Just stop fighting

 I came to the realization just a moment ago that sometimes:

- I will be bored

- I just won't have anything to do

- I'll run out of stuff to do

- I might get down, I might cry, I might feel depressed or low

- I might have regrets

- I might curse my life and my life choices

- Sometimes, I will have been happy, just yesterday

- Sometimes I'll feel like life is just a let down

But then other times:

- I relish my free time

- I like having no responsibilities or obligations

Just a minute ago, my 2 hour work meeting ended and as I've decided to work from bed today, I was just staring at my bedroom window.

For a few minutes, I wasn't trying to eagerly to fill the space, lest I realize I'm alone with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Maybe for a few minutes, I can let go of the need to appear busy. No one is actually watching. 

My mother of origin commented she wants to hear my voice everyday. I wondered how I can solve this briefly. Yes, it would be nice. Is this an answer to prayers? No, I've stopped praying.

Right now, I'm leaning into my solitude. I've already taken a snapshot of my life the way it was when I turned 39. That day. And I was alone. I cried, but then I stopped crying. Pay more attention to the fact that you stopped crying. 

So maybe in 3 months, I'll revisit establishing regular contact with a family member, but perhaps her comment was one said in passing, and not anything I actually need to solve for.

I love these moments of clarity. 

I'm flexible, I'm open. But on my own terms and with the information that's available. 

I love this cooling period I've worked into my life. Saving personal errands for 1 day of the week. It often can mitigate the distress caused by feelings of urgency.