Friday, end of March reflections

 Hmmm. 

I woke up cozily to my fan blowing on setting =1. I think I have finally figured out sleep. Go to sleep after 11:30p and keep the room cool. Also, eat dinner by 6:30p and last snack by 8p. Only took 40 years!

Also, my therapist is really nice. Is this what it's like to have a Dad? A boyfriend? A male friend? Wow! How lucky for the people who get this.

Even when I listen to / watch the 'I can teach you to be rich' podcasts and couples argue or disagree, I'm astonished that they're still together. So what makes people break up then? 

So March has been a weird month. I just cancelled my AA ticket for tomorrow. I think it's a pretty sure thing I'm not flying to Philadelphia tomorrow. The site didn't make it easy to choose a refund so I'm not sure I did it right. I spun into a tizzy for a bit. But when I looked the most recent cancellations I did was with Delta. So I don't know. I had to manually request a refund that then needs to be reviewed. I don't remember having to do that ever. 

I woke up a bit excited to chew on Philly a bit. I decided to just use the short term rental sites for leads on cool apartments. I picked 3 - and boy are they snazzy. Not going to lie, I was a little excited.

But as it tends to happen, I got a little confused on what 'affordable housing' is. Is $2500/mon a lot? How do other people do it? So I was going to play with the numbers a bit, just for funsies I guess.

So, yeah. March has been a weird month. I registered only a handful of 'green' days which is concerning. But oh well.

The cool weather is cozy so I don't feel as agitated about staying here all of April. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm trying not to think about anything too much. 

Feeling good

 I woke up on a cool day in late March, early spring. I love it. I love a cozy morning and a cozy evening. I wish I could have a mountain getaway but there just aren't any easy bookings.

So, I'm not sure if a meltdown is imminent but I feel surprisingly okay that I'm not in Philadelphia. We shall see though when Saturday comes and goes. And yesterday I did break out a pros/cons list for the 2 next cheaper lodging options. But as I'm wont to do ... I want the unit I wanted or NOTHING! Helpful, right? 

It probably helps that I've been distracted with phone calls from a personal colleague. So we'll see how April goes. 

It's unclear now if I'll be on site for work in mid-May for a couple months. I'm planning as though I will be. Either way, I have to attend all the presentations.

After telling myself to cool it on all the clicking, guess what I did:

- started looking for jobs (saying it's for a friend...classic)

- tried a mental exercise of the Frugalwoods - where do you want to be in 10 years

...career: work for max 5 more years or to reach 1 mill; but open to keeping working if workload stays light

lifestyle: active social life with friends and a partner, adventure, and community

finances: at least a million; comfortably living off at least $60k; if still working in 10 years, want to be at 1.5 million

- looked at new Philly places (and others) for an April getaway

- re-looked at Tulsa remote app, and edited my supplement

Anyway, I woke up because I knew I only had 2 things to do today, so why not wake up and do it.  Maybe if I get through this weekend, I'll book some Pilates sessions. I don't know, the moment has kind of passed.  Also, it's early pay day! 

Also some new nuggets from blogs

- you don't have to pursue financial independence or early retirement to have a healthy stable financial life (mind blowing! this is good for me to reconcile that other people can choose different financial paths than me)

- the idea of a FI number and a RE number. So my FI number is $500k, and my RE number is $1 million+

- for those that love to travel, you don't have to make it a goal to visit all the places..you can just visit the places you'd feel comfortable and it's okay to return to the ones you really enjoy (whoa!)

I think as I find it, it's interesting to read about how people have had to exercise some flexibility when they reach their FI number or even before...just things change, and it's okay. That's kind of where I am, I made it to my leanFIRE number in record time and I'm still a bit lost on what I want to do next. I'm unsure what my true options are or what I want. It doesn't help that I'm sort of not that attached to living. But today, I feel good. 

The sooner I accept my lot in life

 Not to sound over dramatic but I think the sooner I accept my lot in life, the less emotional turmoil I will face. I can stop wondering. Stop searching. Stop seeking. Stop crying! This isn't the same as accepting it as okay. This isn't the same as being happy. I wholeheartedly reject it and I don't want it. But I don't know another word.

But I want to get off the emotional rollercoaster.

I see things other people don't see. I see gender bias and racial discrimination. I see social injustices and there's not much I can do about it. The machine is bigger than me. Being mad about it just poisons my soul. I was recalling that even as a young person, I used to speak out against what I thought was unfair treatment. I got in trouble then. And I'm getting in trouble now.

I don't see myself being happy longterm. But I'm putting down my fight...for now and hopefully forever. I know I've been saying this over and over since the beginning of this blog. This time it has to stick. I have no more stones to overturn.

I have more than enough data points that I'm screaming into the void.

It sucks I never got to celebrate my FIRE achievements out loud. The Lamentation years are over. No one is coming to save me. Not even myself.

So what does my life look like now?

Top of mind - don't send anything else to Tulsa remote because that is the first thing I'm thinking. But that fear (and the tears) are just hope leaving the body. 

If I get in, I'll go. The easiest route possible.

Probably therapy just to make it through this year, but not much more than what I'm doing now (Katie suggested group therapy for distress tolerance...but I don't need that if I'm not choosing any more distressing options).

I think all the searching was just rejecting the Death House and the slow March to it, I find myself in.

Work - just coast until the road gets bumpy. Five years and a million dollars is no longer a loose goal. 

I'm not sure I'm going to go on my trips I had planned this year. It's part of the plan for the year, so I might just as default if it's easy to book, but what's the point? 

I'm not actively trying to live either. Which isn't the same as actively trying to die, to be sure.

I'm just going to keep floating until something pulls me under. Which is more likely than any of the other outcomes. 

The only goal for this year is to make it to Dec 31, 2023. 

After that, it's a freefall. 

Just checking in

 So I waited until today as my brain is a fickle companion. I checked AA to make sure flights were still the same price. They were... a little bit up.

Then I went to Zeus to look at lodging. Wouldn't you know, the place I had my eye on has been scooped up. Overnight. It was there yesterday and all the weeks before, but alas. Oh well.

Strangely, I wasn't that bummed by it.

These days, I'm strangely unaffected by some things. 

I've been in such turmoil over deciding what to do next that I decided to put all that thinking and decision making on pause for the month of April.

I'm 99% confident I'll have a light workload for April, so thought it'd be nice to jump a few states and get out of the house.

Oh well. Spending too much time thinking about it was making it lose its appeal anyway.

Even though I'm winding down on the emotional turmoil of moving to Philly, I'm still trying to drill down on what exactly the issue or question is...

Boils down to this, I think..

Fact: I have bought and paid for my life in Death House in NC. If I lose my job, I can sustain my basic existence forever. Yay.

Am I willing to disregard that to chase a different lifestyle in a new city? (most risky)

Do I just live my current lifestyle and flex up as able? (least risky)

Other thoughts that mitigate or aggregate the two sides:

- Wait till you're more emotionally stable; the recent melt down shows you're not.

- Or given that you've prepaid for a year of therapy, might as well make the change while you have the support. 

- It might just make financial (and thus emotional) sense, to just wait and see how things shape up when you reach 1 million dollars. 

But will I be even more risk averse at 1 mill and not want to spend down at 6%? 

Who can say?

What am I even chasing?

I thought this year was supposed to be simple, just follow your checklist. Your only goal this year was to: LIVE.

The rest is just noise. Stop the noise!

Everything is not awesome

 I just find myself stuck in a cycle. Bored? Obviously, you should just apply for this job. All your dreams will come true! Bored? Contact that boy that was nice to you that one time! All your dreams will come true! Bored? You just need to leave and find the perfect place! All your dreams will come true.

My brain is fried from all the planning and plotting. I'm taking a month off from planning and plotting.

In April, the following rules:

- Thou shalt run no numbers, no budgets, no expenses, no projections, no adjustments in payroll or brokerage or 401k

- Thou shalt not look up any apartments

- Thou shalt not apply to any jobs

- Thou shalt not try to figure out mortgage

- Thou shalt not try to figure out renting vs selling house

- Thou shalt not look up flights to anywhere (eg, Seattle, etc)

- Thou shalt not apply to any relocation programs

- Thou shalt not contact anyone (no boys, old friends, flings)

- Thou shalt join no dating apps

- Thou shalt not apply for any bank bonuses, open no new accounts, no credit cards (exception for the one 0% interest, but at this point, might as well wait till May)

- Thou shalt not think about money, budgets, jobs, relocating, or figuring out my life

So over the weekend I actually documented a projected budget in my spreadsheet. I thought I'd accounted for Student Loans this whole time, so I don't know if I did the math wrong or what, but paying $2500/mon for housing and $800/mon for student loans doesn't leave me with much money.

I thought I could live 'my rich life' on $60k in Philadelphia, but that turned out to be wrong.

With just maxing out my 401k at 22.5k, my net pay living in Philadelphia turned out to be 69k. With just core expenses, I was at $55k. My loose savings goal for the next 5 years was to save $36k - which means $14k post tax. So on a $69k net salary, I would have to choose between having $14k for extras like traveling or other lifestyle upgrades or savings. 

I didn't think I'd have to choose. It just seems like I'm giving up a lot for what keeps me anchored for this great big unknown...that I've already lived through.

So even if the outcome is the same - staying in NC, the reasons why are evolving. I know I'm not happy here and I am resistant to the fact that this is all there is. But in the end... where did the last 8 years of my life go.

It just feels like a lot of distress. My hair is sprinkled with a lot more gray hair than I remember. I'm an old person. How did this happen?

It just feels like my options are to accept this life and wait to die. Or keep fighting the current and stressing myself out...it's present in my nerves and on top of my head. How can someone with such a light workload and no responsibilities be aging this fast? 

I just keep trying to hack my way out and I'm losing track of all the things I try, so I try them again with the same gusto and fervor. 

I refuse to be sad today, also I don't have a plan for if I succeed

 So I was getting motivated to move. I thought through leaving and failing right away. And figured financially, I could leverage the profit from the house to come back to NC.

And at first I thought sure succeeding was the easier choice - I suck it up and work for 5 more years, live off 60k, and make it to 1 million dollars. At 1 million, my expenses will need to be $40k or less at 4% withdrawal.

