold on Friday but if we did another day we'd have to do the 3 calls. We got through 1 short call. Call 2 was maybe 20 minutes and he kind of ended it abruptly. I had a feeling then that he wasn't that into it. By that Saturday night he sent me a message that he met someone else Saturday night that he was more interested in pursuing. The message was fine but now that I think about it I think there was some intention of telling me that he met someone that night to imply I missed my chance. FTG. It's almost laughable like, okay dude. It's dating. Everyone is meeting someone every night. And if that was the person you wanted to pursue, then yes, going out with me would have been a waste of both of our times. 

So yes, the 3 call guideline weeds out guys who just want to go on a bunch of first dates and mismatches in a low effort kind of way. I'm sticking to it! I just have to build up some resilience to the resistance. #I'mThePrize

In other news

I did my first draft of my document yesterday. It felt amazing! I'm so happy I got it done because it just freed up so much mental space. So this means I have some availability to volunteer today and possibly tomorrow.

I see now how people can forget to text you back. I have about 3 messages outstanding that just came in when I was doing other things and I got distracted because they weren't particularly urgent. 

Positivity

I've been slowly releasing myself from correcting minor things in other people. I am actively doing it and can feel myself biting my tongue. I'm at like 1% because some things I just instinctively react to. But it is awesome to just let things go. I used to be better but when I was in the dark place I wanted to give everyone a taste of their own medicine. Life is just better for me when I let things go even if Mean Brain wants to convince me I'm being walked on or pushed over or whatever mean thing it comes up with.

The Final Frontier

Although I'm half in-half out. Today I feel like Love is my final frontier. It's the last thing on my bucket list. Functional Love is nice but before I go, I want to experience that Romantic Love. But the thing is it's not up to me. I wonder if it'll happen!

He's Back!

 I feel like I read once in the Daily Hope that one way to know you're on the way to an answered prayer is when Satan keeps popping up to distract you.

Well, friends, Japple is back! I don't know what dream I'm on the way toward, but I've gotten two pop-ups now that might be signaling something good is about to happen. 

It has completely rattled and frazzled me. Let me tell you!

So, am I going to respond! Heck yes! 

The only good part about online dating is for a hopeless romantic like me, I get to act out a lot of fantasies. I try to fit in these flowery words into these virtual conversations. Before I drop something poetic, I always chuckle a little like even if this doesn't work out, I had these micro-relationship via these one liners. 

I get to be the main character in these short romance vignettes. 

He sent me a passive aggressive message on Hinge and I'm cooly waiting until Tuesday to respond. Not responding was not even an option. I'm fully ready to engage in little tete a tete. I have a whole thing planned with flowery words. 

The question is do I match and wait for him to double text or just shoot off my very endearing (to me) message of long lost love. Oh, I'm going all for it, gang! All for it! 

The joy I've gotten in spinning this web of lies to suit my fancy is too much. I love romance and flowery words and even if this is all I get to say, at least I get to say it! I've felt and put so much romance out into the universe, if Karma really were a thing, I'd be living a romantic fairy tale.  

But yes, after I'd kinda dropped him from memory and Mean Brain was trying to convince me that Dapple was the source of all my woes, this guy pops up. Like my favorite Bachelor candidate once said, FTG!

Obviously, he's a little bored and so am I. So this just got good!

The only thing is, I wish I had gotten my work done so I could fully enjoy the fun. Ugh. I'm so keyed up, I can't even enjoy my shows and I don't have enough focus to do the work, so that's what leads me to this blog. 

Speaking of cutesy. I'm pretending to be in the prologue of another love vignette, and I sent him a cute message this morning. I'm just pretending that boys and girls feel things the same and because I would love to get a message like that, he would too! 

False or not, I'm choosing to believe I have good instincts. 

Feelings and Friday

 It's Friday! The sun is out and those grey skies are gone! I really, really want to work on my document today. But I also want donuts.

My gut is unhappy with something I've eaten. I think it was that weird chicken. 

But today I feel good. Wow I didn't even self-flagellate with checking my balances today. 

I woke up around 4a but quickly fell back to sleep and didn't wake up until almost 9a! So staying up late is working. And I even went to softball practice yesterday!

Go, me!

I was reminded that my volunteer hours are my tithe for the year! So, just to recap, I'm supposed to do about 150-200 hours each year to match the equivalent of 10% of my net-gross salary, respectively.  This is about 16 hours a month or 2 days a month. Broken down like that, it is manageable. 

I can't believe I'd forgotten.

So yeah, maybe I should have driven 100 miles to volunteer a few weekends ago, I could've knocked out a whole day. 

So there are some volunteer hours available next week but I really need to buckle down and work on my document if I haven't done it this week. 

Now to my favorite part of my brain, ruminating on all the boys I've loved (shout out to the Netflix movie of the same title!).

New Love interest is interesting. He has the voice of a more handsome man. It's normal, it's what I thought dating would be like, even though it's been less than a week. 

I think I matched him at a low point and made contact again at another low point. But meh. Mean Brain reminded me of all the boys I liked in the past who I would reach out to when another boy showed interest to make sure I wasn't missing out. In this scenario he feels like "another boy."

When this comes crashing down, I'll tell you all the bad things that are now fuzzy. 

If were to over-romanticize our brief interlude in the spirit of living in the moment and enjoying the fantasy, I would say the following..

He's the first person I've imagined having kids with. There were moments in my daydream where I wanted to say things like 'our kids would..' So not even that I want to bear children, but like he's giving off father-figure vibes. 

Mind you, we haven't even met or done a video- chat, so please indulge me. This girl needs a virtual win!

I like his voice. I like his interest in me. I like that he did a missions trip (mostly this!!). I'm not anxious in a bad way, at least not yet.

No, just enjoy it MER, no qualifiers!

I'm going to say it- I hope it works out!

Counting all the chickens! What slings and arrows will the Devil throw at me now!

Maybe that's what jinxing is all about; it's not about witches or counting chickens; if you vocalize things, the Devil hears you and knows how badly you want it; maybe he can't read our hearts and minds like God can, but when we publicize our desires, he ensnares them in his traps. 

So maybe I'll keep these thoughts in my heart where they will remain safe.

In other news, I do still think about some of the old Hinge guys.

Let's talk about bad stuff since the Devil likes to see me suffer.

I think Japple was maybe Dude 2 of 2 that I've ever been physically attracted to in that way. Like take my clothes off, physically attracted to. His eyes, words, and just physical presence, even virtually, really got my motor running. 

I think Dapple was just an effigy of every white bro I've ever had a crush on. FTG!

I was trying to remember where I last landed on calling this my second place life, but I can't remember. 

Sorry, gotta go to this meeting!

FTG!

 I just wanted to document my new favorite phrase. The named villain on The Bachelor upon being rejected after causing chaos immediately said, "F that guy!"  I've watched more than a few episodes of The Bachelor and the rejected women either cry, act confused or try to convince him to change his mind. Some behave badly but this woman was my she-ro in that moment. 

I'm paying more attention to how other people handless distress to help improve my distress tolerance. That one was golden! 

I feel like the verbal assault was appropriate. To me it immediately distances yourself from the situation; it calls it out, and it rejects it. She takes herself out of it and makes him the bad guy. She re-establishes her control of the situation. It's perfect. She's not a victim, she attacks the situation and doesn't blame herself or the guy. I feel like an F-U, is more of a personal attack. But just using 'that guy' just kind of anonymizes the situation... that guy is basically any guy or further, any situation. 

Kinda like a revised 'boy,bye!' Anyway, I love it!

I'd been struggling with two people in my life who like to call out negative things- like literally make a point to call it out after the fact, like remind me to tell you about this time you were wrong, or this time someone said something bad about you and let me beat you over the head with it; or let me cut you off and keep talking about my thing over and over; oh you're not responding?! are you listening to me... but I won't give you the same attention when you're in distress. So it became a power struggle. 

That was the wrong response, MERJ. I tried to give them a taste of their own medicine and wouldn't you know - they didn't like it. But it didn't change their behavior.  

So I'll just keep taking the good parts of people that I like and leave other people's bad behavior for themselves. There's no culminating event at the end of life for who stands up for themself the most! or who speaks up the most! or who doesn't get walked on the most! or who gets heard the most! or who is the most right!

I thinks this grey weather just confuses me. It affects my mood. But hey, I got baby step #1 done of my project. Whoo! I missed the window for a biscuit.

Other

Um, I tried to make chicken strips and 3 out of 4 times when I freeze and defrost chicken I get weird results. This was one of those times. It's like rubbery or tough or something. I think whatever fake food they are passing off as chicken just doesn't like to be frozen. I'm going to try to bake it and see if that helps. 

I feel free again having released myself from trying to passively correct these 2 colleagues' behavior.  Can't wait to see the long term effects on my psyche!!

