Brain playing tricks on me

 Observations:

- Woke up in Nashville on this fine Saturday morning

- Although I was fine just yesterday, morning tears threatened to fall

- Brain is trying to convince me to live out a fantasy in which I return to Seattle and Sean magically falls in love with me! Oh, how I've missed you, Brain

- I'm fascinated by Living with a Fi. To this day, I've never seen a man actively love his wife and family of origin, but he lives for it! When I hear it, it just sounds like a thing people say....like, of course I love my kids....but men loving their wives and parents...and actively caring for them...foreign to me. 

- Been thinking more about White Male Therapist. He doesn't quite get me. Might go to every other week and add White Female Therapist to the lineup

- Thought I was okay not having anything to do for March, but thinking I want to go somewhere else rather than return to NC on Monday

- Wow, can't believe I'm booking it out of here in 2 days!

- Been avoiding email since Landing and Orkin have not given me what I wanted. Thinking might punt this to April because I refuse to bogged down with CSR nonsense in my birthday month

- Now that next project is pushed back at least a week...kinda wanting to make plans for the whole month, where I find myself not here

- Realized Frenemy and I just don't have the same sense of humor; I find them a bit oppositional; last-wordy; and defensive. Hmmmm

- Emotional Independence is wayyyyy harder than FI. I have to work on it everyday! This must be what it feels like when people struggle with counting calories or counting coins

My last credit union CD matured yesterday, can't wait to move that money out of there! 

Been a game changer to think of reading blog posts as reading. I no longer feel guilty spending all day reading them. Awesome!

Everyday I just want to pat myself on the back. I can't believe I've made it virtually all these years virtually alone. Just me, myself, and I. Wow.

I'm realizing in pursuing FI, I can relate to the wife in Living with a FI. And as a high achiever, I think it'll be hard. Even now, my peer group are reaching milestones I won't. No one to celebrate me or give me compliments or the external validation I've grown up with.

This is also mixed in with EI.

I won't have a wedding or any wedding anniversaries for the rest of my life. Not a 1st, or 5th, or 10th or 50th. I won't have an engagement party or a bridal shower. I won't have a baby shower or get togethers for 1st birthdays or 5th birthday or high school gradations. Or college graduations or that proud moment that the thing you created is a doctor or saving the world. 

I won't have any visitors in my old age. 

I'll never have a retirement party. I won't have any more promotions. I'll likely never be a millionaire.

I won't live in a nice house or ever have a dinner party. I'll never know what it's like to own a luxury car or have a beach house or own a boat. Or live by the water. 

I won't have a summer house or lake house or ski chalet. 

I'll never be a VP or an Executive Director.

No one will ever celebrate me. Ever. 

I'll never get another word of external validation. I'll never fit in with my peers. I'll never be a part of any social milestone conversation. I'm out of the conversation completely. All of it forever. 

What kind of life is this?

Do you see what I mean when I say I've reached the end.