More Monday Mumbles About Dating

 Gosh has it only been a few days or a week since my last dating debacle. I feel like I've suffered for a century. These weekends really are getting harder to sit through. I wish I could just enjoy them like a normal person.

I remember being in college all those years and just wishing for weekends without a test or paper looming. 

I was on Bumble BFF and a girl wanted to meet up and gave me her number. I immediately felt pressure and I wanted to run away. It makes me think that's what must have happened with Dapple. I spooked him. It just felt instantly so much pressure. 

I get it. And I know it instinctively and I know not to take it personally. But easier said than done. What's funny about the situation with Dapple, the things I never got to say, is that I also don't like texting and calling. I find it stressful, disruptive, and anxiety-ridden. Yet when he didn't want to text or call me, I was offended and equated it with lack of interest. The internet never lies and neither do rom-coms. And they all say when a guy is into you, he'll want to call and text.

So I don't know. I get spooked when people move too fast or ask me to hang out even though it's the thing I want. Yet, I wasn't willing to extend the same grace to Dapple. I don't get it. I feel like I have to force myself to do these things. 

The issue I have with calling and texting is I'll have all these contacts and my phone never rings or beeps. So every single minute just feels like a rejection. 

But then here's this girl that wants to text and hangout and I immediately want to run away. What is that about?

So if this were dating, am I not that into her? What about it is making me so anxious? 

And my adult cousin is going to be in town in March. She has tried before to get me to call and text her. And now she's going to be in my area. Obviously, she wants to visit. I'm spooked again. But yet it's the thing I want.

I don't understand what my problem is. 

We spend so much time as a society focusing on what men want, but women feel the same emotions. I get spooked. I want you...until you want me back. I want to hang out..until it's actually time to do so. I think what's confusing is that I don't always feel this way about everyone. 

So then does it go back to the whole 'not that into you.' Are we that simple or are we that complex? I don't know. I didn't want to give out my new number because I don't want people calling me. But then no one's calling me and it's making me sad. 

I think I had more in common with Dapple than I thought.

I made a spreadsheet last night to help with dating. I hope it helps. It's mostly to help me manage my anxiety. Honestly, I had something similar with Dapple, and it helped a little bit until it didn't. The notebook was not accessible to me during the last month, and that made it hard. 

So I'm using this spreadsheet, I'll have to share a screenshot. I'm trying to use the past as learning opportunities, just like the internet says to do.

I already have my first subject. I'm scared of the rigidity. When things don't progress as I have them on my the spreadsheet, that might cause more anxiety. But mostly, it's designed to serve as a check-in with myself since I don't really have good objective guidance. This is my journey and my potential partner is on his own journey. The generic advice hasn't really helped me. No, thanks internet! It was too much information and it wasn't always consistent. 

So even with Potential Partner, I suggested a date idea, but now I'm already starting to feel scared. Like ugh, now I have to get dressed up and make conversation. I immediately want to bolt. This was part of the appeal of long-distance, not this immediate pressure to meet up. Then I lost my mind. When you're sending messages at 3a, that's not a good sign. 

Brain, why you so crazy. I have to stop beating myself up about this. Honor your journey. Honor your path. 

Restless, Moody, and Rejected

 Don't you wish for once my posts would just be happy and happy and happy! Yeah, me too.

I have been losing my mind over this dumb boy. Japple has faded a bit and now I'm obsessed with Dapple. Do boys feel this level of angst as well.

I'm convinced dating is a losing proposition for me without a strong support system. I need someone to obsess and analyze with. Or maybe I just need someone that's really into me. 

I've decided that Bumble in my area is mostly tradesmen and underemployed people. They seem to have no problem messaging me. But let someone with a job be on there... crickets. I paid the $20+ to see my likes on Bumble and it was a great start. I think with such unlimited swiping most of the dudes just swipe everyone. 

Lame. 

I have met 2 potential friends. Like actual girlfriends.

As much as I hate the game, there is something alluring when someone is not that available to you. I don't know what it is. And I hate doing it, but it works on me. Don't pay attention to me- I want you more. Pay too much attention to me - don't you have a life?

Then in the next breath I'm complaining, why doesn't this person like me!

I need help!

So that's literally been the last couple of days. I don't think I'm doing Match and E-Harmony right because no one is even viewing my profile. Do I have to pay? You can't really do anything without paying. And since I'm getting such minimal or low quality matches on the free app, I'm not that tempted to pay to be rejected. 

There's just something about rejection that makes you want the thing more. I guess that's not true. I still want Dapple or at least to feel understood and like you Definitely don't want me? Just to confirm. You've considered how amazing I am in all my many facets and you still don't want me. You sure, sure?

Knowing your worth is overrated. Sometimes I want the fantasy, and other times I just want someone, anyone. 

Now I'm fantasizing about going to Seattle. Should I have just gone in December like I wanted? Would we be together? Would he still not want to text me though? That would be hard to maintain long distance, I'd think. 

But obviously, after we met, we'd fall in love and either I'd move right away or he would love me so much, he'd call and text all the time.

I just can't understand someone not wanting to communicate with the people they love. At least initially. I'm picturing stoic fathers and quiet fathers, which I guess is a thing. But is it a thing that was allowed to happen. I think even stoic fathers must have written letters in war time, right?

Do people who don't like to text or call, join dating apps? Or date at all? No, right.

You can't have it both ways. Logical brain knows the truth, but Wishful Brain is trying to strong arm me. 

It doesn't help that my financial balances are down, my arm still hurts, I have a bunch of work due tomorrow, I have interviews this week, and oh yeah, I don't have a penpal anymore.

Why did we think this was a good idea? In both scenarios, I'm still alone. I don't feel less anxious. 

I'm tired of being sad. 

A Biopsy and Fresh Hot Tears!

 I decided just to cry for the next 48 hours. I just had an ultrasound guided needle biopsy. It was painful to get the numbing medicine. Isn't that ironic. I have to keep the dressing clean and dry for the next 48 hours. They were an hour behind. I was getting worried about a meeting I had at 11 and a doctor's appointment I had at 10:50a.

Having a phone was helpful. I called the doctor and rescheduled for later this afternoon. And I let my colleague know I would be late. 

MERJ is an adult!

By chance a colleague mentioned enrolling her kid in T-ball. He has the best life so I always jokingly try to emulate it in adult life. Anyway, I did a quick internet search for adult softball and I actually got some results for my county. So I'm investigating getting involved in some adult sports.

In my spree of Operation: get out of the house, I also signed up for a Food Bank and a Walk tomorrow.

Then oh yeah, biopsy. I have a lifting restriction and just kind of forgot about it. So yeah, I think I won't be stocking a the food bank tomorrow and won't be going on the walk on Friday. I don't want to get dirty or wet.

I really needed the momentum.

Then the Slow Fade Boy. I'm embarassed and feel desperate. I was supposed to drop the mic and walk away, but I'm still curious what the answer will be. In trying to manage and cut myself where it hurts, I paid the $10 to change that Google Voice number. I didn't quite delete the number but now it prevents me from messaging him without looking Crazy x 3.

I've taken a week to let someone know I wasn't into them because I hoped they'd get the message. 

Once the pain from the Lidocaine caused some tears, they just kept coming.

This really is the Death House. Everytime they ask, did someone come with you? Do you have an emergency contact? How my aunt must have felt the last 2 years of her life, so I can't complain. 

I want to take control of my life. But we've been here before.

I actually wrote out some new rules for dating and gave myself some grace

- It's going to take about 2 years

- I'm going to get it wrong

- If I trust, there is going to be another cute guy, whose age appropriate, and doesn't cause me so much anxiety

- I'm willing to be nice but I think I can't quite reconcile all the anxiety. I can't reconcile why the woman has to speak the man's language and they can't conform and meet us where we are. Communicate, tell me where we stand, be consistent. I don't know where the line to compromise is there. 

Like take yesterday.

I finally got a couple bites.

One guy immediately was like do you want to be my girlfriend! On the rowdy app (which I meant to delete, but it's so alluringly naughty), he kept asking if I thought he was cute and wanted to get into dirty talk. But then the actual Potential Guy is like sporadic texts.

And I'm like...pay attention to me! 

When will the interest level ever match! Do I just accept this is the way things are or do I keep looking for a mutual match and interest level?