But what if my "rich life" is at $60k. What do I do then?

Cuz in the winning scenario I pictured, I would just downsize and move somewhere where I can live comfortably at $40k. But then what was the point of the $60k life? 

A Doozy of a Day and Moving

 YESTERDAY WAS BAD. VERY BAD. THIS MORNING WAS BAD. VERY BAD.

I was heaving, sobbing for most of the day yesterday. I calmed down for 1 hour and ate. I thought I was fine but was back at it until sleeping. I woke up sobbing. I just felt so gutted. I don't know another word.

I'm so scared about all these big bad feelings that I haven't had to feel for a long time. I'm angry, upset, sad, disheartened. I feel nervous and anxious. 

I don't feel emotionally safe with that man. But as the victim, I am, I'm still thinking of working with him. I was so sure this would be the last time, but I figure just use him to get what I need.

The world is a cruel place and I seem to be its mortal enemy.

Part of my brain wants to recall all the "signs" or call on "Jesus," but to what end.

(OMG...as I'm writing this my Frenemy is trying to convince me a MWM is not mediocre. This is who my therapist thinks I should be getting advice from. Hard Pass.)

I was looking for a compelling reason to leave, and I've been hit with a water hose of feelings. Ugh. 

My biggest concern is waiting to do it until September. I'm letting feelings and a little reason guide this next phase of my life. 

Offerpad offered me about $121k for my house and after their 6% fees, and paying off my mortgage loan, I walk away with about $40k. I really want $50k. I think at $50k, I would have felt more compelled to sign the offer and figure out how to move out of here by May.

But 40k is good, but not great. So I think I've bought myself some time. 

New timeline:

March - relax, if possible; still try to suss out workload for at least april

- thinking next week by tues, start looking at tickets and lodging for Philadelphia; book by Thursday; I don't even know if I have enough money in any one place to book this but we'll see

April - mental and physical getaway to Philly; I'm not putting pressure on myself to scope it out for anything in particular as I was thinking of going before I decided to move; but since I'll be there, just get a general sense of danger and suitability

May - work trip; then Seattle trip and planning; hope to start sorting through clothes at very least

Jun - have fun summer getaway in Seattle

July/Aug - prep to sell house and move

Sep - move to Philly

Retraumatized by my therapist

 This sucks. I know I've been having some weird feelings about talking about race with my therapist. But I thought he's my therapist, it shouldn't be weird.

So I persisted. Katie Therapist had made me feel so validated and seen and heard and I was motivated to make this move.

And then I talk to this guy and I'm just back to being confused again. 

I've been thinking of ditching this guy and now I feel even more like that's what I should do. 

I just feel like the wind has been knocked out of my sails.

I'm right back to where I felt in 2015, and I had made such progress in the last 2 days. I just took a call with a potential home buyer company. That's how motivated I was.

Now I'm back to being confused. I almost feel like my therapist should pay me. 

I looked back at the progress I was making with the EAP lady, and I want her back. I sent her a message, but I know it's a long shot because she's not licensed in my state. 

What she really helped with is understanding what I was feeling. 

Then it's hard again

 I could use some support. In a moment of heightened feelings, I tried to share my housing journey with Frenemy. Suddenly her grandma needed her. Ha.

I like when they try to slide in how I'm not available after 4p. Right, that's the reason. I always say to myself - in the same way you prioritize your family (and every other person that calls you), I prioritize my free time. Oh well. 

That was my mistake.

I don't know why I've been feeling especially bristly lately. I think because I've been successful in shedding any sort of dependency from Maryland Aunty (didn't realize that until now that I haven't thought about her much). Getting rid of Frenemy should be pretty easy too.

The Housing Journey

In a way, I'm excited. I actually am. I thought leaving NC and having the house was going to be the hardest part. But I solved that financially and emotionally. So it's less of an issue. I mean I can't trust feelings but I have a lot of emotional and financial contingency plans.

Finding a place to live is harder than I thought. Spending that money is hard! For whatever reason I decided on Philadelphia. At the very least it's a placeholder for.. bustling city that costs way too much. As much as I think I've thought about moving, it's been awhile since I actually truly looked for a new apartment. I forgot how time consuming and 'busy' it is. Ugh, no more hard stuff. No more decision-making. I want a furnished rental so I don't have to worry about moving furniture. I think there is a part of me that is yearning to be unencumbered. How much am I willing to pay for that in time (looking for a place) and money (paying a premium for the convenience).

I think in my mind I pictured living in one of those cool apartments on Landing/Blueground/Zeus. But boy are those pricey! What was I thinking.

I don't even have a real housing budget for this next phase. I only have short-term thoughts...stay in a short term rental for 3 months..figure it out later...

And now I have to think about my car. Parking my car in a city comes at a premium. There's no way I'm giving up my car.

Before finding housing, I already imagined myself taking weekend trips to the Poconos every other month because obviously I'll need a break from the big bad city! I'll need a car for that.

And what do you do without a car when it's snowing outside and you have to walk a mile? But would I drive a mile in the snow? How often does it even snow in Philadelphia.

The girl I met named Michele from Seattle... I feel like she was from Philadelphia...but maybe it was Pittsburg. But I'm sure it was Philly. She didn't find her community there. Will I? 

For these Philadelphia prices and reports of it being partly cloudy year round....Seattle is not too far behind this city. The biggest sore spot for Seattle is having to wake up 5a everyday forever for work. I don't love that. 

Housing: Best Case and Worst Case and a Bridging Fund if I move

 So went through the exercise of thinking about selling the house and how that would feel.

Caveat: If I did do Tulsa Remote, I feel like I would want to keep the house because that feels very temporary somehow.

So in trying to figure out how I feel about this NC house, I charted best case and worst case scenario.

Best Case:

- I move and succeed in a more social and enjoyable lifestyle (spending up to $60k/yr)

- Work for 5 more years to support this lifestyle

- Retire with $1million dollars and enough to continue lifestyle at $40k/yr (or up to $60k/yr at 6% withdrawal)

Worst Case

- Move and am separated from work w/n a year

- Need to find a lower cost of living because am now early retired living on $20k/yr

In worst case, I would ideally return back to Cheap House because my leanFIRE budget is based on that cost of living. So that is scary if I sell the house. So the argument remains to keep the house for at least 5 years. And really in the clear light of day isn't a bad default position considering all goes well with renting it out.

But part of me wants a clean break and just kind of eliminate returning here as an option. So I got excited about receiving a $50k profit. And I realized I don't need to add the $50k to my FIRE pot, I can use that for additional housing in the event of Worst Case Scenario. 

It only needs to last for 15 years until age 55 when I am more confident I can find over-55 housing for better prices with more amenities. 

So I decided to work through the exercise of a $55k Bridge Fund for the Worst Case Scenario.

I would store it in a deposit account aimed at earning at least 5% interest a year. With CD rates the way they are, this seems quite manageable. The way I figure, CD rates will be up or the stock market will be up. If both are down, then the economy is in trouble and I'm likely to find really good deals on apartments anyway. Win, win, win. 

So based on that at a 7% withdrawal rate (ie, 1 out 15 years divided evenly), I can add an additional $300/mon to my $850/mon leanFIRE budget. At $1150, I think I'll be able to find housing as good as Cheap House in NC. 

I've been trying to think of long-term consequences - the biggest for me was not being able to find housing for my budget in the next 10 to 15 years. But I think if Cheap House is the standard, then with the increased housing budget, I have a lot more confidence this is achievable. 

Plus on the emotional side, after 1 year of renters....it stops being the new house I moved into anyway. But if I fail after 1 month, that would definitely suck.

There is the thought of rental income, but that was really not part of my plan unless some sort of easy deal fell into my lap. (For now it seems like an unnecessary struggle.)

In summary, if I really feel strongly about parting ways with Cheap House, I feel some level of comfort that I won't risk homelessness given that I walk away with $50k from the sale of the house and store it in a Housing Bridge Fund. 

As a default, I can always keep the house as a back-up until I fully retire/ reach $1million whichever is sooner. 

All in all, the move feels even less scary with that mental barrier neutralized. 

But for a girl who had previously mapped out her end of life, my future feels a little more unknown. 

So many things - a move and financial errands

 It's been about 3 hours online running errands. Yes online errands seem easy but gosh, they can be timely. I have so many notes and things to do.

Luckily, I made a list so I could at least focus more energy on the task than thinking of what I had to do.

Even though this is interim session number 2 with myself on my quarterly financial check-in, I'm glad I did it because I got a lot done. And waiting until the end of the month would've made for a very long day.

Some accomplishments:

- accounted for recent bank bonuses; realized I have extra funds I'm churning; so made many clicks to resolve that

- set up new checking account and finalized bill pay for new bank; groan; this one still doesn't meet all my needs so i'm a bit hesitant to do the move at all knowing i'd have to change it; but my brain is not able to keep track of everything, so while very inconvenient, at least i'll have the alerts...oh shoot, just realized I haven't cancelled the BillPay movements from Old Bank...groan! add that to do my to-do list; hmmm I guess alerts are not as concerning for my allowance card since it's such a small balance, but I definitely want to know for my BillPay account. 

- ordered new debit card

- changed direct deposits to account for higher auto-savings to brokerage (yikes!)

- contacted 2 banks to close accounts (long hold time on one)

- work stuff - meetings, grumpy co-worker; unknown expectations for upcoming project; still unsure of timelines

- reallocated quite a few funds to buckets that made sense

so it was a lot of thinking and a lot clicking.

I also tried to setup my White Counselor on my FSA but I need an invoice first, which takes away from being able to pre-schedule it. It really is an annoying process with them.

The Move

Yeah, somehow the framework of being traumatized by racism in NC somehow resonates with me and for now is making me see this is as enough reason to move and make a lifestyle change. THIS IS HUGE! I felt so motivated that I casually reached out to OfferPad to see what a basic offer would look like. Since I have no desire for this to be a long process, I decided I'd be fine to walk away with $50k. Not sure how realistic that is. I'm basing the fact that the houses across the street are going for $70k more that maybe $50k is reasonable for a no-hassle experience.

