Even more thoughts on emotional independence

 So I'm continuing to reflect and ruminate on emotional independence, specifically in the context of financial independence.

I'm looking at emotional currency and emotional safety net.

I remember when my primary caregiver passed away, the best way I could describe it was feeling like my emotional safety net was snatched away. But the thing was, I never even realized it was there. 

So through the grief and tears, I immediately wanted another person to fill that role.

Like a job I guess.

I found myself 'unemployed' emotionally - I didn't have a source of emotional income or support anymore.

And I lost my mind. 

So I tried to find it in other people. Specifically a romantic relationship. If I could just get someone to commit to me, I would never be alone and emotionally lacking again.

It's that elusive search for the dream job. 

But I reeked of desperation an anxious attachment. 

But somehow I've cobbled myself back together. I have only the passive income of past relationships to feed off of.  I have the psychological benefit of the years I spent being cared for and old friendships. I have the margin of extended family for the most dire of circumstances. I have the semblance of enough.

I also have therapy. 

And I have myself.

I have enough within me to be my own emotional support system. 

That's where it's a little different from financial independence. There wasn't anything external that was empty and I could see continue to increase.

It was a mindset change. 

I know that what I have right now is enough. It's me, my wonky brain, professional help, and the dividends of past relationships. Having had a supportive caregiver and friends in the past helped me to get to where I am now. It also provides good data on what is actually beneficial.

I have the memories of friendships. At times, it's souring to know they ended. But I also have the benefit of having experienced them.

So now, when I think of reaching out to boys I used to be interested in, I evaluate it like the FI community is taught to do. Do I have the emotional currency to afford this? Is it valuable enough? Does it add enough joy to my life to make the emotional currency spent worth it? 

If I want to reach out to a high risk human, I can ask myself if I have the emotional currency for this interaction.

No, I don't. 

I have just enough to get me through the next moment. And I have to have a little reserve for the variables like microaggressions and stress at work. I don't have emotional currency to spare for risky, variable, non-essential interactions like new friendships or romantic entanglements. I have to prioritize what I spend my emotional currency on. Just like you do with monetary transactions.

I didn't have to do this as ostensible with real FIRE, but it is certainly a practice I'm learning with emotional independence. 

Ok, that's enough for now, I have a 1:1 I have to get ready for.