I went to volunteer yesterday. I couldn't figure out what decision tree to use since it was in the evening (and I prefer day time) and the day was kind of gloomy (but ultimately didn't rain). Meh, I felt nothing. 

I think I decided to go because I want to establish a routine of Wed and Sunday outings or at the very least twice weekly around those days. So that's done.

I talked to a girl and wished I had gotten her number but the way we exited didn't lend itself to that. 

Do I believe in jinxing things? 

I'm not sure how much air time to give love interests on the app. Here's the thing, distracting yourself with another guy doesn't really make the old crush feeling go away, does it. I remember I started something with another guy because the one I really wanted rejected me. The person of interest married someone else and I still was with a guy I didn't like that much. It didn't make that old rejection hurt any less. And it certainly didn't make the person of interest more interested in me. I guess it distracted me from negative thoughts. So there's that. 

If life is the goal, then yes it accomplished that goal. 

Since the blogger at I Pick Up Pennies talks about her app dates, I might continue to do it too.

I think I don't want to look back on these old posts and remember things I tried to forget.

Oh well, new love interest is in DC. Actually thinking about writing about him is making me like him more. Oh, Silly Brain, how easily you are confused. Feelings.

Well if I were to romanticize him, he's obviously going to be my next husband.

So far what I like about him are:

- He thinks I'm cute and has said so a couple times (but somehow not in a cringey way)

- He was out with friends and still responded to my texts!

- He did a missions trips after high school! (Wow!)

- He sounds normal

Concerns

- I'm already starting to get anxious of figuring out the right amount to text him (ugh)

- It's stressing me out a bit, navigating the initial stages

- It's starting to feel high stakes and I don't even like him like that yet

(Oh, wait! Let me check my spreadsheet!)

- Is he hiding something - he seems a bit talkative; for some reason, I wonder if he's a recovering addict; has he given up on faith, why would he mention it if he had

- It kind of seemed like we were petering out, so I'm not sure what the revived interest in me is about

- I got scared to enforce my rules of 2 calls and a video chat before moving off app (it's so much easier with boys I don't like that much; but in the end I did; it works, I just need to stick to it.)

Sigh, it's raining so pretty safe to say no baseball tonight. What shall I eat to enjoy this beautiful day. 

Some Life Stuff

 When I was down in the dumps yesterday, I tried to have a talk with myself to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my year slash life. 

The categories on my mind were:

Job

FIRE

Friends/ Family

Socializing

Dating

The House?

I don't remember much. 

Job - I think I was trying to decide about my loose goal of job hunting. I'm still vacillating between trying to see how far I can go in my career and how much money I can make vs just laying low and taking these last few years as pre-retirement. 

So then I decided to identify my empirical objective. It's just living. "Living my best life" would be nice but given my history, living is ultimately the most basic goal. Anything that threatens that can't be a long-term objective. 

I'm still carving MERJ 2.0 so I'm trying to give myself the next 2 or so years as that trial and grace period to figure out what lessons I want to take forward and which ones I want to leave in the past.

So in the context of choosing life first, aggressively job hunting can't be a goal. It's fine for survival mode, but I'm trying to live and rejection is a known life-alterer for me. 

So while sometimes I wag a finger at myself for staying at Call Center #1 for so long (now that I know how good it is over here), I had to get to a good place financially before I felt comfortable quitting or attempting to move on. 

So yeah as for my current job or future job prospects, I'll do whatever is the path of least resistance. 

FIRE - not sure where I was about that earlier, but in this moment I feel immense gratitude for the moment. It gave my life some direction and a goal and bought me some freedom. It's a difference I would not have known. 

Friends/Family - I wish the outcome was different and I could feel what so many bloggers feel - that strong desire to be closer to family and quit their jobs to be closer and spend more time with family. In most contexts thought, family = kids. My extended family are fine on a prn basis. I have one or two relatives that I'm in semi-regular contact with and even that is enough and sometimes tricky to navigate. I'm putting less weight on those interactions and actively trying to give them less play time in my mental playlist. 

Socializing - on a preliminary basis, I find less anxiety in hanging out with the older retired ladies. There's no hemming and hawing and internal agony. So for as long as I have the option, I'd rather hang with the oldies. Even going to take a backseat to Bumble BFF. I'm hoping Meetup groups in my area will become more active again. 

For as much as I can control, I really want to try to do things twice a week, preferably Wed and Sunday. On Wednesday, I'd prefer during the day though. Like today there are evening hours for volunteering, it would just be easier to do it during the day. 

Dating/Apps - Continuing from socializing, I think I just thought if I just put myself out there all these things will happen. I'll get the social life I think I'm missing. I will instantly make friends. Just like on dating apps, I'd instantly find a husband. Nope. So I think with apps, I'm divorcing myself from the idea that I need to hang in there. It no longer serves my purpose. I choose life and these things threaten that choice. There's no prize for 'hanging in there.' There's nothing to prove to anyone. The apps are not for me. As my counselor likes to tell me, I'm not grand enough to change the conditioning of an entire society. That's editorialized a bit but same concept applies. 

I think I just need to keep checking in with myself and re-affirming that I have nothing to prove to anyone. The race I'm running is my own race. People are lapping me left and right and that's okay. Everyone is running their own race. I'm in the leanFIRE lane and it's a matter of circumstance and choice. FatFIRE is out of the realm of possibility. Millionaire status is not in my purview and will likely not happen, and that's okay too. 

I could get a higher paying job but it would require for Me to do tons of interviews and encounter tons of rejection for something that may take an unknown amount of time to materialize. That is not compatible with My Life and its limitations. And that's okay. 

I'll have to ease off the apps when I finally can, yesterday I was browsing to convince myself I wasn't missing anything and ended up on a call with someone. So there's that. It'll have to be a step down process to make sure I feel certain about it when I'm done. This time for good. I have enough evidence to prove that it wasn't the right fit for me. 

The only other thing I'm excited about is an Interracial Dating Event coming up in April. That one I would like to attend because at least everyone there should be open. But we'll see what the male pool is. I suspect it won't be in my favor, but I'm willing to spend the $20 to find out. 

Admittedly, I'm still toying with the idea of FWB. But I know ultimately the only way it'll work is if I'm not that into the guy and blech, who wants that. But the thought is still there just for some sort of consolation prize. Will I feel good about myself though or will it just reinforce Mean Brain thoughts that this is as good as it gets.  Ultimately, I'm looking for emotional support, so yeah FWB is the exact opposite of that. (See this is why it's good to have objectives!)

That's all for now!

2022 Spending Thus Far

 This post is mostly because I haven't done an expense report in a while. After the first year or 2, I think I just lost interest. Namely because my spending wasn't what needed to be controlled or managed. It was trying to increase my income! But I benefited so much from seeing other people's so I thought I'd do one for old times sake. 

Also I am stalling on doing the next draft of my document, so let's waste time on the blog!!

Expenses - $5,250

Home - As to be expected, home is my largest expense with more than 50% of expenses YTD. Someone again asked me about paying off my mortgage. With my mortgage rate < 3.5%, I'd rather put the money in the market. And my home costs so little that the margins on any calculations are so minimal that it makes any big moves seem like they can wait. I think when I originally was buying the house, my time horizon was 6 years where it would stop making sense to keep paying the FHA PMI on the house. So I have some time to figure it out. Not sure if I'll get mortgage rates this low again, but we shall see. 

Worth nothing, this also includes some home maintenance and supplies like furniture. The washer and dryer hasn't been added yet because it's on a card that I haven't paid off yet. 

Bills & Utilities - This is pretty standard and doesn't change much. Notably, my internet is going up by $10/mon eventhough I tried to call and get a new price. 

Food & Dining -  A little spendy with eating out but still overall within budget of ~$200/mon. 

Auto & Transport - this is mostly gas, apparently, I've filled up twice in March already, going where - who knows. There was also a 6-mon premium for car-insurance which also went up this year though nothing has changed. I finally got around to looking into the Safe Driver plug-in and found out my state is not eligible. 

Personal Care - I got my hair done for the low, low price of $265 with tip. This is when I thought I'd be actively dating for 3 months. That ship is coming back into the harbor. 

Misc - This is mostly my incidentals budget which is actually a line item in my budget spreadsheet but couldn't find the right category for it on the budget app. I don't want to put it under home because I'm loosely tracking Home as cost of home ownership. And these items are mostly for household goods that would be there even if I lived in a apartment - paper products, cleaning stuff, etc. 

Entertainment - mostly revolved around dating and socializing.

Gifts - I've been donating here and there.

Health & Fitness - there was a yoga class in there and I'm sure something else having to do with socializing. 

If you recall, last year (2021), I started with an aspirational spending target of $26k. Mind you, it's been that or around that since I started my FIRE journey and had yet to be reached. But then with COVID deciding to stay and me deciding to stay sheltered in place, I dared myself to a $15k spending target. And I did it! The lesson learned there was that being forced to spend less was not fun. 

