Not a hero's journey, and that's okay

 I always have so many thoughts but I realize they're not full thoughts when I try to write them out. Somehow I think my brain pings on certain feelings with these verbal indicators that really aren't anything. 

It's like my brain decides what it wants to feel, and just finds different indicators to keep it in that stage. Weird, huh.

I read something on Mark Manson that happiness is just the absence of negative emotions. Interesting, right?

Some of what he was saying seemed to confirm what an old therapist said - feelings just...are. Not good, not bad. They just...are.

Hmm.

I read another blogger yesterday - Fiery Millennials. I'm glad she posted the non-hero's journey. I love reading the confident young people's blogs. Having faced little to no adversity, they are so confident in their convictions. There's one blogger I'm keeping an eye on that I can't wait to see their change of heart once they have a little wobble. We shall see. 

Anyway with Fiery Millennials, she fell for the whole FIRE suite - quit your job, get a rental property, buy a house, eschew all the things.

Have it fail spectacularly and learn the lessons. 

But hey I did it too.

FIRE definitely is a solution for a lot of us in a time of minor crisis. It just makes sense. But then either through the accumulation of money or new life challenges, it suddenly seems less important. Been there.

Anyway, this blogger actually tried the house-hack and it sucked. She was one of the ones that had bad outcomes. That's the thing with me. I know landlording is just not for me. I hate customer service and dealing with people. I'm just not compelled to do extra things. I think that's what I liked about Root of Good... everything about his journey was so modest and methodical. There were no real hacks. He tried renting out his condo after he moved and then realized it wasn't for him but there were no dreams to build a real estate portfolio.

I see the appeal when it works well. I don't even enjoy home ownership - can you imagine managing a property. 

So if I got one of those remote work move incentives, the "easy" thing seems to be rent out the house, but managing other people... grrr. But with money, luckily, I wouldn't have to.

I did a mock-up budget of my time in Tulsa, and it was completely affordable.

I forget sometimes that I actually make money! I really do. 

I like saving because I know that I can count on the feeling. Spending is still a variable. 

I had steak and lobster yesterday on my Monday staycation day... it was tasty. Still tasty. But it's funny how 2 minor things dampened the experience a bit compared to the first time. The first time I ordered from Outback, they got my order exactly right with silverware and napkins and curbside was fast. 

This time they just forgot chives, no napkins, and I had to wait six minutes and go inside. Suddenly, it wasn't this experience I wanted to replicate. Weird, right. I guess the businesses that prioritize customer service really know what's up! 

On other things.

US Bank's bonus isn't working out, so I have to let that go.

Chase - the one I've been dying for and was beating myself up for diverting money elsewhere didn't work out, and I surprisingly let that go.

I started off this year rearing with bankbonuses but in the end, I'll be lucky if I get much more than $1k this year. Oh well. 

I had weird feelings diverting my extra cash from extra 401k contributions to my brokerage. I really like the automation of the payroll deduction. Somehow now with just going to my brokerage, it feels restrictive, and aggressive, and odd. 

Eventhough I've been saying I don't want more than $10k in cash floating around, automatically diverting that money to my brokerage just feels restrictive. Weird right?

Here's my proposed paycheck:

- $800 something dollars/ pp - to regular bills

- $1400 or $1600/pp - to broker to be autoinvested

- balance ($800-something) to Lifestyle Fund

So there's a part of me that likes having access to the money I guess? I think there was some appeal in hitting the annual max in my 401k that was motivating. This way, there's no achievement I guess. Because it almost feels not enough.

Yep, there's no badge. 

Even for the pre-tax max...there's a badge of... hey, I maxed out my 401k! Rockstar!

But if I just saved $20k in an account..the number feels so paltry. Like so.... $20k... big whoop. Which is weird! 

So I just need some packaging, I guess. Like I always say, the marketing works on me. 

So I'm working on feelings and trying to re-package this boredom.

I stayed up till after midnight last night reading Fiery Millennials. Before I didn't count that as reading, but it is! I guess I like to read. I just get frustrated because it takes so long to find a good blog to binge. I guess similar to shows. 

So I'll try the auto-investment to broker, but it just doesn't feel as good. 

Since I realized how much extra money I had to spend, I wondered if I would just move to Tulsa by myself. But then remembered the big draw of the program is the community.

Eventhough I don't believe in signs and destiny and fate, I will have to be comforted that there are gatekeepers to the program. So that if I don't get accepted, I won't round up that oh... God is looking out for me.. but rather the program directors know or have a presumption who would benefit most from the opportunity. And since I don't want to be put in any more non good-fit positions, this aligns with what I want out of my life right now. No more hard stuff. I benefit from their insight = good packaging. 

I'm not fighting anyone for anything. No mas. 

So I think I stumbled on the Mark Manson site because I was trying to understand what people mean when they say "The Universe." Quoi? 

And I didn't understand what "The Secret" and visualizing was. 

I know with visualizing, it helped me but not in the woo-woo way, it helped me to have my ACHIEVABLE goals written down on poster paper in my office because when I wanted to quit, I would remember why I was still in the game. (A hijabi woman once told me this is why she wears a hijab - to remember who she is and what she represents; we all love symbols, I'm looking at you wedding rings, cross necklaces, even designer brands.)

I had expense and net worth tracking notes everywhere, because luckily, that needle kept moving...even it went down. 

I'm just a goal oriented/ task-oriented person. But only with Achievable things.

I probably could make real estate investing work, if I made it a goal. But I really just don't want to. 

Writing things down help me for the sheer fact that I forget stuff and my feelings take over. 

Like I know not to make plans to end my life this year because I wrote it down and said I wouldn't. For me, it's that simple. It's like oh you feel bad... that's fine, but you're not going to do anything permanent about it this year. Try again in 2024. 

It worked in 2021 when I decided to lean into the pandemic and only spent money on housing and food. Oh my ceiling is leaking, okay cool, put off those repairs until 2022. 

I can do many things when there is a short finite amount of time and the end is clearly marked. 

Exercise and dieting - not so much. 

I just don't want to.

Like landlording and side hustling. Ugh. 

I signed up for mystery shopping, but to get out of my house for $10... ugh.

Oh, I was giving grief to Fiery Millennials, but I did the same thing. Dove head first into FIRE. I set out lofty goals and crunched the numbers and came up with a FI number. You got to start somewhere. I quit my job for a "sabbatical"...so on brand with FIRE. To be fair, wanting to quit my job or find something else was Why I found FIRE in the first place. So it didn't make me, but it just validated my feelings. Everyone was doing it...why not me. 

FIRE pushed me to look for a higher paying job...until the new posts started preaching about Enough. So I went with that. FIRE pushed me to get a side hustle - including starting a blog and getting a part-time job. To be fair, the part-time job I got was from an application I put in way before FIRE, but being on the path confirmed the Yes when the offer came. I thought it was a blessing...but really just confirmation bias. 

Anyway, my FIRE journey has now evolved so I'm looking more for how people are spending their money; enjoying life; and optimizing taxes. That's just where I am. 

I learned now that 'signs' are just confirmation bias. I can just add this to my life decoder. 

I've lost my concentration as my work meeting has started, but I will be back with more thoughts.