Everything is not awesome

 I just find myself stuck in a cycle. Bored? Obviously, you should just apply for this job. All your dreams will come true! Bored? Contact that boy that was nice to you that one time! All your dreams will come true! Bored? You just need to leave and find the perfect place! All your dreams will come true.

My brain is fried from all the planning and plotting. I'm taking a month off from planning and plotting.

In April, the following rules:

- Thou shalt run no numbers, no budgets, no expenses, no projections, no adjustments in payroll or brokerage or 401k

- Thou shalt not look up any apartments

- Thou shalt not apply to any jobs

- Thou shalt not try to figure out mortgage

- Thou shalt not try to figure out renting vs selling house

- Thou shalt not look up flights to anywhere (eg, Seattle, etc)

- Thou shalt not apply to any relocation programs

- Thou shalt not contact anyone (no boys, old friends, flings)

- Thou shalt join no dating apps

- Thou shalt not apply for any bank bonuses, open no new accounts, no credit cards (exception for the one 0% interest, but at this point, might as well wait till May)

- Thou shalt not think about money, budgets, jobs, relocating, or figuring out my life

So over the weekend I actually documented a projected budget in my spreadsheet. I thought I'd accounted for Student Loans this whole time, so I don't know if I did the math wrong or what, but paying $2500/mon for housing and $800/mon for student loans doesn't leave me with much money.

I thought I could live 'my rich life' on $60k in Philadelphia, but that turned out to be wrong.

With just maxing out my 401k at 22.5k, my net pay living in Philadelphia turned out to be 69k. With just core expenses, I was at $55k. My loose savings goal for the next 5 years was to save $36k - which means $14k post tax. So on a $69k net salary, I would have to choose between having $14k for extras like traveling or other lifestyle upgrades or savings. 

I didn't think I'd have to choose. It just seems like I'm giving up a lot for what keeps me anchored for this great big unknown...that I've already lived through.

So even if the outcome is the same - staying in NC, the reasons why are evolving. I know I'm not happy here and I am resistant to the fact that this is all there is. But in the end... where did the last 8 years of my life go.

It just feels like a lot of distress. My hair is sprinkled with a lot more gray hair than I remember. I'm an old person. How did this happen?

It just feels like my options are to accept this life and wait to die. Or keep fighting the current and stressing myself out...it's present in my nerves and on top of my head. How can someone with such a light workload and no responsibilities be aging this fast? 

I just keep trying to hack my way out and I'm losing track of all the things I try, so I try them again with the same gusto and fervor.