I also called a property management company I had bookmarked...it looks like April of last year (2022). So obviously this has been on my mind.

The thing I'm stuck with and haven't fully formed a complete thought on - my house. It's such a core part of my FIRE plan. So I'm still trying to figure out how it all fits in. The easiest thing seems to be just walk away from NC completely with no plans to turn back. it's such a young 20s thing to do, but the realistic part of me feels I've come too far to snatch away my own safety nets. So since I'm loosely thinking the longest I'll stay working is 5 years, a more reasonable thought is keep the house until I officially leave the workforce. But less so as I'm going to come back and more... maybe I'll have a clearer plan of what retirement looks like, especially in terms of expenses.

I think there is a concern that let's say I move on and need to quit my job (sooner and before 5 years). I don't have the money (for a different budget) or an idea of where else to live on $20k/yr.  So that's kind of the biggest wrench. While a lifestyle change is awesome and I'm getting pretty excited about it, I also don't want to lose all the safety nets I've spent all this time building.

Anyway, keeping the NC house as a rental seems to be the simplest choice...sort of.... I think the greedy part of me is like if I can get $50k now, I kind of just want it.  Maybe that will be my emergency House Fund, and I could keep that in a high yield account for 5% for 5 years or something. I think Ally has no penalty CDs. So that might make sense. Because I don't think my house is going to increase in value much more than this pandemic bump. 

However, I think just having the known of a house I can afford to come back to is comforting when I'm taking such a huge leap into the unknown.

So yeah, this morning, I lost a bit of momentum but even having slept on it, I'm still leaning towards moving out...I think.

I was hoping the work meeting today would give me a better idea of my workload for April, but it's still largely unclear. So I'm tentatively moving forward with spending the month of April in Philadelphia. 

Alright, I think I've earned my free Happy Meal and a soda and some car sitting time.

Note to self, no more work from bed. This bed is not that comfortable and it's very tempting to stay in it with little real emotional reward. 

Was it racism all along?

 I remember in yesterday's Sunday Distress thinking... there is something wrong and I've tried on quite a few narratives that just don't fit - questioning my sexuality, PTSD from the war (suggested by counselor), singlehood (suggested by society), depression, spectrum-adjacent, highly sensitive, sexual assault.

But today Katie Counselor said sometimes trauma can make it hard to make decisions. And maybe think clearly. I had blurted out that I hated NC because it's been so traumatic to live here. I don't know if I never made that realization before. But I think I had and no one really took me seriously.

White Male Counselor doesn't really engage. I spew it out to my work colleague and she seemingly is constantly trying to prove me wrong or just doesn't see what I see (which makes me question if it's really happening); I remember a defining moment with my cousin near the end of professional school where I felt dismissed by her and that it was somehow my fault. Yes, it's my fault people treat me poorly.

But if racism is the biggest source of my trauma and the weird mash of emotional overwhelm I find myself stuck in, it definitely makes a lot of things make more sense. Through this lens, this is why moving is so hard...how dare I pick up and move all my stuff to literally any place only to be assaulted by this...again. It's a known. I think it will make me feel like I'm out of options. It's risky because I only have one more door left when I feel out of options. 

And so I say I'm looking for a compelling reason but what I'm really looking for is a guarantee of no racism. Which no one can provide me. So I'm hyperaware of slights and they are discouraging. 

DC was fun, but it's not immune to racism. Also on a personal note, it feels like failure a bit. I tried so hard to make it on my own to just end up right back where I started. Also, I think same cousin had laughed at me once in a smug way when we were parting ways in LA...saying something like...you're going to end up in Maryland anyway. But I think that was more than 15 years ago now. And I did end up back in DC on her couch. So that fear of failure is actually a bit - been there done that in the clear light of day. 

Oh I forgot about Beaumont. Hmmm... I don't know man. I'm just tired of starting over. I don't know where to make it or how to know when I've arrived.

I think for now though, I do want a more active social life to offset this work life - busy or slow. Cuz when it's slow...it feels like... duh, do something fun. And when it's busy --it feels like duh, do something fun. 

Also... like I've been doing with TV shows and other areas of my life...small doses of everything. I can't eat chips and cookies everyday -  I tried that. But that cookie tastes wayyy better when you haven't had one in 2 months. 

Give your body a chance to make it new again. 

If the menstrual cycle is 28 days... I think that's a good circuit for me. Not sure what this means yet exactly though. 

P.S. - I might be being dramatic...but I've been here for 12 years. I remember the first time I drove to professional school and turning back because I didn't want to go. If I still believed in signs, there were so many saying this was the wrong thing to do. So by Sep 1, 2023, I gotta be out of here. 

The security blanket of familiarity

 I just drafted a letter I'm thinking of sending to Tulsa Remote. Just last week, I'd decided it was too much work to move there but after another Sunday UnFunday, I decided this is the thing I need.

I realized I've spent most Sundays since I've started working trying to escape NC, but yet I find myself staying week after week. 

But I'm also tired of chasing big dreams. Moving somewhere completely new with no community just feels like the popular definition of insanity.

Moving just to replicate my current environment doesn't make sense, but I feel like I need to move

Knowing that there's no "right answer" is just incredibly frustrating because it removes the hope that my life could go really really well. You know if this is where I was "meant to be." But if it's just me and my grumpy self, I might as well stay put and save my money. But for what.

I need someone to challenge me. I'm not really getting that from White Male Counselor. 

I don't know how to define if the move is a success. 

This house doesn't really serve a purpose for me anymore. It didn't lower my expenses by that much. I guess it did provide momentum. And the equity doesn't do be any good if I just stay in it until I die. I guess in the long-term it has the potential to keep my costs the same, or it doesn't if the repairs and maintenance continue to be an issue. 

But financially with everything else going on with a new move, it doesn't make sense to let go of it just yet. It's just a weird wrench.

The only reason I would keep it would be to have it as an option to return to if my move fails. I only feel brave enough to move having this as a safety net. 

2023 Playbook (mid -March edition)

 So I'm feeling happy. 

As I'm wont to do the weekends, this time on Sunday, I take a mental inventory of upcoming events. 

Here's how 2023 is shaping up so far:

Jan to March 2023

- Focus on work: 

• Get up, go to work, don't complain
• Do a good job
• Check and check. Did a good job. Got 2 deliverables out the door. Got a few Catalyze acknowledgements. 
• Worked even while sick

- Max out 401k

• Passed with flying colors and with addition of bonus, was able to do it by March 15! Record! 

Other

• Continue therapy
• Sleeping more regularly by going to sleep later
• Have continued tracking moods on Daylio app
• Cranked out quite a few bank bonuses. On track for at least $1200 this year
• Just trying to make the best out of hibernation and staying put and taking it easy
• Bonus - jumpstarted travel with 13 days in Nashville!

Other thoughts: I hit the bank bonuses pretty hard and have applied for all the big juicy or really easy ones. That being said, I didn't get a handful and ran into issues with credit cards so taking a step back from this to let my soft inquiries take a break. I'm hoping to take the second quarter off, but likely the rest of the year. I think the running start of $1200 is enough. 

Now looking forward:

Quarter 2: April, May, June

Focus

- Travel months

• still planning to do a summer session, likely Seattle
• thinking now about getting away in April if work is slow (which I hope it is!)

- Spending some of my extra cash

- Try to get approved for a credit card

July/ August

- Staying put back in NC - avoiding peak travel/price season; endure awful heat; might challenge myself to do some weekday beach days; that's a stretch; generally doing a summer siesta in place; not really sure what I've done the last 8 summers.. probably just complain

Sep/Oct

- This is probably Sept to mid-Oct; will travel again; work should be ramping up around October; so will try to sneak in the second getaway; if Seattle, kind of thinking not that worthwhile to stay past mid-October where it is noticeably cold and darker

mid-Oct/Nov

- Stay put in NC; probably will need to focus on work; enjoy the cooler sunnier days

Dec

- Hope to get away until 1st week of January to a much warmer destination; probably Miami; but if can find a good deal/location in the Caribbean, totally down; get ready for hunker down winter hibernation come January

Sunday Reflections and Accomplishments

 I don't remember now what I wanted to blog about! 

Oh I went to church this morning!

And I didn't cry. I went in (as this is a mega church's satellite location) as if this was just another show on TV. I just needed something to pass the time.

That probably helped with the not crying. I could critically analyze, zone out and not feel the wrath of God watching me.

Side note: I think that's how I felt a bit with the Dinosaur's birthday. OMG...how bad would I feel if someone didn't reach out to me on my birthday after learning I'd been separated from my job. Oh, but wait. That's what's happened to me! (But I guess Deb and M did reach out a bunch after I left Call Center #1). Oh well, I felt like if I didn't reach out to Dinosaur, I would be eternally punished. How much more can be taken away from me? 

Anyway, I was just thinking...I see why black people fall for this stuff in groves. Cuz life in America is oppressive and saddening if you think about it too long. And why not choose hope. But I always think of all the enslaved Christians who died in slavery - their prayers for freedom were never answered. That's a tough deal.  My white male counselor asked before...other people must feel this way...what do they do about it... I'm like...they're just as angry, you clearly don't know them. He thinks because black people aren't rising up they must be happy with the status quo. Silly rabbit.

Anyway, in other news. The churchgoing was a boon. It was so sunny, I went to Walmart and just sat in the parking lot reading stuff on my phone. Didn't have anywhere else to be.

After awhile, I finally went in and picked up some grapes and eggs. Almost got rice since I just opened my last bag. I don't remember anymore how long that supply lasts because I eat so erratically. But surprisingly the price of that hasn't shot up.

Just about all my convenience food has though - 

$5 corn pops

$4 for a bag of corn chips (I didn't even buy them; I've bought corn chips maybe twice ever when the chips I want were too pricey that day; so definitely never for $4).

The cheap walmart chips that used to be 97 cents... now $2. 

So I got a small bunch of grapes, eggs, Corn Pops, 1 apple, and something else.

I thought again about using my McDs rewards for a quarter pounder without cheese but didn't feel that compelled. So just drove home. 

I got the corn pops because Kelloggs is giving away $5 coupon for buying their cereal. So I uploaded my receipt on their site. We'll see.