So this year, I set a more reasonable budget of $30k which is what I was naturally spending in the year or two before my FIRE journey.

The other thing to keep in mind is my FIRE budget is based on a $20k annual spend. This a very lean budget but doable. 

So from a reasonable $30k budget, I am doing just fine. From a leanFIRE budget, I'm tracking behind. Oh well! 

So that's it folks. I've been checking the app to fight a little bit of boredom and some impatience. I mean if you count the equity in my house, I'm pretty much there, but who is counting. And if you count the available credit I have, I'm almost there. Oh well, not much else I can do now! 

I couldn't get the day back

 It's a little after 4p and Tuesday won. I couldn't get the day back. I woke up feeling down. I thought it was because of my meeting with my mentor but by 9a we'd cancelled the meeting and I couldn't get out of the dumps. I don't want to quit living like I usually do. I didn't take it that far. I mean the thought is always there but even when I was laying in bed I silently said to myself, this isn't real.

So what's different, I gave up on today but I'm not giving up on tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'll wake up and try again.

An even healthier person would not let a silly meeting ruin a day, but I'm letting it because this is progress. I'm not letting a silly meeting end my life!!!

I don't want to go softball. I don't want to do any of my work tasks. I just feel blah. I tried eating my feelings but it's not working. I even left the house to go get some chips. Now I just have a stomachache. 

Here are all the thoughts:

Why doesn't God love me?

Why didn't that Big Pharma gig hire me?

Why didn't that Small Pharma gig hire me?

Why didn't x,y,z boy of the day love me?

Why am I alone?

Why do I still feel poor?

Why is everyone living their best life? Why are they so good at life?

Wow, everyone I know is going to gross so much money in life. Sigh.

I can't beat anyone at anything. Sigh.

No one is emailing me. 

I emailed the lady at Big Pharma.

I emailed the lady at Small Pharma.

I am contemplating 3 bank bonuses. 

One for April, one for May, and one for 60 days.

My portfolio balances are dropping. 

Should I actively try to make friends? But if I don't actively try, it won't happen. 

Which mean boy from my past can I convince to love me?

I decided to resign from being a dissonant voice. The 2 people I talk to most are those that talk over me, like to have the last word, correct me, be disagreeable. And in order to be heard, I found myself adopting some of their bad habits. I'm not doing it anymore.

I guess my distress tolerance is low. I just would rather emotionally distance myself from whatever conversation I'm in. I'm pretty good at that when I put my mind to it. 

I think I'm doing well so far with keeping myself safe. The momentary lapse of hope I had of a more involved life has passed.

I just have to figure out what life looks like as a widower. The thing that has died is my companion, Dream Life. 

So far my current routine is work until 4p. Stay in the office enjoying the sun and pretending that area near the window is my sunroom. Stay there till 7p. Go downstairs and watch TV until 11p where I try to go to bed. For early spring, it seems to be going okay.

This week I hope to volunteer on Wednesday. I like the idea of Wed and Sunday being people day. Follows what it was like growing up in the church. Fellowship was Wednesdays and Sundays. That's been a tough mental inclination to shift away from. It worked.

So I'll try to construct post-FIRE life around that. 

There's a church near here in "my neighborhood" that I should visit. It was nice seeing that on people's blogs. People focusing on adding faith to their goals. Now that money is not the priority, I have to find new areas of focus.

So I think my model has to be retired ladies in their 60s. Because that's kind of where I am. They're living the life closest to mine in terms of socializing (?), desires (?). I think just overall life fatigue. 

I get to skip the boring middle - does that even apply to life or just FIRE.

But yeah no stage 2, where stage two is age 30 to 60 where you are raising kids.

I'm skipping right to stage 3 where life has beaten you down and you're trying to get the best value for time invested. I've always been an old soul anyway. 

I found a distress trigger!

 Oh my gosh! I woke up down low today and I couldn't figure out why! I was just fine yesterday! I mean yesterday I was celebrating my new FIRE high. A good thing too because it's tumbling down again! 

Anyway I woke up still in my bed and wondering why I just didn't want want to do today. I started feeling feelings of rejection - I remembered my recent job interview rejections. All of a sudden, I felt I could not be happy without Dapple (wha??!). I was even reaching far back to a boy who called me a weirdo. 

Then the meeting was cancelled and I felt better! Immediately. 

I literally don't even know what to do with myself. 

A Shift in Perspective

 It's funny how when you're not in acute distress how much clearer your worldview is. How do I stay in this safe rational place. I'm not necessarily happy..or even unhappy. I just feel sane and able to think rationally.

Things just seem surmountable. How do I stay here?

I think when I box people out or come up with my ten thousand decision trees on how to manage likely variables (e.g. humans), this is the space I'm trying to create but it's so much harder to manufacture it then just to find yourself here. 

I'm trying to think of how I got here. I don't know. I must have mis-identified the source of my unhappiness in the early years.

Because 

- I'm still working

- I still have low-grade body pain

- I still don't really have friends

- I'm single

- I mean just 2 weeks ago I was freaking out because a boy didn't text me back

- I'm still second guessing where I should live

So all the things I thought were ailing me when I started this journey 4 years ago seem to be still present. I don't know.

I think birth control hormones played a part in my mood shift. I started them in 2015 and ended them around the same time. If we're sticking with that story, I would say they heightened negative feelings. So they didn't cause them, but they magnified them.

And maybe they lingered?

Or is it the money?

I remember when I started working at Call Center #1, there was periodic acute distress from co-workers or callers. I just got this feeling that people wanted to vote me off the island. And maybe that spiraled into if I lose this job > I'll never get another job > I'll be poor forever.

I remember not wanting to hang out and "make memories" because, well, memories cost money and really who did I have to hang out with.

But I was working and my job was manageable. I remember having regular conversations with myself on what was possible. My job was manageable. Other people were leaving their "stressful" jobs to do my job. It was a good first job and the pay was adequate. My life was fine. I liked knowing how to do my job; it was very transactional; I liked knowing I didn't need to make friends with my co-workers to keep my job; I was an individual contributor in the most empiric sense of the word. 

So was it the job or the money?

I have a new job and I make more money. But even last year, I was thinking I wasn't sure I would make it to the end of 2021. But I could do that job too. I was definitely stressed, but that didn't make sense. I didn't have anything else to do - so I would just work. 

So do I hate working or do I hate Having to work for money?

I don't know.. when you're happy, it's hard to think about what ever made you sad.

I can't even deep dive into my history because my brain won't let me! Haha. It just wants to think about possibilities! 

So here goes a bunch of random thoughts.

I noticed this on my 401k plan today:

I've been at Call Center 3 since Jun 2020. So in under 2 years, I'm at nearly the same 401k balance as Call Center #1 where I was for 4 years plus time in the market.

That's definitely a factor of making more money*, plain and simple! Which is still weird to me because it doesn't seem like that much more. But I guess it adds up.

From a base salary perspective, I went from under $99k to $125k (avg). The bonus is a big difference. 

And the increase in employer matching helped too. Because they match regular pay checks and bonus separately! 

*Making more money at Call Center #3 means I was able to not just max out the 401k but contribute to after-tax as well. So I guess there's accounting for 401k options. I don't think that was an option at Call Center #1.

I started this post about 8 hours ago then I got pulled into a few things.

My colleague finally caught me in a weak moment and I'm now the proud future-owner of 3 pairs of Nike shoes at the low, low price of about $700 (total). Like the saying goes, a sucker born every minute! 

Actually that reminds me! I can take that credit card out of my pocket now. It's going back on Freeze and that's the end of my reselling empire.  It was a lot of rigmarole to maybe make $300 profit. 

I think I'm a bit more motivated to try to get that $700 back in Bank Bonuses.

I wasn't going to count it, but I'll repurpose that $200 cash back from the card I used for the $700 spend. So I just need to do $500 more in bonuses and I'll be made whole again.

I can do that.

And I'll pay for the $800 on the couch out of my regular pay. 

This afternoon I went to volunteer at the Food Bank, and it was a fine experience. The lady I volunteered with even offered to exchange numbers. Yay!

Browsing through the dating apps, I just no longer feel this sense of urgency or life-or-death ness.

I think I was just in acute distress over the recent rejection so the dating apps have lost their power over my life. Just like that. 

Homelessness

I brainstormed more about what to include in my homeless snack packs and even priced some items. When I ran out of ideas I did a quick Google Search and all the things I'd hemmed and hawed over was already in a nice list on someone else's blog. I think in the simplest snack pack, I can assemble items for $1.37/bag. So I'm setting a target spend of < $2/ bag with a goal of getting out 10 bags/month. So that's still around the $20/mon or 10% of my own food budget.

Then part of me is like ...OR just let the established organizations do what they're already doing. What does this actually solve. 

It's after 6p, I think my ramble is over. I'm starting to get antsy with my next deadline pending. I had a point when I woke up this morning. I'm almost scared of this hedonistic adaptation I keep hearing about. I want to feel this good forever!!

