Today I want to go, here's why

 Sometime between yesterday and today, my resolve strengthened in wanting to go Seattle for the summer. I was pretty much resigned that meh, I was only going to chase an old dream, and to chase boys.

Both of these things are still true, but somehow I still want to go. Maybe I just like how being in pain feels because clearly the safest thing to do is stay home and mind my business.

I'm just starting to put some real distance between me and dating. The sun is out, my project is ending.

Yet, I feel this desire to upend anything.

Maybe blowing up my life is what I'm good at.

So yesterday, I felt zero level of confidence that cancelling my Boone trip was the right decision. I vacillated pretty much all week and really couldn't come up with a decision I felt good about.

Then I made headway on my project and I started to feel less anxious and stressed.

I could see calm and peace again. 

I got excited.

I wanted to celebrate.

I want to punctuate the moment, but not just that moment...all the moments. I want my victory lap to continue. See, ugh, that's the thing with Feelings. There's 100% chance I will not feel this way in any of the days leading up to the trip and including the trip. That's why it's hard to know what to do.

But for right now I want to go on this trip for some of these reasons:

* Getting out of COVID jail!

* Celebrate my contributions to my first submission!

* Celebrate my promotion to AD from last year!

* Celebrate reaching FIRE!

* Celebrate my 2 year anniversary with this job (Jun 15)!

* Relive some old, buried but revived fantasies of being a City Girl with Condo dreams!

* Celebrate my low spend year!

* Get out of my head about finances!

* Celebrate a student loan pause!

* Celebrate my last few years before I retire for good and have money.

* Celebrate all the hardwork to get here. I haven't fully appreciated or realized how far I've come income wise and professionally. It's like I set these goals that seem manageable and inattainable at the same time. Then I get there, and it's like oh, okay.  Don't you remember, Self, how you would enviously peruse LinkedIn profiles of hiring managers who were ADs after 5 years and think how cool they were! How you wish that were you! Then you get it, and you hardly sneeze at it. Well, you did it! No matter what. You did it! You got the title! You got the salary. You got to work from home!

* Celebrate working from home full time without restrictions!

* Take advantage of remote work and being able to "live" like a rockstar for a few weeks.

* Celebrate transitioning to your new name. Although I'm using a placeholder name as I transition from MERJ 1.0 to MERJ 2.0. 

So yeah, admittedly my life doesn't look the way I thought it would. But if I squint and hold my breath, some of the pieces are there. And yeah this trip is yet another consolation prize, but hey, right now, I'll take the blue ribbon. What else is there!

Instead of focusing on how few and far between the happy moments are, I'm going to capitalize on them. I'm going to magnify them. Yes, the fall will be loud and hard and long. Oh well. I'm feeling a little reckless. It's better than feeling sad. 

So how will I rate this trip a success, I've been asking myself - if I go and stay the whole time.

I might cry, I might never leave the house, I might regret it. Mean Brain might take over, but for now I'm free from her tight grip. I'm not captive in this moment. 

I'm running toward the light! 

I'm not letting go until my dreams come true! 

So I'm going to go to Seattle. Live like a hot girl. Go on some dates, kiss some boys! 

I'm going to give out my phone number. And I'm going to be super chill. I get to rewrite everyday and relinquish any part of the past that holds me back. 

Instead of regretting so much of my past, I'll just use it as backdrop and proof that it doesn't matter. You can F up many times and just pretend it didn't happen. Those people don't matter. Those things don't matter. Those feelings don't matter. Life just goes on anyway. Those bad things don't have to shape you, or make you fearful or sad, or burdened. Shake off every weight! 

I can rewrite every single minute. 

I spent a lot of last night looking up flights. I'd already spent a lot of the previous days looking up lodging (and giving up!). 

I don't know how A Purple Life is able to get AirBnBs for $2k a month. The best I could get was $4k/mon. And I'm going to do it.

It wasn't that much cheaper waiting for the fall. So why not now?

The whole point of this FI journey was buying your freedom. So this is my victory lap! And I'll take as many laps as I need, thank you very much!

This morning, while caught up in the fantasy, I even applied for a Citi/AA card. I'm trying to see if I can get the bonus miles to pay for my return ticket. But at the very least I can get $200 statement credit off my trip there. And a free checked bag!

So, I'm going to take a bit of a risk and buy 1 ticket now and the return ticket later. 

I wonder if the housing rental place will let me split the payment across two cards. That will help.