I also had on my social calendar to restart my Amazon Prime free trial so I can watch Harlem today. That went off easily. I'm actually not sure why my payment was declined in the first place. But it worked out because I got the free shipping anyway that I didn't need when I was in Nashville and I got 30 more days of the free trial. AND logical brain had kicked in and had me wait to use my $10 promotional credit when I restarted the free trial. So I got to use my $10 promotional credit to buy 60 pacs of All laundry detergent for a grand total of $2.97 and free shipping. It arrives tomorrow.

Free Money never tasted so good. It was so easy to use that I went ahead and logged the $10 in my free money log for the year. 

I love when things work out! 

To be fair when I got the credit a few weeks ago I was stumped on what to buy and got stuck in some clicking rabbit holes with P&G. Luckily, I forgot all that and just 1-clicked my way to these laundry pods.

I don't do laundry that much so I'm sure these will last awhile. And they're portable for my month long getaways. 

Then before this I also made tuna and egg salad and toasted a pita. Can't wait to settle in and watch my show. It would be better with chips, but I'll suffice. I can mix Corn Pops and popcorn later and all will be well. 

Saturday night reflections

 I just ate peanut butter and animal crackers for dessert. I had rice and spam for dinner. Didn't realize it was quite so late.

Ended up staying in bed today. 

Lots of clicking around for credit cards; read a few blog posts; clicked around some more. Looked up flights for Seattle. Pretty much looks like no matter when I buy roundtrip flights are about $800 to $1,000. 

It seems unlikely that I'll be able to use those AA points for my 2 planned Seattle trips. Oh well. I realized there are two flights that I like so am willing to spend a few more dollars to travel on those. The 2p out of NC that lands at 7p is great because if it's a workday, most of my UK colleagues are gone for the day and I get to my destination after check-in time but before it's too dark.

And on the return flight, I prefer the overnight flight. Even though I don't sleep the whole time, I can usually snooze a bit especially if I stay busy the whole day. Plus it doesn't feel like I spent the whole day traveling. And it's early enough in the day when I get to NC that it's not scary to wait for the 1 Uber driver.

I made a quick mental plan that I'm getting pretty bored (and that's okay), so to spice things up I might start my getaways early. I think if April looks to be a slow month, I might head to Philly for the month. To my city house ;). 

I was looking for the cheapest destination that made sense on the short term rental platforms I use. While Montreal still seems the more exciting one, I'm not ready to trade in boredom for snow.

In the end a rental in Summerville, SC (outside of Charleston) was actually a bit cheaper by about $500 and driveable, but I got way more excited about Philadelphia. I found a place for about $2k/mon; flights look to be about $600 rdtrp. And say I spend about $400 in food and other activities, that starts me at around $3k for a domestic trip to Philadelphia. Laughable. But oh well.

I haven't explored the Northeast since my last year of professional school. So that was about 2015... wow... 8 years ago! 

If the place is booked before I get to it, I might reconsider SC. I think I still might reconsider to see if Landing will let me use my free week there. 

I'm more likely to be bored in SC, but just further away from home and Summerville looks to be a suburb so I'll have to drive everywhere. And everyone is likely to be white. Since I'm at the beginning of my budget, I think I'm willing to spend a bit more.

Tentative plan is to get  1 or 2 meal kits; eat a bunch of take out and take it from there. I'm hoping the vibrancy of the city will get me out of the house. It'll still be very cool, so we'll see. This time, I'm taking my jacket! 

That's all for now. 

Saturday, March 18 Reflections

 It's Saturday. Woke up withe blahs and had a hint of goodness when I realized my life is great. It is. I just forget...almost all the time.

This is mostly by design.

My house

- I've been so busy trying to hack my equity that I forgot to realize...um, I got the best deal. The new townhouses blocking my view are TWICE what I paid for my cheap house! TWICE. Best deal ever! Yeah, I'd probably still be able to afford them, but not at this low, low price I paid. So that's awesome.

What helped me realize this was a Realtor search. Yeah I was clicking around last night because it was too balmy to sleep and some spicy food was kicking up my throat. Apparently, now you can do a state search. So I put in parameters for new construction and condo/townhouse. I checked at least 5 or 6 states, and the cheapest place with those parameters was Peoria, Illinois. 

I would get a chance to live my condo-dream, but at a harsher winter with actual snow, more in HOA fees, and a smaller town with likely less to do and even farther away from airport (I'm talking Chicago). So while I would potentially get to have a half-free house (the dream!), I think I would quite tangibly be in a worse position for everything else. 

Anyway, seeing the cost of new properties in even cheap states be out of my range and also seeing the new townhouses in my neighborhood being priced what they were made me think...whoa, I really got a good deal. 

But also, it reminded me that places like Peoria, IL exist, ie, I can always find cheaper (less desirable) places to live is cost is the primary issue. 

$60k Budget

So I ran my numbers again...as I do when I'm wondering just how much I could spend. Based on my base pay, this is how much I have to spend this year after a $36k savings goal. So I could potentially spend up to $2500/mon on housing. But the fact remains - I'm open to opportunity...literally anything to spice up my life a bit. But what I'm doing now is trying not to let Urgency/FOMO/YOLO dictate my spending. So open, but not compelled to spend. Admittedly, after I retire, it's unlikely I'll ever have a $60k budget again. So it's an interesting dilemma. Saving that extra $20k this year is hardly going to do anything to my portfolio when I retire. In fact, it adds $800/yr to my early retirement budget. Womp, womp. 

The numbers don't lie. So yeah, for once it makes more sense to spend it now than to save it. I hadn't done that calculation until now, so we'll see if that ratchets up the urgency/fomo/yolo trifecta. And I thought I had just conquered that. 

Well, I at least feel better about any lingering feelings about last year's extravagant travel expenses (yay, an actually good retrospective decision - that never happens!); and gives me extra permission to buy the $600 pilates package; and I feel good about therapy costs this year. And any future mishaps. Yeah, it's never better to waste money, but I at least have this hard fact that it's not doing unnecessary damage to any future savings objectives. Yay.

But I will just take it a year at a time. 

So for this year, I have $60k to spend. Yay. That's pretty cool. What I'm trying not to think about is if I save $60k times 5 years, I'll have $300k. Wait, that doesn't work because that's not EXTRA money, that's ALL the money I have to spend this year.

Ok, so really only like an extra $20k each year, so over 5 years, like $100k. Which again is refreshing because that might maybe upgrade my house to like a $200k house. But I already decided, in 5 years, I should have a million dollars and if I want to break off some of that for a nicer house, I can make it happen. So that's covered.

And for completion, if I were to go super restrictive (which I refuse to do), and say it's an extra $40k..over 5 years...that's $200k. Which would let me buy a new $200k house in cash. Not bad. But that's not really a priority for me. I have a house. And again, if I needed or so desired to buy a nice house in 5 years, I should have plenty of money to do so. Notably, a $200k stash would throw off $8k/yr at 4% withdrawal. Not bad. Not enough to change my budget in a meaningful way....at least not when you compare that to aggressively saving for the next 5 years...which I'm not doing. 

So it's a sweet spot of having $60k to spend this year with no real plans to spend all of it. And no real benefit to saving it - other than for the sake of savings. 

The new blogger I'm bingeing seems to have hit that realization....actually them and another late 20s blogger. Of just basking in the glow of a set financial future. And figuring out how to spend the Now Money. 

It's a good spot to be in. And even after 1 year of being in this great spot, still challenging to navigate. But if you zoom out, it's 1 year of being in this position versus 38 years of not being in this position. Sheesh. Grace is needed. 

Credit Cards

So to remind us, I had this great credit card plan for my 3 planned domestic trips this year.

- Get an AA card for free checked bags (needed for 6 week stays)

- Get a 0% intro card (for the sign-up bonus, but mostly to be able to pay how I want; and just to track the expenses separately from regular expenses)

I ended up applying for at least half a dozen cards between Dec and Jan and was spectacularly declined for all. Tried a few reconsideration lines and didn't get very far. Mind you, this was not part of the plan but some committee member got me hyped for travel hacking and I thought the travel hacking plan could run in parallel. I'd never had a problem getting credit cards before (in general), so didn't see this coming. 

Well now, I'm a bit gun shy about whether the basic plan will work, as I'm down to just my back-up card that I've had for a number of years now. I don't want to use it...because it's for back-up. I like pretending it doesn't exist.

Anyway, earlier I'd convinced myself that the surefire way to guarantee my credit worthiness was to get a secured card. Then I thought, why take the hit, just get one that doesn't require a credit check. But the couple I looked up had such weird reviews about payments not posting and barriers to paying balances that I'm not trying to worsen a problem. I've backed off that idea a bit. 

I still might get a secured card...but maybe after I get declined for what's stated above and definitely with a big bank. 

I ran 2 pre-approval tools and it looks like I can get a regular card from Capital One but no 0% intro APR. And with Citi, it was unclear. There weren't any offers but they kept pushing two of their 0% intro cards.

With literally no confidence in my ability to get even a 0% intro card, I'm not sure what to do.

I didn't want to apply for a Citi card and forfeit my ability to get the AA/Citi card within a short time frame. 

So if I had to pick the priority of the AA card or a basic 0% intro Card with Citi, I think the 0% intro card is probably the better bet. 

Traveling on miles is kind of tricky. While I wanted to use the miles I have already this year, they technically don't expire (I think). 

Plus this aligns with saving any more travel/ credit card hacking for 2024. No more variables this year.

So right now, I'm thinking:

- Apply for Citi Custom Cash (for 0% intro, cashback, and sign-up bonus)

    .... think of the sign-up bonus as paying for the checked bags that I'm not getting for free

 .... strategically probably apply on old name since it has more credit history and a similar score

--- ideally figure out how to freeze the credit report that has too many hits (thinking Transunion)

This works out because as mentioned I could still get $200 bonus, accumulate some cashback, and hopefully have at least $5k limit to use on travel expenses that I can pay back in a way that makes sense to my financial plans. 

BUT...if I don't get approved for that....

