Feeling Weird

 I feel weird, maybe a little sick, maybe a little weary.

The sweats are back.

I don't think I'm sick but I do feel weary. I went on that hike on Friday and ever since then been having these hot spells. 

I tried to go walking today but it was so cool outside mixed with the hot spells. I just got annoyed. I stayed for 20 minutes then went to Food Lion. I was so out of it I just picked up a bunch of stuff for over $40.

Oh well.

I have mixed feelings. It's Mother's Day and I'm feeling motherless. My mom of origin sent me a mother's day greeting. Strange. I tried to stay off my phone for 2 days beginning today. I still ended up checking it a few times, no surprises.

Then I messaged the Iranian. That might be part of my funk.

But also general work anxiety and stress. 

And I'm starting to dread going on this trip. I technically waited until after Friday to book it, but does 8a Saturday morning count?

In the end the reason for doing it that early was so the payment could clear with a lead time, but since it's an ACH payment, doing it Saturday is no different than doing it Monday. Super fail. 

At least I know myself enough to know that planning it any further in advance would have led to an even longer term of feeling this general dread that I'm making the wrong decision.

I know this isn't my gut or instinct, it's just error.

For whatever reason, over the years, cancelling plans has been my favorite thing. Whether it's something as simple as meeting someone for breakfast or as large as vacation plans, I always dread it shortly after it's planned up until it happens. Ugh. 

A part of me is now thinking of just foregoing the expense.

The angst I feel with messaging the Iranian isn't helping. Before he was a fantasy, now he might just be another dumb unresponsive boy. How did I get sucked into this Single Girl fantasy. The Bucket List ends here. 

Well luckily, it will go much like the rest of my life - in flames, and I won't be in this place again. So much for making the best of my pre-retirement years. Oh well. No surprises here.

I think one of my committee members was trying to call me out on the homeless snack packs. Oh well. Today at the Food Lion, a man with 3 teeth asked me to buy him some snacks. I didn't even realize what was happening. He picked out candy, a bag of Cheetos and a 2L of grape soda. It all happened both so fast and so slow that I really didn't even have time to realize I just spent like $12 on junk food for a strange man. 

I don't even know if he was homeless or what his story was. So I'm counting that as my May homeless snack pack. 

I was reading up about existential crises. I think I've always been stuck in one. I thought I'd figured it out at 30, but 40 has been a bigger game changer than I thought. 

Wow, 4 decades later, and this is really all there is. Wow. 

A few minutes later. If we're practicing gratitude (to make this life thing more bearable), I'm glad I got that hysterectomy. I could definitely see making a hasty decision that would have me stuck parenting for 18 years. Or maybe I would have aborted the baby or killed them in a different way. Who knows. 

Yes, Mean Brain has returned. How do I kill her?