I personally prefer being direct and upfront to try to minimize the anxiety on both ends, but it just makes me seem like I'm coming on too strong. Isn't that better? 

Oh the thing I thought about. I wonder if I should have tried to scrounge up my old mammogram. I never did get the results. Knowing my luck, whatever they thought they saw on the 2022 mammogram was probably there 10 years ago and I suffered through all this for nothing. 

And oh boy, what will this medical bill be!

And oh, I spent $14 at Chipotle yesterday. Boo, I don't care what anyone says, I prefer the value I get at Moe's. Nothing about Chipotle is better to warrant that cost. 

Good Guy Gone Bad

 I wish I were less reactive. Where do these confident women get their confidence. Is dating this game? Does it have to be? Can you exit stage right when it stops feeling good, at least initially? Or do you stay and ask questions?

You shouldn't be afraid to ask for what you want right? Or should you be delicate? 

One of the devotionals was saying how you say things matters. Fine. It does.

But should it be this mentally taxing just to think of what to say.

I think I'm officially being gaslighted by Slow Fade.

I thought I had gained some power but I gave it back when I messaged him before the 30 days I'd told myself I'd wait so that I could sort out my thoughts.

But then I really want this over with by March. I can't be thinking about this during my birthday month!! I don't want to be secretly planning a trip to Seattle that will never happen. 

The dance of dating is a little anxiety-inducing. 

Anxious Brain was right to have unmatched him at the first sign of trouble. Hopeful Brain why do you keep getting us in trouble, you keep stirring up this anxiety storm for no good reason. Give me 1 good thing in our entire life that has come out of your hopeful dreams and magical wishes? Nothing but heartache. 

I'm ready to quit all the apps I spent an evening downloading and populating. I thought I could do it for 3 months. I really wanted to commit to that, but I'll be lucky to make it to the end of this month. 

Let's just see if I can make it at least 3 days. Today is Day 2. 

This girl needs a hobby

 So for the first 6 weeks of the year, I was doing really well with Temperance. If only I had lasted 3 months with the boy, maybe things would've been different.

I don't know which mantra to follow when it comes to love:

The rules are the same for everyone.

If he likes/loves you, he'll do anything to be with you.

Love is hard.

Love is confusing.

Don't scare them off.

Don't show your crazy too early.

Be yourself.

Hold back your true feelings so you don't scare them.

Be patient. Wait for them to chase you.

Be bold. Make a move.

Be honest.

To me these are all conflicting. In the end, I let my true self out and it doesn't work out. I keep trying to let them lead the relationship. I read all the internet articles. Everything said to call him out. I did sense a change.

Should I have asked questions? Would that have made him feel backed into a corner? Are relationships supposed to feel this tenuous? Like 1 wrong word or bad action and dunzo!. 

That's so stressful.

That stress I was feeling with trying to decide what to do when I reach my FIRE number is creeping back a little but morphing into dating life.

I kind of just want to make up my mind by next month. Dude, next Friday is March 4th!! Not just March but like actual days in March. 

In a fit of despair, I paid almost $25 to Bumble just to see all the matches for a week. All duds. 

I do like Match because I can search all over the country. But no one is really "Liking" me which is strange. Same with e-Harmony. I don't know how beneficial it is to pay $300 to be rejected. I feel like the guy should be paying. Call me old-fashioned.

I wish I could say there's a pattern with these relationships.

I do think I try to follow online and general advice and that never seems to work. So then I get rejected trying to be someone else. But that's the name of the game. My true self comes off as abrasive and not "super fun." The reason trying to emulate Carefree Katie is my go-to strategy is that at least I am engaged in the interaction a little while longer. 

It's like interviewing.

I do feel each of my interactions have this high-stakes quality to it.  Where the guy is like, oh I'm giving you a chance just to see - don't F it up. And then I'm going back to Carefree Katie.

So I think after awhile, the pressure is just too much because I feel like I'm putting in all this effort and not getting results or even a little bit of reassurance.

It just sucks that this is the plight of woman 2000 years later. The dating books are still marketed for us when they're the ones that suck! 

I'm killing time until my shift is over for the day. 

I wish I could turn off Feelings. I wish I could sit comfortably in my singlehood. 

I'm glad I have the counselor though. I wish we met more regularly. Maybe I'll try to stay in the dating pool a little while longer or for as long as I have the sessions. Maybe not.

So it's about to be 4p. That's another 8 hours of nothingness until bedtime. 

A Little Teary

 I have a free day today... sort of. The work I have to do is to send an email and then park a document. I'm procrastinating a bit on the document. 

I decided I didn't want to wait 3 months or a month for Slow Fade. I'm already crying. I don't want to cry anymore. I matched with a military guy on Hinge yesterday.

I just saw my future and it made me so sad. He's military, divorced, with a kid, with tattoos and wanted to quickly move to calling.

What do you do when you're so high value that no one can afford you? What do you do when you're priced out of your current market.

I can't stop crying. I know I talk a good game about living in the Death House and giving up on life and especially love but that's not because I want that but because it doesn't seem like I can change the outcome. So I have to be okay with it.

It doesn't mean it doesn't make me sad. So today is one of those days where I wish I could just burn this house to the ground and start all over somewhere else.

I'm on Hinge and Bumble and downloaded eHarmony and Match. I'm going to pay for 1 if not both. I can live in the fantasy just a little longer. So far I think eHarmony lets you search other places so it's less weird than when I tried to do it on Hinge. 

The seriousness of paid membership is also a bit alarming to be honest. I think while we give these guys a hard time about not knowing what they want, I too, am on the fence. I think I just want to casually date and happen upon something great.

But to chastise myself where it hurts, I think I'll just pay the money. It's hard to understand the features of the paid sites to tell the truth. 

Do I really want to be the pursuer? Is something really going to be different? 

I'm going to eat my feelings and pout for the rest of the day. 

Let's try 30 days without him

 So yesterday, I got a chance to say lots of things to Slow Fade. I don't know. I was up all night daydreaming scenarios and responses. But that's just par for the course these days. I love to romanticize relationships.

In the back of mind, I'm always thinking though...if you were in a relationship, you'd have to be on all the time. You have to be clean and nice and considerate. That doesn't sound that fun. 

I think ultimately what felt good is being to express a range of emotions. I expressed how his lack of response was unkind. Then slightly regretting it, I called him. It was wild. Then texted him. Like all the crazy. I kind of liked that he engaged, but it made it harder to leave. 

He pretty much was like I'm not into texting or calling and I don't plan on changing. Ok. Brain already didn't feel asking for what she wanted because the risk that he wouldn't deliver was high. She was right!

For some reason that turned me off. All I heard was: I don't plan on changing For You. Which is fine. I'm not the one for you. 

I could never get him to say directly that he wasn't into me. So that was a bit confusing - like do you want to be with me or not. Are you just trying to be the nice guy and say, oh I don't think I'm what you're looking for or are you Secretly in Love with me and pushing me away. 

You know when Secret Love comes into play I'm dealing with Delusional Brain.

So actually the pressure of not having to respond is kind of amazing. The daydream is so much better than bursting reality with action. 

Meeting calls!

Friday, Friday! (More Interviews)

 Last night was rough. It was hot and stormy. I see now what trees do. I live pretty much in an open field and when the wind blows it makes a lot of noise. A lot. There are no trees to serve as windbreakers.

There was a lot of wind last night. I was up with that. The heat. I really need to get a ceiling fan! Just ruminating on my decision to blast Slow Fade over text. At around 12 midnight, I habitually woke up to check messages. But alas, I deleted that Google Voice number and there was nothing to check. 

I definitely wish I had waited. I even tried to walk myself through my trigger checklist that night but I couldn't be stopped. 

Admittedly, yesterday I thought about texting or calling just to get his attention. I was going to pretend I was staying with a friend who thought it was a funny joke, then apologize. And of course magically, we'd fall in love and be together again.

As I feared, even breadcrumbs are better than nothing unfortunately.

Well, the 2nd job wants to move forward with the interview process. I don't know which one is worse 5 individual interviews or one long one with scripted behavioral based questions. 

When I saw the email, I lost my mind once more and added the Voice number back. I snipped a screenshot I want to send later. So now, I have to constantly go back and forth on whether or not to do this.

I guess here's a Magical Candy Love Question - Am I trying to Adele him?