Thinking I might have to just go straight for a secured card (likely with Capital One and probably in my old name)? Maybe try with Capital One for one of their 'good credit' cards...which currently offer no real promos of interest to me. 

And last option depending on how this all goes down is trying for a 0% card with an institution I currently bank with, but kind of want to keep out of my regular day to day expenses.

Hmmm....I might reverse the order knowing me...

So strategy

1) Apply for Citi Custom Cash 0% intro card (Old name)

2) If rejected, apply for broker's 0% intro card (New name)

3) If rejected, apply for Capital One's secured card (Old Name)

Maybe wait 3 to 6 months or until 2024 to try again. 

As for when to initiate this updated strategy....thinking mid April to make sure at least 3 months have passed since last round of hard inquiries. 

Looking at places

A big move is probably not going to happen this year. I was thinking of extending my time in Seattle to get there a little earlier than late May and stay until the Fall, but that felt like too much. While I'm trying to loosen the purse strings, this thought isn't jiving with what I want right now (fleeting as that may be). 

But I was thinking, after the kickoff meeting this week, if it looks like April will be another slow month, I may try to do an escape in driveable distance from here. It seems like there are some nice short term rentals with a bit of a deal in April. I'm looking at South Carolina, Philadelphia, Savannah, and Montreal (if it stops being cold). It would just be a getaway to break-up the monotony. I would get some meal kits and kick back a bit. I'd love to be close to nature to pretend to take some nature walks or just even a view, but there is not really any inventory with the companies I use in mountain towns. 

There's nothing I can do about the equity

 A few thoughts this crisp Friday morning.

Feeling good!

I have finally figured out sleep. A nice cool low 30s to 40s is ideal outside weather for cozy sleep under blankets. Going to sleep between 11:30p and midnight means I will sleep till at least 7a. Which is awesome. Not sure why it took me this long to figure out how to get 7.5 to 8 hours of sleep without waking up through the night. Literally, been having broken sleep for the last few years because I've been going to bed too early.

What that also means is that even on a normal workday, I have from 4p to 12m of free time! Wow!

I'm finally embracing my free time and bored life. Oh well. The urge to fill my time with Stuff and Events and Insta-worthy moment decreases INCREMENTALLY each day. It's not a swift change by any means, I still question whether I should be doing more. 

Remote Shoals

My heart skipped a beat when I got a follow-up from Remote Shoals yesterday. I forgot I had asked a question in the application - that's what they were responding to. I also forgot I had applied. I thought I'd applied to the West Virginia one. Realizing how unappealing it would be to find and furnish housing in Tulsa makes The Shoals seem even worse. 

Bank Bonus

After quite a rough start with these bank bonuses, I had two pay out this week for a total of $500. Yes! That's $1k this year. I probably won't get more than $1200 for the whole year, but no complaints. The first $400 was 10 therapy sessions. This $1k covers my sad $800 tax preparer bill- which I've strangely gotten over. My bonus payout helped soothe that transactional pickle. I love having money. I do! I love saving money. I love good deals. I love everything about financial stability. 

Tinkering

Thinking about paying for a $600 package of Pilates. It's only about 6 sessions. But it might be a nice little treat. It will go under the lifestyle expense fund. Which got a little bit more funding with bonus check. 

Without the hope of dating, and the appeal of other cities, I've been tinkering with whether I want to go to Seattle this summer or anywhere at all. I did so well this week staying home and even planning to stay home and be still the rest of the month that I think I'll be okay being bored at home this summer.

I was trying to find cities closer but when I checked the weather for June as a benchmark, I remembered why Seattle. I also looked at Vancouver, WA. And Vancouver BC. Vancouver BC was quite a bit more. I'm still using the established rental companies for inventory. 

If Seattle, I narrowed it down to Green Lake, the U, or the downtown pad I had. I think for the summer - a cooler destination and a fancy shmancy apartment. A nice view would be nice too. But social activities falls lower on the list, but I think it probably needs to stay on the list so I can break up the day and not feel like I wasted my time coming all the way out there. All that to say, my wishlist and priorities for getting away this summer are evolving.

But I'm definitely more open to not going at all or finding somewhere else to go. 

For the fall, I still think Green Lake will be nice. 

I'll admit, I pictured hanging out with Dan this summer in my most recent search. But I think that's just because he's on my mind. And my brain is trying to trick me into messaging him.  Oh well. 

I'm so proud of me and all my progress even without an audience. I am doing loads better by myself and the urges for emotional connection have significantly subsided. Phew! 

I just spent a whole week alone and I didn't bust out in tears at EVERY MINUTE! #goals

On the docket for today:

- Hook and Reel - it's kind of far and I'm enjoying being cozy in my bed, so we shall see. Plus I have leftovers. 

I'm a bit nervous about the kickoff next week. I don't want to do more work. 

House Equity

Oh! I think the new houses being built; my general dissatisfaction with the lack of amenities and desirable social activities; introduction to the remote programs; and increased equity; and reaching my FIRE number got me thinking broadly about what I want to do with my house. Honestly, it even spilled over into some water cooler chats with other remote workers. 

But at the end of the day, I can't figure out a way to tap into my home equity. I just can't. It's a great thing for someone in a HCOL to move to a LCOL after retirement, etc. But it really serves no purpose for me if I remain in this house. I think the mental exercise of trying to tap into it by moving or renting proved futile. 

It's like a basket of ice-cream treats. Nice in theory, but I can't touch it. 

I thought well what if I "double" my housing budget in retirement, how much would I need. For just $1k/mon more or $12k/yr, I would need $300k in my FIRE budget. Geez right! So yeah, trying to leverage that equity somehow to get a nicer place isn't working out. 

Maybe if I nickel and dime it and jump through some hoops, I could rent out the house and try to funnel some extra funds for a nice apartment. But I would probably need at least $1200 just to even return to my old apartment. But I don't want to rely on income I can't control. And while housing expenses are unexpected, a lot of the repairs and maintenance are optional. I definitely can't control rent increases. That is too much of a variable. And really my back-up. If or when the house starts getting too pricey to maintain, I think a part of me is hoping I can always go back to renting or renting a room or finding somewhere else to live. And I'll have the equity windfall. 

Somehow, I'm not sure why that makes more sense. But I'm mostly tired of thinking of how to capitalize on this equity. And the short answer is I can't. 

Once I reached my FIRE number, I was supposed to figure out what I want to do with this house. Financially, nothing. These are now my nickel plated handcuffs. My early retirement goals depend on this low-cost housing. Didn't see that coming! 

There isn't really much decision making to be had. Right now financial stability is more important than any other non-tangible things like friends or social interaction. I am 100% confident, I will be leaving the workforce within the next 5 years. 

I'm not aggressively saving anymore, so this is my only option.

Once I cry about it, I will soon be able to accept it. 

Thoughts on renting my house and other news

 So I had a thought exercise with my work colleague on what to do with my house 'when' I get accepted into Tulsa Remote.

They immediately suggested I rent it out; put my stuff in storage; and get a new place to live. They pointed out renters are not going to leave my place better than they found it.

That stuck with me because I think that's been part of my hesitation for renting but couldn't quite form the full thought.

There is some ick factor with letting a stranger move into your house and then having to move back in. I know people do it all the time. And I think I was just hoping after 1 year, it wouldn't be that bad; and either maybe the property management people will help restore it to its original condition or I could just get the maid service to come in. 

I was okay with getting new couches for example. Couch, singular. There's not much else they can damage. Depending on cost, I could replace the flooring because I've been wanting to anyway. 

While the thought of getting a new house after this is very appealing, I know without a doubt that this house fits into my current retirement plan, and it's unlikely I'll find another house for the same price. That's really it. I've tried all the mental thoughts to figure out how to leverage the equity in this house without increasing my housing costs and I just can't do it. 

The default "plan" is just to see what my final net worth is when I finally quit working. I'm definitely open to renting at a higher cost while I'm still working. That was kind of an easier decision than I thought. But wherever I decide to rent would have to be a value add in some way. Right now, the easiest proposition is more social activities. But honestly, even thinking about being more social gives me some anxious feelings. 

Interesting as I write that, I'd be willing to rent an apartment and move out... I say, but yet I'm timid to move back in. So there must be something unsaid about what happens after the rental. I think it's either...some latent feelings of moving out to be with a partner....and obviously that just working out...or it failing miserably that I'll be glad I kept my house no matter the renter's damage. OR, there is a scenario where the rental income can offset some of the cost of my new place...and at some point that extra equity will reach a good enough number that I can sell and use those funds to offset my new housing costs.

But as I'm learning, the thing with adulthood is that urgency increases (temporarily), but time slows down. So there are are decisions that are at least 2 years out. Two years is the magic number for my version of adulthood. 

It's a year later from reaching my leanFIRE number that I'm finally not feeling the urge to make big financial decisions or big life decisions. I'm finally just standing still a bit. It's 2 years later after my new job that I don't feel the strong urge to capitalize on all my downtime - yes, it is real and no one is coming to steal it away from you. 

But as for housing, I am constantly thinking or clicking around for possibilities. I love the idea of a mountain retreat, but that doesn't really work with wanting a walkable space. 

I think right now, the bigger inflection point will be where my assets stand on my last day of work or when I reach a million dollars. Whichever comes first. 

I want a trophy, darn it!

 Just finished therapy and as always there was some tears threatening to fall. Not all my tears are because I'm sad.

Sometimes I'm frustrated, overwhelmed...bored.

He basically said you can have symptoms that indicate depression (loss of interest, isolation, boredom, etc) but that doesn't mean you're depressed. Definition of depression - sadness and low moods. Take medicine and if you feel better, that confirms it biologically (ie brain deficiency). But you can also be depressed without a biological reason. 

Meh. I don't care.

So I guess White Male Therapist is more of a solutions-based therapist. I don't need solutions really. I just like talking about my feelings and what's going on. 

It's like my life is the show, and I just want to talk about it. 

I guess now I'm just coming to terms with the fact that my life choices don't garner any applause or trophies. 

It sucks. Everyone catches up and it doesn't matter that I accumulate x amount of money or retire early. My peer group will encounter yx amount of money and eventually retire. Doing it first gets me nothing.