$495k - Counting All The Chickens!

 I didn't celebrate at the end of last year when FIRE was so close I could taste it. I was afraid, nervous, but also didn't want to count my chickens before they hatched.

Then the market started it's downturn and I never saw that high number again. I kept contributing and the number kept getting lower. Mentally, I still felt some release from financial insecurity but still wanted to really hit $500k even symbolically.

I'm still not there, but this time I'm choosing to celebrate. I even had an old colleague I was waiting to tell. She's the person I identified that would be the most genuinely happy for me and it wouldn't be weird between us. She is well off and comes from a well-off family. And I still wouldn't feel like my accomplishment was meager. And she's not my family who might look at me differently or other colleagues who I know are doing better than me and will surpass that tiny number. 

Anyway, why am I even waiting for someone else to celebrate myself!!!

So here you go! (Strangely, when I started this journey I never felt shy about sharing my numbers, but now that it's this coveted thing (even if only coveted by me), I'm nervous about baring my financial skin. I mostly feel like I'm going to be victimized in some way, but I'm doing it anyway.)

Yep! I had to capture that for posterity while the market keeps doing what it does. That's mostly due to our $20k bonus payment last week. 

How does it feel? Amazing!

Speed Dating and a Love Letter to My Future Self

 Earlier today when I was feeling particularly wistful, I wrote a love letter to myself. I promised her that her love was coming because why would she of all people be denied the very thing we were created to do! Impossible. If a red tailed baboon and an eel can partner and find mates, then who is she to be denied it.

I promised her that the effort she has put into seeking will be returned to her because why wouldn't it! It's not a matter of effort, it's a promise made to her when she was born. Conceived, even. The God she serves does not break promises right? 

Love is her destiny. It's not something she has to hope and pray for. She need not cry any more tears or feel any inkling of inadequacy. It's just not important. Those negative feelings are the stuff of fairy dreams. Love is not a dream. It's a life outcome. 

It's not for the lucky and it's not for the few. It's not for the "classically beautiful" (whatever that means) or the x or the y or the z. It's for everyone! It's not for the chosen people.

And the love she desires is coming.

It's not even about timing or circumstance.

It will not be even 0.5% less than the love she deserves. More than deserves.

It won't be a fat bellied man who beats her or assaults her or makes her anxious for his affection or leaves her wanting; it will not be a vicious, conservative military man who makes her beg for his attention and confuses her with inconsistent action or words; it will not be a divorced dad of many kids who is trying her out because the last one didn't work. It will not be a man 20 years her senior.

Her love will be worth the wait or else why was she waiting.

It took him a little while to find her because she was hiding. She was hiding from herself, from the world. She had left only a little room in her heart for him that even she couldn't find it. But this love, my dear, is bigger than that. It needed a heart big enough to contain it.

This love will not be complicated. That's the stuff of dramas and tragedies.

This love, dear girl, will be cool and refreshing, simple and sweet like the frozen strawberry custard cone of adolescence.

The only wonder you will have with this love is that you ever doubted its existence and it finding you. 

A Dating Roadblock disguised as Speed Dating

My dental hygienist recommended something called The Love Potluck. It's actually for adventists but I decided to give it a try. She said she went to one and met a few people that she was still communicating with. I didn't buy my ticket until 1 hour before the event because strangely earlier today and a little before my priorities have shifted away from this maddening dash to an arbitrary finish line of dating.  (Honestly, I myself am baffled that 3 months later we're still talking about this!)

I hemmed and hawed and after watching the video of the first marriage and always a sucker for a good love story, I bought the ticket. 

The event started at 7p. I even put on a shirt for this. Nine guys signed up and 30 women. No surprises there. Affirmed for myself that I made a good choice not signing up for other virtual speed dating events I'd seen on Meetup that had even fewer attendees. 

I thought at least I'll get to talk to some internet weirdos. Nope, apparently you can choose who you want to match with and with no matches apparently, the event ended for me. Fourteen dollars to be rejected. I love it. This time there was no picture so I know it's not because of my looks. It might have been my age. 

Old MERJ  would have sworn off dating and been down in the dumps, but I know My Love is coming and I won't have to jump through hoops to find him. The internet has been down and I didn't have much else to do today.

There's another event at 8p, so we'll see how that goes since I already have a shirt on. At least if there are no people signed up I'll know right away. And it was free. 

Friday Happened

 Life is better when you're happy! Yesterday was a great day. I like talking about it after the fact because no one can take it away from me.

There was a little snafoo of ghosts past but they get no more than a casual mention.

I persisted.

I did something in the morning that I don't remember. I think there was a meeting or two. I ran some errands online. Moved some money. There are some things I'm doing symbolically to solidify this pre-FIRE milestone. I talked about most of it yesterday. For example, moving all the money from Bank 1 to Cash Stash account just so it can symbolically be there in full. Then when I start churning bank bonuses, some of that money is going back in Bank 1. But I just want everything in its place before moving on. I just checked my balance app am I'm at $495k!!! That's the closest I've been on paper. 

At its highest my benchmark 401k from Call Center 1 was at $106k last year. It got to as low as $93k this year. Now it's back up to $99k. That is really close to where it started at $100k when the plan changed hands. So once it gets back to $106k, my aim is to lock in those numbers and move target date funds to index funds.  That will be my culmination event. 

I don't even want to think about what I will do to celebrate. Do I tell anyone? I'd originally planned to tell my mommy doctor friend because she's just one friend I've never felt competition with in any way, shape, or form. 

Anyway, it's just good to see my numbers go back up. I was prepared to not see them go back up until near the end of the year. 

Anyway that was this morning. 

Yesterday was the topic of the post.

I had my counselor appointment. We talked about anxiety, some feelings of rejection and abandonment.  I don't think I feel all those things. I'm still trying to understand why it irks me when people don't respond right away.  I think part of it is because people say "I'll get back to you" to mean they will call you back or to mean they'll never call you back. I hate that ambiguity. I shouldn't have to figure it out. 

I went to a nature walk with a Meetup group. Which I'm really proud of. It was with mostly retired ladies but there was a girl there younger than me with 2 kids. The ladies were really nice and the weather was sunny but not too hot. One older lady gave me her business card and that inspired me to reach out to two other people in the group and gave them my  number. I gotta start somewhere. 

I was so motivated after that, that I went to another meetup group for yoga. I was the only brown girl there. It's been so long since that happened that I was actually shocked. But because it was yoga and beer, there were some  alternative characters there.

Feeling like I had nothing to lose, I said Hi to the girl next to me eventhough she was actively trying not to look in my direction. We chatted casually and that got the attention of another girl passing by and I ended up with their phone numbers. Go me! I haven't done that in a while. Thanks to that old lady for making it seem like a thing I could do!

Then another couple said they were going to climb and let me tag along. It turns out bouldering is a thing. It's when you indoor rock climb without a partner belay. It was hard! I thought I could rock climb, but I can tell you, friends, I cannot. But it was actually fun to try.

It was so low key and there were other colored people at the gym that I even considered getting a gym membership. It would be about $120. I'd have to go about 10 to 12 times to make it worth it. 

I even considered getting a membership to the botanical garden which would be $40. I'd have to go 4 times to make it worth it. But I could see myself spending 4 lunch breaks there.

Then I wanted some Asian food but couldn't find what I wanted so ended up spending almost $20 at Food Lion to get shaved beef which is now $8, some jarred sauce $4+ and chocolates $4. I went for some terriyaki sauce that was $2.50 but saw the $4 sauce that looked darker and smokier. It was darker and smokier and I used quite a bit too much. A little goes a long way. After the yoga event, I almost went back to get the $2 sauce just because I already know how much to use. 

The thing I learned about dating apps. I decided to change my perspective. I realized the apps were just a place to meet people. Sometimes I let things take up too much space in my mind! It's just like going to a meetup or church or a bar or work. It wasn't going to be THE place I meet someone. It's a conduit to increase the number of people I meet. I think what I realized in the context of Carefree Katie is that the apps is the place I'm least likely to meet a romantic partner, but it's still a place. 

Just like Yoga and Beer in a military town. People there like to drink and smoke and get tattoos. It's not a referendum on me or them. It's just not where I'm Most Likely to meet my kind of friends or a romantic partner.

So the current runnings for the new name of Death House is Beach House, My House, Beach Cabin, Beach Shanty.

I think meeting people in the Old Ladies group who had moved here to retire helped remind me that's what I did too. It was just nice to hear and help validate my choice. 

So it was a pricey day because I bought my first $4/gal gas in my town. So about $80 in one day. The spending keeps going.

A friend of a co-worker encouraged me to go on some speed dating events so I'd like to try some this weekend. There are quite a few potential events this weekend that I'm thinking through. There are some in so many cities, I'm not sure what to do. I guess again statistically, DC is probably more likely to have single people my age than NC. 

