I want a trophy, darn it!

 Just finished therapy and as always there was some tears threatening to fall. Not all my tears are because I'm sad.

Sometimes I'm frustrated, overwhelmed...bored.

He basically said you can have symptoms that indicate depression (loss of interest, isolation, boredom, etc) but that doesn't mean you're depressed. Definition of depression - sadness and low moods. Take medicine and if you feel better, that confirms it biologically (ie brain deficiency). But you can also be depressed without a biological reason. 

Meh. I don't care.

So I guess White Male Therapist is more of a solutions-based therapist. I don't need solutions really. I just like talking about my feelings and what's going on. 

It's like my life is the show, and I just want to talk about it. 

I guess now I'm just coming to terms with the fact that my life choices don't garner any applause or trophies. 

It sucks. Everyone catches up and it doesn't matter that I accumulate x amount of money or retire early. My peer group will encounter yx amount of money and eventually retire. Doing it first gets me nothing.

Ouch. Yeah, I guess I'm someone who has enjoyed trophies and accolades. I want a trophy, darn it! 

Where's my party!

So yeah, something else to grieve - death of an overachiever.

Being regular is boring.

Oh just had a thought, if I can have negative feelings about Frenemy not returning a call or a message (after they called me). Or committee members sending birthday greetings with no follow-up (ie, the same as the automated one I got from my bank), can you imagine trying to correspond with Dan! Def, not ready. Phew.

What a good realization.

I only ended up doing 3 transactions today on my list of financial tasks. I'll just punt it to next Tuesday. A large part of it is waiting for things to post. I'd rather just do the bulk of these tasks when everything has posted then doing a little bit and having to check. 

Then back to enjoying my nothingness...with no trophies or applause or accolade. This really is retirement. Hrmph. 

Did I ever like my friends or was I their friend because they needed me as a friend. And I thought if I didn't do nice things for people, I wouldn't get to heaven. 

P.S. - Therapist was asking me about an arbitrary time 15 years ago...and what I did with my free-time. I was living in LA with a committee member. Did I enjoy it? What did we do? 

I think the things were did was because it was for the 'gram. Granted, I don't think instagram was around that time. But it was fun to post pictures people might envy. Did it for the story. 

I've been dreaming of a mountain escape, but those kinds of rentals are hard to come by in the standard spaces. But I think I also like fancy apartments and cooking meal kits.