You know the song... where she goes... I hoped you'd see my face and be reminded... I have way too much evidence to know that has never led to a relationship. That's because I've never been in a relationship!!

Dapple is basically every boy I've had a crush on from high and college. I feel 17 again but not in a good way. In the way where you realize you'll probably not get a first date or first kiss like in the movies. The way where you realize your reality is different from your peers. And you have to be okay with it because if you're not okay with it, you spend the next 20 years wandering the desert.

So maybe, my blog remains my friend and my long hoped for relationship. You can keep my secrets because who else is there? This is my legacy. This blog is my secret keeper. It's the legacy to let the world know I was here. I lived. I tried to make a difference. I'm the only person keeping it alive. That counts. Without me, it would not exist. 

So maybe I dream smaller. Is that an oxymoron?

Do I make too much for a Roth IRA?

 Yes, friends, I have crossed over another financial milestone. Apparently my adjusted gross income is just shy of the MAGI limit to contribute to an Roth IRA. Mind you I'd checked periodically throughout the year when it would occur to me that I might make too much.

I didn't really come close last year (2020), but given the raise and bonus, I thought about it. There was a chance this 2021 tax year would be my last year to qualify, but nope. 

According to CashApp Tax (formerly CreditKarma Tax), I could only contribute $20 this year.

I got hung up on the screen for so long. I was convinced because it was a new platform that there was a glitch or something. Mind you, I was already annoyed for a lot of reasons so I was not willing to give the app the benefit of the doubt. 

But after inputting, re-inputting, and trying new numbers, I finally progressed through the screens to the Review. And yep, I was just shy of $140k for adjusted gross income.

How did I get there unknowingly. Well my W2 only had me at about $112k, so that's why I thought I'd be safe. But alas, there was Aunty MERJ's secret pension + bank bonuses+ and I guess I make taxable income in my taxable brokerage accounts - who knew!

All that together in many increments put me over the edge. 

At first I was going to let it go. It was a $360 penalty but I figured for the taxable gains it'd be worth it and it'd be worth not having to hassle to correct the mistake. But alas! According to the internet, you have to pay the penalty on that every year. I actually don't know, now that I think about it, how the IRS would know that the excess was there every year.

I guess my logical brain didn't choose to find out.

So I took a few different paths. The first path I found on a quick Google search was just to take the money out. That was at least an hour or two of reading and clicking and thinking. I'd filled out the form with my broker. After hemming and hawing, I decided I would pull the money out and keep it in a Cash account until I figured out whether I wanted to put in a new IRA account or just add it to my taxable account. Keeping it in a tax-advantaged account seemed like the more aligned strategy but I wasn't sure I wanted to open a traditional IRA account and have just one more account to maintain and or have to report.

That was the reason for the holding pattern.

Then shortly after that foray, I read further down in the article (yes, read the whole online article!!) that you could recharacterize the excess contributions. Yes, that! That seemed more like a one-step shop. So I went with that and ultimately ended up opening a new traditional IRA account to keep the process as simple as possible. But I was able to complete the form online and it should be done in 3 business days. Non-WAYMISH. (waymish = why are you making it so hard)

But then I got lost in another rabbit hole of trying to figure out how to report this on my taxes. I think the app did it for me. The actual IRS instructions say you're supposed to attach a statement saying you did the recharacterization, but I didn't see a penalty for not doing that. I downloaded as many confirmations as I could (just in case) but because it was an online form that I didn't pay too close of attention to, I don't have the details of the actual request. 

Either way, the money move was simple enough so hopefully it doesn't trigger any red flags. It seems like it's a pretty common thing because it was specified in the Form instructions. 

I think in general because I was vacillating so much with opening yet another account, I don't see myself contributing to a traditional IRA in the next couple of years. It's just not part of my mental plan. My company offers after-tax 401k contributions so I will try to utilize that for any additional tax optimizations.

I won't be able to do lump sums like you can with an external broker but I typically like to make a savings plan at the beginning of the year anyway. Anyway, these things can be finagled.

So there we have it folks. Taxes pretty much done. I like to sleep on it. I also want to get the Recharacterization confirmation as well.

HR has sent me like 5 emails asking for my name change document. I'm like don't tempt me! My boss has scheduled our Reward discussion for March 7, so that was exciting! I wanted to add, I hope you ran it by my previous boss. My biggest fear is that I'll get something basic since I was mostly in training since I joined the new team.

In other news, I finally got the iPhone protective case so I can start using that device now instead of my old $10 LG phone. I miss the LG phone already. I finally got used to it.

I don't have any contacts in the new iPhone and I keep getting other people's calls. That def doesn't happen with Google Voice numbers!

Taxes took me pretty much all day. I always used to think about doing tax prep on the side, but today I think that would be really boring.

I've been eating donuts all day so my eyes are getting heavy.

Oh I also had to remember to quickly cancel the auto-deposits I was doing to this year's Roth IRA. Luckily, the schedule was more of a place holder while I hoard cash for FIRE Year 1, so only $20 had made it in. I might just leave that or take it out by the end of the year. I'm going to wait until all the taxes are done so there's no confusion.

I feel like March is going to be a lot of confusion. I hope all good outcomes though. 

I finally went no contact

 So yes, I broke all the rules. I didn't stay in bed until 8a. Mean Brain convinced me I would get over it faster and fall back asleep sooner if I just got up and checked my messages. So between 2a nd 3a, I got up and checked my messages.

He still hadn't responded. I last messaged him on Monday around 4p EST. Today is Thursday. That's the standard 48 hours. And this was the second time in a row and one of many times this has happened. It freaking sucks! 

I tried to follow my rules, but then Mean Brain convinced me it's better to sever ties now then to wake up and feel the hurt all over again. Could I really make it to Friday? And what if he still didn't respond? 

I mean I was kind of over it after he waited 5 days to get back in touch at the end of January. This just felt like the final straw. Just the micro-rejections over time and the sheer lack of effort. There's a lot of 'maybe he's..', but I'm just not buying it. People do what they want to do. 

Love is simple. It's primal. 

So it wasn't a match in the end. 

I don't feel like working today. I want to get some donuts and an egg and bacon biscuit and wallow. I mean, what's there to really wallow about. This has been ending since it began.

I think it's less about him and more about the fact that I'm back to where I started. I'm just counting this as 2021 nonsense. This never happened.

While often an unreliable historian, Mean Brain is telling me that the world has been rejecting me my whole life.

So being in a relationship is officially crossed off the list for 2022 loose goals.

Do I want donuts?  I mostly just want out of the house. 

Surprisingly the desire to blow up my life is present but not threatening. Emotionally, I tried to think of a myriad ways to get back in touch. Luckily, I'd dismantled every possible way. Part of me wants to search on Teams and see if I can add him. Yes, still crazy.

Maybe I'll paint today?

10 minutes later...

So my big ballsy move in the middle of the night meant deleting my Google Voice number so I wouldn't have to wait for his response or lack therof. It felt powerful in the moment.

Then I remembered seeing you had 30 days to reclaim your Voice number. Being the #crazy that I am, I tried it. It worked!!! So now it kind of feels like I'm spying on myself. It's so weird because like my whole perspective changes. If I had left it, I'd be anxiously awaiting a response and getting mad. But now that this reverse act has been done. It feels like I'm spying on a secret. 

I'm actually excited to see what happens next!!!!!!!! Does he love crazy? Will he respond apologetically? Will my act of God happen and we magically fall in love? Or will it go unanswered as I suspect. Hopefully something happens by 11a or 12n EST (8 or 9a PST). 

Life is exciting again! I feel 17!!!

The day before D-Day and I'm surprisingly okay (and loose goals)

 So tomorrow a.m. will make the approx 48 hour window for response from the Slow Fade. Technically it's today ...well technically it's right now. But historically he texts at night. 

This relationship ended in a whimper. Womp, womp.

I rejoined Hinge to try to soothe the transition but I received only a handful of duds for matches. I didn't even accept the matches. So that ended up not doing any good.

I guess I delete tomorrow as well? I'll need some sort of physical action to punctuate the moment. 

I'm not even re-reading whatever the text I wrote was. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he texts me right now, tonight, tomorrow, Friday.

I'm worth the risk. My feelings are valid. Everyone knows the rules. I know what it feels like to be pursued. This isn't it. 