I have some brewing thoughts about work stuff. A work colleague has been offered a job at $189k plus bonus and stock options. She's a go-getter and interviews well. 

It tickles my ambitious fantasy.

I hate that I can't celebrate my FIRE milestones outloud. I hate that ultimately, everyone that's still working will surpass me in earnings and net worth. I just hate that I never feel like I won at life.

It's all just a self-congratulatory win. And it will have to be okay. 

Ugh, Secret Love Strikes Again

 I took some pretty great pictures yesterday. They were mostly headshots so I was only able to use 1 or 2 on the apps. 

Yesterday was a little disturbing. I got off work around 5p and my internet refused to work until this morning. So eventhough my routine is mostly just watching streaming TV and scrolling through blogs until 11p, I felt out of sorts not being able to do either of these things.  Luckily, it's working this morning so I can continue to work. 

It's so funny, when I decide to make big moves on the app, I expect this grand response. I got bored in my area after I started seeing the same duds. So I switched my location to DC area on Hinge. At least I woke up this morning to 8 matches. That's 8 more than I've been getting.

I was excited...but alas... all duds.

I think something is going on with the algorithm. You know how you can tell - when you're shown duds. When I check my Burner Profile, she gets shown hot guys. Who also match with her. It hurts, everytime.

I want to ask my counselor today what to do. Can I really make this a goal? 

I applied for a few more project manager jobs and was promptly rejected.

Somehow this morning, I thought to reach out to a boy I crushed on in undergrad. It will be 10 years since we last spoke. I think I was inspired by a classmate's blog I stumbled upon. She reconnected with her h.s. boyfriend after 10 years and they got married. But she is white and they were actually in a relationship in h.s.

The boy I'm thinking of contacting is another Secret Love. Another boy I thought I could convince to love me with my award winning personality.

As I am still ruminating over the loss of Dapple as a love interest, it occurred to me that this love-convincing has always been my go-to. There's this unspoken idea that I'm not physically their first choice because I'm not a Katie, so if I could just convince them with my award winning personality, it would be okay.

But here's the thing, a lot of these crushes were from high school or college where we reasonably had at least a semester to a couple years to "know each other" and see each other everyday and thus they had ample opportunity to get to know me. And my conversion rate is 0%. 

So even my personality was not enough. That sucks. I never looked at it like that before.

So I think the takeaway here is ... if they don't like me right away (like normal relationships), there's no use trying to grow on them or convince them because it hasn't worked. That's just facts. 

There have been 2 people + Satan who have come back approx 6 months or more later only to realize I was the best thing that ever happened to them (hyperbole). 

I will say men really are lazy. 

I don't even want to get into it because I don't want to remember this.

But yeah, dating is taking longer and the results are hard to learn from. 

Do I stay on longer because what I'm looking for, factually, is uncommon? 

Did I already note on this blog that Kamala Harris met her white husband when she was 48 and married at 49. I don't want that. I don't know whether to be inspired by that or defeated. 

Do I just wait the 2 years that my brain is telling me to wait?

Do I just settle with a dud?

Do I settle and wait with a dud?

Or do I start framing my life the way I thought it would be when I moved into the House - solo.

So what do the next 20 years look like? 

Money Stuff

Before March came, I was driving myself crazy calculating and re-calculating numbers. It has been quite anti-climactic. Bonus day was great and seeing the actual net amount was awesome. I was grappling with what to do with extra money after I reached my FIRE goals - I decided to keep investing.

I confirmed for myself that I definitely need to keep FIRE Cash separate from my regular accounts. Once I see that money, it starts burning a hole in my virtual pocket. Weird, right. 

So I bought my second Savings Bond to hoard that cash.

I also for the first time in a long time have simplified my direct deposit at work. It's only going to 1 account this time. I'm trying to get to about $10k in my Regular account. My hope is to get to $15k (6 months expenses) in my regular bank accounts. I want that 6 month runway as I had before. Well my runway before FIRE was 1 year safety net because that just made the most sense as a single person who struggles to land jobs. But with a FIRE nest egg, 6 months should suffice.

So all that mental hemming and hawing and I'm back to just regular saving. I'm about $2k in my savings and hope to get to $10k. 

Any other investing is being done in my 401k as pre-tax and then after-tax once I max out pre-tax. So that keeps it simplified. Simplified got me here.

I still have to pay off the $800 on my credit card for the washer-dryer. And I think there are a few more things I want to get for the house. I have to renew my car registration. I have to take my car in for servicing. 

But now with most of the big money moves out of the way, I'm mostly just back to regular spending and saving like a normal person. 

I might pay off the $800 in one lump sum or pay it off incrementally. I have 0% interest for at least a year and the $800 will decimate my current savings balance of $2k.

So yes friends, I'm back to being a regular wage earner and spender and FIRE goals are safely in the background. I didn't quite reach $500k and I didn't quite reach the high end of the $40-50k stash I wanted for FIRE Year 1 and 2, but I'm comfortable with my progress and I think I'll get there eventually. 

Like most of my milestones, this was started with angst in survival mode and ended with a whimper. But hey, at least I reach them, right?

Now I just have to figure out the rest. Do I just start planning - or rather, continuing- my life as a solo person in retirement? Do I live the next 20 years as a hermit? Will that be the experiment - will I really be able to live 2 decades with minimal social interaction? Will that be the next goal - how long until I die of isolation and loneliness?

Let's not be dramatic. More women I know than not, just live without partners without anything theatrical happening. A life without a partner for the next 20 years will essentially be my life for the last 20 years except with money to meet my needs. 

Oh, MERJ, snap out of it!

Instead of a burrito

 I actually slept until almost 9a today which is a welcome cry from the 7a meeting times earlier this week. There was a nice rain storm in the middle of the night that awakened me but only briefly.

I've been having some weird dreams. I'm still so undecided about dating and the apps. I thought I was supposed to be done with dating at the end of Dec 2021. How did I end up back here?

It occurred to me that I could just use Bumble since I'm at least getting likes on there, albeit low quality. 

But I thought I'd already arrived that low quality matches weren't worth the risk of burnout. Why am I wasting my time with that. There really is no benefit and the risk is being treated poorly and rejection.

I finally donated to Ukraine efforts. Google made it easy. I did $15 and they matched my donation. I made it a little hard because I had to end up logging in on an account that already had my information. 

Work had made it easy as well but they didn't take all major credit cards. Oh well.

Then magically, the Food Bank was looking for people for next Monday and Tuesday. I was free Monday, so I signed up. I really hope I can get something more regular down. That was the experience I was going for. Structure is where I function best.

I'm trying to make my mind up about Softball. It was raining earlier but it's not supposed to rain the rest of the day. But we're starting practice late. So I don't know if I should go. Like most things in my life, I want to make a decision now and plan accordingly. 

Instead of a burrito last night, I bought a month of Paramount+. I watched the rest of the episodes of Amazing Race. 

I'm trying to do day by day, sometimes minute by minute the things that make me happy. I think it's the first time in a long time (not counting COVID) that I've had to force myself to get through my birthday month. 

I mostly just read through other people's blogs. What did I do before blogs?

Why does it still bug me when people don't answer my calls or texts or emails right away? 

Back to dating and the apps. I think I wrote last night in my bedside journal that if it was making me feel all these unpleasant feelings, I might just step down over the next few weeks and end at the end of the month. 

Life's Potpourri

 I went to bed around 11p and woke up around 4a. A little bit because I was too warm but also I was a little congested. I could still smell the smoke from last night. 

So softball is quite a potpourri of experiences and I mostly mentally check-out to get through it.

I was outdoors during pollen season. I was surrounded by people. Luckily, while there was a din of people and activity, it wasn't very loud. I was also supposed to be playing softball. Luckily, the coach doesn't take it too seriously and no one was especially chatty.

There was one guy that was trying to help me. When there's a guy-girl combo I feel like there's always an alert of - is this person interested in me romantically? Some of the white guys didn't even make eye contact, so that's a heck no. But this 52 year old black guy was the one helping me. It was innocent enough, then he asked me how old I was. I mean we all want to know, but because it kind of came out of nowhere, that was one telltale sign he might be interested. Ick.

He said don't wear a skirt, you're a ball player. Obviously, I'm going to wear my skirt again. Don't tell me what to wear. I'm pretty much just standing around. 

Then when he was coaching me to bat, he said things like... I'm not trying to touch you...I'm not trying to hold your hand. Are you just being overly cautious or are you actually trying to touch me and hold my hand. 

Money Stuff

I have spent much of the last 2 days figuring out how to benefit from the down market prices. I had purposed to lock in my old prices and switch all my target date funds to index funds because that seemed to be what the other bloggers do. But with everything down, it didn't feel right. When I did magic math one way and just looked at percentages of where the prices are now vs their 52-week high, it seemed like the potential to gain was higher than the total loss I was at vs my cost basis. But when I actually ran the numbers, I either came out in the same position in dollars or a little less.  Except for in my Roth IRA. The cost-basis there was so high.

