Single by choice...for real this time!

 Maybe it's the conversations I've been having with my committee member or maybe it's the dates or maybe it's all the things.

It occurred to me that when I leave here, I can leave here happy or at least satisfied. I came here, I did the thing and I feel good about it. I feel like the impact of distilling men down to wanting just the new flashy thing with holes makes me feel happy for my solo time.

If we're practicing gratitude, I'm glad. I'm glad that my options aren't to be a flashy thing with holes or end up poor and destitute. Women before me had NO options. They had to marry to earn status or position in society.

This is what women fought for. I got the thing all those women wanted. I'm here to celebrate that and them. I'd always felt some version of this. Then when it felt like I didn't even make the choice to be single that it was just my circumstance not being skinny-white (our current standard of beauty), that felt bad.

I felt without. I felt mad, angry. I felt cheated. I felt like I was living an average, second-place life. I felt like my life was a consolation prize. 

Oh, I hate perspective! It just makes you feel like...ugh why didn't I think of that! 

I wasn't sure what direction MERJ 2.0 was going to take her life. She wasn't going to automatically round up to 'it's a wonderful life,' but these are some good first steps.

I'm single because I don't want to be a flashy thing with holes. 

Just like the women before me pioneered the life I'm able to live now. Somewhere 100 years from now, women will rise up to the position they should be - the prize. The one to be desired and cherished; the life-giver that they are.

As I've always felt, I was born in the wrong time. 

I'm a square peg in a round hole or however the saying goes. I'm tired of trying to fit in. Trying to smooth my edges so much that I fell right through without anyone noticing.

But I've come up for air now.

I'm in Seattle so of course there's a protest against "forced motherhood" since abortions are illegal somewhere it seems. 

Forced partnership is where I was headed.

Maybe it was unidentified peer and or social pressure. Maybe it's one of those things where there was an acute rise in my peer group partnering up and "living the life" I once thought was unlikely for girls like me. It made me feel like I should want those things too.

But I never really did, did I?

So I took my chance at bat, and was like nah.

Sure, I'll still get the pity looks. But that comes with the territory even with FIRE. No one has to understand me or get me. That's the beauty of FIRE.

It probably helps with these dates because you're constantly asking and answering a series of questions. Dating is like mini-therapy. You get to hear all these life stories that can only cause if only briefly, a minor reflection of your own. 

So I'm going to enjoy the rest of my trip - dates or no dates. But obviously dates! And I'm going to eat my daily $20/ meal because I can. Because this isn't an experience I really need to have again.

I might, but I don't need to if I don't want to. 

Dating is just like another tourist spot in my eyes. 

I'll eat my $20-meals on my $8k vacation to a US city like a champ and not feel bad about it. I'm saving on therapy. I'm saving on costs associated with long-term partnership.

I feel free again. 

It's working! My 1-2 year freedom tour/ pre-early-retirement is working! 

I'm learning all the things. Making new choices. Discovering new choices.

This reflection is akin to frugality by choice (FIRE) or frugality by circumstance (poverty). First, I was single because it felt like no one picked me (circumstance). 

But now I'm single because I can be. I can be single- and still own property, have a bank account, have a job, pay my bills; eat food; not be on the street; I can be single and not have a baby or rely on someone for marital or child support. I can be single and survive, and dare I say, even thrive!

This girl IS on fire! 

This is my freedom song!

This is my freedom run!