The wool has been lifted? What other mantras and affirmations are there. 

Other safeguards. I turned off the mobile device that has the Voice app on it so I won't be tempted to check. The alarm clock radio is still in my room, but I turned the Wi-Fi off. I might just remove it out of the room tonight. The goal is not to get out of bed until 8a when work starts. 

It doesn't matter what happens tomorrow. 

Normally, I would think of something big or small that would change my mind. My mind isn't even going there. You lose today, Wishful Brain.

This is my life now. 

It's not too bad.

Admittedly, I bought a homeless man some lunch in supplication for this prayer to find a partner. I won't do that anymore.

I might still feed some more homeless people, but not for prayer and supplication for a relationship.

I'm thinking I might do $20 in cash a month and maybe get it in $5 bills. And give it out to the first 4 people that ask. 

Yesterday was Tuesday at Popeye's where you can get a 2-piece (dark) for a dollar or two. I thought about going and getting a couple for some of the homeless people, but I didn't.

So those are my two ideas.

So recapping loose goals for 2022

- get a second job

- (date) - scratching that

- self care/ mental health care

- I guess doing more good

- getting out more? meh

I met with a counselor today and it was surprisingly okay. I didn't want to forget to ask her if she did counseling outside of EAP, but I regretted it. I should've waited until the sessions were done. It's too soon to presume we'll get along and I think it puts pressure on her. It got weird.

Anyway, she was refreshing.

I felt like I could be a little silly. I told her some loose goals were to date/get in a relationship and find a second job. But it's not completely true.

I'm more open to the idea of that than actively pursuing it.

I applied to 2 remote jobs at Amazon.

It's more something to do in my free time than something I'm going to make time for.  Like..oh you have a bundle of time today, do this default activity instead of twiddling your thumbs.

I think that's kind of what the above list is.

My new role is very project based. So when the project isn't actively churning out deliverables, there's not much work to be done. There I said it.

So yeah, if this keeps up, it'll be hard to give up this cushy gig. 

Satan will probably take it away from me. Oh well. He seems to get his way alot.

But as of now, I think I have pulled together all the documents I need to file my taxes.

I already requested income-based repayment for student loans based on my 2020 tax return since it's a bit lower than this year should be.

I have a phone for the 2-factor. This is HUGE. 

I think having the phone and the flexibility is a large part of why I wanted to go on an adventure overseas. I felt powerful and lucky. 

But yeah if God doesn't ordain my finding love, then it's not something I can do on my own. That I know for sure. I keep getting the feeling I have to wait 2 years. So, at some point soon, I'll delete the app again. Maybe tomorrow morning symbolically?

I prayed my prayer, I presented offerings. I tried to do it on my own. Valentine's day and the holidays have passed, so the deep urge has subsided.

I have the history of my ancestors that the life-affirming love I'm looking for is not in my bloodline. I'm sad about it, but it can't be helped.

Remember the quote from that Netflix documentary, people from the country don't dream.

So tomorrow's another day. I'm most looking forward to Friday. The next episodes of Love is Blind will be released. That will give me something to wake up for. I have a few meetings in the morning, but that is bookmarked on my to-do list.

I finally bought 2 additional Wyze cameras. Like I've been saying, the spend-gates have opened and seem to be blowing in the wind. 

At some point, I'm going to have to go back downstairs. I think once I get that camera set up in the living room (more of a psychological move than anything), I think I also want to get a white rug just to help purify the place. So hopefully when the sun is out longer and I run out of things to do up here, I can resume bi-level living. 

So that's it. I started the morning with a freakout but I stopped the bleeding.

As much as I want to meddle in the name change, I'm trying my best to leave it until after Bonus Day. That way I can just do the next batch. That's at least a month away. 

Yesterday was not so bad

 Yesterday was not that bad. I had my early morning freakout because the rejection was too intense. It doesn't help that I had not much to do that day.

I'm still impressed that I didn't double-text. Now it just feels like a standoff.

I corresponded a bit with an old college friend. Proud of myself for not immediately jumping on a call. Tuesdays are my correspondence days.

I didn't call anyone I wasn't supposed to call. That's a win.

After the anxious feelings wore off - primarily because I felt empowered by scheduling the follow-up text- I was able to go about my day.

Somehow I re-channeled that energy into planning a vacation. I got stuck in a rabbit hole of Gate 1 Travel. It's the company I used when I went to Ecuador. The vacations I was looking at ranged from 2k to 3k. Now that I've loosened up my purse strings, I wasn't even sure what a good budget was for a vacation.

A quick internet search said 15% of gross income for vacation and fun. Ha! That's a ridiculous amount of money. So I did 15% of my historical spending ($30k) and 15% of my target FIRE spending ($20k) and came up with around $3k to $4k. That still felt like a lot but at least I had a starting point. 

Because my cash accounts are still pretty lean from last year where I put all extra money into investments, I was seduced by the credit card. I actually didn't realize this until I was nearing the end of the rabbit hole. In the back of my mind though, this was coming out of our March bonus. Not sure if I would've been as tempted if that bonus money wasn't an option. I actually don't think I'd have the cash. I would have to charge it and pay it off throughout the year. Luckily the credit cards I have are 0% interest. Definitely wouldn't put it on credit otherwise.

Anywhoozle! I spent pretty much all afternoon doing that. I was tempted by a 8-10 day trip to Spain, 8 day trip to Dubai, and an 8 day trip to Morocco.

Initially the website advertising had me really interested in the Spain trip. But to get the advertised deal, I'd have to travel at the end of March. That's how I got lured into the other locales. Their travel dates worked better with my project schedule. 

Although reluctant at first, I eventually started to think Dubai was where I wanted to go vs Spain. Yes, I want to go to Spain. It seems a bit like an old travel goal - Spain and Portugal. But spending 8 to 10 days looking at monuments and museums just did not have the appeal of Dubai. Especially not for 2 to 3k.

So Dubai started to creep to the top of the list. I was allured by an optional dune buggy trip and barbecue. I think I liked when more meals are planned and there was more of a sense of adventure. The European trip just felt like one you go on when you're in middle school or old and retired. If I'm in Europe for 8 to 10 days, I want to fit in a few more countries!

Somehow or another I stumbled upon the COVID-19 travel advisories. I think a couple of the bloggers I follow have been doing international travel, so that made it feel like it was okay to travel. The CDC Covid-19 travel advisories scared me for sure. Then Dubai also had just a civil unrest advisory. Ugh.

Yeah after about an hour or so of trying to convince myself that people are doing it, I just gave up.

The 2 bloggers I had in mind are definitely savvier travelers. I mean I just now got regular cell phone service and an iPhone. I went back into my geriatric cave and just felt overwhelmed. I don't even know how or where to get a COVID test. I certainly wouldn't know how to navigate that in a foreign country. Presumably, now that I've calmed down, it would be a thing someone could help me figure out. Especially since this would be escorted trips.

But that didn't seem realistic yesterday.

So I heeded the warnings by the government. A random trip to Dubai to quell some anxiety from having too much free time on my hands and ruminating over rejection and single hood seemed pretty non-essential.

Not wanting to give up just yet, I got back on the Groupon site. There's a chance I might go to Myrtle Beach, SC in March. I could do a 2-night stay for about $300. There's a Ben and Jerry's nearby. I'd be curious to see if they had any vegan flavors. I could just call and ask. 

Then I got some takeout that didn't turn out to be very good. Feeling fancy, I also stopped to get some cut fruit and chocolates. I watched a couple episodes of Love is Blind on Netflix. By then it was about 8p. I puttered around in the dark on the internet some more in the office. Then around 9p, went to the bedroom. 

I thought hmm, this might be what my life looks like in early-retirement. I mean these next 2 years are essentially the runway for that. It wasn't so bad. I did a little bit of work. Got lost in an activity (albeit fruitless). Got some takeout. Watched a few shows and went to bed. Not bad, MERJ, not bad at all. 

As long as dating is completely out of my system, I should have less emotional upheavals. Well, that's not true. Just not many of my own design. The rest of the world is still out to get me. 

I have a counseling session at 9a today. 