The only new money I had being invested was going into my 401k. I didn't know I could allocate to something different without changing my past contributions. So right now, everything was being deposited into my target date fund. But as I was clicking around I found out lots of things! I could rebalance old contributions alone! I could also choose where each source of my contributions were allocated. So my employer, my employee, my aftertax...all could be designated to go to different investment options. 

I actually didn't fully appreciate it until this morning when I went to choose new investment options. I had bought an index fund thinking I had to do like 99% index fund and 1% target date fund for new money. But nope, I can fully just have all the new money go into the index fund! Ugh! I wish I had known. 

Oh well. 

Dating stuff

I don't like being on the apps because it makes me nervous and feel rejected. But I don't want to get off because once I do, I'll feel like I'm giving up and immediately want to go back on as though just by being on I automatically get dates. 

But what does this look like for MERJ 2.0.

How do I factor this in? What is reasonable to expect? What is my role in this. 

Fresh Rejection

Sometimes when my intuition is right, it makes me feel like I'm always right. I'm trying to hang on to Hinge for 3 months so I don't keep signing on and off. I want the next time I delete it to be the last time. 

I've paused my profile because there's only 1 slow burn on there that really isn't my type. If I'm following my dental hygienist, I'm really not physically attracted to this guy. Prior to this conversation in March 2022, I didn't even think I had the option to be physically attracted to a potential partner. I get what I get and I don't get upset. I've always just relied on personality because frankly those were all the options available to me.

I know it's still true because I have my Catfish Katie profile to remind me. I set her parameters exactly the same as mind and she's still at over 100+ matches even in my neighborhood where seemingly the well was dry. It's not. 

Then I was greeted this morning by an email that my 5-person interview led to nothing. They went with someone else. Good on them! I already knew these small time, too many people interviews don't end well for me.

So dating and interviewing continue to be my nemesis. 

I'm really grateful that they responded and I didn't have to email for the rejection or be ghosted. So, there's that! 

I finally set up my Walmart delivery. I just didn't feel like it last night. I was a bit weepy last night. Only 2 or 3 tears, but just overall blah. 

I decided I need to walk or talk at least every 3rd day. I technically did chat with a colleague yesterday morning but it wasn't enough. By about 7p I was feeling bad again. I'm trying my best to enjoy my freetime but it's better for me if it's sandwiched between something. 

I don't know what else to do about that. 

$100 Over Budget Already, Bonus, and other life things

 Last night in a particularly productive spurt, I updated my Walmart cart for a next pickup. Some things had been in there since the beginning of the year I believe. I think I wanted to do quarterly hauls but nothing had seemed urgent. So in that regard, maybe that's good for the budget.

Either way, by the time I was done, my cart was just under $100 and there were only 2 or 3 food items in there. I knew I had around $50 or less on my Everyday Expenses card so my progress was halted.

I waited until this morning to make the transfer from savings to my card. If you recall, I have a $400 monthly allowance for expenses such as these. In past years there is usually a month or 2 where there is surplus that gets transferred to savings. That has not been the case so far this year. 

So I will be at least $100 over this month. I'm not too concerned because the Card has done it's job. It curbs my spending; gives me opportunity to reflect and re-assess; and still gives me freedom in the budget to buy what I want without feeling restricted. Luckily, I get another $200 infusion soon. Also, another point, I like having the monthly amount provided in 2 infusions of $200 vs 1 monthly infusion of $400. 

Oh the games our minds play with us.  

Work

I'm currently in a 2-hour meeting that started at 7a. Yowzers! It's the first time I've had to set an alarm for the year. It's the first workday after the time change and it's a little rough! The sunrise colored sky helps to ease the sting. 

Life and Dating

After my post yesterday that touched on my housing situation a little, I found myself with a little housing envy. I checked apartments in my old neighborhood and I checked condos and townhomes for sale. Somehow $200k seemed a lot more manageable than it did 2 or so years ago. I don't know if that's a testament to my current job or my current financial situation. 

A guy I did 2 short phone calls with sent me a message on Hinge yesterday that he's pursuing someone else. I kinda wish I hadn't checked it before I went to sleep. Brain told me not to. Thanks, Brain! I think I really do have good intuition and instincts if I would only listen.  It didn't hurt my feelings all the way because it wasn't someone I would typically date but I haven't gotten many matches. It's so funny, the last couple guys that I wasn't that interested in and begrudgingly went along with the match turned out to not want me. Ha! 

We have the answers to a lot of our questions, if we would only listen or believe them when the messages come. 

Feelings and Health

Hurt feelings: somehow someone in our lunch group was inspired by someone else and bought concert tickets. That hurt my feelings because I have been feeling like an outsider in the group. 

Health and Routine: I was reading another blogger's goals and updates. She mentioned being in a bad place and added a routine on advice of her therapist. I had a counselor who had pointed out that I benefit from structure. But I've tried several times to structure and schedule my days but can't seem to stick to it. The most I can do is try to go to sleep at a regular time. It was 9p and has now moved to 11p. And when I was eating spicy food, I tried to stop eating by 6p but that has mostly fell to the way side. I don't eat late often but it's not something I do or don't do intentionally. Or maybe it's just habit now? I don't know.

The other thing a lot of people do is focus on health. I've tried to schedule walks and online health videos but can't seem to motivate myself to do it.

I think at this point in my life, I'm driven by necessity mostly. Long-term health just hasn't been something that is enough of a driver for long-term goals. 

Bonus and More Money Stuff

I checked to see if payslips were posted yesterday and they were! So out of a $32k gross bonus, I got $20k in net pay. That's amazing! That's like a second job! That is pretty much 1 year of post-FIRE Cash. I was trying to save $30k this year, but I think I'll just stash the $20k and be done with that goal. 

Not to count my chickens, but I think I'm done with that Hoard Cash goal for now. 

I'd like to keep a 6 month runway in regular bank accounts across all my buckets with a lean toward getting to a 6-month runway between just regular checking and saving.

As far as the perceived $10k shortfall, I'm reminded that you can technically take out Roth IRA contributions, so that's an option if needed. Also, I'm leaving a little bit of breathing room in my regular paychecks starting in April.

I've been wanting to invest in the down market so I can feel part of the noise. So while I'm not in taxable brokerage accounts, I have to remind myself that frontloading my 401k means that I am in the market! And I think I'll be going back to after-tax 401k contributions starting in April as well. 

I wanted to simplify my allocations to just index funds rather than target date funds but I'm waiting for the market to go back up. How can you buy low and sell high when you're working with the same money. 

Overall

Still adjusting to my new perspective on where I am in life. Of course, some of my Brains are trying to challenge and reject it so there will likely be some slipups. 

I kind of want to take a break from just thinking or talking about dating or meeting new people. It all feels like too much pressure. 

2022 State of the Union

 So as we all know I've been struggling with feeling like the last 20 years have been a colossal miss.  I don't know if I spent too much time being sad; playing the comparison game; lamenting; trying to reclaim the life I thought I should have had. I don't know. But I just get the feeling I could have handled it better.

Let's recall what exactly happened. I graduated from a high school I didn't particularly enjoy with an experience that wasn't exactly what I thought it would be like either. It was nothing like the movies. I thought college would be my ticket out of Disappointmentville. I started at Dream School and had to quit because...immigration.

That seems to be where I get stuck so this morning I looked back and tried to figure out what Dream School meant to me because to me that's just where it all went wrong.

So I wrote down what Dream School was:

Dream school = dream life = dream friends = dream life = dream life = dream life = happiness.

I don't really know.

I think Good school meant good friends = good job = good life outcome = good husband = good house... but I think these are things that I now assign to "good." I don't know what 17 year-old me thought was going to happen when I went to Dream School.

But once I had to leave, it was like I could never be happy again. I just knew without that Dream Degree and Dream Experience, life wasn't worth living?

But that was the most salient turning point for me. It was supposed to be an out; a reward for my hardwork; reparation; it was just the panacea for all things bad that I felt happened to me.

So I spent essentially the next 20 years trying to recreate that experience or the perceived feeling; when it wouldn't happen, I would resign myself to whatever reality I was living and convince myself life wasn't worth living. 

I'm trying not to do that again in Death House. 

But I think even continuing to call it Death House is another dig at the loss of Dream Life. 

Life isn't worth living, so I'm going to die in this horrible house. I refuse to be happy or invest any emotional connection in this community or experience. 

But I turned 38 and I think I have 20 more years to live. It can't be like the last 20 years of just replaying regret and disappointment over and over again and living in that narrative of this forgotten, second choice life. (But isn't that reality?)

If I actually try to assign measurable objectives to Dream School in hindsight, maybe this is what I hoped for:

- A good school meant a good education which meant a good job which was a conduit to meet my basic needs and pursue my desires (yet to be determined).  A good school also meant good friends that might serve as a resource, or inspiration, or support down the road. 

