Last day of age 38

 Yep, I made it... whole and true..38 years on earth. Wow, who'd a thunk it.

Can I be done yet?

My counselor is taking another 2 weeks off for vacation. My alert system was thinking he might retire soon given his freely taking time off. My alert system (ie, my rational brain) warned me of this around the time I re-upped my FSA card. Anyway, I finally asked him, and he said he's pretty much semi-retired. Works as much or as little as he wants to.

Also said he did this for 17 years with the state. So there's that.

I don't love the inconsistency. I also don't love how we don't delve into some of my darker feelings. We spend a lot of time talking about relationships.

When it's the feelings I want to understand, not relationships. 

I am reaching out to Katie to see if she will supplement.

I also should probably try to set up some time with EAP on Sundays, since that's probably the only time I can get someone to work weekends. 

I guess there's always church. That's free, at least. 

There's a couple outdoor meetups tomorrow (Saturday), but I don't really want to go. I might regret that later.

In a way, I'm kind of glad I don't have that weeklong trip in Wilmington this weekend. I'm kind of tired of being around people.

I'm glad it's a little cool this weekend.

I think for the most part, I'm just going to wait until I feel compelled to do something before I do it.

I'll still try to keep myself safe, but trying to anticipate every bad feeling and plan for it is a bit exhausting. 

Even with traveling. I'm tired of best laid plans and contingency plans. I don't know which one is worse - the stress of pre-planning; or the stress of dealing with a situation that could've been prevented. 

I like that it's raining. It makes me want a McDs biscuit. 

I've been working from bed the last couple of days and it's been awesome. Why'd I never think of this! 

I guess I technically do this when I'm away from home because in PST, I'd have to wake up super early.  But I was mostly asleep.

I wasn't able to setup new savings accounts online with Hub Bank and that was frustrating, but I'm getting really into these bucket savings. I just want to mentally have the money parsed out.

I think overall, I'm only keeping $10k out in cash. 

Once my bonus check hits, I'll have completely funded my FIRE Cash Stash with 2 years of expenses and my FIRE journey, however lean, is officially complete. I'm getting even more used to the idea of just keeping those accounts separate from my regular banking.

A bit more complex, but it avoids having to interact with that money regularly and minimizes temptation to manipulate it. Which is great. 

I don't want to respond to Dan. Who dates their rapist?

Me, it seems.

Not an emotionally independent person, that's who.

So it can't be me. 

But once I tell myself not to want it, guess what happens next.

I'm hesitant to bring this up in counseling. Mostly because I want to move past it. 

Anyway...

what is making me spiral down this path.

What is it about me that makes men take advantage of me. You'd think by now, I'd have at least one healthy romantic relationship instead of a string of borderline assaulty/abusive entanglements.

Anyway, so I was going to do a state of the union at age 38. Like how I wanted to do with FIRE. Wherever I was is what I was going to be. 

Friends - none really

Work - meh, the downtime is nice. The actual work = not for the longterm.

Money - enough for leanFIRE

House - hate it; too many pests; too much maintenance

Life - not that attached to it.

Well, this got grim.