I'm proud of myself for not engaging in any self-destructive behaviors today. I did turn off the cellphone yesterday when I was triggered. I didn't call or text. I didn't wake up in the middle of the night to check messages. But this morning around 6 or 7a, I was mostly awake and did use the alarm-clock-iPad to check messages. Fail. There were none. I was triggered. I got out of bed and edited the message from yesterday. I took out the part about dating or ending things. 

I deleted my notes on how to manage the relationship moving forward. I re-scheduled the text. This sucks. 

I immediately wanted to blow up my life - I wanted to request the name change at work, change my name on my hub account, change my name on the account that's asking for way too much documentation in an unsecured way, do some stalking on Hinge, delete Hinge, call someone, text someone. Do something I would regret later.

But I didn't.

I stayed in bed and didn't get back up again until 7:30a and here I am. 

Oh on the debit card issue, I really don't know what the solve is. But I think instead of feeling embarrassed and not having a way to pay, I think I'll just transfer $200 as a cushion to my BillPay account. That way it can be my back-up. I was scared of being in a bind so this is a workaround until I find a more reliable debit card. 

I don't want it on the other Visa Card because that one is not closely monitored and typically only has less than $20 on it. Plus it's not tracked in my budget app. 

I did look up cashback debit cards and it looks like Empower offers a product I might be able to use. Not sure why I haven't pulled the trigger on that yet. My brain just isn't in the space for new money moves right now. 

And to celebrate other past good decisions - I'm so happy I never shared this site with anyone in my personal life. I do suspect someone might have stumbled upon it but if they won't fess up to it then I'm find living in my cocoon. I like it here. It's nice and warm.  That being said - I like my bubble. I like my revisionist history. I think this is how people start to lose their minds. They rewrite reality to feel safe again. 

2/15, 11a Final Power Move

 Ok, I refuse to be a victim in this. Whatever, dude. So he can take till Friday to message me back. This time I'm sticking with the plan. Let's be honest, Hopeful Brain needed him to do this to me twice in a row to get the message. No stones unturned.

So the final move is this:

- Wait 2x whatever length of time he takes to respond and schedule send at whatever ridiculous emotional booty call hour he sends the message. (Example. If it's Friday at 1:30a EST (4 days later), I will schedule- send my response at day 8 which is Saturday, the 26th at 1:30a PST.) Honestly, I'm so excited, giddy, and anxious, I might schedule it now. Eeeeek!

- Here's the final message:

Hey, this doesn't feel good anymore. I thought you were a genuine guy, but I think you're breadcrumbing me.  That is unkind and I don’t deserve it.  If you want to be done, we can be done. If you want to date, we can date. What do you want?

- The final question is rhetorical for Hopeful Brain and Mean Brain since they'll beat me up afterward if I don't ask.  I get to hurt his feelings, call him out, and let him know how it affects me. I know there's some parties that believe that you shouldn't let people see you cry. But I'm a human. If you hurt my feelings, I want you to know.  People remember. 

- Here are the objectives this plan accomplishes:

- He gets to feel the anxiety of a delayed response

- I get to try the late night scheduled-send like I wanted

- I have time to get over the "break-up"

- And I get to have the final word

(I get some power back.)

And this all happens and ends before my birthday month. No rain on my parade that month!

(On preview, I think I might nix the last question. No more spoon-feeding an #almost40 year old man. We all know the rules.)

The Last Text, Money Grumbles, Car Accidents

 I was nervous and in a bad mood all day yesterday. And it was Valentine's Day. And it was mostly to do with the boy because I didn't have much work yesterday.

I couldn't figure out my response. My heart of hearts knew our time together was coming to an end. You just feel it. On the outside the text messages haven't really changed. He still texts only at night, but I think something about the response time is off. While it didn't reach 5 days, taking multiple days to respond to a text once in a while is okay but not for a text that's a little emotional.

Brain won't even let me 'what if' anymore. It's been going on too long.

I mean we've mentally broken up basically since the first text so I don't know why we put ourselves through this. Even personality is not enough. I still blame that terrible picture. The girls on 90 day Fiance kept a guy interested with one hot picture. I got nothing. 

It's fine. Mean Brain is going to try to beat me up like this was somehow all my fault. The internet will say I didn't have confidence and competence.

But I maintain I'm the prize. I maintain that on this lonely hill we call singlehood.

So yes, last night was another sleepless night waiting for a text that never came. 

I wonder if it'll be Wednesday or Thursday this time. I don't want to wait up tonight as well, but it's hard to say what will happen.

I crafted so many "perfect" last texts I don't know which one to choose.

I was so nervous yesterday because it felt like an inflection point. I couldn't put a name to it but I think there was just a lot of pressure to say the right thing. This could be the last thing you say. This could be the thing that wins him over or pushes him away. That's a lot of pressure for one person and one text message.

I grappled with sending a long text or a short text. I struggled with sending it when I usually send it or go with my scheme of trying to schedule it to send in the middle of the night. I'm a little bummed I didn't try that. It occurred to me not to send anything at all until I was sure I knew what I wanted. I tried to figure out what I wanted to get out of it. I went with what I wanted to send. Although now, I do wish I'd tried the middle of the night text.  I spent so much of the weekend trying out the scheduled send via text. Grr. 

To be fair, I thought he would respond last night and I'd get a chance to start practicing the middle of the night texts. But we already knew he was pulling away but I chose to forget that I guess. 

I think that's what I couldn't say because it all felt like it was in my brain. But no, this is happening. This is the end of Dapple. When I start lying to myself or wanting to make grand gestures, Brain is pre-empting the rejection. I'm glad I didn't try to be flirty or send a sexy pic. That was what Brain wanted to do. I even looked up travel and lodging in Seattle. Yep, I was going to take it that far. 

I was going to squeeze lemon juice out of this stone.

So we're looking at a potential Friday a.m. response from him. There goes my week. 

I like to comfort myself by saying as far as he knows, I'm the one who is not that into him. I mean what's the difference?

Anyway, yes I joined Hinge to help me through this transition. Maybe as a reality check? Because it's kind of bringing me down. Only scrubs. I think I've had 7 matches in the 3 days I've been back on. All scrubs. 

Money frustrations

I made some progress on the name change. I decided to delay changing my name at work because I don't want to call any attention to myself before Bonus Day. And then I had a little bit of a quandry. They asked for an updated SS card. When I looked at my SS card, it was dated for 2019. Whoops. I wondered if anyone would notice and wonder why the name change was 3 years late. Wasn't sure if that would cause an issue at work. 

There's a good chance nothing would happen if the change was entered by an admin who didn't pay much attention. I could just say I go professionally by MERJ not MERJ 2.0. 

Either way, I didn't want to risk my bonus payout. That's a leftover goal from last year - just make it to Bonus Day 2022. 

So that's on hold until that happens. 

Then one of the banks has entered the new name wrong. And after 2 emails hasn't changed it. Grr.

Then my debit card has now been declining a little more often. It used to do it at the Popeye's drive thru always. Then I tried it in the store not even thinking and it worked. Then it's declined at McDonald's 3 times now. It's confusing and jarring. And honestly, these days I don't have many other ways to pay. I think if it happens again, I'm just going to have to walk away. 

Before the recent times, it'd declined at the Walmart the time I first came to see Death House about 2 years ago.  And it did it at Trader Joe's in 2020. I get so flustered. But now I know for sure there's money on it because I set an alert for low balance. 

I don't know if the card even registers the decline at the company.

So now it just fractures my confidence in my money plan. I was thinking of moving BillPay to this bank but these errors are too frustrating to do that.

I really like the cashback debit feature and the fact that the card declines rather than overdrafts if I ever had a low balance, but I'm casually in the market for a new debit card. 

Then another thing happened that was scary. 

I accidentally accelerated instead of braking and almost got in a car accident. It was after the McDonald's incident. This happened recently in my driveway as well. I was backing up and accelerated a bit too much and almost ran into the house.

I immediately thought of getting one of those parking stops but now I don't know. 

I'm not sure how to fix this. Am I distracted? Am I losing my mind? What's causing this?

I'm in a mood (and a personal case study)

 Today is Valentine's Day! Is that why I'm in a mood. I'm putting a lot of energy into slights and hurts that don't mean much.

I think reaching this level of FI has pulled a lot of things into focus. I simply don't have enough going on to occupy my time.

I am trying to fill it with a relationship but all that seems to do is hurt my feelings. I think although I'm trying to avoid making any seemingly final decisions, I need to make a decision about that. 

