Was it racism all along?

 I remember in yesterday's Sunday Distress thinking... there is something wrong and I've tried on quite a few narratives that just don't fit - questioning my sexuality, PTSD from the war (suggested by counselor), singlehood (suggested by society), depression, spectrum-adjacent, highly sensitive, sexual assault.

But today Katie Counselor said sometimes trauma can make it hard to make decisions. And maybe think clearly. I had blurted out that I hated NC because it's been so traumatic to live here. I don't know if I never made that realization before. But I think I had and no one really took me seriously.

White Male Counselor doesn't really engage. I spew it out to my work colleague and she seemingly is constantly trying to prove me wrong or just doesn't see what I see (which makes me question if it's really happening); I remember a defining moment with my cousin near the end of professional school where I felt dismissed by her and that it was somehow my fault. Yes, it's my fault people treat me poorly.

But if racism is the biggest source of my trauma and the weird mash of emotional overwhelm I find myself stuck in, it definitely makes a lot of things make more sense. Through this lens, this is why moving is so hard...how dare I pick up and move all my stuff to literally any place only to be assaulted by this...again. It's a known. I think it will make me feel like I'm out of options. It's risky because I only have one more door left when I feel out of options. 

And so I say I'm looking for a compelling reason but what I'm really looking for is a guarantee of no racism. Which no one can provide me. So I'm hyperaware of slights and they are discouraging. 

DC was fun, but it's not immune to racism. Also on a personal note, it feels like failure a bit. I tried so hard to make it on my own to just end up right back where I started. Also, I think same cousin had laughed at me once in a smug way when we were parting ways in LA...saying something like...you're going to end up in Maryland anyway. But I think that was more than 15 years ago now. And I did end up back in DC on her couch. So that fear of failure is actually a bit - been there done that in the clear light of day. 

Oh I forgot about Beaumont. Hmmm... I don't know man. I'm just tired of starting over. I don't know where to make it or how to know when I've arrived.

I think for now though, I do want a more active social life to offset this work life - busy or slow. Cuz when it's slow...it feels like... duh, do something fun. And when it's busy --it feels like duh, do something fun. 

Also... like I've been doing with TV shows and other areas of my life...small doses of everything. I can't eat chips and cookies everyday -  I tried that. But that cookie tastes wayyy better when you haven't had one in 2 months. 

Give your body a chance to make it new again. 

If the menstrual cycle is 28 days... I think that's a good circuit for me. Not sure what this means yet exactly though. 

P.S. - I might be being dramatic...but I've been here for 12 years. I remember the first time I drove to professional school and turning back because I didn't want to go. If I still believed in signs, there were so many saying this was the wrong thing to do. So by Sep 1, 2023, I gotta be out of here.