Ouch. Yeah, I guess I'm someone who has enjoyed trophies and accolades. I want a trophy, darn it! 

Where's my party!

So yeah, something else to grieve - death of an overachiever.

Being regular is boring.

Oh just had a thought, if I can have negative feelings about Frenemy not returning a call or a message (after they called me). Or committee members sending birthday greetings with no follow-up (ie, the same as the automated one I got from my bank), can you imagine trying to correspond with Dan! Def, not ready. Phew.

What a good realization.

I only ended up doing 3 transactions today on my list of financial tasks. I'll just punt it to next Tuesday. A large part of it is waiting for things to post. I'd rather just do the bulk of these tasks when everything has posted then doing a little bit and having to check. 

Then back to enjoying my nothingness...with no trophies or applause or accolade. This really is retirement. Hrmph. 

Did I ever like my friends or was I their friend because they needed me as a friend. And I thought if I didn't do nice things for people, I wouldn't get to heaven. 

P.S. - Therapist was asking me about an arbitrary time 15 years ago...and what I did with my free-time. I was living in LA with a committee member. Did I enjoy it? What did we do? 

I think the things were did was because it was for the 'gram. Granted, I don't think instagram was around that time. But it was fun to post pictures people might envy. Did it for the story. 

I've been dreaming of a mountain escape, but those kinds of rentals are hard to come by in the standard spaces. But I think I also like fancy apartments and cooking meal kits. 

Bonus Payout and other news

 Yass! It's the fifteenth! Usually my main Bank gets the deposit early, but I guess for Bonus Payouts, it's an irregular payment, so I just got it today.

It still tastes good! Can you imagine people who make this amount monthly. 

I have already made so many plans with this money, I'm excited. I counted all the chickens!

I can do that now that I don't believe in jinxes and signs (ie, confirmation bias). 

Oh, update - I was stuck between being excited for Tulsa remote and trying not to be let down. But yesterday, it officially became a hard thing.

So remember I made a mock-up budget for the move - just cuz. So that was a checkmark. Everything was good.

And I had done a cursory search on Landing to see if they had units there. Check. Well, I looked again, just to see which unit I would pick. Um, if I remember correctly, there were only 2 units in the Tulsa city limits. Oh no! And they were cruddy. If I'm going to live in crappy housing....errrr... I can stay right here.

That was part of the fantasy - living in a cool city girl apartment...that I didn't have to decorate and could just pack up my 2 suitcases at the end of the year and move on. Womp, womp. 

So now moving to Tulsa is hard on both ends - my housing here and figuring out housing there. It has lost its appeal dramatically. Ugh.

That's really all the news. I have therapy later today, but I'm going to spend the morning tinkering with my finances.

I am binge-reading the archives of a young blogger. She moved alot! I don't know how people do it. Just the thought makes me not want to move. It makes me dream of the days of being able to fit everything in my car. That way I could just mosey on out of here at the end of x time. Oh, well. 

I still need to finesse contact with external committee members. Birthday was a bit of a hit, but left me wanting more. And talking to Frenemy kind of upset the balance. I don't know how to manage that. It's just so unpredictable. I don't like it. It's distressing. 

Just stop fighting

 I came to the realization just a moment ago that sometimes:

- I will be bored

- I just won't have anything to do

- I'll run out of stuff to do

- I might get down, I might cry, I might feel depressed or low

- I might have regrets

- I might curse my life and my life choices

- Sometimes, I will have been happy, just yesterday

- Sometimes I'll feel like life is just a let down

But then other times:

- I relish my free time

- I like having no responsibilities or obligations

Just a minute ago, my 2 hour work meeting ended and as I've decided to work from bed today, I was just staring at my bedroom window.

For a few minutes, I wasn't trying to eagerly to fill the space, lest I realize I'm alone with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Maybe for a few minutes, I can let go of the need to appear busy. No one is actually watching. 

My mother of origin commented she wants to hear my voice everyday. I wondered how I can solve this briefly. Yes, it would be nice. Is this an answer to prayers? No, I've stopped praying.

Right now, I'm leaning into my solitude. I've already taken a snapshot of my life the way it was when I turned 39. That day. And I was alone. I cried, but then I stopped crying. Pay more attention to the fact that you stopped crying. 

So maybe in 3 months, I'll revisit establishing regular contact with a family member, but perhaps her comment was one said in passing, and not anything I actually need to solve for.

I love these moments of clarity. 

I'm flexible, I'm open. But on my own terms and with the information that's available. 

I love this cooling period I've worked into my life. Saving personal errands for 1 day of the week. It often can mitigate the distress caused by feelings of urgency. 

Not a hero's journey, and that's okay

 I always have so many thoughts but I realize they're not full thoughts when I try to write them out. Somehow I think my brain pings on certain feelings with these verbal indicators that really aren't anything. 

It's like my brain decides what it wants to feel, and just finds different indicators to keep it in that stage. Weird, huh.

I read something on Mark Manson that happiness is just the absence of negative emotions. Interesting, right?

Some of what he was saying seemed to confirm what an old therapist said - feelings just...are. Not good, not bad. They just...are.

Hmm.

I read another blogger yesterday - Fiery Millennials. I'm glad she posted the non-hero's journey. I love reading the confident young people's blogs. Having faced little to no adversity, they are so confident in their convictions. There's one blogger I'm keeping an eye on that I can't wait to see their change of heart once they have a little wobble. We shall see. 

Anyway with Fiery Millennials, she fell for the whole FIRE suite - quit your job, get a rental property, buy a house, eschew all the things.

Have it fail spectacularly and learn the lessons. 

But hey I did it too.

FIRE definitely is a solution for a lot of us in a time of minor crisis. It just makes sense. But then either through the accumulation of money or new life challenges, it suddenly seems less important. Been there.

Anyway, this blogger actually tried the house-hack and it sucked. She was one of the ones that had bad outcomes. That's the thing with me. I know landlording is just not for me. I hate customer service and dealing with people. I'm just not compelled to do extra things. I think that's what I liked about Root of Good... everything about his journey was so modest and methodical. There were no real hacks. He tried renting out his condo after he moved and then realized it wasn't for him but there were no dreams to build a real estate portfolio.

I see the appeal when it works well. I don't even enjoy home ownership - can you imagine managing a property. 

So if I got one of those remote work move incentives, the "easy" thing seems to be rent out the house, but managing other people... grrr. But with money, luckily, I wouldn't have to.

I did a mock-up budget of my time in Tulsa, and it was completely affordable.

I forget sometimes that I actually make money! I really do. 

I like saving because I know that I can count on the feeling. Spending is still a variable. 

I had steak and lobster yesterday on my Monday staycation day... it was tasty. Still tasty. But it's funny how 2 minor things dampened the experience a bit compared to the first time. The first time I ordered from Outback, they got my order exactly right with silverware and napkins and curbside was fast. 

This time they just forgot chives, no napkins, and I had to wait six minutes and go inside. Suddenly, it wasn't this experience I wanted to replicate. Weird, right. I guess the businesses that prioritize customer service really know what's up! 

On other things.

US Bank's bonus isn't working out, so I have to let that go.

Chase - the one I've been dying for and was beating myself up for diverting money elsewhere didn't work out, and I surprisingly let that go.

I started off this year rearing with bankbonuses but in the end, I'll be lucky if I get much more than $1k this year. Oh well. 

I had weird feelings diverting my extra cash from extra 401k contributions to my brokerage. I really like the automation of the payroll deduction. Somehow now with just going to my brokerage, it feels restrictive, and aggressive, and odd. 

Eventhough I've been saying I don't want more than $10k in cash floating around, automatically diverting that money to my brokerage just feels restrictive. Weird right?

Here's my proposed paycheck:

- $800 something dollars/ pp - to regular bills

- $1400 or $1600/pp - to broker to be autoinvested

- balance ($800-something) to Lifestyle Fund

So there's a part of me that likes having access to the money I guess? I think there was some appeal in hitting the annual max in my 401k that was motivating. This way, there's no achievement I guess. Because it almost feels not enough.

Yep, there's no badge. 

Even for the pre-tax max...there's a badge of... hey, I maxed out my 401k! Rockstar!

But if I just saved $20k in an account..the number feels so paltry. Like so.... $20k... big whoop. Which is weird! 

So I just need some packaging, I guess. Like I always say, the marketing works on me. 

So I'm working on feelings and trying to re-package this boredom.

I stayed up till after midnight last night reading Fiery Millennials. Before I didn't count that as reading, but it is! I guess I like to read. I just get frustrated because it takes so long to find a good blog to binge. I guess similar to shows. 

So I'll try the auto-investment to broker, but it just doesn't feel as good. 

Since I realized how much extra money I had to spend, I wondered if I would just move to Tulsa by myself. But then remembered the big draw of the program is the community.

Eventhough I don't believe in signs and destiny and fate, I will have to be comforted that there are gatekeepers to the program. So that if I don't get accepted, I won't round up that oh... God is looking out for me.. but rather the program directors know or have a presumption who would benefit most from the opportunity. And since I don't want to be put in any more non good-fit positions, this aligns with what I want out of my life right now. No more hard stuff. I benefit from their insight = good packaging. 

I'm not fighting anyone for anything. No mas. 

So I think I stumbled on the Mark Manson site because I was trying to understand what people mean when they say "The Universe." Quoi? 

And I didn't understand what "The Secret" and visualizing was. 

I know with visualizing, it helped me but not in the woo-woo way, it helped me to have my ACHIEVABLE goals written down on poster paper in my office because when I wanted to quit, I would remember why I was still in the game. (A hijabi woman once told me this is why she wears a hijab - to remember who she is and what she represents; we all love symbols, I'm looking at you wedding rings, cross necklaces, even designer brands.)

I had expense and net worth tracking notes everywhere, because luckily, that needle kept moving...even it went down. 

I'm just a goal oriented/ task-oriented person. But only with Achievable things.

I probably could make real estate investing work, if I made it a goal. But I really just don't want to. 

Writing things down help me for the sheer fact that I forget stuff and my feelings take over. 

Like I know not to make plans to end my life this year because I wrote it down and said I wouldn't. For me, it's that simple. It's like oh you feel bad... that's fine, but you're not going to do anything permanent about it this year. Try again in 2024. 

