YESTERDAY WAS BAD. VERY BAD. THIS MORNING WAS BAD. VERY BAD.
I was heaving, sobbing for most of the day yesterday. I calmed down for 1 hour and ate. I thought I was fine but was back at it until sleeping. I woke up sobbing. I just felt so gutted. I don't know another word.
I'm so scared about all these big bad feelings that I haven't had to feel for a long time. I'm angry, upset, sad, disheartened. I feel nervous and anxious.
I don't feel emotionally safe with that man. But as the victim, I am, I'm still thinking of working with him. I was so sure this would be the last time, but I figure just use him to get what I need.
The world is a cruel place and I seem to be its mortal enemy.
Part of my brain wants to recall all the "signs" or call on "Jesus," but to what end.
(OMG...as I'm writing this my Frenemy is trying to convince me a MWM is not mediocre. This is who my therapist thinks I should be getting advice from. Hard Pass.)
I was looking for a compelling reason to leave, and I've been hit with a water hose of feelings. Ugh.
My biggest concern is waiting to do it until September. I'm letting feelings and a little reason guide this next phase of my life.
Offerpad offered me about $121k for my house and after their 6% fees, and paying off my mortgage loan, I walk away with about $40k. I really want $50k. I think at $50k, I would have felt more compelled to sign the offer and figure out how to move out of here by May.
But 40k is good, but not great. So I think I've bought myself some time.
New timeline:
March - relax, if possible; still try to suss out workload for at least april
- thinking next week by tues, start looking at tickets and lodging for Philadelphia; book by Thursday; I don't even know if I have enough money in any one place to book this but we'll see
April - mental and physical getaway to Philly; I'm not putting pressure on myself to scope it out for anything in particular as I was thinking of going before I decided to move; but since I'll be there, just get a general sense of danger and suitability
May - work trip; then Seattle trip and planning; hope to start sorting through clothes at very least
Jun - have fun summer getaway in Seattle
July/Aug - prep to sell house and move
Sep - move to Philly
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