Do I maintain my position in the Death House or do I keep pulling out last minute swings for a Different Life. I just can't figure out how to meet new people or make friends. 

What am I doing wrong? 

I finally have the cash for an active social life, and my work load is very manageable. But I don't know what to do with all this free time other than stew on the fact that my life doesn't quite look the way I planned it. No matter how hard I try to, I can't seem to accept it. It's been 40 years. I live in this ridiculous house, in this dumb neighborhood.

Do I need to move or am I just blaming the house..using it as a scapegoat for other problems. 

Let me try that exercise I always see on Frugalwoods Case Studies.

What's the best part of your current lifestyle/routine?

I like working from home.

I like how light my workload is so far.

I like my low expenses.

What's the worst part of your current lifestyle/routine?

I don't have any friends.

I don't have any real interests outside of work and watching TV.

I don't leave the house much.

I don't have a social life.

I've never been in love and the prospects are dim. 

Where do I want to be in 10 years:

Finances:

I want to be fully FI on at least a $30k/yr lifestyle.

Lifestyle:

I want to live in a house and neighborhood I love (not just what I can afford).

I want to be madly in love and living life with a partner. 

Career:

Work optional. I'll be #almost50 so I should be well early-retired by then. 

I don't know how to make my lifestyle dreams come true. I had to take the rejection when job-hunting because I need money to live. Love and friendship just don't seem mandatory. It seems like a nice-to-have. 

I think my current career aspirations are mainly because I have nothing else to do so I'm trying to best myself. Because why not.

How do I still feel stuck?

Why won't my prayers work? In my mind I've been low key praying for love for 40 years. All the battery and bruising just makes me confused. Is it coming? Will I be able to recognize it? Did I miss it?

How do you keep your heart open but protected?

I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself about the boy. One minute I want to stop all communication so I can just move on. I tell myself, he's doing not much more than this blog except with 100x more anxiety. It's a one sided post every couple of days. I tell myself it's not worthwhile and bruises my self-esteem.

The next minute, I'm like why not. Let's see where it goes. Just one more message.

I'm a big fat fraud!

 I wrote this elaborate plan to finally cut ties with the Slow Fader. But in my righteous indignation of waiting, I cooled down.

He texted, of course, after hours my time.

I had planned this perfect message.

Ask him out.

When he gives some flimsy excuse (basically anything but yes), I simply say, Bye, Dapple. :)

No explanation because we all know the rules. I'm tired of feeling like I have to bend over backwards to be understanding and explain myself and be patient. Be into me, already!

I already know you're not, but I wasn't willing to walk away.

I'm telling myself just one more text. Just one more before the final 2 texts. I'm not ready!

But I have to better. Don't I?

Old MERJ has to die to self. New MERJ has a new name and everything. But how do I change 40 years of believing in Secret Love. As a scientist, I know the evidence does not support my belief in Secret Love. Exactly zero people have secretly loved me. They've openly loved each of the women they went on to marry. They did for those women all the things the rules say to do.

Date, like, love, marry.

It's really that simple.

Not: Mess Around, Confuse, Make Crazy, Ghost. 

Those are not the rules, dummy! 

But the alternative is no text. I need to define a better breaking point because obviously taking too long to text is not enough. 

Emotional Management Plan of Slow Fade

 Much to my dismay, the Boy did not text me last night. That's 2 nights which is unusual for him. The last time he went more than 2 nights, he didn't text me for 5 days. To compound the rejection, this is the 2nd Friday in a row I was hoping we would connect in real time. As if I didn't know he's not into me. 

So here's how I'm planning to manage it.

My last text was Thursday at 4:15p EST. The widely accepted social norm is to respond within 48 hours when dating.

So if he responds by 4:15p EST (with an undetermined grace period), I will continue with my regular Slow Fade Plan. In this case, I'll pretend to be okay with it and respond after the same number of days he took + 1 day penalty. There's a part of me that also wants to move him to email so I can get rid of this number altogether. And there's a part of me that wants to send him messages at 3:30am to see if he likes it. I don't know which of those I'll do first. I think trying the 3:30a thing is probably a fine intermediate to give him one last chance to reject me informally.

If he responds after 4:15p EST, then I will initiate this plan.

Step 1: Ask for a date. (immediately, no waiting)

Step 2: He will give an excuse.

Step 3: Respond: Haha, I love it! So no date, no calls, no interactive texting, no flirty banter, no pictures, is it fair to say, you're ready for this correspondence to be over? 

(Alternative: ... what would you do if you were me?)

(Alternative: at step 3, just: Bye, Dapple.)

This forces his hand and forces the end of this relationship. I've lost at least 3 nights of restful sleep just this week along anticipating his responses. Getting out of bed to check my phone. One night I spent a restless night coming up with responses. 

Other Life

It's noticeably easier to get over slights when you have other things going on in your life. So if I'm going to keep working, I have to have other interests. I can't wait to stop going to these Virtual Lunches. 

Strange, there were so many more thoughts when I was trying to sleep. Funny, that. 

Oh, Brain, You so silly

 Yes, after fretting all week and losing sleep for 2 days if not more, all is well again. I mean these future events seemed so life altering.

First it was my document and the subsequent meeting to review said document. I survived both, but to hear my brain tell it, you'd think it was the the end of the world.

Then it was the boy. 1 or 2 fitful nights over a text from a stranger that I've never met and IS NOT in love with me. When does the fun part start?

Then it was the interview. Again, yes it could have gone terribly and thankfully it didn't. But gosh, to hear my brain tell it, you'd really think my entire life was going to end if I didn't get this job with this stranger at this strange company doing a bunch of new things for money.

I've got to do better.

I'm loosely purposing to see what our new EAP system is offering. I want something to do with cognitive behavioral therapy, life management, high sensitivity or anxiety. Just some help. 

I'm trying not to get my hopes up about the next 20 years with grandiose plans but I do need to come up with either a 3 month, 1-year or 5 year statement of purpose. I need something to guide my decisions. Frugality was a worthy friend for the last couple of years, but now what. 

I still have a budget, so it's not like my life (aka spending) is a free for all, but that strict sword of frugality has lifted. 

I don't know. My work luckily for the most part stays in the background. I'm trying to let go of pride and ego. My goal for the most part is just stay employed until I figure out the next thing.

I see it in my actions when it comes to volunteering for stuff and my level of engagement. I'm trying to do just the minimum+. As close to exactly 120% as possible. No more over achieving. 

Spending more money has definitely come a lot more easily than I thought. I haven't cooked anything since the incident. 

The Name Change

As expected, the DMV gatekeepers wouldn't let me change my driver license address. She even tried to scare me by saying continuing to use my old license could be considered fraudulent. Oh well. Other than this blog, I'm not giving her a second thought. 

I was able to start the name change on most of my bank accounts. Some where remarkably easier than others. I anticipated having to print a few forms but so far, I've been able to get around most of it. My small credit union (as anticipated) is going to make things difficult.

The hard part is trying to manage the transition. I anticipate from now until I die, I will probably get at least 1 check written out to my old name. So do I keep one account with my old name? My initial thought is yes - my local bank.  I'm waiting until after we get paid next week at work to update stuff at work.

I forgot about the archaic Treasury Direct. Yikes. I think I remember reading that might require a medallion signature. Hot mess. 

Bank accounts seemed to be the biggest priority. I'm not sure why. 

Not sure what I'll do for email addresses and letting people in real life know. We'll see how that goes. Like most of my recent big events, there's no one to tell.

This feels very official. Like this is really the last third of my life.

Why did I change my name in the first place?

It's an idea I've had since I was younger actually. 

The last name of freed slaves has a storied past. 

I also liked in the Bible how people changed their names at stages in their life. In modern day, we have nicknames or married names. So some of that still carries over.

I really was just going to change my last name, but then it was like why not just change both if it's the same price. (#stillfrugal)

And then I thought I was going to get this cool job in California and really get a fresh start. That didn't happen. So then I kind of abandoned the idea until I moved and needed to update my address. But by then I'd already officially changed it in court. (#brokenmustardseeds)

So the name change didn't accompany the life change I'd hoped for but here we are.

I at least took a silent stand against a tarnished history.

This is my quiet freedom song. 

I thought life was more beautiful than this. But it's okay. It's all okay. 