It worked in 2021 when I decided to lean into the pandemic and only spent money on housing and food. Oh my ceiling is leaking, okay cool, put off those repairs until 2022. 

I can do many things when there is a short finite amount of time and the end is clearly marked. 

Exercise and dieting - not so much. 

I just don't want to.

Like landlording and side hustling. Ugh. 

I signed up for mystery shopping, but to get out of my house for $10... ugh.

Oh, I was giving grief to Fiery Millennials, but I did the same thing. Dove head first into FIRE. I set out lofty goals and crunched the numbers and came up with a FI number. You got to start somewhere. I quit my job for a "sabbatical"...so on brand with FIRE. To be fair, wanting to quit my job or find something else was Why I found FIRE in the first place. So it didn't make me, but it just validated my feelings. Everyone was doing it...why not me. 

FIRE pushed me to look for a higher paying job...until the new posts started preaching about Enough. So I went with that. FIRE pushed me to get a side hustle - including starting a blog and getting a part-time job. To be fair, the part-time job I got was from an application I put in way before FIRE, but being on the path confirmed the Yes when the offer came. I thought it was a blessing...but really just confirmation bias. 

Anyway, my FIRE journey has now evolved so I'm looking more for how people are spending their money; enjoying life; and optimizing taxes. That's just where I am. 

I learned now that 'signs' are just confirmation bias. I can just add this to my life decoder. 

I've lost my concentration as my work meeting has started, but I will be back with more thoughts. 

Life Updates

 Day dreaming Tulsa Remote

So in my weekend clicking, an article on CNBC Money led me to a program called Tulsa Remote! I wish I had known about such things years ago when I was looking for my next move. 

With Tulsa Remote, they pay you $10k to make the move to Tulsa and work remotely. I would've jumped on that had I been given the chance. I've been looking for reasons to leave NC, and a $10k incentive is literally all I needed. 

I applied anyway, but I didn't take the application seriously, so not sure what my odds are. The more I looked into it and watched a couple YouTube videos of people who did it- it is literally what I'm looking for. 

Nothing about Tulsa itself appeals to me, but the idea of a built in community and events is what I've essentially been trying to DIY myself. Yeah, I'm at a solid place at work with a lot of downtime and not much to do.

These shared experiences are where I've made friends in the past - college, school, sports, extracurricular activities. After young adulthood, that kind of stops. This program would be a super injection of that.

Anyway, I got really excited but being unsure of my chances quickly tried to erase it from my mind. Luckily, with my Older Brain, I'm able to recover a lot faster from things and not feel the loss as long.

But I did love the math problem and solving for some of the planning.

The Big questions were:

- Would I do it? YES

- When would I move? Anytime, no time felt better than the other except maybe the middle of summer (because of heat and doing manual labor), so I guess before then. 

- Car or no car? Initially, I thought of life without a car and being in a walkable area, that's the dream. But I thought it would be nice to have the car if I wanted to explore. I could ship it to Tulsa or do a weeklong trip as it's a 16 hour drive. Maybe my brother could drive it. If I came back to NC to check on my house, I definitely need a car for that, but I did a quick search and that would be about $300/wk which is manageable. But I could also rent a car in Tulsa for weeks that I needed it. I think the default would be just to take the car. Because who wants to be carrying groceries around in the dead of winter. Not I. 

- The biggest question - What to do about my house? The first thing that came to my mind is $10k is about the exact number I need to pay for my NC house annually - mortgage, HOA, utilities. So that would take care of that. And I'd be fine to pay for my Tulsa Housing even at the increased cost because my salary can afford it. 

- But do I just leave my house unattended? Rent it out for a year? This got me. I think I was thinking I'd probably come back every 3 months to check on it. But I'd love to have a family member live in it for a year at like 500- 600 rent.  This level of optimizing is where I'm stuck. Don't have a real plan, but I like knowing I have the $10k to cover the cost if I could not rent it out. 

- Would I sell it? Definitely not. The reason I stay is the reason I won't sell - the cost of living. As much as this is not my dream house or location, it's my very affordable home base. And based on current information, I'd return to NC after the year in Tulsa. So it wouldn't make sense to sell the house. 

- Where would I live in Tulsa? I think part of Old Me did want to have that luxury apartment living and not have some cheap shabby temporary place with furniture and also #softlife, I would opt for Landing Standby or use a furnished rental. So I think depending on what my budget allowed, I would give myself a bigger budget to live somewhere nicer and do all the young adult things - like getting my hair done, and going out and spending money. All the things that didn't make sense when I started working and couldn't mentally justify the expense. 

From a budget perspective, my 401k is officially maxed out as of March 15, and my baseline goal would be just to set my savings to save another 12k for the year, and I would carve out a budget from the rest. 

If I was truly enjoying myself, I think it would be fun to spend more money and have a truly #softlife for a year. 

Anyway, this was a fun thought exercise and I think the life experience would be even better.

But Enlightened me is not going to be devastated if it doesn't happen. 

Turns out there a few more programs like that. And there's one more with the $10k incentive in WV, but somehow that doesn't seem as appealing, but neither did this until I watched some YouTube videos. You know I'm a sucker for marketing. 

401k Contributions

Something I read on Go Curry Cracker got me thinking about the aftertax contributions. The big boon is yes saving for retirement (after age 65), but also the tax advantage of letting the earnings grow tax free (#megabackdoorRoth). 

I remembered that that's really only going to benefit me for retirement after age 65. Not even on my best day do I hope to live that long. So, I think it would be better to just shovel that money to my brokerage to make it easier to access.

Psychologically, I worry about having too many decisions to make with it. To combat that, I think I'll just have to set up an auto deposit from payroll straight to my brokerage (vs to my bank and then auto-transfer over). And just really trying to stick with keeping everything in an index fund. 

So yeah, we'll see for my next check-in with myself.

Another soft week at work.

This is awesome. There were some tears on my birthday to be sure. And a few on Sunday. It just all kind of sucks, but then I wake up to a light work week and I can't be that mad at it. 

Dan

Part of me wants to keep up the correspondence in a self-injurious way. Part of me wants to be done. The only reason this even bubbled to the top is because Gmail sent an email that the number was expiring, so I felt pressed to make a decision. That has turned into this. To be fair, I had been thinking of contacting him. But that doesn't mean the affirmative was the right choice. I'm torn on what I want to do because Old Feelings keep getting in the way. The most emotionally cost-effective thing is to do nothing. At the very least until I'm sure. It's not life or death, like Mean Brain wants me to think. There's no wrong answer here. And it's a pretty long game with an unknown outcome. Emotionally, I can't afford it right now. I need a lot more emotional income to offset this emotional expense.  It's not a good value, emotionally for me right now. 

Business Taxes

Grr, my colleague shared her income taxes with me and I forgot to claim my "business" when I tried to dabble in shoe resales. Based on how she did it, I could've claimed my travel from last year as a business expense because I talked about it during those trips. Grrr. More money lost. Oh well. 

Keeping On

Overall, I think March is going well as a take it easy month. I have another week before my next kickoff so I bought Discovery Plus; gonna get some steak and lobster; watch some shows, eat my snacks and do some mathing to pass the time. 

I don't even want to get out of this bed today, so we'll see. Since I have meetings tomorrow, maybe I'll be more motivated. Who knows. 

Last day of age 38

 Yep, I made it... whole and true..38 years on earth. Wow, who'd a thunk it.

Can I be done yet?

My counselor is taking another 2 weeks off for vacation. My alert system was thinking he might retire soon given his freely taking time off. My alert system (ie, my rational brain) warned me of this around the time I re-upped my FSA card. Anyway, I finally asked him, and he said he's pretty much semi-retired. Works as much or as little as he wants to.

Also said he did this for 17 years with the state. So there's that.

I don't love the inconsistency. I also don't love how we don't delve into some of my darker feelings. We spend a lot of time talking about relationships.

When it's the feelings I want to understand, not relationships. 

I am reaching out to Katie to see if she will supplement.

I also should probably try to set up some time with EAP on Sundays, since that's probably the only time I can get someone to work weekends. 

I guess there's always church. That's free, at least. 

There's a couple outdoor meetups tomorrow (Saturday), but I don't really want to go. I might regret that later.

In a way, I'm kind of glad I don't have that weeklong trip in Wilmington this weekend. I'm kind of tired of being around people.

I'm glad it's a little cool this weekend.

I think for the most part, I'm just going to wait until I feel compelled to do something before I do it.

I'll still try to keep myself safe, but trying to anticipate every bad feeling and plan for it is a bit exhausting. 

Even with traveling. I'm tired of best laid plans and contingency plans. I don't know which one is worse - the stress of pre-planning; or the stress of dealing with a situation that could've been prevented. 

I like that it's raining. It makes me want a McDs biscuit. 

I've been working from bed the last couple of days and it's been awesome. Why'd I never think of this! 

I guess I technically do this when I'm away from home because in PST, I'd have to wake up super early.  But I was mostly asleep.

I wasn't able to setup new savings accounts online with Hub Bank and that was frustrating, but I'm getting really into these bucket savings. I just want to mentally have the money parsed out.

I think overall, I'm only keeping $10k out in cash. 

Once my bonus check hits, I'll have completely funded my FIRE Cash Stash with 2 years of expenses and my FIRE journey, however lean, is officially complete. I'm getting even more used to the idea of just keeping those accounts separate from my regular banking.

A bit more complex, but it avoids having to interact with that money regularly and minimizes temptation to manipulate it. Which is great. 

I don't want to respond to Dan. Who dates their rapist?

Me, it seems.

Not an emotionally independent person, that's who.

So it can't be me. 

But once I tell myself not to want it, guess what happens next.

I'm hesitant to bring this up in counseling. Mostly because I want to move past it. 

Anyway...

what is making me spiral down this path.

What is it about me that makes men take advantage of me. You'd think by now, I'd have at least one healthy romantic relationship instead of a string of borderline assaulty/abusive entanglements.

Anyway, so I was going to do a state of the union at age 38. Like how I wanted to do with FIRE. Wherever I was is what I was going to be. 

