The sooner I accept my lot in life

 Not to sound over dramatic but I think the sooner I accept my lot in life, the less emotional turmoil I will face. I can stop wondering. Stop searching. Stop seeking. Stop crying! This isn't the same as accepting it as okay. This isn't the same as being happy. I wholeheartedly reject it and I don't want it. But I don't know another word.

But I want to get off the emotional rollercoaster.

I see things other people don't see. I see gender bias and racial discrimination. I see social injustices and there's not much I can do about it. The machine is bigger than me. Being mad about it just poisons my soul. I was recalling that even as a young person, I used to speak out against what I thought was unfair treatment. I got in trouble then. And I'm getting in trouble now.

I don't see myself being happy longterm. But I'm putting down my fight...for now and hopefully forever. I know I've been saying this over and over since the beginning of this blog. This time it has to stick. I have no more stones to overturn.

I have more than enough data points that I'm screaming into the void.

It sucks I never got to celebrate my FIRE achievements out loud. The Lamentation years are over. No one is coming to save me. Not even myself.

So what does my life look like now?

Top of mind - don't send anything else to Tulsa remote because that is the first thing I'm thinking. But that fear (and the tears) are just hope leaving the body. 

If I get in, I'll go. The easiest route possible.

Probably therapy just to make it through this year, but not much more than what I'm doing now (Katie suggested group therapy for distress tolerance...but I don't need that if I'm not choosing any more distressing options).

I think all the searching was just rejecting the Death House and the slow March to it, I find myself in.

Work - just coast until the road gets bumpy. Five years and a million dollars is no longer a loose goal. 

I'm not sure I'm going to go on my trips I had planned this year. It's part of the plan for the year, so I might just as default if it's easy to book, but what's the point? 

I'm not actively trying to live either. Which isn't the same as actively trying to die, to be sure.

I'm just going to keep floating until something pulls me under. Which is more likely than any of the other outcomes. 

The only goal for this year is to make it to Dec 31, 2023. 

After that, it's a freefall.