So this is Phase 3. 

I made it. I lived longer than age 7. To many, that's a beautiful thing. I celebrate me. I celebrate the people that got me here. I celebrate the people on whose backs I've climbed. I celebrate the people that loved me in spite of myself. I hurt for them. I hurt for me. I celebrate me.

It may not have been the life I chose, but it's the life I have. I celebrate me. I'm glad this weekend is Valentine's Day and I'm alone. Right now on earth, I'm the person that loves me most. And that's okay. 

The countdown begins, I guess.

Twenty years of wandering in the desert. Did I ever find the Promised Land?

This is really how it ends?

Anxiety makes me question my life choices

So many things going on today that have got me hyper, anxious, sweating, and just general distress.

The Boy

As expected, after opening up a little and using feelings words, he didn't immediately respond. I'm trying to play it cool and not freak out. Unsuccessful. I'm telling myself historically, his response times on Thursdays have been inconsistent. Now that I've seen some evidence that he's legitimately busy, it's hard not to consider it. But we all know the truth, I'm an emotional booty call at best. I'm just really not sure what he gets out of it. If this is a booty call, this is like calling someone over for a peck on the cheek. I think that's why I'm not that offended. I mean one text a day is hardly a huge lift.

It's just me that takes allll day coming up with a response. Since I'm obviously not willing to let this last bit of hope die as a result of me, then maybe that's an area I can relieve myself of the lift. Over the next 2 weeks, we'll be approaching the 3 month mark (but who's counting), so I want to try to respond more casually and not write 87 drafts of a text response. Next week, if we're still talking, I also want to try messaging him at 12midnight PST so he can see what it feels like. I wonder if he'll get the hint. I have no idea how to communicate with a man. I really don't. To me, it should be easier than this. But sometimes you really have to spell things out. I think that's actually true and not a factor of 'he's not that into you.'

But then again sometimes it is. I just feel like romantic interest should be pretty basic. When you like someone, you want to spend time with them. You think about them. You send them messages, you buy them things. He's just not there yet. So that hurts my feelings. Every single minute that goes by and he's not letting me know he's thinking about me hurts my feelings. It just feels like continuous rejection.

Because we're the same age, it reminds me of every college guy I was in some sort of situationship with. Yes, your girl is claiming these situationships. There was always this air of ...he might be interested but never enough to do anything about it.  Then the next girl they buy flowers for or take them on real dates. They're not the 'if only' girls. This feels like that. Except I'm #almost40 and it's just not cute. 

This isn't butterflies, this is anxiety!

The Interview

I don't know why interviews to this day still make me so nervous. Because it's like dating. I haven't internalized that it should be a seek-and-find on both ends. It's also just a lot of lies. Why does it still need to be a pop quiz. But just like dating, I alone cannot change the way things are. 

Update: the interview wasn't that bad. I was hopeful it was the only next step. 

The driver license

The biggest thing of all today is my license renewal. DMV people are gatekeepers in their own right. Today will be the day that decides whether I go forth in my new name or my old name. That DMV clerk has no idea the impact she will have on my life. I'm not sure I know what the outcome will be. Part of my nervousness is that my last experience was a bit adversarial so I don't know if they took notes down or anything. The plan is just to be upfront that I want to update my address on my old license and leave the new license alone for now. They'll either say yes or no. 

Because I'm so undecided, this is one of those things that I'm letting the universe decide. The next 20 years is at-bat. 

My life choices

Last night in a fit of angst, I was declaring a bunch of things while also trying to sleep.

I'm not running for office

I'm not adopting or taking guardianship of a child

I'm not applying for more jobs

I may very well have to live out the next 20 years alone - no friends or romance

I'll probably still help with science fairs cuz they're fun

I wouldn't mind coaching a team, but unlikely I'll figure out what I need to do

I just keep coming up with these really ambitious plans to fill my life. And in the end, it's not really working.

Maybe I'll focus on something new each year. Maybe I won't.

Maybe I will.

How do you plan the last 2 decades of your life.

I don't know what the stock market is doing, so it's a good thing I decided to FIRE with whatever my portfolio balance was at the end of 2021. 

Last night in the darkness and muddiness of night, I was confident I wouldn't apply for that Director role, but now I'm kind of like why not??

Has it already been decided? Haven't I already decided? Look where I live? 

I know drifting won't work

So I'll have to make a decision and stick to it unless something really compelling moves me to change my mind.

So far, nothing yet.

In other news

I might go take that smelly trash out

I have so many darn boxes in this house

I need to call the couch people and ask them for another cushion because the one I have did not re-inflate.

That's all for now. 

Settling for Breadcrumbs

Ahhhhhhhhhh! So many things have happened. I just held my first Comment Resolution Meeting. And no one really said anything. I decided just to take the 'everything's ok' approach. I mean I've seen quite a few people stumble.

Normally, I'd be so worried that the sky was falling, but I'm actively choosing not to believe that. 

I was soooooo nervous all week and even during the meeting. I was literally dripping sweat.

I'm so high on life right now just having done that. I have a lot of writing to do by pretty much EOB today. But I guess I technically have until midnight. I don't think I actually have much to do, just reformatting and sourcing some information to copy and paste.

The boy was on my mind for a lot of the early morning and then while I was waiting for the meeting to start but my brain is running on happy so I can't even bring myself down right now.

But basically I sent out an email blast on advice on what to do about him. My Racist Friend didn't respond. How lame. He is the primary reason why I second guess myself. I hate him.

Anyway the advice ranged from he's just wants to be friends to hang in there to initiate the conversation to ask for what you want. 

I'm afraid of asking for what I want because I'm not confident the answer will be yes. And at this time, I'm unfortunately settling for breadcrumbs. He's my last hope. If we end communication, it's unlikely I'll be back on the apps any time soon. I'm not ready to go back to talking to no one. 

But boy did I have some daring imaginary text messages. I basically want to dare him to come to NC and take me out. Old Me would have done it without thinking. But Desperate Me is not ready for the rejection. 

Part of me wants to play it cool until Valentine's Day. I wonder if he'll bring it up. So far, I think the safest thing is to play it like we're friendly co-workers.

He doesn't really answer my below-the-surface questions. 

It's like the more I feel rejected by him, the more I like him. Why are humans so stupid. That literally is a stupid response.

This is why my dare to date me feels like a Dumb MERJ Response. The one where when I guy pulls away you overcompensate.

Anyway, unless something bad happens, I still have a job.

And .... burying the lede... I got approved for a company phone!!!

I'm so happy about that!!! You have no idea. I didn't realize how deprived I felt without a phone. I still don't have anyone to call, but it will surely make my life easier!

The most immediate benefit is being able to file my taxes. You need a phone to access Credit Karma Tax, so now I should have one. I think I'm going to do them in March because I'm waiting to see if Student Loan Forbearance gets extended or not. I need to apply for Income Based Repayment before then. I guess I should probably get on that.  

February

 I cleaned up a lot yesterday and finally put the furniture together. It's pretty hard and one of the cushions didn't really re-inflate.

I find some comfort in knowing that this is my final destination.

I have my driver license appointment on Friday. Goal #1 is just to keep my old name and update my address. I have had to convince myself that if they don't let me do that easily, I'll just accept it. I'll move on with transitioning to my new name.

Living in this house just has a finality and resignation to it.

I moved the futon to the office upstairs and now the whole room just feels cluttered. I had a nice spot for it against the side wall but all the car-sitting has made me want to sit in the sun. So right now I pushed he desk closer to the back wall and the futon is sitting in front of the window. So basically the desk and futon are taking up the middle of the floor and there's little room for much else.

One of my former roommates kept the empty boxes of different appliances or items she bought so she'd have them when she moved. It seemed like a good idea when we lived in the apartment and it did come in handy for my dishes, Cuisinart grill, and TV. But now, it's kind of making the place look junky.

I never really unpacked when I moved in because I mostly just had clothes that I won't need to wear. Ever. And a surprising amount of office related supplies. 

I have all my old journals that I never am quite sure what to do with.

I kinda feel like I'm just living in a storage unit. I think I'm going to start with getting rid of all these boxes. 

I had a bit of a freakout on Friday because the Boy did finally text me back but didn't ask for another call (i.e. a "date"). I emailed just about everyone I thought would answer. I mildly regret that because it didn't really help.

