Bonus Day is the best day ever!

 This time after the disaster of March 2021, I went into bonus day with no expectations. I was low key just thinking I'll be happy with the 100% that is pretty much guaranteed unless you're on a performance improvement plan. I am not! 

Eventhough, I was fairly certain given what's been done in the past, I would get more. But I paid no attention to the numbers. And I got the same bonus amount as last year! Win! Aaaaand, I got a 4% raise! Small potatoes for the rest of the world, but for my working life, I've historically gotten just a 2% raise. Maybe it's inflation and what everyone got, but I was happy! I am hoping it's because I asked for more and called out the fact that I'm 10% below market rate. That would be the cherry on top, but for now I can bask in this narrative. 

But let's count my many blessings:

- Working from home

- Virtually 2 weeks with no work - which I actually could anticipate ahead of time and skipped out of town! Wasn't ballsy enough to leave the country, but that's okay.

I will say in middle adulthood, time slowed down a bit for me. You get used to the cycle of things. I can think of nothing at this point that feels once-in-a-lifetime. Yeah, I might miss some sales, but there will probably be something that's an even better deal the next time around. I thought I'd reached this level of reasoning and problem solving when I had 30 years of data. But with 39 years of data, I know even more about predictable outcomes! 

I have to say claiming this emotional independence has been a game changer! It's amazing. I was privied to someone else's emotional journey recently, and like we FIers are wont to do... I couldn't help but reflect on my position. I grandstanded a little internally, like...phew, I'm so glad I'm not a slave to the emotional labor of human connections. 

A great interaction with another human is like an emotional windfall, but it's not something I can count on or something I need to depend on. 

Yasssssssssss! 

I feel great. Really, really great! Now how can I bottle this up and feel like this all the time! 

The next thing I want to do is try to figure out how much I'm going to net. To be sure, my gross bonus is about $32k and some change. I don't even remember how much the net was last year, but this year I'm tucking away about 27% to my 401k so it can be maxed out by the end of this month. Actually, I wonder if I have enough time to change it to max it out for this Mar 15 pay check. I think I just wanted it maxed out by end of March. 

I really don't want to run those numbers again. So I might do nothing. And then I'll just keep the 6% after tax to continue to get the match, and just save a bit more...cuz why not.

Yay!! I feel free.

Dude, I woke up in Nashville to a windfall of money and a slow workday. I did a DIY vegan bakery tour yesterday, and it was oddly fun in a low key way. I am learning or maybe re-learning to enjoy my own company.

Downtown Nashville, specifically, the bus depot had quite a bit of colorful characters. Basically, I finally saw black people! 

Now that I'm on this high, I'm going to grandstand and make a lot of big sweeping thoughts.

As much as I mostly hate where I live, I think it's fine. I'll live there forever. Who cares. I'll just keep taking these random trips and spending this money. And then I'll die.

I feel freed (yet again, albeit), but free...again...nonetheless. With my new stance on emotional independence, I'm no longer a slave to this emotional deficit. I'm okay. And as it turns out I'll be okay.

In a grand sweep, I even dare to day, tracking my emotions has helped in the same way tracking my spending helps. It's impactful to just notice, I don't ALWAYS feel anyway. I do feel the same thing OFTEN, but not ALWAYS. 

So yes, my life will likely resemble a cycle of low days and neutral days and some good days mixed in. I will probably never reach rad. But I hope I don't fall back into awful anytime soon. Like with finances, I will never reach billionaire status, and even millionaire status is a bit of a reach, but poverty is also very low risk. Dare I say virtually impossible, at least not in the next 10 years. 

At 40, I'm finally getting a hold of my emotional house. It sucks that it was in such disrepair, but oh well.  I was overspending on things that I didn't value, and not spending on the things I did. All my emotional energy was spent on achieving and making friends that didn't last. Honestly, not all were bad, just not long lasting. And I was able to get 2 jobs from friends, so no hate there. But had I done inventory on my emotional investment, I would have prioritized my aunt. That's my single regret.

But I was raging about work so much, that after graduation, that's where my emotional energy went. Just being mad. And not really knowing what to do about it. Now that I was able to tease out the financial component, I can focus on the emotional side. 

After my aunt's death, my emotional bank was empty, at a deficit even. I tried all kinds of things to fill it - pursuing a new job; overachieving in my old job; trying so hard to get my old manager to consider me like family - I wanted her to take care of me...weird of me. I hate to be dramatic and say I escaped an abusive relationship...because it wasn't like that... it was just a weird 1-sided entanglement of my own design. I chased romantic relationships I had once scoffed at because that hole was so deep and vast and it consumed me. 

Then I hit rock bottom and took Step 2 of 4 to end my life. Or step 98 of 100, who knows...

And now I'm here.