Friends - none really

Work - meh, the downtime is nice. The actual work = not for the longterm.

Money - enough for leanFIRE

House - hate it; too many pests; too much maintenance

Life - not that attached to it.

Well, this got grim. 

Spending more money, giving up, and standing still

 Yep, I dropped $150 today at the hair salon for a $45 shampoo and blow dry. My hair was a tangled mess. The 1.5 hour appointment turned into 5 hours!

I didn't get a chance to make it to Chase and try to open the savings account. Oh well, there goes $900.

Right now, I just can't care enough.

Texted Dan last night. Luckily, he was mildly responsive. I asked to email him, and he said "of course". We were talking about iBonds, so nothing flirty. Thinking I'll just write as though I'm writing a work colleague. 

Was disappointed with a myriad of feelings:

BrainLie#1: obviously, he just needed to be reminded of you and then he'd fall madly in love with you and you would live together forever

BrainLie#2: He would be so happy you reached out and would gush; didn't even ask how I've been. 

BrainLie#3: Even if the first 2 aren't true, you know you didn't need to reach out. But maybe you can work on cultivating a friendship or building an emotional connection over the next 1-2 years, which will subsequently lead to him falling in love with you and living happily ever after. So, it was right to text him. Because love-magic doesn't exist. So you need to constantly remind him of you...and thus ensue a lifetime of insecurity that once you're out of mind, you will be forgotten. Great start, Brain.

So there's that.

Also, I've been putting expenses on 3 cards at this point, so I'm losing track. Thinking more about using a credit card with a $500 limit (and some cashback) as my allowance card. I really would feel better if Bank had alerts.

All these bonuses and not bonuses are making me anxious. I'm not applying or following up with anything else. Maybe, just maybe, I'll apply for Chase savings again.

But oh well if I don't.

I'm tired.

Luckily, I was able to successfully open another one today. Had to go in branch, but it worked out because the in-branch promo was $300 instead of the online $275. And the bank guy offered it proactively. Win!

Just checked US Bank and all my accounts disappeared. So that was a bust. A bit of a longshot anyway. Let's see if they refund my money.

For the most part, I just want to bury my head in the sand for a bit.

Friday - Arbys

Saturday - 1/2 cinnamon roll and scrambled eggs with Spam; might make cupcakes

Sunday - get Prime or Discovery Plus free trial

I'm tired of thinking and plotting and planning. 

Resetting a bit.

 So I got the gas I need for tomorrow's trek to town for a dentist appointment. The bank bonuses have kinda got me down. The big $900 chase one that I've been looking forward to since Jan doesn't even seem like it's going to work because I can't even open the Savings account.

Because the amount is so high, I'm going to try to find a branch tomorrow when I go to town. I thought there was one in my town, but it either shut down or never existed.

So if that doesn't work. I'm skunked. Saved that coupon code for nothing.

I think to get over the weird feelings about paying $800 to file a tax return, I'm just going to make $800 my goal for these bank bonuses.

I'm not getting far with them. And we already know my saga with the credit card bonuses.

And did I mention the softball guy doesn't have a team this year.

And when I went outside, it looks like it's pollen season. I thought I had until April.

So, if March and April make it difficult to go outside because of allergies. And it's pretty cold in January and December. And it's pretty darn hot from May to September...what month is left? February, October, and November? 

Wow! 

So yeah I think with Turbo Tax, I wanted to take some time to think about the return, and also to hack it by filing it myself or using that to check against the HR block return. But I felt a little pressure with his little face right there pressuring me to move this along. And also I knew if I didn't do it, I'd be stuck in indecision...so now which one is worse - indecision or regret. Grr. It's jus money, MERJ. Says, the poor people. (I did speak up and get 20% off, so there's that!)

But $800 just stinks.

I have about $500 in bank bonuses so far. I just need one or two more to pay out, and I'll be good.

Not only will it help to salve this weird tax prep fee but also to focus that a little more and kind of pump the brakes.

Having to try multiple times, to call CSRs, and just unnecessary frustration isn't all that fun anymore.

So as quickly as I started this year, I think I'm dipping out of churning for awhile. 

All I really have for March to May is sitting my happy but home, avoiding work, and eating my snacks. Found out another data point that makes me believe the 4% raise wasn't to get me closer to market rate...everyone got it. Oh well, I'm still happy about it. 

And I don't feel pressure to achieve. Phew.

I'm not sure why things aren't really working right for me right now. I literally only pursued things I've done before, but this year is determined to do me in. 

C'est la vie. 

$800 to file taxes

 Yep, I just forked over $800 to pay both HR Block and Turbo Tax to file my taxes. Block missed 2 whole forms so I went with Turbo Tax. I was on the phone with Turbo Tax for at least 3 hours because they do the form right there with you. Groan.

It felt wrong to not pay the man for his time, so I just paid and let him e-file it. The miser in me wanted to end the call and not pay, and just let Block correct their mistake since I already paid them. But here we are.

I'm a little bit mad at the situation. I learned nothing new and didn't even save any time because I had to be held hostage on the phone while he did it. 

I'm trying to chalk it up to a learning experience, but in the future, I'm using none. I'll just file myself.

Groan.

Well, now that motivated to recoup some of the money back with this US Bank Bonus. More time with CSR people. My favorite. 

Anyway. Just needed to get off my chest.

Add that to this weird Nashville trip.

Orkin

and Landing not taking my booking.

I just want to stew and punch someone in the face. 

Sigh...I'm starting to calm down.

On the bright side...oh should I mention....at least I don't owe...but my paltry return is like $100... so lesson learned.... $800 lesson learned.

Hemorrhaging money, left and right. 

Woosa....

Anyway, the bright side is.... I can make that in a day or two...and I'm in bed and "working". Life is still good. All the shots keep coming!

Also Katie Counselor can't squeeze me on the dates I wanted. Groan. 

Stopped by US bank and Chase. But I'm not giving up. 

Stranded in my home town

 Well the good news is I made it! I landed around 11pm and just got home a bit after midnight. But luckily, I felt weird enough to shower. So I'm clean.

My comfy robe smells though.

No signs of any big animal intruders. A new dead worm and some weird debris in the kitchen. But bed and office seem safe enough for sleep tonight and work tomorrow.

Yay, I have Wednesday off. 

So yeah, I tried for about 40 minutes to call an Uber or Lyft. I think Uber kept getting a driver who kept declining. The regular rate is $6 and it went up to > $20 and still nothing. Luckily I learned, there was a taxi stand at the end of the curb. I talked to the people waiting; called 2 cab companies and even spoke to the rental car counter. I thought about walking in the dark, but luckily I didn't have to.

Luckily, there were 2 other people waiting for a cab, so I felt more comfortable. And luckily, I used my voice again to jump in the cab with them cuz it was a very strangely marked cab. 

I sat in the front and the driver dropped me off on the way. Phew! He said he took cards, but then said if I had $5 cash that would be enough. The fare was a little less than $7. That's how close I live to the airport.

So I have now added, take $20 cash with me for all trips.

For now, I want to just take the win/loss of a staycation for the next 2 months. There's an 80% chance my workload will be low to light between now and May 15 (next big kickoff). I'm kind of on reg response backup, but other than that, nada. This was causing some mild distress on --- what will I do with my time! But I don't think traveling is it. 

I haven't completely ruled out SC (or somewhere driveable). But right now, I don't want to fly/travel anywhere for awhile. 

I've written out a couple things I can do to break up the day:

- Random meetups with my old ladies, preferably outdoor or active ones

- Contact the softball coach to see if they still need players

- At least for March - Fridays for fish sandwiches at Arbys

- Wed = african food take out. Not sure if this week counts for Wednesday though.

- My personal colleague is ordering me some cookies. So that will be nice.

- I plan to dabble in a few free trials of some streaming channels, and give Peacock a break. I might actually pause it. That helped with Hulu.

- This was all for March. And that's as much as I can think right now, eventhough this could potentially span a few months. 

- Considering - sitting/walking outside at least 20 minutes a day/ 3x/week

- So nothing big planned for my birthday which is on Saturday!!!

- Oh, I didn't end up texting Dan. Being in the airport was too distracting. I kind of hate being in the airport. I know it's just the exhaustion talking, but I don't want to fly anywhere for awhile.

I think if I go anywhere else for no reason other than to escape the loneliness, I would prefer driving distance. Lessons....learning...(not yet fully learned). 

Sunday was not a good day, but Monday was better, mostly because I was distracted with trying to live

I'm so glad I got my cookies from Whole Foods! I was hot and sweaty but tasting the chocolatey goodness after the trek was worth it! 

I'll try to only eat 1 Tues and leave the last one for Wed after my long day of long errands.  (Might need to put it in a baggie or freeze it to keep it fresh.)

Funnily, the weird package that was left on my doorstep that I was pretty sure was mis-delivered (ie, not a surprise birthday gift from my no-close-contacts) was....actually misdelivered! I'm surprised my neighbor didn't come looking for it. The box was for frozen food but when I picked it up, I think it was just a re-used box because I could lift it with just a few fingers under the flap. 

Glad I didn't embarrass myself asking people if they'd sent me anything. Oof.

I don't feel like sleeping. 

I left my rental around 3p CST and got home around 12 midnight EST. That is a long day of traveling to go such a short distance! My goodness. 

I saved a couple bucks taking the bus vs Uber, but after all the sweating, not sure it was worth it. But old habits I guess. Plus I had nothing else to do. Even still, that just extended an already needlessly long travel day. The bonus was getting the cookies. That was the real motivation for taking the bus. 

Also, I'm just giving in that I'm now someone that purchases airport food. I've been getting a bit sick, and the airport ginger ale and Lay's chips hits the spot. Easily $7. I tried bringing my own chips on the way to Nashville, but it didn't do the trick. (They weren't Lays!)

P.S. - The coat and sweatsuit that I was stressing about in the beginning of the trip, didn't end up mattering after all. Glad I never picked them up and then have to stress about returning them. 

So yeah, summary of reflections:

- Take a breath and consider staying your happy butt home the next 2 months

- If going anywhere, drive

- Take the pressure off optimizing your life, free time, your last year of the decade.