The thing is it didn't have to be that particular Dream School. What I didn't know at the time was any number of schools could have provided that outcome. 

I was stuck in the fantasy of The One (not just with love, but life choices it seems). 

When I was stuck in my latest boy-crazy-haze, I stumbled upon a video clip that looked mathematically at finding love and they sort of disproved the notion that there was Only One person you could love or that would have common interests and enough to sustain a long term romantic relationship. If you put all the things you're looking for into a formula and even filter for geographic location, there are hundreds of thousands of people that you would be compatible with. And in the theory that love is a choice, finding a romantic partner to do life with doesn't need to be this impossible task. But I digress.

I think for me people and their life choices are good for me to get ideas. I won't refute that. I don't know why we're so quick to dismiss comparison. It's what we all do. We use each other as measuring sticks. That's not going to change. Where I got stuck was feeling like I didn't measure up using someone else's life as a measuring stick. Or even my own ideas of what I thought "good" looked like based on that.

Let's not get too woo-woo. 

I still had this picture of at least my single life...of living in a cool condo in a cool city and doing cool things if I wasn't going to be married with kids. 

Condos were expensive and I couldn't afford it in my last neighborhood without feeling like I had to work more. By the time I was looking for a new place to live, FIRE was already a part of my life, and the numbers didn't make sense for what I was trying to achieve at the time. 

I think in that Cool Condo Dream Life, I was trying to achieve the sense of Arrival. I made it. Look at me! Celebrate me! I did want to be active and social and do it in a way where I wasn't pinching pennies. So maybe that was residual from being young and broke and not really having my life figured out. 

So maybe my making fun of cheap house is because I'm a bit embarrassed I can't afford anything nicer. Maybe it's all armor? I didn't even know that until right now. 

Whatever. How do I make the best of MERJ 2.0.

It's not the pressure of a 'better' version, just a new version. 

When I sussed out what I really wanted in my current life it's:

#1 Financial Stability

I've mostly achieved this at the Lean FIRE level, but I want to continue to maintain it. The RE part of FIRE surprisingly has shifted to the background for the time being. I have reached a level of financial stability that makes me finally feel like I can come out from under the dark cloud; not feel so afraid that everything will be snatched out from under me and I'll be homeless and poor and dependent on the whim of others.

So what does financial stability mean to me in this moment?

- No/minimal dependency on family, friends, or employer (not subject to the whim of others or having to compromise myself in a deadening way; feeling like I have no out; just that fear and anxiety that comes with relying on the whim of another human and having to toe that line; it's a a level of oppression that is frankly scary and not a place I ever want to be)

- Emotional and physical security (sure my money doesn't keep me warm at night in a romantic sense, but it keeps the lights and heats on; it gives me shelter; I never have to depend on the whim of another person to have a safe and comfortable place to live; I don't have to risk assault or violence just for safety; there is a sense of emotional stability that comes with achievable self-reliance; it's stressful having to work for money)

- Money to meet basic needs and pursue silly desires (for the most part this is basic needs like food and shelter, and silly things like eating out or traveling or getting my hair done)

#2 Community

What does this look like? 

I had no real plans to build community here when I chose this house. I just came here to save money and get to 500k as quickly as possible and figure it out from there. So I still struggle with whether or not I can really build community here. I'm still turning up my nose like I did at community college because it wasn't Dream School. This "Death House" isn't my Dream Condo Life either. But can it be? What does community mean to me at this point in my journey.  

This is what I'm looking for:

- Emotional support (consistent, reliable, local, prioritize me)

- People you can count on (no flaky friends, someone who will drop everything to help me, not just will but actually can because they don't have prior obligations that prevent this)

- Positive influence (this is just like when you're little; I want to surround myself with people who are doing things with their life; achieving goals I can relate to; make good choices; doing big things; building me up; leaving a legacy; I like being around people who are doing things I admire or aspire to; so people who can help me reach goals, pursue desires, and learn new things; not a threat to my financial stability)

I don't know if I should put a timeline on it with a plan of it doesn't happen say by Dec 2022, I need to bounce. That's a lot of pressure... or if this is more, see if it can work here. Can you achieve those outcomes where you are.  People live here, so I feel like the answer must be yes.  My initial thought is these people just aren't like me, so I doubt it. But that's why I wanted to enumerate what I thought community would look like. Because it won't be highly polished people living in a condo. It might be the guy with no teeth on my softball team. 

The point is, some of the people I went to community college with after I left Dream School did go on to live lives very similar to mine but I wrote them off. I don't want to make that same mistake.

I guess I'm hoping I can find that community here. Like I said people live here, it's not a ghost town. I'm hoping I can find community here and this list essentially serves to help me identify it if I do find it. 

Am I someone who cares what people think?

 I didn't think I was but lately I'm starting to wonder. When my teammate rolled their eyes at my Netflix queue the first time, it bothered me. But I just doubled down. 

I find myself wanting to make excuses or trying to make light of the situation and I have to actively stop myself. 

People are rude especially one lady. Doesn't mean I have to be. You can have your preferences. No judgement. I learned that from my counselor.

I just talked to a personal colleague and I was going on about wanting a white husband. I sensed some tension with her because she in fact does not have a white husband. I think she's had white crushes before and it's something I thought we'd joke about. But I almost felt like I offended her. I remember in a previous conversation not wanting to joke about it because it was like an understood thing. I'm not sure why I said it freely this time but she questioned it.

I think I was just doubling down on trying to avoid other people's triggers that I just wanted to be free myself. There are so few things I already feel like I can speak freely with her about that I think I just wanted to talk about this one last time because I'm kinda done asking for a white husband. 

Anyway, I was like sorry if it's not what you want to hear or something. Kinda still not sure how it was landing (why was it rubbing her the wrong way so?). And she just kind of brushed it off like well you're the one who has to live with him.

It was just weird. I think it bothered me that it bothered her. It's something that was just meant to be funny.  Anyway, I'm not sure where I was going.

I have no real big goals or plans for my 38th year of life.

I think I'm just trying to enjoy this 1 year sober period. Sober from being overworked and stuck on this FIRE journey. Sober from aggressive savings and churning at work to make as much impact as possible to make as much money as possible. I'm on a path of liberation and it's evolving and it's uncomfortable and I'm confused and reassessing constantly. 

I feel free but conditionally. So it's hard to know how much to extend my arms in celebration. I think what I did learn from aggressive savings and reaching some milestones a little early is that I don't have to to figure it all out right now. 

The uncertainty is uncomfortable. It's not where I do my best work. 

I don't have to assign long-term or residual meaning to every single instance. I think that's what I'm learning. All my life experiences don't have to shape me and mold me. I think I'm learning my core is pretty steadfast. The rest is more fluid than I originally thought. My interests can change seemingly on a dime or they can be longstanding. I still like a bargain. I still give people way too many chances. I still shy away from people who share their affection and attention in an inconsistent way. I still think I'm a prize and the rest of the world should act accordingly. 

So Love isn't in the cards for me right now. Maybe it won't be but I don't have to know right now. And it certainly doesn't have to be the thing that devastates me because I don't have it. It doesn't even have to matter. I don't have anything left to prove or disprove. I have no one else to answer to on earth. No one. Not one.  I am learning to just be. 

Like with other aspects of my life - do the thing that matters the most right now. It's a new shift in thinking. I have to fully realize it's not the way it's been. 

But I've arrived here and I don't know the code or the secret passageway for another way of life. The rest is yet to come. 

Yeah, that's it

 So my workday is winding down. And yeah, Secret Love, that's how it ends. I was planning to play hookie from Softball tonight and loaded up on some snacks. Then they cancelled it. That's way less fun, haha. 

It's cold and wet, perfect snuggle weather. I got chips and popcorn and Chinese food. I didn't think twice about getting the Low Sodium chips but yeah you can tell the difference. 

I'm trying hard not to harp on the datelessness of tomorrow but alas it's a thing that is happening. I mean really, this ended in 2021 so this is residual. There was never meant to be a date for my birthday.

I have resets through out the year, anyway. My birthday is one. Then 4th of July (Independence Day), then my half birthday, then the end of the calendar year. So I'm rounding the dating saga to 2021. 

All good things for 2022.

It's all a blur anyway. I'm rewinding to the part where Dapple said he wasn't interested in starting anything long-distance and I unmatched him. So the last 3 months never happened.

Moving on..

I forced myself to do some things on my to-do list that I was saving for next week.

I put in sick time, I logged volunteer hours, I did my performance goals; I got lunch; I registered for CE credits for the year; I bought an iPhone charger for my work phone; I finally bought my washer and dryer!!; I updated my W4 withholding to withhold for an extra $10k as that's about how much I had from interest and capital gains in 2021; I originally had $5k but decided to up it.

All of that took until about 1p today. 