Now I'm just angry that my Racist Friend chooses not to respond. I hate him. I think part of me is trying to pay him back for using me all those years for dating advice and emotional support. This morning I wanted to email him back some nasty messages for not responding.  That was at 5a. Then I remembered one of my old notes was not to send feelings emails on Sundays.

Voila. This girl has not changed! 

My so-called brother also kind of dipped out of the conversation we were having about it. So freaking annoying.

So yes, in my feelings this morning I decided to take a breather from people for February. I need to focus on work anyway. That means my Maryland Aunty, my Shenanigan Colleague and yes, even the boy. 

One text a day just isn't enough.

Is he my cousin? distant relative? A work colleague? A boy I like? A boy that likes me?

Is he trying to date me? Or just texts me when he's bored?

I'm going to keep responding because Mean Brain won't let me stop. I'd originally decided to just treat him as a Penpal and respond during work hours. 

Do I trust my instincts? Do I trust the internet? Do I trust general dating rules? Do I trust his actions or his words?

It shouldn't be this difficult. It shouldn't be this tenuous - like one wrong thing and you've lost the person forever.

But really what have I lost?

Is this some divine plan in the exercise of temperance?

If there is no "One," then what exactly am I afraid of losing.

So I think I just need to washout and reset this month. 

Februrary will be a month of work and self care. No humans!

Where do I even begin?

 Work is overwhelming. I wish I had someone to call. I'm trying not to cry. I wish I knew my job better. I've been spending more money, but mostly on food. Actually, only on food. I've been eating out ever since the Incident of 2022. I refuse to name names.

More importantly, I've been eating in my car. I've been overeating a little since I just will eat the one meal and hope I don't get hungry again before bed. So far seems to be working okay.

Lowe's officially cancelled my order or something. So still no washer or dryer while I wait for a new credit card. Womp, womp. 

The dumb boy called. At first I wanted to believe it was Love. For a fleeting moment, I thought it all made sense. Obviously, Lowe's cancelled my order so I wouldn't rush to delete this number and thus not be tempted to call him or contact him. (Lowe's uses the same number I gave to the boy.) I wasn't even going to blog about it because I wanted to erase him from my memory. So I waited a day and responded, hopeful he'd ask me out. Surely, the Fates were in my favor! I did try to feed a homeless man and donated to a dead father's children's college fund. Surely, I would be favored right here on earth. Nope, as Logical Brain recently acknowledged - we all know the rules. We live in the same society, and we all know the rules. He's not shy or inexperienced. He's not so genuine that his intentions are pure. He's playing me. He's lonely and bored and likes the attention. So do I. 

I broke my own rule (based on good mental outcomes) and texted in the middle of the night. So now I am and am going to be annoyed all day because he's not texting me back. I KNOW with hard evidence he tends to text between 11p and 12midnight my time. So that's the whole day gone to Feelings.

I just want things to happen so much even when they're contrary to fact. I have so many distant relatives, I don't know why I can't just treat him like that because that's essentially what he is. Is it time to move him to the Tuesday rotation? See how this weekend goes? 

I think I need like a final act to push him over the edge to we're definitely just online penpals that will never meet and have no future. After 40 years, this is all I know so I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept that these dudes are not into me. At All.

I never heard back about that Sr Manager role. I got really excited about that. Can you imagine getting another six-figure job!!! 

I'm still camping out upstairs.

I have to volunteer this weekend. And honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. I have work on the brain. 

I'm about ready to be done with this project.

Yesterday I had to schedule/ re-schedule 3 doctor's appointments. All because of work. I decided to go ahead with the biopsy because the doctor's office has now called me 3 times and sent a certified letter. They said I could bring someone with me. Ha.  

I put in a request for a work phone, so we'll see how that goes. There's a 0% chance it's going to get approved but with all these time zones and increasing workload, I think I'll achieve greater work-life balance. At least that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. 

 

Wednesday, What Dreams May Come

 Work is heating up. I really don't understand a lot of my job, but I'm getting there. I have an HR screen for a potential 2nd job. I hope it goes well. I prepped and reviewed my resume and job description.

I told someone about it so that may not work in my favor. Honestly, if I were looking at my resume I'd be impressed.

Still feeling a little lost without any real goals for this year (2022). I think I had some loose personal and/or mental health goals. But that's more for show than anything. Mental health is all the rage.

I'm proud of myself for going to get a physical, but my big plans of setting up therapy and physical therapy just have been pushed to the wayside.

I like goals with measurable objectives and metrics. Feelings and even lack of pain feelings just don't give the same pizazz.

Am I happier today than I was yesterday? Do I feel less rejected today than I did Friday? Hrmph.

Money goals were easier however daunting they were when I first started.

I spent a lot eating out these last few days. Like a human, I've actually gotten used to just staying upstairs. Now it's another mental hurdle to feel comfortable being downstairs again. Meh, or I could just stay camped-up up here.

Who knows.

Trying to kill time before my interview.

Think I'll splurge on some cut fresh fruit today for lunch. My body could use a boost of nutrition after my 7-day fried feast. 

I can't believe it's only Day 3 of the week. So many money moves and contact from people, it feels like a lifetime of things. I have to run a big meeting next week and I have no idea how it's going to go. Oh, Lord, please help me!

I think we're tabling the Husband Hunt indefinitely. Honestly, I'm surprised the Feelings lasted this long. I thought it was just seasonal because of the holidays and light workload. But yeah, onwards.

I got a $100 sign up bonus yesterday for an account I opened a few months ago. I used part of it to fund a 529 for a family friend's kids that lost their dad recently. 

Getting closer to getting a phone. I think I'll need one to do my taxes this year because the app requires 2-factor authentication. And then after that, I think I'll be able to sign up for Mint Mobile. 

Maybe I can get a phone for my own needs. It doesn't actually have to mean I give the number out. I can still have old fam and friends email me. I'm not signing for 2 more decades of being anyone else's low priority.

Yeah, I think that's how I have to look at it. The modern world is forcing me to have a real cell phone. I'll just get the cheapest one to meet my needs. 

Once I get the phone, I'm definitely going to change my GV number once more and likely get a new one just in case.  I'd like to think I was emotionally resilient enough to keep the old one, but that would not be consistent with reality.

Luckily the weather is nice outside. I hope it stays. I don't remember much what February weather is like. Probably a few more cold days will sneak in there. 

No Magic Candy Romance For You! (And the Washer, Dryer Saga)

 So yes, day 4 of ghosting. I'd love to say it hurts a little bit less and maybe it does. It has its moments.

I spent the better part of the morning making money moves. Remember how I thought oh, my washer and dryer was delayed because I needed to not feel tempted to change my number because magically the Boy was going to contact me on the third day. NOPE! BIG FAT NOPE.

As it turns out who did contact me was Lowe's and the Credit Card company. Because I locked my card after the purchase I guess when Lowe's went to set up the delivery the card was declined. I'm not sure how that works but probably wait for the charges to go through first instead of pending before locking the card.

I knew that, but oh well. I bought furniture on Wayfair and the appliances on Lowe's within a few minutes of each other. The Wayfair stuff came but Lowe's took its sweet time to finalize the charge.

Anyway, it would be simple just to unlock the card and have them re-run it...butttttttt home girl was like let me try again to get another credit card sign up bonus. So I did one for Wells Fargo. It's not the usual return I would get but I wanted to figure it out in a hurry so I just went with that one. So for a $1k spend, I get $200 back. (I prefer the $500 spend for $200 back, but here we are.)

The outstanding Lowe's balance is $800, and I was approved for the new CC. But it wasn't one of those where they tell you the credit card number right away so I have to wait a week for the card. Womp, womp. 

Obviously that would be way too easy.

I was going to close one of these High Yield accounts with too many hoops today since the interest rate has plummeted from 3% to 1% and you still have to jump through the hoops. But at the last minute I decided to keep it since, for now, I'm still planning to Hoard Cash for FIRE.

This year is only a month in and it's already all over the place. I can't wait to reach some sort of steady state whatever that may look like. I looked at my proposed budget for 2022 and it was almost laughable. 

I think for the most part I'm still going to keep my target spending, but it's more how the savings will land that will be different. For the two paychecks in January, I did 50% to 401k, $1250/pp to my Hub account, and the rest to Hoard Cash for FIRE.