What if I just decided to love my life. I'm trying to enjoy the time with myself and just pretend I'm in early retirement because really what would be different? 

Maybe after March is over, I'll reach back out to the food pantry. Right now, the weather has been grey and I just want to be indoors.

I lost whatever momentum I had for going out and socializing and meeting people. In theory, I have the next 20 years. 

But imagine a life free from worrying about Secret Love! A life free from worrying about friends! 

I almost wish I could get into fitness or travel. I've had the most free time I've ever had and I can't seem to figure out how to fill it. So maybe I just float down lazy river. 

37 Years

 So today is my last day as a 37 year old. Wow. What have I learned? Should I reflect?

Most of the time I just feel like I'm living the same nightmare over and over again.

Other than school and finances, everything else just seems out of my control. And I just have to deal.

It's a rainy start to the day which means softball is probably cancelled. It rains a lot here this time of year, usually  in April I thought but I guess it's starting early this year. 

This does not bode well for the season. 

I've already kind of lost momentum. 

But I'm choosing to be happy instead of resting in my grumbles.

I'm struck by the goals sheets I have posted on the wall in my office. It really helped to keep me motivated.

There has to be something there I can apply to dating. I just can't figure out how. 

I want to think back to the job hunt and that turned out to be a fiasco. It was a lot of dashed hopes and broken dreams. I think the lesson there might be that I've been most successful with referrals or an in somehow. 

Looking online was wasted effort. Seemingly fruitful but ultimately led to nothing. There were the 2 I opted out of so we'll never know if I could've gotten it on my own. 

So who has the "job" I want. Because that's what happened. My uncle and aunt got me jobs at their company in my late teens and early 20s. And 2 classmates got me jobs at call center #1 and call center #3. 

I want a white husband, so maybe I need to reach out to people who have white husbands.

But Facebook just disabled my account, so I don't know how else to find people to reach out to.

But then the last 3 girls I know that got married met their partners on apps, only 1 was a white husband though. Hmmm. I don't know. 

On the other hand, Satan reached out to me on the app. So maybe this means my person is right around the corner. I read somewhere that sometimes Satan will get in the way of your answered/delivered prayer to confuse you.  

I'd love to say I wasn't tempted and haven't thought about it. I hesitated to even give it space on the blog but I was tempted and I did think about it. I really wanted a romantic date tomorrow and that was almost nearly a guarantee. Either that or he'd murder me. And I was willing to take that chance.

I'm going to die alone anyway, Mean Brain tells me, might as well go out in style. 

Mini Check-In

 I don't know who decided that I just needed to be sad and defeated. I don't know who decided I needed to fall in love all of a sudden. I don't know who decided that if your dreams don't come true, life is no longer worth living. I don't know who decided we were made to chase dreams in the first place.

Who makes these decisions? Who upturns our world, so?

I don't know who decided I couldn't just be.

Feelings just are.

MERJ just is.

No good, no bad.

I just am.

Money stuff - Do I Keep Saving?

Can we please celebrate the money stuff! This long-term goal has been accomplished. Do you remember 2018? Do you remember walking out of a Moe's because you didn't want to spend the $12 for a burrito bowl because it just felt that much further away from your goal? Do you remember being stingy to family members. You'd probably have a better car by now. Does it even matter? Life just is. 

Sometimes you get what you deserve, sometimes you don't. Sometimes, life make sense. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes things come back around, sometimes they don't. We're all so apt to believe that you can't time the market and just stick with your investing plan. Know your risk tolerance, be conservative, be risky. Invest in real estate. No, index funds. Crypto! Set it and forget it. Diversify! Self-manage. Optimize. Pay someone to manage because you don't know better. 

I know there is a love-investment plan out there for me, but I just haven't found it yet. 

I unofficially reached my FIRE number 4 years ahead of schedule. Can we celebrate that for a moment.  Unofficially of course because I have yet to see that number on my balance sheet. But the aggressive saving part of my early retirement journey part is done. I'm hopeful with all the markets twists and turns that I have enough invested that I'll see that number sometime this year (2022). 

Here's where we landed last.

For the two paychecks in March, I'll keep contributing 50% pre-tax. Forgot about the 3rd bonus check, which will be at 6%. So I'll max out pre-tax even sooner.

Then from Apr to December:

- $1250/pp - for everyday expenses (for a target annual spend of $30k or less)

- $250/pp - to top up year 1 cash

That leaves the rest which is about $1900/pp. Do I keep saving? 

Admittedly, this is a good problem to have. I wasn't sure what to do. With the current down market, I obviously want to be a part of that. I could save as cash, invest in a taxable account, or invest in my after-tax 401k. 

The easiest choice is to choose the after-tax. It's tax advantaged so that'll save on taxes this year. Right now, that's the default because I haven't really explored what my life looks like with more cash flow.

There is a part of me that thinks I should probably have a healthier savings because I don't even want to look at FIRE money as part of my everyday pot.  So I think that's why instead of doing say the 36% I estimate to have available for after tax, I might loosen up and do something like 30%.

I'm leaving room for a little leak and reassess as I go along.  My overseas family tends to need big sums periodically.

I've also thought about giving more to them. Thinking somewhere between 6-9k/year. We'll see. 

Volunteering

I forgot to remember that I live about 90 miles from my old neighborhood. I'm still signing up for stuff there like it's local. I just cancelled the volunteer event I was going to help out with next Saturday. I checked the distance and it was 100 miles. What the heck! 

I think part of me is toying with the idea of moving back there. Can I afford it? What will it do to my time horizon?

Even beauty can grow out of manure. I'm here now, there's got to be something here other than reaching my FIRE goal faster. 

Dating

How did I get here. I got confused somewhere along the way. I had all this free time and I finally had space to think - not work or worry about money and I landed here. I seem to think happiness is only tangible if it's witnessed.  I just watched Meskina and maybe this princess doesn't need a prince. I seem to make life choices depending on the latest show I watch, so maybe that's my theme for awhile. 

I think since I stumbled upon FIRE a little late in the game, I'm afraid that that there's some cheat code to love and I won't find it until it's too late.

I've tried prayer. I've tried dating apps. I've tried doing what my friends do. I've tried to be different versions of myself. I went on a few blind dates. Those actually worked the best for me. All two of them. 

Where's the book on the Simple Path to Love? 

I think the only goal or plan left for me is not to delete Hinge for 3 months. I give myself permission to fully hide my profile though. 

The thought I recently had was when did it become such high stakes. One wrong word or text or action, and you lose the prince forever? That's a lot of pressure. What they said in Meskina that I'd never considered was... the princess that gave up her voice to get the prince (I'm looking at you, Ariel) or that could only be awakened by a kiss. 

But I'm fully awake and I have a voice. So does that mean there's no prince for me? When will my story be written? Will it find me? Or do I look for it?

Other

This morning I woke up all set to delete Facebook and the apps and just return to my normal life. Then I checked Hinge and realized I wasn't blocked after all. So then I got confused. I went to McDonald's instead and got a biscuit and an Egg McMuffin. There was  a homeless man on the way home. I should have shared one of my sandwiches, but I didn't. One day, soon. Then I thought, this just might be my life. Why don't I just enjoy this instead of trying so hard to be unhappy.  It's like Snow Day + Ground Hog Day in one.

This is my life now. It just is. I can't skip to the end because I don't like the beginning. I can't fast forward to the next chapter because I want to see what's next. I just can't. I've tried. 

In Which MERJ Becomes a Stalker...Again

 You may not know this but in my younger days, all my crushes ended with me stalking them. This was before Google was a thing and before Facebook and other social media. It was good old-fashioned word of mouth. 

When I like someone, I just want to throw everything at them. You must like me.

Today I was filled with deep deep desire to book a ticket to Seattle and get a room and go on a date. Then oh yeah, no one has even asked me out on a date.

So now I'm going to ask Dapple out. 

This is a part of my process. I need to be rejected so badly it stings and I can't come back from it. 

I did it with the last boy I liked. I did it with the boy before that and the one before that.

This leaves too much room for interpretation and hope. 

On Friday, I begin my new life as MERJ 2.0 or at least the beginning stages. The apps have been unkind to me. More harm than good. Maybe I'll try again in April. I'll try my best to stick around for 3 months. At the very least, I at least hope to not delete my profile until end of May. If anything, I can keep it to Hidden. I think restarting messes up my spot in the algorithm. 

I might have some fun as Catfish Katie for a few days. She has way more dates and fun than I do. 

So yeah, I'm not defeated, just tapped out. 

Gotta get my jollies somewhere. I'm sorry, Dapple, for the stress and anxiety this is going to cause you. 

45 minutes later....

I can tell you unequivocably that he has blocked me. So, it's confirmed he's not secretly in love with me. Ouch! He's not going to show up at my volunteer event next Saturday and profess his undying love for me. We're not going to rendezvous 3 months to 1 year from now. Wow. That happened.